you have planted yourself in my mind
in my thoughts
the little acts of kindness
that stop my heart
you have me feeling like a mess
your kiss, those hands touching me
i cannot stress
how i think of you and become a total mess

it's so emberrasing
in the most inconvenient moment i think of you
and i'm doing the most devilish things
im your scandalous fool

The sound of home isn’t an
ordinary sound.

It’s the sound you hear
when your laughing with
your family.
It’s the sound you hear
when a guitar plays
from the corner of your
ear.

The way his guitar strums
and makes me feel warm
Inside, like warm tea going
down your throat.

The feeling of home isn’t an
ordinary feeling.

It’s the goosebumps you get
as a leaf blows by you.
The colour orange as a
constant reminder of your
Childhood, like the rain that
drips from the grey skies.

I can not define home with
just words, but i can with
silence.

The pitter-patter of rain
immune to me to become
the silence.

No birds or grasshoppers
chirping, not even any sound
from the wild thieves with
striped tails wondering in
the night.

Only the sound of memories
repeating in my head.
And the images repeating to
bring a smile to my face.
To make me think to myself,
that’s my home and i’ll never
forget it.

smooth chapsticks to hide the biting scars on your lips
made by your anxious teeth
the red marks on your skin that are picked
by your anxious fingers
its hard for my conscious to just stop and sit
my thoughts running a million miles an hour
but i cant do anything
i dont have the power
i can try and go take a relaxing shower
there were i end up just sitting on the floor
her words echoing in my brain
calling me a *****

You went away
you didnt want to stay with me
Did i make it this way
or was it not meant to be

Oh I look out my window
see how the world moves.. on..
Guess life's bitter sweet.. like that huh?

I'm ******* done
I said it, i'm ******* done with you
Cause you wanted to run
and there was no stopping you

Oh no matter how it happened
I knew you would move.. on..
I just wasn't the one.. for you huh?

I can try
to forget your eyes
That day
they were telling lies
Your face
I could tell you didn't want me-didn't want me
I could tell

These words I will say
I will say till they come... true
Repeating everyday
just to feel like i'll live through the day

I am worth fighting for
I am worth the miles...the time...
When I love again
i'll be fine

im so dependant on my friends
there the only people that make me happy

when im alone
i just feel empty

a void

i put all there little notes and drawing around my room
so i can look around and smile

without them my room would feel discoloured and lonely

i wish all i needed was myself to feel content

I used to always think of you before I drifted off to sleep.
Most of the time I’d close my eyes and imagine my head on your chest.
If I concentrated enough
I could hear your heart beat in sync with mine,
like one body formed in two.

Although we are no more,
the thought of you holding me is the only thing that calms me enough to sleep.
I feel at peace. Tranquil.

And then when I dream,
I dream of what could’ve of been.
The memories we had
altered by I slight change.
Different things I could have done that might have kept you from leaving.
Different things I could have done to make you still love me.
To make you still look into my eyes till this day
like I was your whole world.
To make our kisses have that spark that they had in the beginning.

I dream about what our happy ending could have been,
and it feels so real.
I feel every touch.
Every kiss.
Every butterfly in my stomach.
I feel alive,
and happier than I ever.

And then I wake up.

i didn't know
something that felt like heavenly bliss
could leave such a bitter taste in your mouth

you told me you've hit a low
i would swim down to the depth of your mind
and save you
if you let me help you
no matter how deep
but it went south

it was a bitter taste

I just want to hold her.
Sit with her through the night, have her fall asleep in my arms.
Watch her drift off with no more pain.
The world finally off of her shoulders.

I wish I could be the one to extract the black ink that runs in her veins.
I wish she’d look at me the way I look at her,
consumed by beauty.
I wish she’d let me make her happy.

But she doesn’t look at me that way.
And she never will.

clear blue sky today
my mood has lifted

life has a nice fresh breeze to it
a happy gust of wind has been gifted to me
making me feel refreshed and alive

filling my lungs with cool air
helping me breath again

seasons are changing
new chapters are beginning

i feel my life has shifted
i no longer feel so conflicted

how does a person become so unfamiliar in minutes?
a body i used to know so well
still looking the same
but a face i've never known before
this person sitting just as close to me as always
to me is a stranger
i don't like being so close to strangers
i get this uncomfortable feeling
but he isn't one
i know this
yet i am uncomfortable
this aura and soul the connects with mine
this feeling in my heart of safety and comfort
now gone
like the face of your loved one has been blurred out
and you no longer know if it is them or not
like an infant being held by their parent then being given to be held by someone unfamiliar
and the baby weeps
how does a person become so unfamiliar in minutes?
can dark emotions transform you into someone else

