Mother
Give
Father
Give
Brother
Give
Sister
Give
Go, go, go
Give, give, give
Where am I
Am I gone
Did I give everything away
Did I ever really exist
My screams are choked
I don't have a voice
I gave it away

College
I got accepted in college
And I'm launching forward
In fast forward

But I left him behind
I didn't mean to
But he got stuck in the past
And I'm in the future

And we broke
We broke apart
And now we're both alone

I knew it was coming
I knew one of us was going to leave
I just didn't know who
Or when
And now that it's here...
I'm crushed

I'm so tired
Sleep came late last night
Because homework was a load

Now I'm drowning
In a sea of sorrow
As I replay our love story

Every love song is another stab to the heart
Every hallway in this school
Brings another ghost of you
Every time I close my eyes
I remember your perfect face

I want to get over this
I know I'll be okay
But I want to skip over the heart ache
I want to skip over the depression
I want to skip over the self destruction

I know it's for the best
But I want him back
I want to know he's mine
I want him to know I still love him
Even when we're not together

But I know it's not going to happen
If I begged
And cried
And got him back
Who would I be helping?

Because I'm moving forward
And he's stuck in the past
I can't force him to come along
Even though I want to

So this is good bye
This is where I draw the line
I'm not going to beg
I'm not going to scream
I'm not going to do anything
But quietly pray for this heartache to go away

So good bye, my love
Good bye

32 headstones
Similar in size and shape
Only difference is weight

Each plot a different size
An ocean of death

I stand alone
The entry arch,
Woven with sea glass and tourmaline,
Towers over me

Paths extend like tree branches
Woven in and out of grave plots

A piece of me rests with each of them
A piece of them lives inside of me

Stepping forward
One, two, three, stop

Here lies [redacted]
Loving [redacted], [redacted], and [redacted]
2000 - 2021

My heart aches
Sinking with each word
Reaching out towards the patch of earth under my feet
It cries for her
Longs for her
My heart begs me to rip up the grass
Take the dirt in my fists
Throw it past the archway
Rewind the to the time before this

I move on

Here lies [redacted]
Loving [redacted], [redacted], and [redacted]
2000 - 2023

Repeat the process
Begging
Longing
Move on

32 graves
32 plots
Some covered in grass
Some with patches of dirt

I return to the arch
Gently touching the beautiful spiral
A quiet, solemn thanks

Mourning the dead
Would be easier if they were under the dirt

17
I will be 17 on Thursday
I'll be one-year closer
To a legal adult

I'm supposed to be a mature teenager
I'm supposed to act my age
And be getting ready for college
And my future

But how am I supposed to do that
When I'm locked inside my own head?

I'm going to be 17
But I act like I'm 3

I have a favorite stuffed animal
I color
I draw
I sing off tune
I watch cartoons

I have to grow up

I never thought words
Could taste so bitter
As they rolled off my tongue



I've been asked
Who would you be without your anxiety?

And honestly,
I have absolutely no idea
Because I've always had it

I get so stressed
And overwhelmed
That I shut it all up
And shut it all down
And revert to a small child

It's unhealthy
I know that
I'm fully aware
But it's all I know how to do



I've been told my anxiety is a choice
As in
I can choose to let it consume me
Or I could shut it down every morning

Truth is
I don't know how to shut it down

I don't know how to act my age
I don't know how to control my feelings
I don't know how to do what I need to
I just don't know



I don't want to keep fighting
I don't want to grow up
I don't want to do any of it

But I have to

So I will

Because I've made promises
To fight
To stay strong
And I don't break promises



So I will fight
So I will work on my anxiety
So I will work to grow up

Because fighters always win
It's just a matter of time

I always thought
The tiny little creatures
That we call hamsters
Were adorable
When they run on the tiny wheel

That is
Until I realized that
I'm the hamster
Running, running, running
But going nowhere

My anxiety propels me
To run, run, run
My instinct is to run away
But, just like the small creature
It just loops around me

I push it away
And it gets worse
And it just snowballs
Growing bigger

And bigger

And BIGGER

Then I'm stuck
Spinning so fast
On this hamster wheel
Round and round and round

I'm going faster than the speed of light
And I can't process things
But I brought this upon myself
By thinking, I could run away in the first place

Stupid
Stupid
Stupid
Stupid

I am so stupid
I have a mental illness
And it's not going away
No matter where I run

