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Jan 31 · 15
Sacrifices
Joy has such a way
Of compromising
My art

These days I string together words
That leave behind vacant metaphors
Empty spaces where my soul used to take residence

I can't stand to sign them
Why brand something I do not own?
Nevermind that the kerosene has evaporated from my pen
My spark died with my anguish
With nothing to light it, it abandoned me, dispersed
I spent so long trying to numb myself
I used to think it was poetic, beautiful
The nights I'd drink a half bottle of whiskey
Before nine o'clock
The way my smile brightened
My eyes shone
One million cigarettes later
Different kinds in so many different places
Oh the adventure, the whimsy
Like it wasn't all a disguise
Suicide wasnt an option
Destruction was a thrill

I used to exist bouncing between worlds
Ones which I had created and therefore was God

In one I flourished inside my own mind
My own pain
I lived amongst my sins and worshipped my vices
They were a part of me there
Where my art covered the walls in murials

Unlike it's sister
Where my words were nothing more than an amateur's graffiti
Sloppy splattered nonsense that decent humans took as a sign to flee
There was no beauty there
Just the bleak hopes of a woman running from who she was
A permanent prohibition
No liquor
No cigarettes
Just grey sidewalks and clear skies that couldn't even be bothered to rain
The world without poetry

I stepped in and out of each one
Relishing the sadness while simultaneously running from it
I'd never planned on the joy
So when it came I had no more words

"Joy has such a way
Of compromising
My art"
I wish someone had told me that growth
Required so much sacrifice
I chose the most unsavory parts of me as my main adjectives
I put them on display so that only those who wanted those parts of me could get to any of the others
Now that I have erased them, lessened them, retired them
There are so many blank spaces left
Most of me, maybe
Are these sacrifices a compromise
Of the altar I've built
Or gifts that I finally believe I deserve to adorn it with?
Health
Joy
Love
All things I'd deprived myself of
Hidden from
Lamented about
Hated
I'd written a million poems about things I'd never had
How I longed for them, was robbed of them
But now, at my best, at my purest
When all of those things lay before me on a platter
My lips are sealed
My words have wilted and died
I mourn for them like I would a friend - a lover

Confugium
The foundation of my sanctuary
Had never been solid
Yet I Kept building on top of it
Up and up
The highs got so heavy
That I couldn't keep filling the cracks
With weak empty excuses
Addiction was such a pretty poison flower
It flourished in my garden
I fooled myself and everyone else into thinking
That tending to it first
And everything else last
Showed dedication to myself, my legacy
To being aware of the tragedy of the world
It was such a Johnny Cash-esque charade
The woman in black
With her liquor and cigarettes
Look at me
Lamenting about the injustices
While doing nothing but drowning and preaching
Look at me
I'm a ******* poet
I ooze messiness and disdain from every pore
I ***** metaphor
I'm so deep
So deep
In the hole that I dug myself
With no plan for a way out

After I tore down
The unholy temple I'd made of myself
Stripped my altar of lipstick stains
My pain, his pain, your pain
I dressed myself like a fresh ****
Spilled my toxic guts onto the floor
Drained my tainted blood
Skinned my arms - my *******
To clear away the dark words I'd tattooed there
I Set fire to the Bible I composed
Full of strung out verses
About death and life and loss
All those things poets dwell on
Make a living off of
Worship

Then all that was left was me
And I didn't know what that meant anymore
I'd forgotten so long ago how to simply be
Sober, happy . . . Alive
I was staring at a blank piece of paper
I could write anything I wanted
But somewhere along the way
I'd run out of words

The sacrifices we make
Are so frightening

I'm still afraid
Still grieving
But I've planted roses in my garden
Repainted my temple with greys
I've invited in visitors for the first time in so long
To worship alongside me
Leave gifts at my altar
There are windows now
So that when the sun rises there is finally light
And though the words still don't come so easily
They trickle in with the rain
They tumble out with a laugh
They're tracked in on the soles of shoes
Little by little I'm piecing them together
Like a priceless and shattered vase
They're taking shape at last
To find me at peace
A new artist
Weaving different worlds with my words
Finding new things to say

