anaemic and pale
i'm walking these streets.
they resemble the corridors
where you get lost for weeks.

they're not pretty or homely
they make you feel sick
anaemic, confused
your faith grows weak.

I close my eyes when crossing the road
i become deaf when birds sing their songs.
i don't want to be happy-
here it doesnt make sense.
i'd rather lock myself up
within self pity and tales.

you can't buy love
but you can buy a ****.
you can't buy happiness
or time you won't get back.

you can buy beauty, health and friends
you can buy anything
so look after your wealth!

you can't buy…oh
wait, you can buy it all!
as long as you have enough money to your name
the world will lie at your feet and follow every step you take.

i asked you to stay strong
i found the words
i hoped you 'd never cause such deep
and blood filled wounds.
we all get restless, and sometimes give up
and i betrayed myself so much i called it bluff.
and every note and word is now soaked in my rain
every day has had a mark left on, to see how time goes by in vain
would you remember how it was back then
we fooled around it seemed to harmless to pretend
instead of working on what we have got and we have had our share of tears
you wanted to move on with someone whose love would not seem so intense and fierce.
with someone who would never make you cry
someone who's near, not worlds away like i.
oh well, maybe you find what's best for you
don't want to lie, i don't hope you find truth.
i hope you suffer like never before.
i hope you feel the rain like it is downpour
i do. i really, really do hope you get hurt.
you get all bruised and covered in your dirt.

When the last leaf has reached the ground
And sky gets filled with innocent white snow
You ll start to see what you have found
Reveal the love you re desperate to show
The lightning strikes in your bright soul
We chose disguises for us all
To hide away from all the pain
Convince we dont waste life away.

If you let me in, i might crumble and break
i might stumble and fall
i might make some mistakes.
I might let you down once,
i might let you down twice
but i'll never get tired
of looking into your eyes.

If you let me in, i will forever be yours
be as gentle as silk, i'll be your faithful voice.
I'll hold you in my arms
when you're scared or confused
hold your hand when you're falling
accept when you're  refused.

I will be by your side
i will fight all your fears
i will lessen my pride
and build bridges from piers.
I will always forgive
no matter how big the sin
i will be your best bet
If you just let me in.

love is love and i'll never recover.
Love is love and i'll always relapse
every time i think i've got it covered
you pop up and i cant think that much.

just a phrase, nothing promising, heavy
but for some reason always enough
to throw me off a cliff, feeling dreary
with this creepy and neurotic laugh.

and i see you once every year
but in my head we're never afar
and i carry this lingering fear
i will die never crossing your path.

love is love so i'll never feel better
i will never feel entirely free.
im relapsing, but you've got it covered
love is love, woe is me, woe is me.

For 25 years now
There hasn’t been a day;
When I’d stop searching for the same light
That once led my astray.

Sometimes the light would burn me
As I reach towards the source
And other times
It’d blind me
Without slightest remorse.

We’re all looking for something
Are we ever complete
If someone’s keeping score could you
Add just one more defeat

I see hope in what scares you
What you’d never think of
Falling asleep on train tracks
Or  turning up gas stove.

Those who know love are happy
It’s such a wasteful claim
I know, I’ve been to heaven
It makes hell seem  so tame.

For 25 more years I
Will search for hand to hold.
Falling asleep on train tracks
Ignoring all I’m told.

i stood there cold
Freezing my hands
Thinking if this
**** ever ends

I couldn't feel
My limbs or guts.
I couldn't move
But the cold lasts.

My tight ripped jeans
Inviting wind
My spring lite Coat
gIves you a hint.

Im no good choosing what to wear
When I get up before the sun
I'm thinking maybe the next day
Wake up on time, put something warm.

i hate to deal with this and that s my curse
a spell that someone s put on my poor heart
right now and for a long time i felt nothing worse
could come.
i see the autumn leaves whirl in the air
some raise higher and higher
and some fall desperately,
touching the ground they flare.
the world around gets duller every day,
it s flooded with hope’s tears
and unaccomplished dares.
the sky is grey the thoughts are dark and thin
i want to walk until my legs give in.
i want to fight until i feel no more
but in the end i know
it s you i ve suffered for.
you re worth every teardrop
that i cry
every smile that i force and smoky heavy sighs.

ya vijy vi volnyetes' moi dryg
y vas tryasytsy ryki, plyashyt nogi
vi pozabili vsex i kajdogo vokryg
boyas' svernyt' s pryamoi kak shest dorogi.

