When you were younger,
did you used to draw the sun in the corner of the page like me?
Did you also believe that the world was once in black and white just like tv?
Were the thoughts in your head freely expressed,
just like the feelings you told
them you had.
At least you said......
Didn't you?
No, they never asked.....so you lied "I'm okay, I'm fine" instead.
A few years pass....
Was that when you realised that all that didn't matter?
Just like me.....
Was that around the time your not so perfect bubble popped, and your innocent childlike view started to shatter?

All i know is that it took
only one visit...
Shortly after that all i
could see was myself slitting.....
Not that it was planned
...of course

Was that me cutting without
even knowing the source....?
Of this sudden impulse.....
to hurt myself
Was that me....?
to then hurt myself again some more.

Do you want to know the
reason....Are you really sure?
Ask yourself again...
Because the more and more i dream
my dears
The more memories come back
attached with my fears.

This is me...
Drinking beer.  
To make sure i don't see clear. 
Will you forgive me Mom.? 
Staying indoors. 
No... I don't have any flaws. 
Taking "S*" 
Then drinking even more, you bet.
Will you forgive me Mom? 
Forgive me.? 
Please Forgive me for my Sins,
and all my Negative feelings. 
Please forgive me, for clearly i did not see. 
I sure as heck wasn't being me. 
Will you forgive me Mom.? 
For all the bad thing's that iv'e done.? 
Not like your "Goody Two-Shoes" Son.

It's time to un-***** this fantasized head 
of mine. wouldn't you say?
There isn't no one else to blame.
When through all the sunny days, all i see is rain.  
It's time that my higher self showed itself. 
Made an appearance.
wouldn't you say.? 
So show yourself.
Show me that i HAVEN'T been
left on the shelf
(again) 
HAVEN'T been left to fend for
my self. (again)
My own fault i know, but as i am talking to my higher-self What's my fault,
is also your fault.
Show me that i am praying for more
than just myself.

I can't say goodbye!!
I just can't bring myself to do it.
I don't know if i ever will be.
What little bits i have left of you are
All of me.
All i know.
And if i let you go, then i fear the stuff i will see.
I fear that i will be empty.
That i won't feel your courage and Hope guiding me.
I won't feel you next to me.

Don't you understand!
That withought you i am doomed
Standing in quicksand, with no help...
No way out.
However much i scream and shout.
So Please Forgive me Mum for keeping hold of you...
As just the thought of letting you go...
Letting go of my memories of you...
Are/is the last thing on this earth i would willingly do

It's about knowing yourself and having the courage to cope.
Letting things go,
while still holding on to hope.
"I just feel so tired".yawn.
Tired of what though?
I guess i don't know how to let go...
Can't let go...!
No.
I will try to never let you know.
I'm lying if i tell you "it's fine"..
Hands over my eyes...
(yeah, that will work)
"I'm okay"..."I'm okay for now"
"I'm fine".
Torn between the past and
the present but
I'm understood by neither.
I want the walls to stop closing
in on me...
Maby i don't want to see things clearer-
As chaos draws nearer....
Hands are pressed against my eyes with
What to fear, am i fine?
Am i fine?
I can still see though,
as i did the very first time.

In my own world id'e be made
out of playdo'h, and the
colour purple id'e be.
The place i can learn to be me,
start to be me...
I have something no one else has,
my inner light.
The colour purple i think id'e like.
yeah it shine's. And pretty ****
bright too, i might say.
I see it as a strength
after all it's a bit like this poem
it 'kinda' make's sense.

I can't say goodbye!!
I just can't bring myself to do it.
I don't know if i ever will be.
What little bits i have left of you are
All of me.
All i know.
And if i let you go, then i fear the stuff i will see.
I fear that i will be empty.
That i won't feel your courage and Hope guiding me.
I won't feel you next to me.

Don't you understand!
That without you i am doomed
Standing in quicksand, with no help...
No way out.
However much i scream and shout.
So Please Forgive me Mum for keeping hold of you...
As just the thought of letting you go...
Letting go of my memories of you...
Are/is the last thing on this earth i would willingly do.

MY "FRIENDS"
(Sponsored by - A conversation between Me,Myself and I)

I am better than this.
I am better than you.
Stop trying to keep sabotaging me.
If i go down then so do you.
Why do you struggle to see?
This....

"My friend this is life as you already know.
You know there is only so long you will be able to keep me at bay.
Only so long until i am free to say...
What i want!
What you can't!
Because of these F* morals you hold on
So tightly to.
But when you do let your guard down..then i
am free to do what you can't.
What you won't"

Stop..just please stop.

My soul has been destroyed,
For which my heart you toyed.
When i was happy you made me sad.
You could never be glad,
to have me the way i am!
In fact - you could not give a ****.
When we suffer in pain,you're not Sorry.