It's like a small child
Clinging to my leg for dear life
No matter what I do
That **** thing is with me

I can tell
That people are getting sick of me
I feel it
A feeling I'm all too familiar with
This is the feeling
That tells me to prepare for the storm
Because they are getting ready to leave

Just like a hamster
It's cute at first
But the squeaky wheel
Slowly drives one insane
And it's not so cute anymore

At first
People pitied me
As they tried to help me
But I continue
To use my anxiety
As a reason for my dysfunction
And it's driving everyone insane

At this point
I want to shut down
Stick a knife in my temple
And **** my brain
So I can think
But I won't
Because I have WAY too much to live for

So my next best option
Is to shut people out
And get the **** done

Alone

Because that's what I'm best at

It was stupid to ask for help
In a war against myself
That no one else sees
Because that's what pushes people away

They see me
For the monster I actually am
With my constant anxiety
And horrible depression
And they get overwhelmed
And leave

So the best thing I can do
Is lock this up
Put on a happy face
And pretend nothing is wrong
Lik I've done for almost 17 years now

I can't lose more people
I just can't handle the heartbreak
And I'm afraid
That my catastrophic brain
Will slowly destroy
The relationships I've worked so hard to build

So here I go
Just gotta hold my breath
Smile
Hold my head up high
And pretend I'm okay
Because that's the only way
To fight this impossible war

Fake it until you make it

*Right?

From the first kiss
And awkward embrace
To the last meaningful goodbye

You've stayed by my side
And loved me throughout
Even when I put you through Hell

I've pushed you away
And pulled you too close

I've been jealous
And angry
Bitter
And selfish

Yet you love me
Yet you care for me
You listen
And comfort me

You're my rock
You're my shelter
You're the breath in my lungs

You make me a better person
And a better Christian

You help me be sane
And see through the self hate
You love me
When I can't love myself

You accept me for me
All my hurt
And scars
And broken tendencies

You call me beautiful
Gorgeous
And ****

You build me up
When I tear myself down
You tell me you love me
When I'm nearly gone

What I'm trying to say is
You're my whole world
My love
My life

I love you baby
And I can't say it enough
Happy Anniversary

You are my hero
My inspiration
My rock

Thirteen years ago
You took me in
As the daughter
You thought you'd never have

You are a gift from God
You stepped up
And filled in
When no one asked you to

You treat my mom
With the respect
And love
She deserves

Through the bumps
Brusises
Bleeding knees
And cut up elbows
You were the one I went to

You "played" Dr. Dad
And taught me to **** it up
And not panic
At a little blood

Through my mistakes
Tiny little ones
And life altering ones
You've been there for me
Holding me up
Even when I was wrong
You've loved me unconditionally

When I got hit
With depression
And bipolar
You kept me in line
Motivating me to push through
For you
For mom
And for Colin too

Even now, when my anxiety is too high
You hold me when I cry
And text me in the morning
Saying it will be alright
Everything will be fine

I may not always believe it
Or even want to accept it
Because let's face it
Sometimes we fight
And I don't like you
But I'll always love you

You are a dad to me
Even when you didn't have to be
You could have said no
And walked away
But I'm glad you didn't

Even Elliot's family
Is thankful for you
And the wonderful job you do
In raising me
And loving me
Showing me right from wrong
And being a perfectly imperfect dad

I love you daddy
Even though I don't say it often enough
I don't know where I'd be
Without a dad
As wonderful as you

Happy Father's Day

How do I express my affection,
For the person who loves me most?
Buy a ring?
Or a necklace
And flowers?

But what's the point of that?
Rings get lost
Necklaces forgotten
And flowers die

But what oh what,
Do I do for you?
Choclates?
A cheesy card?

