I'm happy for you
Not sad for me

Shame lingers on my body
Causing me to wonder
About who actually knows
And who
Really doesn't care
That I have these scars

Do you not understand
Anything that you are doing?
Many things have been said
Of all of them
None will hurt more than your silence

Can't think of a thing
That will  make you know the thing

You lay awake
Head on the pillow
Feeling anything but mellow
Where do you go
When you’re all alone

Thoughts pouring down
Patter harshly on your brain
Asking why you have to be
The person that they see

Do you remember when we first met
I drank so much I couldn't recall
The next day you messaged me
Telling me it's okay to be sad
And from there we clicked
Addicted to the very thing that made me forget

Acted like we didn't have a clue
When we were in a group
With that orange haired chick and the laughing one too
It was a fun secret
The one I didn't mind getting caught hiding

And when you pulled back
Told me everything was painful
I held you close
Even when you pushed away
But when I did the same
You told me
"Ok then"
And I didn't know who to blame

I finally said no
To a man yearning for my body
And I felt relief and overjoyed
That I overcame the need to please
But also a hint of sadness
Because it took me so long to claim my body

The waves nip at my ankles

Filling my scars with its salty water

Burning me down into the ground

I lose my value
In men who I trust
A shimmer of compassion is all it takes
And then I drown

Waiting

For months to hear
"How I've missed you!"
And for months there was silence
Until I was the one to give in
And what I realized
When I messaged you
That you are a waste of time

You told me you loved me
I never felt more happy
Our smiles gave light to the world
Feeding your garden

Then when I opened my eyes
I could only see your silhouette
Stomping on my flowers
Away from a dream

That I wasn't sure who belonged to anymore

I wish I could wipe away
The feeling that I can't explain

I've laid there
Trying to write
How I feel

Except there may be no words
That can describe the way

You told me
About the time you tripped
You fell so hard
That when you got back up
You were never the same

It's nice to have that security
But what happens when it slips
That one person who loves you
Pulls away
No longer showered by their affection

Then what do you do?
Because I'm not loving you anymore
Not the way you expect me to
I'm leaving that fantasy behind
No longer bound by your sympathy

I am sad
And when that happens
I think I need pain
The kind that can scar
The scars you can see
They may bleed
But that's how I stop being sad

I grasp for the air
Trying to catch it

Choking on my tears
As they race down my face

Leaving skid marks on my cheeks
Heading towards the end

They call this place cold
The unknown

Some say this is peaceful
Because being alive is suffering

I'm in love with guys
Who will never love me
One who treats me like trash
The other who tells me I'm a queen
But no matter what I do
Neither want me
So neither do I

I put so much worth in my smile
It rarely appears
Packed out of sight
Afraid others would grow tired of it
Eventually it was lost
Or maybe just broken

I've thought about it for some time now
And it isn't your fault
Or anyone in particular

This is all mine
I could never find happiness in myself
A typical sad story
Of a girl who died

It's difficult for me to write this
Only because I know you'll cry
I was hoping my tears were enough
Enough to take place of yours

But now I know that isn't possible
I hope that when you mourn
You don't think of the bad
Fill your mind with more

I want you to remember my smile
How you always saw me wearing it
Please, forget the thing
That stained my face

You were the only one in this world
To bring me a sense of comfort
I know I drove you crazy
I could be unbearably clingy

There is no doubt my suffering
Also fueled yours
I apologize for that
It was a terrible habit to cry

There is a memory
I hope it floats in your mind
On days you don't feel sane
After I'm gone

You make my heart pound
It could fuel our getaway
Let's drive out until the car hits E
No destination
We'll take any road you please

My hand in yours is all I need
Baby just you and me

I wish I knew that I was going to fall in love
Because I would have stopped myself from the start
Dropped my heart
And never looked back

Instead I'm gasping for air
Trying to find an ounce of love
From your cold hearted demeanor
And crying from the pain you've brought me

To find a spot in this world can be hard

I've wandered the forest for so long
Searching for a place where I'd belong
And it can be a painful journey
At times I've felt like I could join the butterflies
But they flew to a height I couldn't reach
I turned to the soil
Where the worms might be more welcoming
But they dug into the dirt
Making it hard to find a trace

I found the wasps and thought their stingers were beauty
But they were not very kindly
I wonder if I will ever find my place
It seems unlikely

He kissed me like he loved me
Like he thought it would make the pain go away

There is a vein in my wrist
Begging to be sliced
And what will come out is not blood
But my suffering

This unconditional sadness eats at me
Some days the way I dress takes a toll on me
Others my hair brings me to despair

But then there are weeks where I feel
Empty
Miserable in my doubt
Yet

I wish that I could cut through this emptiness
Watch it spill over my body
Down in the drain
Leaving nothing
But a stain
Of my happiness

This unconditional saddness is unbearable
But I do not know how to stop it