*** vistypaet, v ygolkax glaz stoyat slezi
ne v sostoyanii stoyat', sidet' i govorit'
vi plachite, dlya vas vse tak ser'ezdno
moi dorogoi, ny kak tak mojno jit'.

no ne volnyisya, dryg moi
podojdi;
vi rano so schetov spisali vas je;
i esli mi seichas ne pobedim
to vperedi mi viigraet i dvajdi.

when in my head i go insane;
when thoughts are tangled, lost in blame;
when paranoia's boiling blood;
when I consider all ways out;
when I can trust what isn't real;
when smallest thing is a big deal;
when i feel like the world is crushing;
collapsing right under my feet;
when desperation's gripping tightly
me by the throat and i lose sleep;
when overthinking cant be stopped;
and of all sanity and clarity im robbed;
when pain inside's too much to bear
and my hopes turn into despear
he understands, he doesn't mind
he walks right by me, not behind;
he knows that in my teary eyes
hide years of love and sacrifice;
he tells me what i need to hear
to win this war against my fear;
he understands, he doesn't mind;
when sun's too bright but i need light
when world's unfair - he's still so kind;
he says he loves me when i seem
be drowning in my own dark beam;
he talks about me, how he's keen;
alas
he lives inside my dream.

This city cuts
This city bleeds.
The lights are blinding
Concrete streets.

A littered nature
Faded sun
In stitches are
All lakes and farms.

You run and run
Try to escape
You feel the pain
Try not to break

Your soul unfolds
Mind closes gates
You've seen it all
You know the dates.

he treats her like goddess
he treats her right.
he waits for her, he calls,
brightens her nights.

he speaks of her with so much love
affection
in every word he says-
there's her reflection.

with every breath he takes he thinks of her
he worries, occupied with her concerns.

he sends her letters, keeps her in his sight
he treats her like a goddess
treats her right.

and in return, i notice every time
when she looks up at him
her eyes glow with sincere light.
They widen, open to the world
when she looks up at him
i see, they are two stars
illuminating night.

he needs me more than i will ever know;
what i am thinking of he asks a hundred times in row;
he doesn't let me go;
his grip is tight.
and most of all he's scared of letting go at night...
when darkness falls he draws me to his chest
and that for me has now become
the only place, my shelter, where i rest;
he cares, and never says there is no time to
pick up the phone, or think about me just a second;
he never says i am the last thing on his mind
and by his voice into my little hell im beckoned.
the pills i take save me from losing what i've got;
they are antibiotics, alas, poison, although antidote.
and in the morning when we wake
side by side of the other, a mistake?
i fear he disappears and never says a word.
but he needs me more than i'll ever know.
he draws me closer,
asks me if im happy ten times in a row;
but when we part
he speaks to me no more...

it's a little but plenty
it's so cheap but expensive.
It's so brave but it's cautios
and so sweet nearly noxious.

it's so full, and so empty
it's so bright and so tempting
so fulfilling and breaking
what it gives you will take it.

It will knock you off your feet
it will dislocate your heart
it will wither your bones and
it's not even the worst part.

It will starve you and leave you
then take back and forgive too
it will beat you up daily
hourly make life dreary

it will spill, it will cry
when you turn away wry
lift you higher than heaven
bury deeper than hell
your vision will better
but blindness will find a way.

you will come out a *******
egocentric but lost
selfish, trustless and beaten
sell yourself for no cost.

throw yourself at a stranger
look for comfort and "it"
years will pass, pain will ease
you'll still die incomplete.

im in pieces
you're at peace and
the water rises
the waters hissing.
The sky gets darker
the wind is stronger
wrapped up in cold air
i aim at noone.
my thoughts are pure gold
but you're my acid
you burn right through me
i cant get past this.
i am a train wreck
i lost the railways
wandered off somewhere
looking for bright days.

he ran away from what he knew
and never stopped since then;
full of regret 'bout what he blew
set his new life's main trend.

He turned down true, non-profit love
and never shared a tear;
when she sat trembling on his bed
full of remorse and fear.

He let go of his best allies
neglecting their concern;
he thought they were so full of it,
to point of no return.

now they are joyous ,married men
she is a mum of two;
and all the same he's on the run
chasing his wasted youth.

