If my principles
die,
It has to be
with
me,
Never before me.

The crack in your voice as you said good bye
And hanging up I heard you cry.
It hurt to know that you hurt too
and the fact that I don't want to lose you.

A life in Christ is new and pure.
It is new as a white sheet, as fresh snow
Pure as the light, the lamb’s wool, the sun’s glow.

But the old life lingers; we battle ourselves.
And sin reminds us of our inherent darkness:
Every stolen pen and cheated test,
The sleepless nights of a lustful mind
Or the greed of our own open indulging mouth
Words like ice, hate, ******, lies.

But a life in Christ is new and pure.
His grace is sufficient, and his power is perfect.
He molds us, and prunes, burns and removes,

Changes anew.

I know you're reading this
Not necessarily sure why
If reading it just gives you a peace of mind
Or you just keep trying to hurt yourself

Either way I'm glad
And hope that this finds you
So that you can use it for whatever
Emotional outlet you use it for

I don't act the same
I'm nicer than I've ever been
My jokes are sharper
People actually like me now
I'm respected in my community
I'm a leader
I'm an actual Christ follower now
But why am I still here?

I don't look the same
My ****** hair grows faster
I wear glasses now
I've gotten kind of paler
I slick my hair back
I have gray hair
And now I'm balding
But why am I still here?

I don't live in the same conditions now
House is smaller
I maintain it, cook it, clean it, pay it
I don't have people cater to me
I cater to myself and those who live around me
I have my own van
Van is *****
***** is my room which is why I only now clean it
But why am I still here?

Why am I still in this place?
I feel lonely even when I know people love me
I sometimes feel like I'm sinking and no one can pull me out
I'm still angry no matter how hard I try
I still have the darkness inside me
It's trying to overtake me
God can help me but I don't know how

There is a void between us
That I wish I could reach across of
I wish that I could be held once in awhile
I'm kind of tired to doing the holding
What I desire is rest and to not be there anymore
To be called to so I may be comforted so I can comfort
I won't refuse for a second if that happens
I don't want to ask why anymore and instead exclaim, "Thank God!"