We could both pretend
That 40 minutes was
Enough
For what you wanted to
Do to me

That girl
Knew
KNEW
That I was a threat
She scented it a mile away

Unlike the girl I spent the night with
Promising
That we were only friends

We could do better baby
You could hold me
Secretly
Nightly
Mostly


Hold me
Nightly
Baby
Today
And tomorrow
And today
And tomorrow

See the wildest part isn't
That I know you
Still read this


And you
Are lying in bed next to her
And I



LOVE her.


She is the absolute sweetest
Cutest
BEST

For you.
But you baby


Are falling asleep thinking
About me



Because I went home with him
And you with her
But eventually
We'll find out way back to each other


I miss you
And you miss me
And you have a baby
And I'm a ****


But I ******* love you
And I had a dream last night
Where you kissed my face
Come find me
We don't have to tell anyone
I'll feel you
I love you

The air is cool and damp in the mornings
So the ache of missing you is creeping in
Like how the old folks sense a storm
You are my storm
I slept thirty six hours trying to dream of you again
But you're a phantom inside my mind
Always just out of reach
Maybe this year you'll find me in the light
My beautiful faceless boy

Either say you miss me
Or tell me what you want from me
Are the options I pretend are on the table
Like I won't talk to you for hours
Like my heart doesn't skip
When your name comes on my phone

Explain to me
Why I miss you
When I know so well
That nothing was real
And you've loved on
(*Moved)
And I can't trust you
And I wasn't good enough





"It was real."

*******
****
You

You took me to all of your favorite places
Showed me around your home town
Introduced me to your mother
You fed me
You held me
We made plans
We made dinner
You lied to me
You threw me away
You made me feel like I was crazy
You told me it was my fault
You told me I wasn't good in bed
Like you didn't tell me
That my body was beautiful
"Pay attention to my actions"
See what you want to see
"I still care about you"
I'm going to keep you until I don't need you

I told you once
That I need to be held after ***
Or the anxiety gets me
"Why didn't you tell me?"
And you wrapped me up
And made me feel so small
And you kissed the top of my head

Every time after that

I could curl up under your arm
My back against your side
Your arm curled around me
And I held on for dear life

And it meant nothing to you

Us
With no clothes on
In the daylight
You were holding both my hands
Chest to chest
My legs around you
We made eye contact
As I moaned your name
You leaned in
And kissed my forehead


And it meant nothing to you

I ****** you
And you didn't even like it

I took my clothes off
In the daylight

And it wasn't good enough for you

"I'm bad with words. Judge my actions."

That was a trap

Because you told me exactly what it was
But let me read into it how I wanted

I've never been played in my life
But you're a manipulative *******
Who let me love you for your benefit

My love
I don't know why the universe
Blatantly refuses
To let us face something together

I told my love of 8 years that his dad shot his step mom and then himself today
And I feel selfish for not being okay
We haven't been together for almost 6 months now
And it's his tragedy through and through
But I love him
And it's not that I want him to need me
It's that I want to go to him
And hold him
And let him be whatever he needs to
But he hasn't asked me to come
And I'm spiraling
Hard

I love you sweetheart. I'm so sorry. But he's gone. I'm so sorry baby. I can come to you if you need me.

When I imagine
What it's like to die
I think back to when I was three
And I compound fractured my arm
Falling off of a horse

You had your truck
But we were close to home
So you scooped me up
And you ran all the way there

I'm so sorry baby. I'm so sorry baby. Daddy's got you. Daddy's got you.

That might have been the only time
You ever said you were sorry


I'm so sorry baby. I'm so sorry baby. Daddy's got you. Daddy's got you.

I just know
That if there's anything after this
Maybe even if there's isn't
After my last breath leaves me
That's what I'll hear

I'm so sorry baby. I'm so sorry baby. Daddy's got you. Daddy's got you.

Because I hear it
Now
In the dark

I want
To be
Dead

Everyone has a favorite ex.