Oh romance, whatve you got against me
Oh love, have I hurt you in some way
Have I sinned
Oh lover have I left you before our time
So wickedly I lived
And now I bleed
With every new wound I lose more and more my strength and
My bones turn into dust when you're around
But romance what I done.
What have I done.
Amongst a thousand people
I feel one.
Alone, deserted, left out
I feel blank
And when I stay with you
Alone, deserted, treasured
Don't feel numb.
My feelings they exhaust me
My flame fades
I blame it on being tired
But stay vague.

Kind hearts aren't meant to be used
Tender skin shouldn't carry a bruise.
Airy lungs - not for smoke,
But what I carry I broke,
And Ive burnt every safety fuse.

Universe is for all not for one
And our work although started-
It will never be done;
Spirit living in every
Shouldn't sleep, shouldn't rest
What I treasured and carried
Has been lost or misplaced.

Smiles meant to be honest
Not forced through teary eyes
Laughter is sign of happiness
Not despair in disguise.

If we all think the same
If we play the same game
Why are rules for each different
Why Am I not let play.

some innocence better not pled
some hearts are better left untouched
when young love's buried in the sand
it all may seem a bit too much.
some people better never met
some words are better left unsaid
and lover's warmth against your skin
is better kept when kept within.

it's better not to see or hear
dissolve rather than disappear
and aspirations locked inside
and fate is better faced with pride.
young lovers beware of the curse
the one replacing universe
one day'll explode and leave black hole
with nothing left safe sound or whole.

Quiet quiet in my head it's quiet
Riot riot my heart wants a riot.
More and more I
Long for wars than peace and
Bigger greater
Grows my love for fears then
Quiet quiet
Before storm it's silent
Riot riot
Im awaiting my end
Larger brighter
Fire's flames are rising
Thinking dreaming
Over-analysing.

you are my paper-cut
wound that wont heal;
you are the water in my lungs
my Achilles' heel.

around my neck- tight noose;
my quiet self abuse;
my lucid dream-
my silent scream;
and faulty safety fuse.

I dont know if im shaky or steady
Are my feet firmly set on the ground
Or am I lost and not at all ready
To see clearly or even come down.

I dont know if im honest or false
Am I being sincere or pretending
When I talk is my voice being heard
Or its drowned by the noise never-ending.

Can you feel me being in the same room
When im there with you sitting so tightly
Itching to get away, get out soon
Being close is too much, it is frightening

I need you
like never before.
want to sit
right beside you
on a couch, on the floor
on the ground
in the mud
in the rain
in the storm
i dont care where i sit
as long as in the same home.

They run away like I am fire;
They never look back
As if I were an evil tide, dengerous wire;
As if I were preparing to attack.

They run away and hide, never return;
While i am waiting patiently my turn
all I ever believed fades into darkness
the only light I see- is my hopes burn.

A wise man said-
Try loving thyself for a change instead.
But everything tastes different
And looks duller;
The smells are so mandaine-
theres none at all at times.

They run away as if I'm fire
Stil id take blame for their horrible crimes.

Your heart will break over and over
When you meet one
Who blows your cover;
The world will end with every morning
To be reborn through pain and mourning.
Cold water burns your skin like fire
But flames won't leave even a mark
Because compared to inside sorrow
A knife that sticks out of your back
Is safer.
A gun that's being held to my head
A noose tired firmly round my neck
Poison in coffee when days start
I'd rather choose over your heart.

When I run out of air and I can't breathe
When I lose my eye sight, forget the sleep
And mother tongue will make no sense to me
I'll still remember you like day before
And deeply rue I'd spent my days ashore.

The songs I listen to demand: dive in, jump in, depart.
They call for an uprising and a riot
But I feel safer in my home,
Where quiet.

