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maxx 3d
the loneliess has teeth
and it bears down on my heart
next my brain
the hum of the refrigerator is heavy
breaking any silence there was before

i don't turn on the lights anymore
i can pretend you're here when it's like this
dark.
alone.
im so alone
maxx 3d
i love you like the sun loves the moon—
too far apart
to share the same sky.

you wanted stillness,
a life with roots.
i wanted movement,
a life with wings.

we tried to meet
in the middle,
but love
couldn’t bridge
the distance.

so i let you go,
not because i stopped loving you,
but because staying
meant losing
ourselves.

some love shines forever,
but ours was the kind
that had to end
to set us free.
you were everything I could ever want and more. i was nothing to you.
maxx 3d
he spreads me open and carves me from the inside out with his fingers while telling me im pretty
i tell myself he cant see that im crying
its dark in his van anyways
time moved on
but i didnt
yet another boy tells me im pretty with the lights on and tears streaming
i think im just meant to be sad
why else would this compliment feel so hand crafted
like they picked my lowest times to tell me how beautiful my pain looks
why else would i be so pretty when i cry
why didn't he care that i was crying
maxx 3d
i do not believe
in gods or devils,
but guilt whispers
their names to me
anyway.

a hymn of
you should have been better
plays in my chest,
and i hum along,
even though
i do not know the words.
for some reason, all of the songs about losing your religion feel like home.
maxx Dec 2024
i am a pouring pitcher,
filling every cracked cup,
yet my own glass
stays empty.

i wonder if someone
will see me
evaporate—
but they don’t.

still, i pour,
hoping the universe
will fill me back—
it never does.
i never receive, i only give. and no one seems to notice.
maxx Dec 2024
they say,
you can’t have this body
and this sickness.

but they don’t hear
the screaming silence,
don’t see
the empty plates,
don’t feel
the shame that
swallows you whole.

to them,
you are just
too much.
to you,
you are never
enough.
how it feels to be fat with anorexia and bulemia
maxx Dec 2024
envy is a strange thing
i scrolled through
the life of a boy
i had never known,
watched the love
pour over him
like flowers on a grave,
watched the silence
turn to screams
of “i miss you”
& “why did you leave?”

& i thought,
what would they say
about me?
would their silence
finally break?
would their love
finally bloom?

but then i realized—
he is not here
to feel it,
to hear it,
to carry it.
& i—
i am still here.
& if i am still here,
there is still time
to teach them
how to love me
while i am alive.

—stay, even if the love feels quiet.
im learning to love being alive. but sometimes, i envy the dead
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