Everyone is the one who got away. I'm broken as all ****. I don't know how to let go. I keep starting new problems. I'm at my very core exactly the ***** my father was and accused me of being. I wish I wasn't this way

I wish
I wasn't
This way


But I've written more poems about you than anyone I've ever known. I crave you more than a cigarette. I can't help myself. Even when we're all together I give you the look. I use the name I called you in bed. I can't sit here and pretend you don't miss me. I can't sit and pretend you don't want to kiss me. To touch me one more time. No matter how long it's been and how far we've come and how much we love each other's significant other. Regardless of circumstance. If we could do it one more time. If we could play pretend and go back just for a night. I would pick you. You would pick me. No telling. No taksies backsies. We would.

I'm proud as **** of you. I'm glad I get to be here for this.
All I wanted was to be here for this

But I would be under you in a heartbeat if you asked
If you offered
If we spent a second alone.


I love you still
I miss you

Everything is terrifying and uncertain and I just want my daddy

I miss you.
Call me baby
It's not that I want to take you.

It doesn't have to be like that.
I rooted for you so hard.

I'm still doing it.
Genuinely I love her.
I know you do too.

It's. Not. Like. That.

I'm just so ******* proud of you.
So proud of you baby.

I miss you
I miss you

Maybe I'm drunk as ****
Maybe I wish you still loved me

You want to be his friend
I want you to be his friend

She's my friend
She's so sweet

If we hadn't done what we did
I could've kept you forever











**** your mom
**** my mental health
**** that one dude
I miss you
Miss
You

I love my husband
He's never done anything wrong
I'm so ****** up
My brain is shorted out

You want to **** me?
Get a handful
Of whatever

But your time is short

You want me to love you?
Let me do that.
I'll stay for so long
Forever

Platonic cuddling
Back rubs
Daily talks
Doing anything for you

Get me naked once?
You've got six months

I want you to keep me
I want to keep you
I'd give you all the things you never had

Please
Please
Please
Please


Just like me for who I am
Because I love you

I could love you so easily
But most likely temporarily
Because of who I am
Please keep me
Please keep me.

There are so many lines in this world
Pick the one that lasts forever
Not the one that lasts a night
Or a week
Or a year

I want you to keep me
I'll stay for you
I will

I think of men much like I think of dogs

I'm initially weary of all the strange ones
I keep my distance and speak softly in case they might bite

After I meet them a few times and they're consistently friendly I'll let my guard down a little

Even then though they will still sometimes bite even if you think you know them

I've encountered enough biting dogs that I'm starting to fear dogs as a species

Which, as it turns out, dogs can sense and they don't like

I don't want to dislike dogs.
I've loved plenty of very good dogs in my life.

There are many dogs that I'm excited to see when they approach me
That I'll give treats and belly rubs to

But people that don't know me well think that I don't like dogs

When they see me interact with them on our first meeting they think I'm mean and crass

But in reality I'm just afraid and trying my best not to show it because they'll sense that fear in me

And chase me back to my truck
Or bite me
Or snarl and snap at the air to watch me dance for them

One mean biting dog will make you wary of dogs for a short time
But then you forget

It's only after many biting dogs
Many scary dogs
That it starts to wear on you
That you get nervous of all of them

But you tell someone their dog bites and they don't believe you

They say its never done that before
They ask you what you were doing when it bit you

They tell you that you should've have been in their yard
Like they didn't invite you there

So it's not that I don't like dogs
It's that dogs don't always like me

And they're one of the greatest dangers that I face on a daily basis

I'm a dog person
I'm also just an animal that runs on instinct

I wanted so badly
To be excited
Like other girls

I wanted so badly
To grow and glow
Like other girls

I wanted so badly
To be
Like other girls

But I'm due in 2 weeks

And I'm smoking and drinking
And acting a fool

Like other girls

Because August will never come

I am a ****
And a *****
And all of those things
That I didn't want to be

I hope you're happy

You made me this way
Then made me ashamed of it
Someday I'll get through that

I was so in love
With you
And your bedroom
In the shed you called an apartment
And I spent a year with you
Keeping my demons quiet
Until you got too loud
And now I miss you in the cold
When I'm sad
And I want to be held
Just right
We can watch bike tricks on a loop
Or someone play video games
That you couldn't afford
Not forever
Just got one more day
Maybe once a year
Our little secret