When I run out of air and I can't breathe
When I lose all I had including thee
And will be left with aches and pains and bitter thoughts
i'll pay to feel your touch and hear your voice.

remember you walked in the rain?
and i held your cold, liveless hand
you told me you wanted to run
away from the world's endless rant.
remember i squeezed your hand tight?
when tears started burning your eyes
remember i held you and tried
to show you the colours
you chose to stay blind.
we carried on walking through storm
as wind would push us far apart
we held on to each other so tight
all we did we believed was so right.
the sky went so dark and so grey
your heart grew so cold, you looked drained
and i didnt know what to do
and all my attempts were so faint.
remember we walked in the rain?
i thought those were drops from the sky
but when the sun came out at once
i saw those were tears , your soul's cry.

you broke my heart
and now im breaking yours.
im taking my ships back
to homeland's shores.
im redirecting winds
and raising tides
you wont find a lone soul
you'll hear no cries.
you broke my heart
and now im breaking yours.
im giving back the wounds,
the pain, the sores.

and life is harder when you're not around
the water's levels climbing higher as i drown;
the air is cold and i cant feel my hands,
the knuckles on my right hand bleeds
oh so it tends;
and nights seem darker, sheltering more fright;
and days more dangerous, more burning feels the light;
like acid rains appears against my skin,
like spiderweb my armour but i take it on the chin.
and music- hopeless noise filled with vain screams
about being disappointed in what love just seems;
i scream along with them, empty my lungs;
and tears stream down my face,
i get the chance;
now all is calm, i ve had my break and let it go
im lying on the floor its dark and cold you know
and life's not needed when you're not around
that's why im lying buried deep, deep down

what if i loved you a little bit more?
if I blocked all ways in
but gave you key to main door;
what if my heart beat a little bit faster?
would i slow down the time
'fore inadvertent disaster?

What if my hand was a bit closer to yours
what if my ships came to your abandoned shores;
what if i travelled every day hundred miles
through the mountains and oceans
passing cages with lions;
would you love me a little,
would you love me some more?
if i broke all my bones
would you love me at all?

i am strange and i know you are too;
why else'd i rearrange dreams for you?
you are odd to the core, to your bones;
and it hurts twofold when you throw stones.
your weird spirit is filling the air;
and my demons are reaching their arms
to the light you emit, to the flair
we'd be happy, if there could be "us".
but you're a ****.

When i was drunk and broken
you took my pain away
you heard the words unspoken
when i was young and broken.

When i was mad and angry
you cleared my veins from pain
you took away my envy
when i was lost and angry.

What do i know about life and its beauty
everyone seems to be born knowing what they have to do
but i could never cope with assigned to me duty.
i’m just stuck in this hell i’m going through.

Stumbling and tipsy
Make my way through the crowd
Trying hard not to fall down
Not to **** up trying hard.
Forgot to keep my head up
Forgot to keep my back straight
Hoping us seeing each other
Will end with figure of eight

will you be my silence?
will you be my rope?
that i'd hold on to so tightly  
as i let go of hope.

will you be my nightmare?
wake me up from good dreams;
will you be my last drag
before i seize to exist.

i want you to replace
all the good and the bad
i want you to take place
of what i have and what had.
i want you to be the air,
i want you to be the sun
the only voice i can hear
when i can hear no more sound.
the only touch i react to
when flesh come off of my bones
and be the darkness i enter
as i fall deeper in love.

we never fully recover.
we never get up from our knees
we never know what kind of power
lies beneath our stumbling feet.
we've had our ups and lows
were way up high and saw the hell below
i d like to see you fall down from your throne
id like to see you cry and your heart eaten by the blackest crow.

my legs are dangling off the edge
my mind in circles on a sledge
off hills, through valleys and through storms
my feet are touching your feet's soles.

we are reflection of each other
forsaken sister, sinner brother
across and under gone and travelled
so many lies we have unravelled.

and many years we spent apart
not friends but siblings, bests at heart
my feet were dangling off the edge
again you calmed my mind's poor rage.

Lay with me one last time
Hold me close, breathe me in
Cuddle thoughts of our past
Dark times are creeping in.

Lay with me one last time
Wrap your arms and your soul
Around me, let me know
what you feel, how you're hurt.
let me know, let me know.

Stay with me one last time,
before we part for good
we dont have hours left
i'd stop time if i could.

Be with me, oh, please be
i am hurting all over
pain has now taken over
i cant see.

Shut my eyes dead
i cant see you go
i wont let myself see you walk out of that door.

lay with me one last time
Stay with me, hold me close.
put your hand on my heart, feel it bleed, feel it stop.
lay with me one last time
While i die in this pose.

i ll never lie
if you say yes.
i ll never curse ,
i'll argue less.
ill never envy,
gossip, whine.
i wont indulge on too much wine.
i wont smoke when im drunk, believe.
i wont make plans, and then retrieve.
i ll keep my word,
i ll help the poor,
i wont give in to selfish lures.
i ll study hard,
work double time
but let me sleep at least till 9.

