Breathe.
Close your eyes, feel the sun on your face, and breathe.
Close your eyes, feel the sun on your face,
listen to the rustle of leaves, and breathe.
Close your eyes, feel the sun on your face,
take in the scent of dew-coated grass and bright blossoms,
and breathe.
Now open your eyes,
look around;
It's a beautiful view, is it not?
The sun filtering through the leaves,
bright and green;
the blue jays swooping over your head,
streaks of blue and gray and black;
the fresh lilacs, roses, tulips, and peonies,
sweet-smelling rainbow;
Look up:
there's a real rainbow, left behind
by the clear, clean rain that just passed by.
This is a beautiful world,
keep it that way, please
Keep this world beautiful.

It feels good
To be free of the burden of sadness,
Even if it’s only for a short time.
It feels good to breathe, to see, to listen
It feels good to live and be whole
It feels good to walk
On feet that are light and quick,
No longer burdened by achy fatigue
It feels good to smile,
And know that it is genuine.
It feels good to be alive,
And happy.

Crash
Over me
This wave of emotions
Comes to crash
Over me
Comes to drown me in tears and screams
And the fear of insanity
All around me the people, they scurry
All around me, they move around me
They might as well go right through me
I’m not here, don’t you know?
I don’t exist, don’t you know?
Am I real? I’m not sure
It’s confusing to think about
Why I am and what I’ll be
Whowhatwhenwherewhyhow
It all spins around so I can’t sleep
When I do sleep, the conflicts chase me
I see in technicolor
A kiss from my love
And a love letter from a gay
Gay boys don’t write love letters to straight girls
A confusion, sparkling prom dress
Left in shreds behind my closet door
What’s happened? I don’t know why
My silver shoes are turned red
Why are my nails crusted with red?
Wake up, sleep again
Wake up again, now sleep
Alarm bleeps, but I’m not awake
**** it all, I’m not awake
Fix a smile to my face
Tell the world I’m okay
Then yearn for the end of a long day
Inhale the breath of my love
He distracts me from
The tidal wave looming over my head
The faces under the water titter
As I kiss him hard, he kisses harder,
Heart rates speed up in sync
And around us, the noises try to send me
Scurrying under a desk, into a corner
Quick, hide under your jacket!
And when I look into his eyes,
Those warm brown eyes,
I see his fear and it scares me
It’s good to know someone cares,
But I hate to cause him pain
The look in his eyes as
he gently pulls me out from under the desk:
Concern, fear, a swirl of stress and anxiety
I don’t want to be the cause of someone else’s anxiety
Yes, it’s nice to be loved
But it hurts to know that my emotions cause them pain
These emotions which I cannot control,
These impulses to eat and eat
To bang my fist, then my head, against the wall
Standing in the shower,
Burning hot water,
I look up into the spray
I see myself with lungs full of water
Gasp, pull away, squeeze my eyes shut
Open them again, there’s the silver cord
The link between the main showerhead and the detachable one
The loops glitters
See it hanging around my neck
God, oh, god, why do I see this?
I do not wish for death, I fear it
So why do these visions come to me?

There’s a name for this, all of this
This insanity which is mine
The first word is borderline.
*(Borderline Personality Disorder)

My nose is above the water,
My lips just below
The waves sweep over my head
And I struggle to breathe
I’m trying to survive here,
Trying to stay afloat
But it’s hard to stay bouyant
When I’ve become so numb and cold
Just above me, I can see a fogged-over sun
I wish it would shine, clear and free
I wish it could spread its blanket of rays across me
Warm blanket of gold thread
Let me sleep here, warm
A wave sweeps over my head
I’m drowning again
I can’t sleep here, it’s much to cold
The only way I can close my eyes
Is if I let myself die
But there across the sea
My love is waiting for me
He sits on an island, toes in the waves
He’s waiting there for me
My limbs are weak, my heart is giving in
But, **** it all, I will still swim
I will keep fighting these arctic waves
Until I have finally reached my love,
And I can be warm with him again.

She’s drowning.
She won’t believe you,
So don’t bother telling her;
She ‘s drowning
Sinking into the dark water
The cold slowly steals
The warmth of her soul
The darkness slowly devours
Pieces of her heart
Don’t tell her,
Because she won’t believe you
when you tell her that’s she’s drowning
She’ll just keep sinking down
Until she hits the bottom
And gives in.

