Kalliope

Kalliope 4d

I didn’t really know how bad it got, and usually I do.
I tend to keep to myself and stay in my room.
It didn’t look like that this time-
no, it slowly evolved.
There was no sudden switch with all of my body involved.

I don’t smile anymore while drinking my coffee,
and every day at 7:30 my mom asks what’s wrong with me.
I say nothing, that’s just my face,
and try to reassure her that my feelings she mistakes.

I sit with my family and join my daughter in pretend,
oddly, everyone treats me like I’m standing at the edge.

Until one morning my dad gives me a drink,
talks about renovation plans and asks what I think.
But I don’t care, and I don’t know why he’d ask.
He tells me he’s scared I’ll be like him,
and see life like an empty glass.

Which was weird, we never talk that deep-
but he noticed the change in me,
so I had to admit defeat.
I’m no actress, never been in a play,
but I thought I hid my sadness well-
that it wasn’t infecting my day by day.

But I’m a fool, so that’s really no surprise.
Now I really have to heal,
since it’s reached my family’s eyes.

I think at some point I stopped expecting better things,
So when I’m disappointed it can pass and not really sting,
But I don’t want to be the sad girl-
not really, not anymore.
I'm going to be the confident girl,
okay with expecting more.

#depression #mentalhealth #family #grief #healing #coping

Kalliope 4d

Scream

I want to scream, get you off of my chest,
As if I could yell away my love for you-
like it’d cure my unrest.
As if the night air would accept my pain,
releasing it to the clouds,
turning you into rain.
But then you’d just be all around me,
soaking the ground-
yet I still haven’t mastered
moving on without sound.

Alright Cloudy I won't promise this is the last one, but I'll make a real effort to write about something different- this one was just already in the works 🤣

#heartache #love #grief #healing #regret

Kalliope 4d

Always Too Late

Never did I not love you,
I want to make that clear.
It’s what you were doing to my mind that made me run in fear.
And I know you’re probably laughing at these feelings I feel,
you did that to the last one but maybe her feelings were real.
It doesn’t matter, really, because it doesn’t change
the way that we are-
our whole dynamic, I rearranged.
I just can’t help thinking if I’d learned to shut up,
felt my feelings in silence and not easily gave up,
would things be different?
Had I not said what I said,
and then instead of apologizing, I laid stubborn in my bed,
I don’t know why I led with shame, and I don’t know why
you didn’t let me take blame, because I did ruin it, that’s a pure fact.
Unless you actually wanted to run too, and you just never mentioned that.
But no, I never didn’t love you;
in fact, I loved you so much.
But that doesn’t matter anymore, and I wish these thoughts would hush.

With a mouth full of peanutbutter could I finally shut the **** up?
If it's stuck to the roof of my mouth could I think before I speak-
Taking the time to read the room before I destroy it all?

#thinking #processing #accepting #reflecting #ache #love #grief #loss

Kalliope 4d

And...

And one night, at two a.m.,
your daughter will grab your face
and say,
"I love you, Mom."
And even though she’s been up for hours,
and your room’s a mess,
and you’re behind on laundry,
and you haven’t had a moment to yourself,
and you’re riddled with anxiety over things that feel unfixable,
and she looks so much like her dad-
all the suffering and pain will melt away for a second,
and you can just be here, in this moment.

And then when you kiss her forehead she’ll say “What the hell? What the helly mom?” and you’ll know you gotta start scrolling TikTok alone.

#motherhood #life #healing #smallmoments