Maybe, joy has a way
Of compromising my art
Or maybe
Joy has a way
Of repainting
My world

These sacrifices we make
They're poetry too
Jan 4 · 49
Just a letter
Maybe this isn't a poem so much as it is a letter. Not that it's anything new since once upon a time I wrote you a book. I only looked you up because I've been watching a show that has a big display of your type of crazy. It made me think of us for the first time in a very long time. I hate most of the things about you. The way you talk. The things you like. I hate your music, and for the sake of rhyming I hate your stupid ******* bike. I don't know what it was that kept me around for so long. I guess more than anything it was chemistry, not details that drew me in. The great ***. I don't know anymore I haven't thought about it in so long.
Moral of the story is I looked you up today. You've got a new girlfriend and for a second I was jealous. She's not as pretty as I am. Maybe she loves you more; or maybe just for real. All I know is I'm glad we're not together, since I missed you for the first time in years just tonight. There was nothing for me in you. Bye now.
Jan 2 · 84
Still Don't Know Why
I mourned you
As if you had died
Then I saw you today
With my own eyes

And it sparked joy in me
That you were alive
Remembering a time
When you were by my side

It wasn't easy for me
Seeing your ghost
The very soul
Who I'd loved the most

But there you were
Bag in your hand
Unkept beard on your face
Less of a boy more of a man

So consider these words
A lingering kiss goodbye
Because you've still left me
And I still don't know why
Dec 2019 · 96
My Father
My father is an old man
Once upon a Time he was a cold man
He was almost always a good man
The kind where you knew where you stood, man.

My father raised loud daughters
My father raised proud daughters
My father raised daughter that said yes with no question
Who's no's were not a suggestion

My father raised strong daughters
Beside you when nights got long daughter
My father raised stern daughters
Daddy raised you get what you earn daughters

My father raised daughters that would fight a grown man
But know when to stay silent and when to raise a hand
Daddy raised daughters that don't need a man
Daddy raised daughters just like he planned

And those daughters became mother's
Cousins
Aunt's
And their daughters are difficult women
Loud women
Proud women

Because daddy looked around and didn't like what he saw
He saw weak men
Like to drink men
He saw men who beat their wives
He saw men waste their lives
He saw men who would suffice
To sleep next to his daughter the rest of his life

So Daddy raised women to be strong
And sat beside them when nights got long
He never had titles, power, or wealth
In his old age he barely has his health
But daddy gave me more than money or fame
Daddy gave me his spirit and gave me his name
Nov 2019 · 120
Enough
The problem we are having
Is that I am at peace with myself
Which means only
That I am at war with you
And I fight so hard
To be enough
I try to be sweet enough
Clean enough
Happy enough
Awake enough
**** enough
Forward enough
Modest enough
Reclusive enough
Home early enough
On your schedule enough
But enough is enough
You claim you are leaving
I hope you either treat me properly
Or this time you just go
Nov 2019 · 50
Empty Spaces
I found comfort
In your being
Beside me
In a crowd
In the car
In the world

In a moment

That's why I have so many empty spaces
Nov 2019 · 675
November
I was soul food for you
While you watched me starve
The suicide diaries
Oct 2019 · 340
Untitled
Oct 2019 · 158
Roots
I never planted my roots with you
Because the ground was too firm
You had too many rocks

Besides
Oh light of my life
How was I meant to grow up
When I was surrounded by ground covers
c.        
r.      
e.     
e.    
p.  
i.  
n.
g.

all around me

How was I meant to bloom
in a garden
that you never cared to water?
I still loved you the most
Oct 2019 · 146
My Apologies
I create a version of myself
Custom built
For every person that I meet
But for you
I was the only version
Not manufactured
That is why I don't call
That is why i don't write
My apologies.
Oct 2019 · 102
Offering
.       let
                                  me in
  to
                                                your
        sacred spaces
                                       so
                                                         i can
    decorate
                            your
                                                  altar
           with
                                     lipstick
                                                        stains
     and
                                                   expired
                                  rose
                                         petals

             let me be your offering
.
Oct 2019 · 2.2k
Treading Water
.Loving you
Is a sinking ship
And as I bail water out
You pour bucket after bucket
Right back in
.