Chocolates don't last
And cards are discarded
So they won't do
For the magnificent you

What do I do,
For someone as great as you?
You're one of my best friends
You care for me when I'm sick
And hold me when I cry

You laugh at my corny jokes
And random thoughts
You smile at my silliness
And sometimes play along

You listen to my stories
The good ones
And not so great ones

You sacrifice so much for me
It really ain't that fair
For me to act like
I don't even care

You've combed my hair
And picked my clothes
Washed my belly
And my toes

You've loved me
Since even before you had me
And worked so hard to care for me

You found a wonderful man
To help raise me
With you
And he's doing a really good job too

You are a wonderful person
And an even better mom
I wouldn't trade you for the world
You really are "da bomb"

You've made your mistakes
And I've made mine
But all through out time
You're my partner in crime

This poem is getting long
And I guess it will have to do
Even if it doesnt describe
The perfectly wonderful you

Happy Mother's Day mom
I hope you know
You really do mean the world to me
And that I really do love you

3 happy pills a day
Keeps the doctors all paid

Stuck inside myself
The vicious claws dug in
The beast awoke
And I might choke
Which will cause me to cave in

He's been sedated
For so long
I forget he was even there
But now he's back
And he has attacked
And has ripped apart my brain

Worthless
Disappointment
Pathetic
Weak

Continuous­ly fighting
Clawing and scratching
Tearing apart who I am

I've worked so hard
And come this far
Just to be dragged back down again

Sedated for years
And I fought through my tears
Yet here he comes again

He's back with a vengeance
On a mission to wreck this
The progress I've made seems pointless

I wak up in the morning
And want to stay in bed
Finally succumbing to him

The time I stop fighting
Is the time I start dying
And the beast would finally win

But I've played this game
And its quite the same
As before this bought of destruction

If I keep fighting
He'll keep trying
But eventually I will win

Times will get better
As I work even harder
To get through this rough patch

I don't see an end
But I know it'll come
Because something will eventually give

Whether it's him or me
We shall soon see
May the strongest force win

I can't seem
To hold it together

Oh gosh
I can't breath
This might be a problem

Here comes the shakes
Wonderful

Ouch
That hurts
My stomach is twisting
Am I going to *****?

I can't hold this pencil
My hand is covered in sweat
Fantastic

Ugh
I can't do this assignment
My brain is rushing too fast
How do you spell the again?

Is my heart still beating?
Did I just die?
My chest is so tight
This can't be good

I can't focus
Is that a penguin on my paper?
When did that get there?

What?
How long has he been talking to me?
Focus
Who is that?
Oh
That is my buddy
Hi buddy

What is he saying?
I know he is saying something
I can see his lips move
And hear his voice
But what is he saying?

"In and out, Monica.
In.
Out.
Focus on me."
Oh
There he is

Is it over?
Am I free now?

I can breath again
My tummy still feels funny
But that feeling usually likes to stick around

Is my heart trying to escape?
It must have been too tight
So it crawled into my throat
Interesting

The air fills my lungs again
It feels wonderful
Even if it was only a few seconds
I missed my oxygen

"Are you okay?"
Another buddy asks
She's cool

"Are you sure?"
My guy buddy is talking to me again
Cool. They must really care

"Ya. I'm okay. It was just an anxiety attack."

Hope
What does that word even mean?
How am I supposed to have hope
In a world so broken
A world so
Hopeless

Pain
A word all too familiar
A word that is a part of me

Pain and hope
Cannot live side by side
They can not live together
In the same body

No matter how much I want to
Hope doesn't seem possible
Especially after being depressed
For almost two years straight

Maybe I am a hopeless case
Where pain always exists
And light is only a dream

Because this world is suffocating
With the standards
And sexualities
And expectations

I want to quit
I want to give up
I want to fall into nothingness

I don't want to live
I don't want to be in constant pain
I don't want to hardly breath

I don't know what to do
Because I hate this in between state
That I call life

I don't want to live
But I don't want to die
So where am I
What do you call this

How do I fix it
No amount of drugs seem to help
And I can't think straight
With these violent mood swings

I can't keep living like this
I can't keep fighting like this
It's exhausting
It's impossible

I'm lost
I'm broken
I'm hurting
I'm hopless
I'm pained

So what does hope mean?
How do I get it?
Does it even exist for me?
Does it exist at all.....?

