you can never be too distant from someone, because they can always hurt you -

Mama said i would be okay
my friends said it's only heart break
daddy told me not to cry
but tell me why it hurts inside
why when i see that he's happy
happy without me in his life
i feel a shattering inside my chest
and i can't smile even if i try my best
Mama said thats what happens when you trust boys
my friends say he was just a toy
daddy told me not to cry
but it still hurts inside
So i tried to move on
i tried my best to smile
then i was numb after a while
my grades started slipping
my sleeping was more frequent
i turned to something to help me vent
it wasn't very practical
actually..not healthy at all
but i drew with silver on a pale canvas and the ink was red
soon, i couldn't eat, starvation was a theme
maybe if i was skinnier...he'd want me
but mama said i can't stop living
my friends said to please be okay
daddy stopped worrying...soon he went away
therapists tried so hard to get me to talk
drawing was hard with artist blocks
writing became boring, i no longer loved it
reading reminded me of something i missed
now im under 105
and my health is deterring
scars line up my legs and arms
somehow...i still believe it's my fault
that someone named james would take my spot
now mama is just scared
my friends they all worry
mama begs me to try
and friends always nag
caring is hard...when the first heartbreak you've had
is someone you trusted with everything
just leaves as if you was nothing

Hey mom?
Listen, i have to confess
I scream at a mirror which only reflects
My pain and fears i cannot cease
so both my wrists i’ve slashed and creased
Hey mom?
The doctor gave me these pills
He said they’d help me feel
As if i would be okay
But honestly? Nothing’s changed.
Hey mom?
I started crying in class
No, nothing’s really wrong
I just started
And couldn’t stop…
Hey mom?
Everything’s gotten worse
I think i need help
These thoughts always curse
Mom!?
Please listen, don’t turn
Your head away as if
You can’t hear my begs
MOM!?
Im bleeding from my arms
Ive reopend old scars
I’m counting pills as i swallow…
1, 2, 3, 4 ,5 ,6….10, 13,
Then...my vision was swallowed
Mom…
Hey….
The doctors say i have to stay
They said last night
I could have died
Then it would have counted as suicide
Mom…
What do you mean
You had no clue?
I wrote and begged
I gave you clues!?
All the words you would even speak
Is a simple
“It’s not depression, you’re just weak”

I was mad
Mad that after everything, you still left
Mad that i was just another voice in your head
Mad that all this betrayal came from you
Mad because i didn’t want it to be true

I was sad

Sad that i couldn’t keep you in my reach
Sad that someone else had something you couldn’t teach
Sad that i could no longer say you’re mine
Sad because i gave you my time

I was scared

Scared of someone else breaking my heart
Scared of letting another pull me apart
Scared of letting go of what he had
Scared of forgetting that you made me mad

Because you made me crazy

Crazy in love with your eyes
Crazy in love with the way you never tried
Crazy about how you laughed  at nothing
I was crazy with the way you made me feel like something

Now? I’m wounded

Wounded from trying to get you back
Wounded because it was my lack
Of resistance which brought me here
Wounded from all these toxic tears

You smile…

You smile that broken smile
Of a soldier who limped a mile
That smile which says ‘ im sorry’
Even if you don’t mean it, and the vision got blurry
I took you back


Because i wanted to believe you could change
Because i couldn’t live as if i was the same
Because i wanted us to be okay
Because i just wanted you to stay

And now im mad

Because I know i shouldn’t forgive so easy
Mad with how i remember her and get queasy
Mad because my friends say to leave you
Mad because I love being blue

I’m just mad