.It won't be long now till we're treading water.
Oct 2019 · 78
Confugium
.Sanctuary.
I offered it to you
And everyone
Anyone
When it was meant for me all along
.

Someone save me from my own understanding
Oct 2019 · 216
Generational Nonsense
The consequences of your actions
Are a burden I suppose I asked for
When I agreed to belong to you
When I offered you sanctuary in my arms

Yet tonight - they are so heavy
And I no longer wish to carry them
My legs are so tired darling
Please just admit that you were wrong

My legs are so tired darling
Break the generational chain that binds us to this nonsense.
Sep 2019 · 65
Journaling
.Friday the twenty seventh of October at twelve thirty nine PM

-I am getting worse day to day, meaning that I am sad again. Real sad. Try anti-depressants even though they don't work sad. It's funny that I use that word since really it's empty that I feel . . . Or maybe hopeless. Call it whatever you want.
The thing about it though- is that I don't know who to tell. Half of everyone I know can relate which means no one even cares. I'm guilty of the same thing. "Just keep pushing it'll pass." Right? I love my job, my relationship is good, and we're financially stable. Nothing in my life is going wrong so I can't pass the blame onto some little problem. I spent nine hours cleaning my house on Wednesday hoping that I would feel better. I slept all day Thursday hoping that I would feel better. I wrote it down today hoping that I would feel better, but I don't. I don't feel better. Who am I supposed to call about things like this?

Not my sister because she's run out of things to say. There are only so many times you can be sad for no actual reason and expect someone to say something new. I decline therapy. It's expensive and I don't want to talk about a bunch of things that I've already gotten over, and pills? What are pills? I've been down that road and then down even further for . . ? Nothing. For nothing.


So what am I supposed to do when I'm carrying boxes and suddenly want to hurt myself? I've never been a cutter. Never been a burner. I want the weirdest kinds of pain. I want to snap a rubber band on my wrist or bite myself until I bleed. Crazy **** that doesn't make any sense to me. I work out everyday. I drink water. I bathe. I eat.

Honestly I'm really high functioning. I don't really spend a lot of time talking to other humans anymore, but I can chalk that up to losing my super empath powers I guess. I call it independence but it could just be exaustion. I'm so tired of self diagnosing. I can tell you what's wrong with someone else in thirty seconds flat yet somehow my own sadness continuously baffles me.

I guess it doesn't really matter. I'm not going to **** myself or do something crazy. I used to cheat on my boyfriend or let someone hit me during ***, but I've grown out of that kind of stupid behavior. For awhile I was writing essays about how to get through what I'm going through which were awesome for a lot of people but don't help me at all

Maybe I'm doomed to save everyone in the world other than myself. That would make sense since there's nothing I can do about my condition. If that's what I want to call it. So I guess maybe I'm just having a bad time.

I'm sure it will pass soon.
Sep 2019 · 51
So Fucking Sad
. . . Let me make this clear
I don't know why I'm so ******* sad
So ******* sad all the time
Self help articles and hobbies and pills
Never helped me
Never helped me at all
I've been sad half my life
But now I'm fine
Everything is fine
So what's the deal?
What's the deal
?
. . . Better . . .
Is it something real?
Because I don't feel it
It's a word repeated so many times in a row that it has lost its meaning
. . .
. . . Do you still love me when you are sleeping,
Then will I fit well in your arms?
All that anger you've been keeping,
With your eyes shut can it still do me harm?