Take me back
to the fair,
To the magic and joy
Take me back
To pink swirls of candy cotton
And fresh-squeezed lemonade
Take me back
To giant teddy bears
And dusty neon balloons
Take me back
To the top of the Ferris wheel
And the top of the world
Take me back
To carefree happiness,
This old surreal world.

It’s inevitable,
Undeniable:
I am shrinking, fading, falling away
Reality moves farther from my grasp
Every day
I can’t help but feel
Disconnected
Is this depression? Is it anxiety?
Is it an ailment that has caught me by surprise?
I cannot say that I know
What it is that’s wrong with me
But it is odd, and frightening,
This week I’m fine and calm and okay,
Next week I’m a bouncing ball of buzzing anxiety;
Watch out! I might zap you with this electric energy
That has filled me to the brim
I don’t want to name disorders anymore
Because I tend to falsely diagnose
But I need to figure this out
I have to figure this out
I have to learn the name of my enemy
Before it squashes me completely
And wipes me off the face of existence.

When I was a kid,
The world was a sparkling diamond,
And I was fascinated by the iridescent sparkles.
Then I grew up,
And everything shattered.

Like a typical teenage cliche,
my emotions simmer under my skin
surge through my veins
scream for release
I'm begging for release
I am FRAGILE
Handle me with care
If you drop me I might explode
Into a million pieces of
a once-whole girl.
*Not so whole anymore

Don't.
Please, don't.
Don't let yourself cry.
Don't let the tears fall
when there are people watching.
You may be invisible to them,
but if you cry, they will notice
And remember you for being weak.
So don't cry,
don't.
Please, don't.
Just wait for the shadows,
wait for the solitude,
wait until you are alone
to cry.

Hold me, shield me
I am scared of the
Darkness that is creeping close;
Every night it moves closer.

Shh! Don’t tell!
I am melancholy
As the day weighs down my brain
And I yearn to sleep, to forget
Shh! Don’t tell!
I’m still sad, do you see it?
I hide shadows just beneath my eyelids,
I hide tears behind my teeth
Shh! Don’t tell!
I still get so melancholy
Even though I thought the darkness was gone
But there will always be a shadow here, I suppose
Shh! Don’t tell!
Well, they wonder why I cut
They wonder why I don’t cry
Well, maybe I’d rather feel pain than die
And maybe it hurts too much to cry
Yes, I know, that makes no sense
But I’m clearly not quite right in the head
Don’t tell my soul, don’t tell my heart
Don’t tell them I still may fall apart
I’m not dying, I’m not giving up
I’m just a little melancholy
In the morning, I’ll be okay,
I hope.

Watch me drown
Slipping through the icy gray water,
Drifting down
I blow ethereal bubble out from between my lips
They shimmer in the moon’s shaky light
Shine bright like stars about to nova
Explode*
I tremble in this underwater surreality
Colors fade from my eyes
I can feel my fingertips turning blue
I can feel my lips losing their pink
I can feel the numb,
Creeping through my skin and
Burrowing into my bones
Reflex, inhale
Breathe in the water
Lungs full of water
I sink
My body shivers, shakes with the tremors
The terror of the death throes
I can see the shadow things
The ones who pushed me off the edge
They locked my arms behind me
and sent me spinning off the edge
To land in the moonlit water
With just a simple splash
They laugh as I sink, and pucker their lips
I feel them pressing against me,
Inhaling my soul
The icy numb surrounds my heart,
And then I am no more.

What are you hiding
Behind that mask?
What lurks behind your love-struck eyes,
What threatens to smash through you gentle facade?
What terrible beast is waiting to be unleashed?
Let it devour me, for I must feel every part of you.

I don’t know how
And I don’t know why
But what I do know
Makes me want to cry
It’s confusing, it’s frustrating,
It doesn’t make any sense
But it’s so right, so perfect;
Puzzle pieces fit together so nicely
I cannot deny this, the truest connection
The binding of souls
But why, someone tell me why
Why does it has to be so complicated?
Why must we be torn apart,
Clinging to fragile scraps of
“Hope to see you again,”
It’s frustrating,
But it makes sense
A true test of love, distance
Will prove that this is true
And smash it to the ground
And shatter a fantasy
In my heart, I feel it, I know:
This is not a fantasy, no
This will withstand even the greatest of distances
I know, I know.

