New Year , New Me ? Right ?
But it’s not a new me just a new year
I’m still me.
Plain old me .
Sarcastic check .
******* check .
Indecisive check ,check
Lonely check ,check ,check ,check
Codependent but pretending not to be .
Check .
I’m still using my favorite line
It’s the same old conversation
How are you doing
And it’s the same old answer
“okay “
“Never been better “
“ Can’t complain “
“Taking it one day at a time “
If their was an award for how much lies you can say in a 5 minute conversation I’ve won it .
And yes I said five minutes
Did I forgot to tick the “loose interest fast” box .
I’ve constantly been hiding behind these phrases because let’s be real ,
Even if they cared to ask if your okay
It’s not like they have the answers to your problem or a solution to your dilemma .
But hey it’s the thought that counts .
But I’m still left to deal with my **** on my own .
The truth is..
I’m not okay but you know that already.
It’s a common reply people use to distract themselves and their conversation partner from what really is going on .
I’m a mess .
I’m unsure of my future .
I have a should or should I not thing going on with my ex, “It’s complicated” but also not so complicated .
We’ve all been there
Delete the number? ,
Forget he ever existed?
Fun . Logical.
If only you could delete the memories and somehow get amnesia but only for the time you were together.
Not so easy is it .
But you try to move forward because what else are you gonna do ? I’m obviously still working on the “moving forward “ part .
Speaking of “moving”
Let’s move right along on this emotional train wreck.
I’m stagnant.
I’m afraid .
Afraid to take that step , I want it to be not of uncertainty but faith .
I want it to mean something .
To be a new beginning for me.
I don’t want to regret it .
Whatever happens at-least I took that chance to not think and just do .
I’m confused
Who am I?
What am I capable of?
What do I love ?
Who do I love ?
How do I love ?
Am I loved ?
Can’t complain??? Yeah Right .
I complain every single day about
Me,
Him ,
Her ,
Them ,
Hungry for acceptance.
Bleeding desperation .
Starved for self reflection.
Terrified by fear of rejection.
All of this masked by a simple “okay”
“Can’t complain “
“Never been better “
“One day at time “
Oops and don’t forget to finish with a smile.
I honestly never freed my mind like this .. I’m usually trying hard to rhyme to say just enough to not run on and on and this might not be a considered a poem but it’s what I felt like writing and it’s where I’m at right now unfinished but real . This is my platform and I’ll write what and how I feel . Ps it’s still pretty hard with my naming so bare with me .