Today i've lost my friend again for umpteenth time.
Since we fell out i've been losing her daily
i would wake up and lose her in my mind
repeating words and wishing life was fair, see

Today ive lost my friend and so will do tomorrow
it hurts, it has for the last year, my pain my sorrow
today i spoke to her again like year ago
today she let me down i let her go

tomorrow we will speak again and she will sound cold hearted
tomorrow she wont care that our ways parted
and i will still be feeling guilty, empty
and i will still suffer from  loneliness so hefty.

i am strong i wont break
i wont show you my weakness.
i am better than that,
wait, and you will witness
i am higher than skies
i am purer than lakes
hold on there little girl
do whatever it takes.
i am strong i wont cry
if i have to- i'll hide.
i am higher than sun
i am brighter than light.
i will bear it and suffer
i will protect my shuttle.
try and break down my walls
try and lose, i suppose.

they say, it's normal to be lost.
they say, it's usual to feel so insecure.
they claim
there's nothing wrong with feeling ill
unsafe.
advise:
stay brave.

they say, it's normal to be doubtful
it's ok to feel like ghost
sometimes in this life you're the guest
and not the host.
they say, keep at it, carry on, see where it goes
like water in the river
at times your life streams, flows
at times you reach the waterfall
all plummets dead.
it breaks on rocks, it burns in flames
the fires red.
keep your head up
and keep your faith stronger than ever
all bad will pass
darkness is no more than a fever

my mascara became my foundation
and my lipstick now turned into blush.
just like you once were my inspiration
just like our car ride is now a car crash.

and my hair used to be bright and healthy
my skin used to feel lively to touch.
now i can't even see my reflection
i don't think i have got one as such.

once i smiled and felt so rejoicefull
now i can't look up, not when you're there
never thought i could be so regretful
left alone with so much love to spare.

i won't hold on to you, you are hollow
empty like a life for those who live
once they no longer have who to follow
and they're just not yet ready to lead.

only the guy above knows i have suffered
tortured like a witch, like a weak slave
i will always love you, you're unworthy,
but your cowardliness did make me brave.

for all i know your time has come;
the light has taken over ways of your mere charm
the sky above has fallen down on hell
and what you loved echoes in sounds created by the bell
under glass cover we all live, unbothered
our souls are shut, but shirts are wide, unbuttoned;
you take a step into the world of mine
you hop and hope you leave me none of time.
my heart in seizure, scattered on the ground
i go through motions til i m breaking down.

when i was young i was naive
i used to love and then deceive
i used to own and leave behind
and hoped one day i would be fine.

My mother said the pain will ease.
hers never went away at all
but she kept saying
daughter please
just carry on.
i used to chase the planes and cars
i used to jump over the bars
so reckless was i, and so dumb
my mother said it was the climb.
you have to push and hurt and fail
to write your own beautiful tale.
the prince...i havent met him yet.
just came across the hourse he had.
the house got tired of his ****
and left him saying he was cheap.
im moving on looking for lords,
looking for kings and knights with swords.
why is it getting harder to give love?
maybe because i was bertrayed or cheated on
maybe because he was unworthy of
whatever.
i will one day meet the right one
who will give me a beautiful prince son.
someone who i'll live for until i die;
find someone who would keep me near
in stead of looking for a way to kick me out.
out of his life forever.
the one who'll tell me i'm his dear
the one i know so much about .

You feel like the sun
So hot and im melting
You look like the ocean
So boundless and tempting

Just like cold air
I feel you
Like rain you wash my smiles
In your tides im caught up
After walking for miles

im not a fan of being weak
im not a fan at all
but all of us have moment when
Tears run and hit the floor.

Im not a fan of swearing much
I don't use ***** words
But all of us are human to
swear the **** out when hurts.

im not a fan of drinking games
i am a mummy's daughter
but hey, can you please hold my glass?
my turn to spin the bottle.

im not a fan of taking drugs
and that's how i was born
though they say yesterday i claimed
"i'm yellow unicorn"!

If beauty will be this world's superhero
Who will save human race from chasing it?
It will all become clear when end comes reeling
We're killing what we did not help to build

With every word of critique we establish
Ourselves within ourselves
But nothing more
We hurt like we have right to be so savage
We sting as if we don't leave scars at all.

does anyone need
what i write on this page
probably not
unless i'm Nicholas Cage.