This is a tale
Of two scarred souls
They found each other
While roaming the dark mists
And as they met each other’s eyes
They both felt the immediate demise
Of their loneliness
He was younger, but she didn’t care
She was older, he couldn’t help being a bit scared
He pulled from her the confidence
To confess his heart
They felt the connection
As their souls sent a whisper through to their hearts
Even with her doubts, she knew
He was different, this was different, he was hope
Even with his anger, he knew
He had to take this chance, she was his world, his obsession
They shared their hearts, traded trust
And fell into a deep, passionate love
But lingering on the horizon
An frightening obstacle;
Her age would pull them apart,
But they are desperate to hold on
She has faith,
Even as he quietly fears
They must both find the strength to persevere
They must both remember that
Even as distance wedges itself between them,
They will never truly be apart.

Hush, my love,
Please don’t cry;
I’m just as scared as you are
To say goodbye.

Fade away
into the next day
so the sun can warm your icy skin
so the light can revitalize you
so you can live to breathe
another day*
it's raining today
it's teardrops and gray
i can't breathe
when the sun is drowning in the raindrops
i drown in this puddle of tears
i fell down the rabbit hole,
i drank too much of the Drink Me
i shrank down, teeny-teeny-tiny
i'm drowing in my tears
i'm drowning, i can't be saved.*
"Wake up, child, wake up
'Tis naught but a dream, see,"
Aye, but my dreams reflect my soul.

Silence
settles,
smothering me
slowly,
so
I can't breathe;
Stars
fill my eyes
as silence
slowly
kills me
softly.

Tell me how - no, tell me why
The passage of time proceeds to fly
past my face so I can barely taste it
Taste the smoke of the harsh rubber against
burning asphalt
Each day flies by,
well, it's no wonder I'm stuck in the past
I can't keep up with
the growing speed of time
as it flies by
Infinity flying by
I can't move forward, I'm stuck here, slow
As the world races forward,
I still sit here, times forgotten,
The world forgets who I am.

How is it that I have kept this faith:
That this love here will not fade?
Oh, the innumerable ways;
Perhaps it is in the way
I lose a piece of my breath
When I meet you eyes, and you smile.
It may be in the way
I always get a thrill that shover through my chest
When your lips meet mine,
And hesitate to leave again.
Oh, it must be in the way
We are still so close even when we are so far,
Each of us never separated from the other’s thoughts.
Ah, yes, all doubts are beyond faded;
They are shattered,
Dissolved in the sunlight,
Barely a breath in the sky.
As I meet your eyes.
I can see for miles, immeasurable,
The incredible infinity of our love.

It's so frustrating
how all it takes
is three words
to make me want to cry
and pull a gray sheet over my blue sky;
"She killed herself."

Talking to strangers is odd...
Oddly refreshing.

It consumes you, devours you,
Makes you wonder if you’ll die
But when you are feeling it, oh,
You are never more alive.

Being away from you for so long
frightens me,
Because I have to figure out how to remind myself
that it wasn’t all a dream.

The ocean,
So calm just yesterday,
Is now roiling and gray, dark gray,
Almost ink-black
The waves stretch their tips towards the sky
Screaming “Why?!”
I feel it, they want to devour me.

it builds up again
it builds up again
It builds up again and it's about to explode
i've lost my mind again
i've lost my mind again
I've lost my mind and I don't know how I'm alive
i'm on the edge again
i'm on the edge again
I'm on the edge and I have one foot hanging off
can i fly?

I breathe you in,
Just breathe you in
Trying to freeze the moment
Because I never want to let go
It’s so hard to let go
So hard to walk away,
even if it’s just for a day
I need you,
Like oxygen for my heartbeat
I’m addicted to you,
And desperation is racing through my blood
I cannot let you go,
Not now for a few minutes,
Or in summer for a few years,
And certainly not ever forever
And it’s tearing me apart,
We were doomed from the start
Inseperable, but the chasm still grows
And we’re not allowed to cross it just yet
But I know,
I promise you and I know,
No distance will sever our hearts,
No torment will yank us apart,
Nothing will ever truly seperate us,
For we are the two halves of one single soul
And we need each other to survive
And now, right now,
Hold my hand oh-so-tightly
Hold me while you can
Because when the trees turn green
And the sun stains my skin,
There’s no way of knowing
When we’ll see each other again.