why won't you bruise me
i bruise myself so easily

marks all down my legs
how little effort it would take

colour me up
oh baby
colour me

why do you look at me so gently
it should be intense with lust

eyes full of desire
whisper i love you
but you're a liar

i wish it was wrong
i wish you would make me cry

so that i could live on trusting
the world is disgusting

colour me up
oh baby
colour me

but you hold me like i'm precious
and treat me like your princess
not your mistress

and you did from the start
appreciating my heart
and loving every part

i'm so scared
my world is different
it's uncanny
you're not only teaching me to trust in love
but in people
most importantly
to trust my own happiness

i'm addicted to skin
and touch

addicted to the closeness
the complete acceptance
of my body and soul

i know that in that moment
i am enough
i know that in that moment
i am exciting
worth their time

i want it to last forever
cause when the clothes are on
we're no longer together
there is no connection
ever

just momentary passion
instinctual
but conditional

like a dandelion
you and i
the universe picked us up
and blew
so we said our goodbye's

flew away
you east
and i stayed

but i didnt get to fall to the ground and grow
i needed time till i could follow
and show
that im not hollow
i still have to wait till tomorrow

i wanna stay in the past
think about how we agreed
we would last

if only there was a spell i could cast
to keep me falling from the stem
live life like im in the past

but im falling down
life keeps moving
and the breeze keeps flowing

ill soon start growing

growing up

I knew it in the beginning
and i know it now
i hear our souls singing
they're calling out to each other
they're meant to be together

each life time we try and try
i don't know if i'll ever have the pleasure of growing old with you
maybe each lifetime we're meant to say goodbye
maybe you breaking me is what i need
to climb life's mountains with my bare feet

or maybe you are the mountain
and i must keep climbing
fighting
trying

i used to see what my future holds for me
i don't know where my career would take me
i don't know where i'd wanna travel and see
i only knew you and me
i still hold on to that future
it was the only thing that gave me comfort
it gave me ease
knowing if i was with you i'd be happy no matter what

what a fantasy

what a delusion

i'd need to learn necromancy to bring back the love you had for me

what a wonderful solution

I wont give up
No, not so quick

Ive been through so much
My hearts grown thick

Ill win you back
Just wait you'll see
Ill make you run right back to me

i miss
"i love you"
i miss
having someone near
to share my fears

what if
you held me
would that
be too much to bear
sit and stare instead

the world
is loud and
my ears
could use the rest
listen to your voice instead

distract me from myself

escape
we’re all just trying to escape

milky smoke entering our lungs
sensations of relief and worry-less fun

until

you sober up

and life

has never felt more dull

i still have the love letter

its pinned on my wall
hidden under drawings and photos

i still have that stupid caticorn stuffed animal
its laying behind my bookshelf

i never have the courage to throw anything from you away

they're just sitting there

picking up dust

forgetting
but never letting go

like my feelings for you

it's insanely quiet
i can have a peace of mind
anytime
whenever i so choose

i feel so much more supported
i no longer think that at life i'll lose

maybe it was just the weather
but i felt like i could never catch a breath
now it's so nice and cool
and i breath so much better

i'm thankful for my environment
because of it i'm healing at a faster rate
eating full meals
and finishing my plate

every inch of your heart
beating

blood
pumping

body intertwined with mine

every strand of your hair
thick and soft

all the way down to your chin
cute and scruffy

every wrinkle on your palm
wondering
caressing my soft skin

every little twinkle in your eyes
dreamy and consuming

every little giggle
in between our kisses

that leaves me just speechless

i can’t get enough of every little inch of you

I want to be safe
always in the arms of someone
or kept close by
held by the hand
guided with a hand on my back
and be told everything is ok
all the time

how foolish
how dependent

but i walk alone
always keep a distance
tell myself i'm happy
i'm great
i'm safe
hold my own

while the fear dances in my stomach
in my chest
tickling my throat
making my body ache

why don't i let myself go
why do i hold a wall inside
when all i want so badly
so excruciatingly badly is to connect
be taken care of
express that i need help
need love
need safety

will i be like this till im dead inside
or will i break down my wall and let my demons go

a familiar being
that i must have met before
one that my heart flutters for
the light that emits from inside
brightening up a room in an instant
a heart full of love just impossible to hide

a familiar soul my own must have crossed paths with
a soul so pure and kind
ones like those people call a myth
my heart calls for it
his laugh opened up my heart like a locksmith

this familiar feeling
this feeling of a home
like a foreshadow
for a home to be
this familiar being
loves me

take me and my darlin up into the sky
and lay our bodies side by side

bury our bones under the willow tree
the time he took me by my arm and and stood on one knee

cut off circulation in our bodies
for now the only thing flowing through our blood
is one another’s memories