Human nature is such an odd thing
We smile when we're in pain
We cry when we're happy

We all want to be loved
To be unique
And to change the world

It's a part of our human nature

It doesn't make sense
That our natural instinct
Is to be wanted and loved

I hate my human nature
My instincts you could call it

I hate myself
I shut down
And I lock people out
Even though I care so much for them
And they care for me

I don't trust
I don't open up
I don't expose all of me
Because I'm afraid

I'm afraid of my human nature
Because my human nature
Is self-destructive

It tears me down
Ever
Single
Chance
It gets

I can't figure out
What is human nature
And what are my demons
They seem so close

I'm so tired of fighting
My human nature
My natural instincts
But I know I can't stop fighting
Because then I'd be alone
And I can't handle being alone

So I fight this weird thing
That we call human nature
Because I've got no choice
In what to do

Please don't hate me
For the secrets that chain me

I hoped you wouldn't see
What is underneath

I'm a monster myself
There is no way to deny

So shield your heart
Shield your ways

Because once your mine
There is no escape

No where to run
Or hide

The monster inside
Reaches out
Towards anyone close

Threatening to revel my secrets
Secrets that will destroy me
Destroy your affection for me

I'm ruled by a monster
That lives inside
It takes over

I'm the monster

I will butcher your heart
It's not a matter of if
It's a matter of when

You deny it
I see it in your eyes

Look at my history
My beloved
Everything I touch
Is destroyed

I'm a monster

And no matter what you say
It will happen

Because the monster
That becomes me
Is sedated at the moment
But it will come out

It always does
Through the hurt
The pain

It awakens
And swallows me

Then I'm the monster
And I'm destructive
And vicious

And unintentionally
Will DESTROY you

I am a **monster

Im sorry i push
Im sorry i build walls
Im sorry i snap
Im sorry my moods swing

Everything is blown up
Everything is warped
Everything is twisted
A small problem to you
Is a tower ready to crush me

You wont understand
I know that
But dont get frustrated
Because i know

I know im being ridiculous
I know im being illogical
I know im being dramatic
I know im being exaggerated

I know

Yet i cant help it
Im trying like hell
Im working really hard
Im fighting through it
Im working on chipping at the tower
So it doesnt crush me

Normal things to you
Like school and work and a social life
It blurs together for me
It molds and warps into an ocean
An ocean of rough seas and deep water

In the simplest problem
I drown
I sink to the bottom like a stone is at my ankle

I sink so deep that i can barely see the surface
The end or solution of the problem is only visable through moving water
So i cant tell
I cant see
I can't focus

When i concentrate really hard
I can see it
I know how to fix it
I know what to do
But then it gets blurry again
The waves wash over me once more
And im alone
Drowning in the depths of anxiety
Completely alone because no one can hear me cry
No one can feel the burn in my lungs as i gasp for air
No one can hear the muddled and clustered thoughts that crash in my head

Im drowning
Im drowning and i know how to fix it
But its really hard for me
You say its simple
But to me, its not
Its like swimming in a rough ocean
With a rock tied to my ankle

So im sorry
Im sorry im not strong
Im sorry i exaggerate
Im sorry i dramatize
Im sorry im over the top
Im sorry i cant fix it
Im sorry im not good at this
Im sorry i havent gotten it quite

Im working on it
Im fighting
Im swimming
Im climbing
Im doing whatever it takes to be on top with you
Because i love you
And I want to be with you

She smiles
Her eyes sparkle
She laughs
She is full of energy
But inside
Inside she's hollow
Behind her sparkling eyes
Are held back tears
Inside her laughs
Are hidden cries
She stands tall
With weights in her hands
With in every line
Is a hidden lie