I sit here beside you afraid to lie down,
My mind can't rest after everything you've said.
I'm afraid to wake you so I don't make a sound,
I'm not sure why I even came to bed.

I have given you everything but it's not enough,
I am so sad and I feel so alone,
I want to stay but you're making it tough,
I live here but I'm not at home.

Do you still love me when you are sleeping,
Or will you push me away.
Am I something you feel is worth keeping,
Or does it make me stupid to stay?

Do you still love me when you are sleeping
. . .
Sep 2019 · 181
The Rabbit
I am a rabbit
And every man in the world
Is a fox
An eagle
A weasle
A dog
A man
I may kick, bite, claw, scream
I may be the biggest rabbit
The strongest rabbit
The rabbit with the most fight
But I am a rabbit
And because I was born as such
The odds are not in my favor
This isn't a post bashing men or some kind of feminazi garble. This is the truth. Men are naturally bigger and stronger than I am. Almost all of them. Even when he play wrestles with me my skinny boyfriend who weighs 135 lbs can easily overpower my 160 lb mostly muscle frame. I am a rabbit and I don't feel safe.
Sep 2019 · 145
Begging
. . . Hit me . . .
I'm begging you for it,
Begging
. . .
Aug 2019 · 204
No Longer Certain
I am no longer certain
That you are the man I want standing beside me
As I lay my father in his final resting place

Someday

I am no longer certain
That you are the kind of man that my father
Would have chosen to care for me after he

Is gone

I am afraid
Aug 2019 · 214
The Ocean
. . . Forget not
That I am a ship
But you are not the ocean
. . .
Jul 2019 · 231
We Could Have Had
. . . Maybe if I learn . . .
. . . . . . . Another language . . . . . . .
. . . . From a different time . . . .
. . Meant for different people . .
. . . . . I could write
us . . . . .
. The love story we could have had .
Jul 2019 · 239
Heights
"You can't speak to him like he does to you. He is standing on the ledge darling. Speak to him like you would someone with a fear of heights - who's just begun to look down. That. That is how you love him."
Jul 2019 · 102
Save Him
. . . Save Him . . . Says the girl I used to be
. . . Save him . . . Whispers the brokenness inside of me

. . . Save Him . . . Echos on every breath I exhale

. . . Save Him . . . Scream the birds flying over my head
. . . Save Him . . . Weave the spiders into their webs

"He's not mine to save" I repeat with each step I take
"He doesn't belong to me" I declare to the sun every day break
"Save me from this temptation" I pray each night
"I can't love him" I cry when it's too much to fight