Me and my lover
our souls will ascend into nothingness
space will devour our mind and body
and the earth will reuse our flesh as fertilizer

we will merge in one and rest for eternity
the comfort of each other’s warmth keeping us at peace forever

somewhere in between bliss and despair
i am stuck
i'm trying to get to paradise

i feel like i'm in an empty corridor
cold office building corridor
walking down
looking at every door to my left and right
trying to find paradise

doors to my left had writings that read
"Kalvin", "Halloween 2014", "12/15/2015"

doors to my right read
"Nemo pen holder", "whistler hotel hide & seek", "evening tea and apricot jam"

it smells like an old carpeted apartment building
they all have that same **** and cigarette smell

i keep walking and walking

the colours of the wallpaper agitating me
making me uneasy
it's that kind of light baby blue that you see in an old hospital or psych ward
i hate pastels

the lamps above flicker and buzz
and the corridor seems to get longer and longer
what if i never get to paradise?

each door has light illuminating from the cracks
door "Russian New Years" had all sorts of different coloured hue's coming from inside
muffled disco
Can't Get You out of My Head by Kylie Minogue playing
and shadows moving left and right can be seen from the bottom of the door

it's hard not to want to just keep visiting all these places
it's comforting
so warm
safe

but my happiness isn't in reliving my past
my happiness
my bliss
is a glossy dark blue door
blue door that i can't seem to find

i take a look around
the hallway
is a darker shade of blue
the lights aren't flickering
it's slowly gets warmer as i walk down the hallway
walls turn deeper and deeper into blue

i pick up my pace
i run down the hallway
i can see it
the door
my door
my bliss
at the very end of the hallway

i run faster
i'm sprinting
it's close
it's near i can see it ahead if i squint very hard
i'm close
but not there yet
still running in the hallway
between bliss and despair

throw my ego in a paper shredder
stick pins through my eardrums
you goblet of terror
take a bite out of my heart
let me feel my last pumps
the ****** of my existence
going out
in a
thump
my god you don't scare me
eat me
beat me
leave me
spit on me
i'm worthless **** to me too
not just to you

What do you see when you look at me?
Cause I see a little grain of sand lost in a sea.

This little grain of sand thats so small and tiny you can barely see it.
Floating in an infinite pool of blue,
being pushed by a faint current.

This grain of sand isnt like the rest,
its not laying at the bottom of a reef.
It has floated from shore to shore,
and has seen all sorts of fish.
Its floated in fresh water,
then in salt water.

But what if this faint current weakens,
and this grain of sand begins to sink deeper and deeper into the sea.
Where it begins to feel colder,
and then it becomes darker,
till the last ray of light begins to fade away.

This grain of sand is left floating in nothingness.
Feeling no current.
Seeing nothing but darkness.
Just sinking down to rock bottom.

So when I look at myself you know what I see?
I see a person that has potential.
A person that has been places and has seen things.
But a person that feels so small and insignificant that they think they dont mean much.

Just another grain of sand thats lost in a sea.

something in the air
he was gentle
all i can think about is that fine head of hair
he was gentle

his hand holding mine
it's held mine before
it must of
he was gentle

conversation wouldn't stop
the chemistry
it was natural
he was gentle

his lips felt addictive
remind me of my feelings from the past
it was magical
it was butterflies and giggles
snuggles
he was gentle

he gave his attention to me
worshipped my smile
he saw me
he was gentle

i let the world show me i'm not alone
i'm not crazy for my dreams
i'm not simple, and so isn't he
he was gentle

home
where is my home
is it where my mom makes me coffee
in the morn

hope
it comes and goes
when the moonlights shining on me
it goes away
and i'm cold

You
came in like a storm
shook me to my core
spun me around
and im yours

take me
along with you
i promise to be kind
gently calm the winds in your mind

if you let me
i know i'll be
a home
and hope
for you

It's been 7 years
when i try and remember my home
the same few memories repeating
i can't seem to remember what it sounded like
the way my brother played his guitar
and how it made me feel
or when he picked me up from school on his BMX bike
we were cooler than all the rest of them
getting into a car

sometimes i look up at the stars
and i imagine i'm looking up
at the Vancouver glittery night sky
or i take a deep breath of air
and the way it bites my throat
will bring me back to the mountains
the snowflakes pinching my cheeks and nose