You fill my head with eternal worry!
In fact you make the Human Race,an unbearable disgrace.
Just set me free and leave me be.
To end this ****** misery!

And may you suffer in Hell,
for all your ****** Sins aswell

Well firstly let me congratulate you on getting this far...
For as long as i remember i never thought i would get where you are.
I am......
I will be......
That's unless this note is laying next to your corpse.
My dead corpse.......in a coffin maby?
Of course.
Well...i knew you would be there...
I for-saw.
I have a seeing eye.
I knew you'd already be gone.

-But just incase I'm wrong....remember
your Morals & Hope is what has and will keep you strong-
#npmfuture.

Was i once the apple of my daddy's eye?
I doubt it, by how quick/easily he said "Bye,bye"
Do i often ask myself "how could he"? and "Oh why"?
"You betcha" she say's bitterly with a sigh. They say the apple doesn't fall far from the tree...
But also the wicked witch said "Here is a nice juicy apple my dear, have it for free".
Well apparently nothing is free in this life.
There is alway's something someone's after.
Thus ending this chapter of the story that didn't end happily ever after.

Which position this time, who knows.
Who knows.....
Do you know?
Babe...You push me onto the
bed and move in behind me.
Pushing your pulsating "Shapes"
against my behind.

Teasing me....

Tempting me....

Making me....ting-alleeee...

Now...
You push harder against me....
To make me know how much you
want me.
You wrap one arm around
under my neck...
shoving your fingers into my mouth.
With your other hand you grab
firmly on my ***.

Your breathing is heavier now...
My darling...
There is trembling when your moving..
I can always feel it when your
nearly there..
Which you and i both love to
hear so we share.
With each other vocally of course....

This is just number 2 of my fave positions of *******.

All it takes is that one small thing,
that can bring you back down to earth.
To suddenly start thinking what your
life has been worth.
Did you achieve many of your goals?
Any of your plan's in life?
Or don't you think your even
on the right path?
Yet again you hear yourself say...
"WHY ME"
As you hit ******* this world called reality.

I try and convince myself it's fine. 
The problems ain't getting any bigger. 
Who are you trying to kidd.
You kidder.
You've got your finger pressed on the trigger. 
I'm the one holding the gun.? 
Go figure. 
As if you didn't already know. 
I could see the cracks beginning to show. 
You know there won't be nothing left soon. 
I presume. 
Nothing but your doom.

I just don't get it.
Don't think i ever will.
Sick of going over the same ****.
In my head that is...
Most thing's i have forgiven,
Many thing's i have forgotten.
But you don't really care.
I know this by now, yeah...
(i convince myself)
i don't let it get me down,
For you i will never frown,
or will let you see my smile upside down.
can you see the "*******" in my smile Today?..

Blow..blow..blow
And a bottle of ***...
God i love to swallow your ***.
Deep..deep..deep to the back
of my throat...
Hope to god you make me choke.
Then you start to moan and whine...
I must admit it tastes sublime.
I love to shove it....
Shove it deep.
I love it when your knees go weak....
Babe....
Shove your **** as far as it goes....
Right until "there she blows"

There is a man whose last name is Johnson...
who made a lot of promises...
but then he broke em...
by doing quite the opposite,
so one day he got his just desserts...
carries his ***** around now in his pocket.
Everyone laughs at that man...first name Boris
saying he got/will get what he desserves.

Said he'd lie down to stop those bulldozers....
"So lie down now C*. just make sure
its in front of em"
Said he'd 'eradicate' people having to sleep rough...
Which then rose by 130%
This poor excuse for a mop......
head is filled with nonsense.

Over & over he'd denied having plans to
cut down on fire engines....
then removed 27....
and closed 10 stations...
All done by that man whose now
on 'friendly fire'
Promise breaking....
Mop-head shaking...
Been in Trumps training......as his 'Joey'
from the very start.
Yes, here's another big fat Phoneeey.
'Operation ****' sadly failed...and
Trumps B.J continues to fail.....
us.

If i didn't say goodbye,
it wouldn't bè real. 
I couldn't say goodbye,
because for me it would never be real. 

11 years later and still its not real. 
But missing you dearly. 
That's real. 
Thinking of you every day that's real. 
I found and picked up a Penny today. 
Was that you sending luck my way?

What is happening to me?
I can hardly remember you anymore. 
'Heck' i can just barely remember me,
or what day/month/even year it may be. 

Even though your gone, i want to get to know you.
See if you were like me.
As i waved to a magpie, 3rd one this month. 
I can't help but wonder. Yet again, as i shudder. 
Then it start's to rain and thunder.
I smile... 
Stealing my thought's.

Where was i..? 
Oh yes.. Rain&thunder Then i shudder. 
Deja-vu as i wonder. 
Tryin to remember, just as i forget.
More and more as i do.

Even my closest memories 
My memories of you. ***