. . . Save him . . .  Commands the universe as it pushes me toward the edge

I just hope I can catch myself as I fall off the ledge
May 2019 · 107
Forgiving your Misgivings
Even when I think I
Should let you go
Falling asleep without
The rise and
Fall of your breathing
Is harder than
Forgiving your misgivings
Apr 2019 · 155
The Blood
Its like the blood brings out the sour parts of me
My mind wanders to the forbidden side
Where all the things I left behind seem to hide
I do well in my walk in the light
There's no temptation for my soft side to fight
Then I find blood and things start to change
I think of all the naughty things a few sentences could arrange
In all the things I know I find ways to conjure doubts
That tell me to throw away the thing I can't live without
And that's exactly why when I had the chance I ran away
Away from all the people and all the things they'd say
I'm finally planted firmly with roots deep in the ground
And no one is whispering about my secrets when I'm not around
So why does the blood bring so much poison to my mind
A million naughty thoughts, one of each kind
I'm not a liar. I don't cheat.
But the blood tells me to love every person that I meet.
God gave me a gift and my side of the bargain I will uphold
I'm strong enough to surpass pyrite in my quest for solid gold
This man is my today, my tomorrow, and my best friend
Which is why I will stay strong until the blood trickles to an end
Apr 2019 · 92
Dusk
. . . "You are dusk on my horizons," I muttered, as I stroked the familiar line of his shoulder blade.
"I think you mean dawn," he scoffed, as he rolled away from me like he had one thousand times before.
"No . . ." I whispered at his retreating form. "Dawn brings the light. Dusk . . . Dusk steals it away.
"
Jan 2019 · 215
So Very Tired
There is no rest for me
Even at my best there is
No peace for me
There is a beast in me
But she's asleep, you see
I'm just so tired.
So very tired.
Jan 2019 · 355
Pretend
Always pretend that you are alone
That way
When everything falls apart
. . . It's like nothing has changed . . .
Dec 2018 · 110
Here You Are
Once I thanked God
For the peace I found in being alone
So he stole away my solitude
And instead gave me a home
. . . And there you Were . . .
. . . And here you Are
. . .
Dec 2018 · 250
No One Else Ever Has Been
Maybe
You weren't good to me
Because
That's how it was destined to be
. . . I diluted myself for you
I spoke less and moaned more
I softened my spirit
I offered up yeses that once would've been no's
I held my tongue between *******
And wore pretty pink lace where there once would've been the blackest leather
I put fewer cigarettes between my lips
And instead pressed them together
To keep you from remembering
Why you didn't love me before
I put on an apron
To play my part
I served you smiles on dinner plates
And sipped white wine in place of whiskey
I put hearts in a lunch box
To keep you company through the day
Then mourned who I once was
While you were away

. . . I thought that if I was softer
More feminine
More pure
That you would be kinder
That I would fit better in your arms
That if I didn't talk back
My lips would taste sweeter
That you would listen when I spoke
I thought that if I became weak
We could be strong
That if slaughtered my Independence
And laid it to rest at your feet
That you would want to stroke my hair like you once had
When I stopped standing my ground
In the kitchen where I performed
And let the peanut gallery at the table
Critique my every adjective
Only to curtsey before their taunts
That when doors closed
You would whisper that I had done well
That your heart had space for me again
I thought that maybe if I hid it when I bled
You would leave the whiskey alone and finally come to bed


. . . But instead
I committed a ******
I killed the woman that I loved
I took a spirit and trapped it in a box made of yes dears and I'm sorries
By replacing her combat boots with pointe shoes
And her pride with warm baked cookies
I slit her throat with a knife made of compromises
Chained her ankles to the kitchen table and forced her to dance before lesser beings
I made an arrangement of the wild roses that made up her lips
And left her unprotected without any thorns
Then cut out her tongue and made her watch
in stunned silence
when you trampled through the garden with clumsy careless feet
I murdered the woman that I used to be
Sacrificed everything just to find that you never loved me
. . .



. . . But fear not, even the goldfish who lies belly up can swim again . . .
Nov 2018 · 147
Sacrifices
Happiness has such a way
Of compromising
My art
Nov 2018 · 300
Little Rabbit
. . . Remember little rabbit . . .
You miss the moments, not
. . . The man
. . .
Nov 2018 · 325
My Worth
I don't know why
I'm surprised-
I'm vain and I always
Overestimate my worth
Nov 2018 · 219
Just Gone
The day snuck up on me this year
Five years is starting to feel long
You're no longer my yesterday
Darling you're just gone
The Suicide Diaries
Oct 2018 · 182
Come Home
Who will I find
Tonight
When I walk through our
front door?
I miss you all the
time
You haven't left the house for days
I'm with you
Always
But lately
I sleep
Alone
While you lie beside
me
I want to
Touch you
With all of my
Clothes
On
Baby come home
Oct 2018 · 157
November Is Coming
November is coming
Maybe this year I will welcome it
With parted lips
Like an old lover
Waiting for a long overdue kiss
Oct 2018 · 122
Not Today
I just want to cover every last
Bit of me
In tattoos and for
My depression to just go
Away
So that I
Can write poems
Again
And for ***** sake
Maybe eat
Something