I'm screaming
Screaming
Screaming
Screaming

No one hears me
Hears the echos
Sounds that bounce through my hollow core

The emptiness
Suffocating
Overwhelming
Exhausting

Can't breath
Can't think

Don't want to live
Don't want to die

To exist
To not exist

To be
To not be

Screaming
Yelling
Crying
Begging

Mercy
Mercy
Mercy

Have mercy on me

Hear me
Help me
Free me

It's not a bad day

It's raining outside after a night of loud thunder

It's not a bad day

I woke up in blood

It's not a bad day

I had to wash my sheets and scrub my mattress

It's not a bad day

I couldn't figure out what to wear

It's not a bad day

I couldn't look at my body without disgust

It's not a bad day

I struggled to find an outfit to make it bearable

It's not a bad day

My new thrifted necklace broke in two places

It's not a bad day

My ears started bleeding when I put in earrings

It's not a bad day

I ran out of time to do my chores before I had to leave

It's not a bad day

I have to go to the store after my college classes

It's not a bad day

The 20 dollar manicured nail polish are already chipping after 4 days

It's not a bad day

I promise
It's not a bad day
It can't be a bad day

I will climb out of this hole
If it’s the last thing I do

I will see the light of dawn
A few thousand more times

I will fight
Tooth and nail

I’ve been fighting this long
This hard
To stay alive

I will not give up tonight

The little things in life
That make it all worth while

The "how are you"s
And "later boo"s

The forehead kisses
And comfort hugs

The goofy laughter
And silly faces

The baby cousins
And great grandmas

It's the little things in life
That make me hold on

Don't forget the little things honey
If you're going down that path

It's no fun
I've been one
It seems long
Just hold on

You'll win
Just hold on
To the little things

Cuddling with my kitty
I could feel him rumble
As happy, content purrs escape him
If I could purr
I would

I was satisfied with a little kiss
Kiss him on the forhead
Kiss him on the nose

My kitty was my baby
My kitty was my companion
My kitty was my safety
My kitty was my constant

He loves to cuddle me
Especially when I'm sad
Because somehow
He always knows how to make me feel better

I love my kitty
And I'd do anything for him
Because he's my companion
And he'd walk to Hell and back with me

Fake smiles
Pretend laughs
Broken hearts
And missed memories
Shedding tears
And hidden sobs
Sniffling nose
And rehearsed lines
All to pass one more minute
One more day
Time doesn't stop for a broken heart
So lie your way through it
With your fake smile
And pretend laugh
Hide your broken heart

A light after dark
Smiles all around
Music pulsing through speakers
Into my veins
A new hat sitting on my head
A souvenir
A marker in time
The snake wrapped itself in my arms
Whispering sweet nothings into my ear
I laughed and scrunched my nose
Click
Moment captured
Forever remembered in time
Good times
Good music
A family reunited
A light after dark

I honestly wish
I could explain
What you mean to me
And what you do

You are a life saver
A miracle, you could say
You held me at my worst
And wiped away my tears

You listened to me
And did whatever you could
To make me smile

I was on edge
And wanted to jump
But you held my hand
And pulled me back
Then held me against your chest so tight
As if I'd disappear otherwise

You convinced me
To stop the self-harm
Because you knew
My need for other's safety
Was a larger priority to me
Then my health

You told
Whatever I did to myself
You'd do it
To your body
Because you knew
I didn't want that

Whenever I panicked
You held my hands
That way I couldn't fall into old habits
Of tearing my skin apart

You make me smile
And pull me out of my self-hate
And depression
Faster than anyone else

I've never met anyone quite like you
Because even though
You're just as broken as me
You love me anyways
And we are fixing each other
At the same time
Without even trying

You mean more to me
Then I think you realize
Because no matter what I say
It isn't even close to what I actually feel

You smile at me
And I can't stop the smile
That forms on my lips

Whenever you kiss my temple
Or forehead
I get butterflies

Whenever you hug me
Or hold me against your chest
I feel like nothing could hurt me
As if it's the safest place in the world

When you "pick on" me
I can't help but laugh
And smile
And do it back

Whenever I act like a kid
You have this cute little smile
That is reserved for me
Because you think I'm being cute

Even though we aren't together
All the time
You take care of me

You make sure I eat
And take my medicine
You make sure I get sleep
And get my school work done

You're the first thought I have in the morning
And last thought before I go to bed

You're the reason I smile
And the reason I laugh

You help me be
A better person than I was
You don't baby me
Or feel the need to shelter me

You protect me
But see me as an equal

You pulled me out of the dark
And showed me the light
That I have inside
And showed me what everyone else sees
Which is something no one has been able to do before

I believe God gave me you
For a specific reason
And I believe it's because
We build each other up
And make each other better people

And to think
This all happened
Because you needed a friend
While you were hurting
And I reached out
And now here we are

And I'm hopelessly
In love with you
And I'm falling harder every day

And I'm really glad that you're there to catch me

A random hello
A single how are you
Caused a snowball effect

We talked more
We laughed
And flirted
Or maybe the last part
Was just me

And you figured it out
My conversations with you
Sparked my curiosity
And I craved knowing you more

I talked to you
Whenever I had the chance
Before bed
After school
On my work break

You were always there
You were always ready to talk
You said you liked to talk
So that's what we did
We talked
For hours and hours

Then you pieced it together
You figured it out
And I hadn't even meant to show you
You found my burried heart
Where I hid my true feelings