We are the hopeless
We are the lost
We are the ones who fight the hardest
Then fall and drown in our own blood
We are the ones with hearts made of steel
Icy cold and burning hot,
Either way, you can’t melt the part of us
That is dark

(Dark)
You cannot find us,
Because we are dark
(Dark)
You cannot save us,
Because we are dark
(Darkness is the air we breathe,
Darkess is a smothering sea)
We are all dark hearts,
And we feel nothing but this pain

When we walk, it is with heavy footsteps
When we talk, it is with
Voices barely there
We are the poor souls
Caught in the landslide
And no one can us scream
“Help me!”
And we give up our last breath and fade
Into the dark

(Dark)
You cannot find us,
Because we are dark
(Dark)
You cannot save us,
Because we are dark
(Darkness is the air we breathe,
Darkess is a smothering sea)
We are all dark hearts,
And we feel nothing but this pain

Don’t try to prove to us that there is love
Don’t show us a world that is absent of pain
Don’t try to tell us that we are okay
Don’t you understand,
We can’t take your hand
Because
The darkness is contagious
The darkness is contagious

(Dark)
You cannot find us,
Because we are dark
(Dark)
You cannot save us,
Because we are dark
(Darkness is the air we breathe,
Darkess is a smothering sea)
We are all dark hearts,
And we feel nothing but this pain

We feel nothing but this pain
Weighing us down
Tarnishing our souls
Don’t ever try to tell us that we
Are anything but
Dark.

This is a force
Which has shaken me to the core;
I am irreversibly changed by your love.

Fly away into
Luminous silver moonbeams
Under the crystal-studded sky
Teardrops drift by my head, I breathe and
Take it all in
Ephemeral, I fly away
Reminiscing under silver moonbeams

Oh! What is this,
What have you done to me?
It’s like I’m addicted
To the smell of you,
The feel of you,
Hands on my waist and your lips on mine;
And when I’m away,
Filled with the thought of you,
Longing pierces my chest
So that I cannot sleep
Without imagining you by my side
Holding me close and keeping me
Safe and warm in your arms;
It;s where I’d like to stay forever,
Safe and warm in your arms.

I am made up of fragments
Bits of memory stain my skin
And I can fade
Into the woodwork, silent wallflower
I have one foot stuck in the past,
And I don’t know how to get it out
Without twisting my ankle

Oh, like-minded soul,
Could you come
To take me home?
Oh, like-minded soul,
Please, take my hand and lead me home

It was so random,
I dont even know how
I spotted you through the fog of thoughts
You caught my eye, your skin tattooed with memories
Just like mine
I saw the shadow in your eyes
I couldn’t look away
I couldn’t turn away from you

Oh, like-minded soul,
Could you come
To take me home?
Oh, like-minded soul,
Please, take my hand and lead me
Home

I swear I see my own tearstains
Turning your skin blue
And I swear that those are my scars
Shining on your arms
And I might be looking in a mirror;
Those eyes match mine
Even though the color is off
Our souls are the same,
We feel the same odd heartbeat
So, like-minded soul,
Tell me, do you know way home?
Oh, like-minded soul,
Let’s go find the way home

Oh, like-minded soul,
Could you come
To take me home?
Oh, like-minded soul,
Please, take my hand and lead me home

Ooh, like-minded soul,
I’ve come to take you home
Oh, like-minded soul,
Take my hand, I’ll lead you home.

Surrealism clouds my brain
Covers up my eyes
Makes me see
More
Nothing is quite real right now
With movie clip memories
flitting through my mind
Brown eye
Blue shirt
Just a streak of red
I don’t even remember
What it is I said
I breathe, and create a frigid breeze
That sweeps through my veins
After whispering through my hair
I’m soaring high on
The song in my head
It’s not just in my ears,
It’s all around, to remind me I’m not dead
This beat boosts my step
And sets me apart
Im not in this real world
Where streets are lined with broken heart
I still feel, I’m still alive
I am trapped in this surreal state of mind
And it’s okay, oh, it’s okay
To cry blue paint tears
And abruptly explode into porcelain bits
Because I know I’ll just reform again
Dry-faced and smiling again
I can see my own smiling face,
But I don’t have a mirror
There’s something wrong with her eyes
But it’s too late to figure out
She’s disappeared, she’s shy
And all that’s left are the tears
That fell from the skies
I’m not here, I’m not real
Just let me believe that I’m not real
I will sit in this fantasy world
And I will cry away my pains
And once I’m free and dry-eyed again
I’ll shut down the beat,
I’ll enter reality again
But it will always be
**surreal.

see inside me
look into the ocean-green stained glass eyes
to find
what truly lies
at the core of me
is it darkness? or is it light?
is it gray, the middle in between
what is it that lies
at the core of me?

A sad house now,
A sad house appears to frown
It’s missing something,
Just like she’s missing something:
A piece of her heart.