But not today
Oct 2018 · 208
Amen
Lord,
Thank you for this man
Just like I do every day
Lord,
Thank you for this man
I want him to stay
Lord,
Thank you for this man
Please . . . . Please . . . .
Don't take him
Away.
In Jesus name I pray
The Lord Giveth
Oct 2018 · 168
If You Don't Sleep
Close your eyes
Deep breath
Then another
Do you feel my fingertips
Tracing the planes of your shoulders
My lips skimming the ink of your tattoo?
Count down from ten
Nine . . .
Eight . . .
Can you feel my heartbeat?
It's talking to you
"Sleep, baby, just get some sleep."
Relax, honey
Toes first, cradle your head in your hands
I can see the shadows your eyelashes cast on your cheeks
Let me run my fingers through your hair
Once, Twice
You smell like cigarettes
Do you feel my breath on your neck?
"I love you, sweetheart, goodnight."
Ignore the light from the TV
Focus
One heartbeat. Eleven.
Let me be your lullaby
If you don't sleep
Neither will I
Sep 2018 · 131
You
You
. . . You
**** me, you
Are the best thing that has ever
Happened to . . . Me. . .
I thank God for you every day baby
Sep 2018 · 149
Cut Me
I want to smash this whiskey bottle
On the floor
And roll around in the mess
Then maybe
It will burn like it's meant to
Jul 2018 · 366
I'm Afraid That You Dont
. . . Does she
                   Kiss you goodbye before
    You leave for work in the morning?


Do you miss her on the week nights
        That she doesn't spend in
   your (our) bed?

             Do you think she picks out
   Places she wants to go
        On the map printed on the
             Inside of the shower curtain
That I only bought
                            Because you liked it

       I find something to miss about you
Every
                  Single
             Day
But it doesn't hurt like it used to

I'm not asking
         Because I'm afraid that you love her

I'm afraid that maybe, you don't . . .
Jul 2018 · 198
So Far Away
. . . "How?" I asked him-
Amazed that he spent nine years in love
With no one to hold for it
How easily I forget
Closing my eyes and trying to feel you
Beside me when you were
So far away

         . . . The sacrifices we make
Jul 2018 · 244
A Day or Ninety Nine
You rarely sleep
Yet here you are
On uneven mattresses
With multi colored sheets
The sun bit you today
And so did I
You're about to start snoring
I'm about to turn out the light
We made love not too long ago
On the floor of my mother's spare room
And if I didn't know any better
I'd think that I'd been listening to the
Sound of you breathing beside me
For a life time
Rather than a day or ninety nine

I think I love you
Perhaps you'll stay
Jul 2018 · 351
The Lullaby
I wish I knew how to play the guitar
Maybe then I could hear the song
That I strum on your shoulder blades
Every night
To coax you to sleep

I am a musician-
Thank you for being my instrument
Jun 2018 · 179
How The Tables Turn
Looking back on old photos
Makes me want to scrub the essence
Of you
From the passengers seat of my truck
And the skin of my arms
The freckles on my cheeks
The sheets on my bed
You make me feel ***** now
How the tables turn
I traced the lines of your tattoos
While we drank wine in the living room
Mixed cigarette smoke with my perfume
We had no one else and nothing to lose

Winter comes and there you are
Coming to thaw my cold, cold heart
Warmer days kept us apart
But snow would fall and a fire would start
  
Fingertips on tattered keys
We were Gods in a world we'd never see
Painting a picture of intimacy
You made art out of little old me

Years went by that I spent waitin’
For you to be in our bed again
I checked in everyday back then
Sometimes you'd stop by but I'd never know when

The word Boston tastes like you now
I'd like to forget it but I don't know how
I remember painting the front room of our house
And making love to you when you tried to walk out

Come run your fingers through my hair
We can stay in bed all day in our underwear
Our house feels empty without you there
I still hear your footsteps coming up the stairs

I try my best not to think about us
Or how you used to get so jealous
Our story is old and covered in dust
But I promise to remember you every Christmas
Do you?
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