I panicked inside
I sent countless texts
Apologizing and trying to play it off
I suggested to forget about it
But you said something that caught me off guard

You asked me out
You asked me to go to dinner
You said you wanted to get to know me

I panicked inside even more reading that
Because I didn't know
I didn't know what to do
Or what to say
Or how to reply

I simply stated
I would love to
But you have to ask for my dad's permission
And you said ok

And I was baffled
I screeched
And I threw my phone
And panicked on the outside

Now here we are
Talking
Flirting
Getting to know each other

You've been on my mind a lot
You've been causing me distractions
You've been the first thought when I wake up
And the last thought when I go to bed

I'm not sure what to do
Because I don't like being vulnerable
Yet here I am
Cautious yet adventerous

So shall we see?
See where this leads?
See how our paths will overlap?

A trip down memory lane
One click away
One finger tap
One scroll
A stroll down memory lane
At the tips of my fingers

S was the first
He loved me the worst
And I gave him my all

My parents forced us apart
And broke our hearts
But in reality
Did me a favor

Four years with him
And looking back
I don't know why

He hurt me
In more ways than I dare count
He hurt my heart
He hurt my soul
He hurt my body

Yet I loved him

B was the second
And I was in the wrong
He was a saint
And I was the devil

No one wants to be the bad guy
But I'll gladly take the blame
For the second boy who loved me
Didn't deserve the hell attached

I drowned in my despair
And I took him down with me
10 months of love and hate
Until he hit the brakes
And left me at the first high school football game

C was the last
Who took my pain away
It seems not long ago
He also took my breath away

Now I want him gone
I want him to be a distant memory
Because it appears he just used me

Whether a friend's hatred
Or honestly viewed ideas
It seemed to planned out
For it to be all real

He asked and asked
Until one said yes
Then he left
And I'm left in this mess

One year before time said enough
And two months have passed
And my heart still aches

I'm in this mess
Because I love too much
I'm in this mess
Because I deny the pain
I'm in this mess
Because in reality....

It's what k   e     e     p     s         m    e           s       a       n        e

Maybe I don't want to let go
Maybe I like suffocation
Maybe I enjoy suffering
Because I seem to gravitate
Towards the forbidden path
Of memory lane

5 months
   153 days
          3,672 hours
I still taste your kiss
    I still feel your embrace
           I still hear your voice
But I also hear the fights
    I still hear the insults
           I still feel the guilt

I want to hate you
I want to despise you
I want to push you away

But I can't

I can't stop loving you
I can't stop thinking of you
I can't breath around you

I hate myself
But I miss you

Sad all the time?
Here's a pill

Self contious about your weight?
Take a pill

Over anxious?
Pills all around

Slept too much?
A pill will help

Didn't sleep?
A pill will solve that

When will society
Get it through their thick skull
That pills won't solve everything

Sure they help
I'm not saying they don't
But they can't solve EVERYTHING

I'm severely depressed
I'm extremely anxious
All
The
****
Time

So they give me pills
Little pills
Big pills
Capsels
Tablets
Different shapes
Different colors

I still feel empty
I still feel hollow
No matter how many drugs
These doctors force feed me

I'm so accustomed to it
My body shuts down
If I miss a day's doseage
I'm so accustomed to it

I have to remind myself
Almost everyday
That all these pills
Aren't magic pills
They won't magically cure me
No matter how much I long for it

I started this path
2, almost 3, YEARS ago
Yet I'm still here
At the bottom of the pit
No hope
No faith

So many stupid pills
So much false hope
So much anger
And depression
And anxiety

They may help you
They may help him
And her

But they don't help me
I feel like I'm immune
Like my mental state
Built a wall so thick
That even drugs can't help me

Now when I say pills
And drugs
I don't mean illegal stuff
I don't mess with that
I mean the prescriptions
Doctors write to get paid

I follow the rules
All the directions
Everything
And my heart is still chained

I'm so sick of this
It feels like a game
Like a giant lie
That doctors tell me
So they can make money

"Take this and you'll feel better."

"That didn't work?
     Try this one."

"Lets up the dosage.
    And add this pill."

"Have three more pills
    on top of those two."

"Take all of these pills
     twice a day.
         With food."

"It's very important you take it."