What am I, what am I;
What is it that I want?
I want to breathe and weave words
Out of oxygen
Cast a spell to blast the expectations from your mind
You’ll see that I am a wordsmith, I build a world out of words
And I am spectacularly brilliant at my trade
But my words are lifeless
If i have no one to read them
So keep reading, dear reader,
Inhale the story to keep my words alive.

And, holding you, I forgot
I forgot the secrets of the night,
Dissolving in the morning light
Like dewdrops in the sun
The hidden dark things
vanished from my mind
As your kiss sent me whirling
They left barely even a shadow behind
Holding you, I forgot
That there were ever tears.

whisper in the night
dissolving into the silverlight
moonlight, hungry light
my whipsers dissolve just before
hitting your eardrums
to resonate into your brain
my whispers vanish unheard
so i let my thoughts vanish, out of sight.

Here I am, startled
by the silence of the night
Disturbed by the quiet
caused by lack of morning light
But it's peaceful, too,
the soft and quiet dark
The fog absorbs my dreams.

Heart-beat, heart-beat
Can you feel my
Heart-beat
Feel it pound against my rib cage
It wants out, it wants out
Feel how it wants to get out of my chest
Beating for who? Beating for you
Beating to tell you how much I love you
I’ve said it once and twice and
A million thousand times
But here I am, I ‘ll say it again:
**I
love
you.

I don’t think I have ever been so grateful
to have a secret come out.

Brush away the guilt
That I know is weighing you down;
You have set me free, you see
You have allowed me to live again.

It is your fear
which has saved my life;
That is the purpose of fear, I suppose:
It keeps a person safe
So that they may live another day,
and so that their soul mate
won’t be left alone and hollow
With no one left to fear for.

Remember the pain?
Remember the sadness?
Remember how
you wanted to die?
You thought you would die.
But something changed.
Someone came
into your life, promised to stay
And healed your heart
He completed the impossible task of healing you
But you were not completely fixed
You were better, but the cracks were still there
And you struggled silently, barely even telling him
You were still in pain, so much pain
But you knew you had to open up and tell him
You told him the truth, everything
You told yourself the truth, too
You couldn’t battle the demons alone
And when it all came down onto your head
You screamed and tried not to cry, you said
“I almost wish I could be dead!”
He was so scared, so scared of those words
You saw the fear glisten in his eyes
But you weren’t there to see him cry
As he made sure you wouldn’t say goodbye
He spoke the words you didn’t have the courage for
And the walls of the dark, cold box you were in
came crashing down around you
The sunlight blinded you, but you felt better
basking in its warmth
The pressure of the secret was gone from your chest
And when you saw him again,
After what he’d done, his fear was clear
Scared because he’d broken your trust
But you broke his, it was only fair
When you’re soul mates, pain is something you share
You promised him you were not mad,
In fact you were honestly quite glad
He saved you for the second time
And you felt an overwhelming gratitude
Because with him you knew there would be no more solitude.

I hate being a damsel in distress,
Lying on the railroad tracks
with a villian laughing behind me
I’ve always fought back
Tie him up instead,
let him squirm in the coral snake pit
I’ve never liked being saved,
Seen as fragile and weak,
Standing here with my pretty dress and rose-petal cheeks
No, I’m not fragile, I’m not weak
I prefer boots over slippers
Trousers over skirts
I’m not some poor, defenseless litte princess
I know how to weild a sword

But then my knight came along,
And while I’d still fight,
There were battles I could not win,
Not without him
And when I collapsed beneath the dragon’s feet,
My knight came
Weilding a sword of tear-stained steel,
The metal reinforced with soul mates’ heartstrings
And he was brave, slaying the dragon
Even as I tried to get back up on my feet and say “Nay!”
The great beast fell, and my knight turned to me
Eyes glimmering with fear
“I know you prefer to defend yourself,
But it looked like you needed me here;
I couldn’t just let him devour you.”
I stepped forward, booted feet suddenly light
And surprised him with a crushing hug.
“Thank you,” I said, “thank you.
I will owe you forever for this, my knight.”
He smiled at me, relief lighting his face, and replied
“All I need in return is you by my side.”
We sealed the promise with a kiss.

But that still doesn’t make me
A damsel in distress.
I’m a knight, too, just like him,
And we save each other.

Sharing words
face-to-face
is a surprisingly powerful act
Once I find my way past the barriers of my own reluctance
I find it's very relieving to speak my mind
And finally confess
that I
am not
okay.