I baked you cookies
so you'd think I could bake
they tasted like ****

When you compliment me
i make sure to
not seem to happy

I'd give you space
so you'd think that im secure
but i just get lonely


chorus:
I was broken
and im learning
that to want is okay

When you hold me
very slowly
missing pieces fall in place


I started to show you
that i can cry
and i didn't hide

I started to tell you
things that keep me up at night
you'd help me feel sane

chorus

I baked you cookies
so you'd think that i could bake
they tasted like ****

I baked you cookies
so you'd think that i could bake
you liked them anyways

oh forgive me father
for i have sinned

i let myelf fall again
my heart has been pinned

he who has hurt me
he who's light has dimmed

has breezed by me
like a cold wind

left my body all wobbly
as if its unlimbed

ever since i met this person
makes me wanna be the best version
of me
so happy to be with

when you wrap your arms around me
can't help but feel so happy that you found me
so happy to be with

this ferris wheel of life that's turning
sometimes i'm dizzy
but there's a heart burning
in me
so happy to be with

i'm not someone that needs saving
but when you're around i feel so amazing
don't you see
god i hope i'll be with
you

Bring me home
with your touch
your hand in mine

bring your sunshine onto my cold dead skin

bring me home
look into my eyes

i'm weak
you know i'll let you in

make me feel again
make me feel real again
and maybe then
i'll see your face instead of his

god how i miss
living in love
in bliss

maybe you won't walk away
maybe you'll be the one to finally
look into my eyes
and stay

but i'll do everything i can not to scare you
pretend like i don't need you

everyone knows i'm incapable of holding back
i just hope you like me back

i miss you
i miss the world through your eyes
i miss you before anger was lurking outside the bedroom
i miss your peace walking home from school down the lil green trail
i miss your excitement when school took you on walks to the ****
i miss you when life looked like illustrations in a children book
you're still there
i feel you around when i laugh
you'll always be there
but you're so small
sometimes i can't find you within myself
and i miss you

air is colder now
skin feels older now
but your face is a blur

by a busy street
lights that blind me
your car passed by me

and i, oh i
didnt feel a thing
and i, oh i
barely noticed it did a all

looked at my mirror
smudges and spots keep me from
seeing clearer, oh but

my hearts pounding and
i cant feel a thing
the noise is load - pretend
i dont notice it at all

leaves are falling down
still green
kinda like you and me
i'm the leaf still growing and you're the tree
that's already ******* sick of me
got rid of me

and i, oh i
didn't want to go
and i, oh i
pretend
i never grew with you at all -
at all v
at all -
at all ^

oh i got better things
my cuts don't sting too much
be grateful for the simpler things
the big things bleed you dry

I wanna hold his hand'
and feel how it fits mine perfectly.
I wanna look into his eyes,
and see my future.
I wanna hear his laugh,
like symphony of happiness.

But i'll never be able to comprehend that he feels the same.

I repeat to myself over and over that he likes me,
but instead of being able to grasp that informtion,
I am interrupted by butterflies and giggles.

I wanna hold his hand, look into his eyes, laugh with him and kiss him till I can prove to myself its all true.

crinkled blanket
softly grazing my skin
as i stretch out my legs
legs that ache from the marathons i run in my dreams
pure ecstasy
finding cold corners of the bed
pulling the blanket over your shoulder
feeling so warm
safe

the sky is grey ish blue
world brightening up slowly
birds exercising their voices for the day
all seen through the crevices of my blinds
the world is paused for just a moment
safe for a peaceful moment
from life
from my own self
when sadness is still sleeping
but joy is already warming up the kettle

nothing makes me feel more alive
than when i’m gliding through soft snow

zooming down the cold, icy mountain
you feel the breeze bite your cheeks
skiing in between fir and fresh pine trees

i turn my music on louder
forget about my surroundings
just me, my ski's, and the powder

being lifted back up by the gondola
oh the sights you can see
counting footprints in the snow
a bunny rabbit or three

turn your back and look down at the living, breathing city
lights that mingle surrounded by deep green
you forget whether you are looking up at the night sky
or down below
at the beautiful sight of Vancouver

let me in
let me be your sunshine

let me in
let me be your light

ill show you a world
where trees smell like fresh pine

believe me
its a beautiful sight

i'm learning that my loneliness swallows me
no matter how many wonderful things are happening
so many things im being shown that tell me i have hope
if i can't hold that hope and feel it with my hands
if it's not tangible or in my face for me to see
i'm swallowed whole
by my loneliness

i'm trying so hard right now
but why is it so hard in the first place
i don't want it to be hard every day