Right
I have to take all your pills
So I can be 'normal'
So I can be happy
And fit into your broken society

It's such a twisted game
A joke so funny
I forgot to ******* laugh

**** your pills
***** your problem solving
You can't fix me
With all the worthless, expensive, pills

I saw you cry yesterday
You sat on the floor
With your head down low
Your eyes grew glossy
And I didn't know
What to do

I whispered your name
And held your cheek
I kissed your lips
And said I love you

And you cried
First one tear fell
Then a second
Then a third
And my heart sank
With every drop of water

I held your face in my hands
And sat with you
And told you I loved you
And kissed your cheeks and lips

You told me nothing was wrong
As you stared at the ground
And rubbed your tired eyes

I was afraid
I was afraid it was then end
I was afraid I'd done something
I was afraid

My heart hurt
Because you wouldn't talk to me
You wouldn't tell me what was wrong
You just sat there
Staring at your hands
Or the ground
Or the table
Repeating the same lie I've told you a million times

"I'm fine."

So I sat there
With tears in my eyes
And a shaky breath in my lungs
Standing strong for you
Because you've done it for me

Then, you told me
You told me why you were so hurt
What caused your tears
And what caused your fears

You told me you were afraid
You told me you felt like
You couldn't do anything to help me
Most of the time
And I just stared at you
And I couldn't stop my jaw from dropping

I've told you once
And I'll tell you a billion times

You are my safe space
You are my happy place
You are home

When I'm numb
You make my heart beat

When I cry
You hold me close

When I'm anxious
You talk me through it

You're my rock
My shelter
My best friend
My love

You mean everything to me
Everything

Please don't doubt me when I say
That you're my safe space
That you're my safe haven

I love you
So so much

When we danced together
It was just the two of us
There was no one else

I sang to you
Every single word
With everything in my heart
Coming out into words

I mean everything
Every single I love you
Every single kiss
Every tight embrace

When I look into your eyes
I can't even explain what I feel
What I think

I can only tell you what I know

I know that I love you
That you give me butterflies
That my heart stops
And speeds up all at the same time

Don't doubt it
Don't ever ever doubt it

Don't doubt me

Trust me
Because I love you

How can't you see
I'm broken inside
I'm damaged goods
No hope insight

You say I'm fantastic
Beautiful
And kind

How can't you see
I'm worth just being left behind
I don't understand
How I'm worth your time

You say you love me
You say you care
I don't understand
Your thought process

How can you love me
When I'm so broken inside
My heart butchered
Broken into pieces

What if I'm broken beyond repair
My heart may just be another snare
What if you're just wasting your heart
Trying to repair mine

My love will just leave you in despair
As I've got nothing to spare
My love is a poison
And it will leak into your soul

So be ware
My cautious lover
I might hurt you
Might even **** you a little

Because I'm broken
My love like shards of glass
I'm damaged
Maybe beyond repair

I love you
Cautious lover
I'll let you use your time
On a heart as broken as mine

Be careful
My dear
Because I fear
I might just be a waste of your time

Thank you
So much
You *******

Who do you think you are?
How dare you
Remind me of my insanity?

Do you hear the whispers
Of a thousand different demons?
Do you feel the collar choking your neck?
Does your head spin?
Does your body feel weak?

How dare you
Lecture me for my anxiety
When I know
That I need to change

I'm working at my pace
Not yours
Because it's not your problem

Yes
I get your concern
Especially considering I don't leave my room
But who do you think you are?

Reminding me
That I'm ******* insane
That I'm not normal
Just pushes me closer to the edge

I. *******. Know.

I know I need to change
I know I need to get out
I know I need to talk to people

I already know
So lecturing me
Doesn't help anyone

I have built a shell
To protect myself from the world
And yelling at me
To get out of this shell
Just makes me cower further inside

Are you the one
Who had a panic attack
From ordering lunch?
Are you the one
Who is constantly paranoid
That no one loves you?
That you don't matter?
That everything around you is a lie?

I didn't think so

So who are you
To tell me it's all in my head?
To tell me it's my choice?
You might as well tell me to get over it
To **** it up and move on

Would you say that to me
If my leg was broken
And it caused me pain?