I'm just so tired
Of being so hurt all the time
I just want to be left alone
No more friends
No more lovers
No one to hurt me

I used to be so afraid of being alone
Now I crave it like a drug

Just let me be

It just makes perfect sense
I put everything I have at risk
Suffer in ways I never have before
Give you the absolute best
That I have ever had to offer
But I am not enough
Again
And it's my fault
Again
And just like always
You have no problem
Declaring that I am your one and only
But somehow
Just like always
No problem moving on

Maybe you just wanted to prove
That you could do it

And just like always
You were right

I read over that last message
Over
And
Over
Because I just can't delete it
Just like I can't forget you
I put it in my archives
So it's out of sight
Or easier to find
Whichever
And I check it every so often
To make sure you haven't missed me
Like I still miss you
Despite us both
It's so ******* stupid
You hurt me so deep
******* man
I hope you find someone to
Put up with your ****

Never have I come so close.
I tasted the barrel but it was bitter
Baby you don't notice
And I'm so tired
But there are so many promises
So many
Stay here with me
For the end
This isn't the end
But I'm drunk and alone again
There's the rhyme
I've been craving

When it takes everything in me not to hold a gun to my head just for fun. Not for serious because the temptation would be too real. But just for fun. Nights like these are as close to therapy as I'll ever get. Only because I didn't do it

Has anyone else called you by your real name in bed. . . ?
Asking for a friend

******* Kid.
You are the only one.
The only one who could **** away
All the times he touched me
And I didn't want it.

You.
Are the only one who could grab me by the throat and I wouldn't panic

You. Baby.
Are the only one who could make it better. Make it go away.

You

Are busy elsewhere and I'm a grown woman ashamed of *** with no way out, and you are ******* the hottest ***** I know.

I had it bad for YOU though, baby boy.

My apologies darlin'
That I made you feel human for a moment
So human that it drove you
To bite
The only hand
That has ever fed you
In any way that mattered at all

I'm sorry for meaning something

Maybe I never really loved you
But I watched "The Office" with you
Even though I'm not one of the people
Who gets "The Office"
So I definitely really loved you

These days
When I think of you

It's that black sweater with the sleeves pushed up

******* me won't fix you but we can pretend
Get a fistful of hair
Arch my back
Watch me bend
Making you feel powerful
Makes me feel valuable

Did you have a bad day?
Tell me about it while I kiss your neck
There's no better way to solve it than with ****
Are you sad? Show me.
Own me. Control me.

Slap me while you do it
If that will help you work through it
Bruise me. Abuse me.
Any way to make it go away
Use me


Give it to me I can take it

Daddy.
You've been gone over a year now.
And I call on you all the time.
They tell me you've seen my successes.
But you're always on my mind.
I miss you and it keeps get harder.
Because I can't seem to get smarter
Tell me to make the right choice
The thoughts on my head have your voice
I miss you
Mom told me the truth today
You left me and I can't find a way
To rationalize
Your Demise
Tell me it'll be ok

You're probably not even thinking about me
In reality you're probably cuddled up with her
Getting some sleep for work early in the morning
But I'm out here waiting for you
Because maybe my thoughts still echo in your head
I don't know what it is I want
Just to talk
Because maybe you understood me
Maybe you still could
Or maybe I'm sick
And I'm never satisfied with enough
With the best
I swear to God I would never act
On what my heart tells me
Because that ***** rarely has my best interests at heart
Pun intended
But you could come say hi
Catch up
With no listening ears
No prying eyes
Just old friends talking about yesterday
No harm
No foul
No way
Nothing more
Not like before
Come see me won't you
But you won't
And that's ok too
Safe

Why am I so MUCH
So much that you can't sleep beside me
I'm convinced because my brain is so loud
That it keeps yours going
As we sit in the stillness of the dark

I wish so desperately
That you understood when I say that I'm having trouble
Living inside of my own mind
But you are so simple
So sweet
Such a strong swimmer
But ultimately unprepared for the wave that is ME
So I'll stay here writing rambling poems in the dark
Becoming less myself
Before I find my way to our bed

Because you can't rest beside me

I successfully washed away
The worst parts of myself
And built a new life
Completely clean

But even though
I'm only a year away from
Having an entire body that you've never touched
That I have tattoos your lips have never seen
I created a self that you don't know

I can't get rid of you

And this life
So perfect
So precious
Seems lacking without you in it

I can't let you go
And I don't know why
What's worse?
Seeing you every once in a blue moon?
Or obsessing about how you're missing from this

This thing that I built to finally rid myself of you

I'm sick.
You're the cure.