Lift
Lift another weight up on your shoulder girl
Sink
Sink down deeper into the ocean girl
and curl
curl your arms around your self
cause you only have yourself
you're a lone pearl
trapped in a clam shell
doors to heaven have slammed
so you're stuck in hell

Do you remember the time you met a girl from mars?
walking among humans,
you thought she was from the stars
gave you eyes and talked to you like no one else was in the room
you thought she kept you from your eternal doom
intriguing that you walked and talked like one and the same
we thought we were one and the same

at the end you were still missing something,
unsatisfied, in pain
your eternal doom came
you sent me back on a one way ticket to mars
back to the stars
but you see that is where i'm meant to be
and i might finally see
the people that are meant for me
are the ones that can roam free
not tied to the ground floor

soon i won't miss you anymore
so when your puppet strings finally tear and fall to the floor
and you can fly up and look and ask me for more

i won't be found
there is no man that will make me stay around

if i had a melody
it would have a tone that pulls you close
playful piano keys
bright green grass and dandelions
running on your bare toes
and feel a summer breeze
that's the melody that i want people to hear around me
the melody outside my mind

inside
it's not so bright
it's confusing and uneasy
bright red kite
flown in a thunderstorm
melody with no pattern or beat
you won't sit still in your seat

it'll make you wanna run
hide away to safety
back to bed
to turn it off

just turn it off

for gods sake just turn it off

and sleep

to finally hear your piano keys
and be at ease

everyday
everyday
morning
go on a morning stroll and turn on my music
to distract myself
go inside and clean
to distract myself
make specific lists in my head about everything stressful i've been putting off
then sit down
finally to work
but i can't do anything and just sit and try to keep distracting myself
my brain won't stop
thinking
feeding me doubts
my inner critic so critical of everything that it's best to just not move an inch
and then it builds in my chest
every hour that passes
i panic
i need to do something productive before i ruin my life like i always do
do something
do something
DO SOMETHING
then i cry
then i sob
then i heal
reassure myself everything will be ok
calm myself down
and sleep
night
everyday
everyday

Well its been a month
and ive given up
Ive got better things to look foreword to.

Ill get on that plane
gaze at the terrian
and slowly but surely carryforeword.

there are no words that can even begin to explain
the love i feel for you
its like a hurricane
strong winds that lift my body into the air
you make me feel like i can fly
every time you look at me
with that twinkle in your eye

that twinkle, that look, that gaze
it makes me feel all sorts of ways

like a tsunami,
big tenacious waves,
wash over me and drown me in your arms
where i feel your warmth
and know im safe

safe from anymore pain
without you im scared my heart wont take it
your love pumping in my heart
and coursing through my veins

this love thats inside me
it gives me strength
helps me keep my chin up high
no matter how many rocky roads i must walk by
id be able to walk them even if im blind
cause at the end of the day i know
if you are my destination
i'll be just fine

you are my forever,
forever ever

I I I
fall into you
I try try try
to keep myself cool
but you
you hold the sun
melt the frost of my skin

without a thought
you stole my heart
and my spirit sours to you

Let's go go go
across the earth
the day will fade
and darkness will come
but you
you hold the sun
your light
will shine the way

without a thought
you stole my heart
and my spirit sours to you

hey im back
putting words to complex emotions
if only their were enough words out there to describe how i feel
it's always so many things tied together
blue, excited, scared, hopeful, exhausted
all at once
ganging up on me
making me wanna laugh and sob
dance around to my favourite music or have a breakdown and cut my skin
how do i write something that's so chaotic
where do i begin
i don't even know how i've ever written anything
it's beyond me
im not talented enough to have written the things i have
it must have been influenced by some things i read or heard around me
it couldn't have been me
i'm an imposter
i'm not a writer
i'm just a girl
that's too emotional to function properly

I wanna breath
and feel my lungs
not giving out on me

I wanna speak
and have my words meet
a welcoming ear

that will listen
that will understand
that will smile
and take my hand
and off we go

I wanna walk
and trot along
not have my feet drag me

I wanna wake
and for once be happy
make my morning tea

I'm tired of not having someone to understand
if only I knew where you were
I could take your hand
and off we go

“hey”

just a simple word
but what does it mean?

after six months of silence
six excruciatingly depressing months
six month of self growth and perseverance
six months of never ending love and support from my friends

and then once that chapter in my life ended
and all is well
one lonely night you text me

“hey”

we’re you missing me
as the night sky fogged up your brain
and fished out your thoughts

was there some last words
that never slipped through your teeth
like the milky hue of smoke that seize’s your lungs
and escapes from your breath
to waltz with the cool breeze

what do you want from me?

what do you need?