No
You would tell me
To sit down and relax
Even if it's just for a few minutes

My mind
Is broken
Into a thousand different pieces
And I'm trying
So. ****. Hard.
To put it back together
But your words
Shatter what little progress I have made

So you, sir
Can **** right off
And leave me alone
Because this is my war
Not yours

You have no right
To say a **** thing
Especially considering
You've never been cursed
With a mental illness

Now don't get me wrong
I'm not looking for pity
I just hate when you push me

But most of all
I hate this
With a passion
I don't want to be insane
But it's the hand I was dealt
And I'm working with what I got

I don't know
Why my anxiety has gotten so bad
It's a mystery to even me
But until you walk a mile
In my shoes
You have no right to say anything

No
*******
Right

Normality
Sanity
Hopeful
And comfortable

Things I've searched for
My entire life
Things I cannot seem to find

I've moved
Been abused
Been bullied
Been neglected
Been heartbroken
Been forgotten
Been rejected

There is no normality in my life
No steadiness
No plan

I've been hospitalized
Take medications
Been suicidal
Almost self harmed
Been so anxious, I get sick
Been so depressed I can't move

I have no sanity
Never really have
I've longed for it
Just so I could fit in

I've been crushed
Been promised something but never received it
Been lied to
Been left out
Been alone

I've lost hope
In the people around me
Lost trust
And faith

I've been depressed
Been alone
Been rejected
Been abused
Been forced to do things

I've never been comfortable
I always get curveballs
It seems nothing goes right
Ever

Normality
Sanity
Hopeful
And comfortable

Things I've searched for
My entire life
Things I cannot seem to find

PTSD couldn't happen to me
It wasn't tramatic
You're being dramatic!

Flashbacks my ***
They're just haunting memories
That dance through my head
From time to time

Nightmares as clear as day
Please
I'm sure you're in dismay
But it's just a fiction
In my head

Aching heart
That's normal
A part of my life

Nauseas feeling
I must not have eaten enough with my medication

There he is
In a sea of noisy people
My heart is pounding
My palms are sweating
And my stomach is turned in knots

Shut up
You don't know what you're saying
Of course I'm not scared
I have nothing to be scared of

Why are my palms sweaty?
There are too many people
Why do I feel sick?
I'm really hungry

There is no possible way
I have what you say
For it wasn't tramatic
You just like to be dramatic

Billions of people
Billions of problems

But it only takes one
One smile
One laugh
One "hello"
One "it's going to be okay"

It takes one person
One life
To affect thousands

It takes you

You have the power
To save a life
Or take a life

Your words
Your actions
Might mean nothing to you
But they could mean the world
To somebody else

Use your 'power'
To those in need
Show the love you have

Be a rebel
In our society
Reaching out in kindness
Is rare

So be a rebel
Be kind
And remember
You have the power
To save lives
The question is:

*WILL YOU TAKE IT?

My past haunts me
My future taunts me

But when I'm with you

I'm at peace
And it's weird
But wonderful
All at the *same time

People
They cause so much pain
Stress
Anxiety

It makes my brain
Want to explode
Because I can't handle
People

I'm rejected
Even when I try
To fit in

I've been told
That I've got to reach out
And go half way
To make and keep friends

And I tried
I tried really, really hard
Because people scare me
So I pushed myself
Out of my shell
To talk to people

And I got rejected
They talked to me
For a little while
But then walked away

How pathetic
Do you think it would be
If I started following them around
Like a lost puppy?

So I sat alone
In silence
Working on my project
Trying not to cry
As I realized....

I don't fit in anywhere

It's always been like this
No matter how hard I try
I always get pushed away
Put on the back burner
The second choice

So I give up
Why even bother
If my heart will just be broken?

I just wanna stay in my room
Or something
And pretend I'm okay
Pretend that my heart isn't damaged
Because that's all I know how to do

I cried last night
I cried because of the loneliness I feel
I cried because of the rejection
And self-hate

Am I not good enough?
Did I do something wrong?
Why am I always the second choice?
And put on the back burner?

I get attention
Because I'm loud and obnoxious
But no one pays attention to me
When I'm quiet
When I'm anxious or depressed

My so-called "friends"
Don't even bat an eye
When I sit down
And just cry

I hate people
People just kind of ****
They hurt me
And reject me
So why bother with people?

I go out of my way
To try and make friends
But nope
It doesn't work

I try to be a good person
A friend I'd want to have
But it's difficult
Especially when I continuously get hurt

So I don't know
What's the point
Of doing anything?

I just don't know anymore