It’s the way I feel you before you’re even here
the silent tremors that glide down my spine
as I quiet down
tighten my grip
and swallow
The desperate pleas I make with you each breath I take
on my knees
insisting that my life is worth more than
one simple mistake
retracing my week, trying to find when
I accidentally left the door open
and you snuck back in
pushing me back
driving manically
to the four am Emergency Room
blood stained floors
as you pull me from another
night of sleep
another day of work
another arm wrapped around my side
I won’t try to climb mountains anymore
just let me live until March 4th
The moments when the hospital room slows into relief
when the medicine finally kicks in
and the nurse looks me in the eyes as she
tries to tuck me back  into the
white light sheets
hoping that will make you slow down
wishing the warmth  would loosen your grip
she taps into my veins to catch a glimpse
at the way you dance around inside of me
clinging onto my lower back, poking your fingers
through every layer I have left
whispering into my ear as they ask me why
I was in the hospital again
Oh it was just a routine check-up
You pull me by the neck
force my eyes open
to stare hungrily through the glass you built around me
day in and day out observing
the pace the world moves in,
orbiting around me
on infinite time
on a clock that’s hand doesn't just land on
on moments between IV drips
on moments between
when you decide to pull me back into bed
when you decide to hold me down and cloud my head
for days
for weeks
for months
Flooding my mind with memories when I wasn’t filled with orange pills
when my insides weren’t leaking faster and faster
with each passing season
Kind of want to keep living
but you’ve promised to
stop giving me a reason.

I watered her gardens
       but a flower never blossomed
       only dead seeds
wilt within this patch.

Her tears fell like rain,
        hoping that realising
her worries would cling
           to a moment never changing.

I watered her gardens
       but a flower never blossomed
       only dead seeds
wilt within this patch.

She wished me to tend to her
                  garden but in the
end I couldn't bring life to
                          with barren seeds.

I watered her gardens
       but a flower never blossomed
       only dead seeds
wilt within this patch.

For it wasn't her garden, for
seasons bled and past.
           But it was me, the Gardner
My seeds were never buried deep enough.

The moment you decide to leave, I'll forever be left astray.
I'll wander around in space like a nomadic astronaut who has lost his way.

Today is the day
my existence fades away
ever since high school days
invisible is the way I stayed
I would give up everything
just to fit in.

Outcast, misfit
I'll never fit in
tried to take the time
to do things right
But I've just had enough
I want to give up.

So pathetic
they just don't get it
I can't take it anymore
I wanna tell you
But I'm scared about it
Because I don't know
how you'll react.

Outcast, misfit
I'll never fit in
tried to take the time
to do things right
But I've just had enough
I want to give up.

It's not right
I hate my life
Wish I was gone (alright)
Hand me downs
Trying to make you proud
But I just can't take
I just can't take it now.

Outcast, misfit
I'll never fit in
tried to take the time
to do things right
But I've just had enough
I want to give up.

©2018 Written By Benji James

I'm sorry I have a outburst of a cry
In some of the posts and status I write
I'm scared to admit that I need help
But my brain subconsciously sends waves in vessels down to my finger nails
To hint that I need saving
If someone puts the Peices together
It's not attention I'm craving
Just an open hand
Instead of a fist clenched so tightly
I can form the words
spout water from my lungs  
And tell you I'm drowning
But when you ask what's wrong
How do I explain when I have no idea myself ?
I guess this isnt exactly what I imagined progress to look like