I don't trust myself around you
How can the cure also be the poison
A fire that always burns
That could destroy my everything

I miss you. Please call.
You terrify me. Please don't call.

Try to write poetry
I said
It will make you feel better
I said
What if the words won't come?
I ask myself.
Get medicated then.
I reply.




No.

I spent so much time
And energy
Dragging your lifeless body
Up the cliffs of hell
That when we found the surface
I couldn't drag myself over the ledge
And you left me there
Now
On the surface
After my time to rest
You won't look me in the eyes

I fought so hard to save you
Burned my fingers on the hot coals
Of loving you
Yet
You deprive me the chance
To dance with you on the surface

Congratulations you ******* *****

Why do I always look back to you
When nothing about US made sense
How is it that so much later
You cross my mind
And I'm still jealous
Of the life you built with someone else
Even though I'm living mine
And I'm fine
And I don't want you
I swear

Depression feeds on difficult situations
That doesn't mean if fades when living should be easy

You have a failure for a wife
But I will always love you so

Dear __,

     Even though you were a lifetime ago, I find myself thinking about you now even though, I was never enough you always wanted more. Sometimes I picture you when I touch myself, back when you were down and out and needed my help. Barely eighteen and struggling to survive, taking you to bed always made me feel alive. When I was depressed you quite frankly ****** me through it. I've never had the nerve to ask for it the way you do it. To this day in many ways you were the best. But the *** wasn't good enough I had to look at the rest. Toxic is a word but it doesn't quite fit us. The highs were too high and the lows made me quit us. But I know sometimes you remember me too. Maybe someday you'll read this and know it's about you.

Don't worry sweetheart
You'll never be a statistic where you live inside my head
They're telling you that you were loved
But no one mentioned a thing when you were here to hear it.
Rest easy baby boy
I'll bet you're at peace now
Or at least
You can see what they weren't saying
Sleep peacefully my dearest
The next life has its arms open for you

Living tastes like
The "bubblegum" flavor antibiotic goo
They gave me as a child
To cure my ear aches
You would feed it to me
From a plastic tube
As I cried about the taste
And you would tell me
That it's bad now
But it would make me feel better


It tastes bad now

But you're not here to hold my hand
Or feed me wisdom from a tube
To make it better


My husband walks through life
And doesn't for a single second
wish for death
Not like I do
It's ******* fantastic to watch

Now you can watch me
And you finally see what I've been saying
For so long
That I am tired


Are you sad for me
Or are you disappointed in me
You gave me such a chance
And I took it
But everyday is a struggle
Being alive is an infection
And there's no more medicine in my bottle

The metaphor is:

Staring blankly at a green light as a horn blares behind you

Daddy we've had this conversation
One hundred times I swear
But I am so tired Daddy.

Everything only gets worse.
It never gets better
No matter how hard I try
Or what I change

And Daddy I'm so tired today
So so tired
And I really wish I could tell you
All about it

That's life kid

But Daddy I'm tired

Daddy,

They've been sending me sympathy cards in the mail
And
Stopping me in the streets to say how sorry they are
That
You left me so suddenly not so long ago
Daddy
They ask me how I'm doing
Like
My entire being isn't a shrine to your memory
The
Photo on the post office wall is simply my face in a crowd
Daddy
I'm afraid for what comes next
And
I miss you
And
I miss you
And
I

It's you
Drenched in sweat
Face pressed into my shoulder blades
Taking heaving breaths
Laced with I love yous

I'm so ready
Because you are it for me
Why aren't you?
What's wrong with me?

I thought the nightmare
Was about him
But actually
It was about me

You see