You made me fear myself
You made me do things I would have never wanted to do
I told everyone so I could get a bit of relief from them think I was so cool
But it only made me want to cry for myself even more
I didn't know how bad this was till the cops showed up at my door with your name lingering on their tongues
Tainting the room with the essences of my fear mixed with my infatuation
It made a bittersweet fog for me to fumble through, a bittersweet unknowing fog
I didn't know how bad this was till they made me take my shirt and pants off to show them bruises in the shape of you
When they took off my ribbons stained with an ink held in vein
Showing your name, more permanent than a tattoo
The scars still haunt me, making me flinch every time I change
I didn't realize what this fear could do to me
Slowly letting the cops drag bits and pieces of you from me
The pieces that I held close to my heart
The pieces that had left tears and wounds on me
Not quite able to see what you, my fear of you had done
I was barely able to see how big of a mistake I made for you
I did all of this out of my fear of you
My fear making me think I loved you
Fear did this to me
Oh fear, it drives me
It drove me to this
My fear of you
It drove me to this
You drove me to this
Or maybe I feared not you, but no you
Oh the fear I have of you, Its so terrifying
terrifying myself that at my youngest of thirty, or at my oldest forty five
You'll come and get me
Get me and not let me go
I smell you surrounding me
The first three months it comforted me
Now it sends me into a panic
I can feel you slowly pulling away my innocence
So slow and thrilling at first
Harsh and cruel as it goes
Slowly realizing there is no more to pull away
No more innocence
Only raw ***** skin
***** skin, so fragile, it could tear away any moment
The pain you give me
Now received by your claws ripping down drawing blood I've never spoken of
Your teeth leaving scars only seen by me
Time like that left untold, they built a dam of stories
It has leaks and holes, threatening to break open
It has me threatening to tell about the three days in November when you did more to me than I ever wanted
You ignored my whimpers and pleads of no
You pushed me, Making me yours
Making me your two cent *****
I still fear waking in your house wanting to leave but my fear keeping me rooted to the spot
Your touch making me a puppet for your use
A rag doll for your pleasure
Fear is such a simple word but the way it drives us is a complicated *******
A ******* that won't let us out of this metaphorical car
How was my fear able to shape me into this whimpering being afraid of the dark
Afraid of my monster
Afraid of my monster that made me a woman before I was even ready to be a girl
I have an immense fear of you
Fear that I will never be able to shake you
That you will always be around that corner ready to get me
My fear drives my more recklessly than an alcoholic at happy hour
It drives me to think that I was the one who did wrong
It drives me to dark places
Places where my fear pushes
Pushes me to my inevitable demise
My demise sending me down to hell
Sending me to have an eternity with you taunting me
You have shaped me into something no one should ever have to be
I throw myself into trying to forget you only to receive more shame
The shame of waking up tangled in sheets not able to find my shoes
You created me
I am afraid of a two headed monster
This monster is you and the me you created
I fear you
I fear no you
I fear having you
There is no balance to my insanity for you
The insanity you inspired
I am being driven by a simple emotion, turned oh so complicated
I am being driven and I can’t get out of this metaphorical car
I can’t get you out of my head

You
Are
The
Hurricane
That
Finally
Broke
Everything
About
Me

I'm tired of this game,
This late night game,
I don't want to play --
I know I shouldn't play.
But you make me feel
Like I'm being looked at,
Not laughed at, like I'm
Beautiful, **** for the
First time in forever.
I don't want to play,
Yet I keep initiating it.
I want to be the one you
Hold in your heart, but
I'm the pictures on your
Phone, and it sure as hell
Isn't me you're holding.

He’s standing
He stands so poetic
He stands by a tree
He stands strong
He stands weak
I start falling
I fall to my knees
I fall to the ground
I fall from the weight of my infatuation
I fall thinking of you
I am breaking my back
I break my back
I break my back trying to not think of you
I break my back under the weight of this
I break my back trying to not think of this
I can’t admit this
But I can’t just omit these feelings
You see I have only your name
I have not your feelings
Your emotions
Your fears
Your love
You only know my name
You do not have anything of me
You don’t want me

Docter Pepper
- Barbie marathons
- Micro-wave Pizza's
- The cold ravioli you hated
That unfinnished basement was like a home...
- The crawl space under your bed
- The sims
- Doctor Phil
- Mansy ***** bands
- Plans for Highschool
     - And Warped Tour
Crying was okay...
- Pepsi
- Locking me out of my I-pod
-Sharing weird two A.M. thoughts
- Panic attacks
- Dumb boys
And I bet gullible is still on the celling.

*Remember that moment when everything was perfect?

sometimes i feel as though
my mind was set
to self destruct,
and i just cant seem
to find the switch
to make it stop.
maybe that's because
it's buried beneath
the very thoughts
that set it off.

4 october 2015*

Inhale.
I hold the smoke in my lungs.
One. Two. Three. Just as you taught me.
To think;
I’ve never even thought about a cigarette
untill I met you.
The januari night is piercing cold,
my hands tremble as I bury my head in them.
The moon turns my pale skin blue.
Exhale.

Listen,
I am not crazy,
though two strangers are not meant
to yearn like we do.
I do.

Listen,
maybe I am crazy,
though I have never been before,
not;
untill I met you.

Inhale.
I know you are drunk right now,
or leaned over a toilet lid
with rolled up money between your fingers.
So I am not in my bed,
but here,
with a cigarette between mine.
Exhale.

so ******* fractured
bloodshot eyes
casual lies
i'm okay, i'm okay
i'm fine i say
no one cares enough to notice
the marks on my wrists
the drawings in my sketch book
the title of my playlist
if my tears pool on the ground
and leak under my door
will you see
does anyone see
what my own thoughts do to me
i'm so **** unstable
so irreparable
it's a shame that i'm wasting all this oxygen
thought of cutting myself off today
but i'm so scared i always end up stoppin'
i wear black because i'm mo(u)rning
and hoping i won't see another
don't give me empty words of comfort
don't give me a warning
give me ******* medication
i sit with some copers
drinkers and dopers
oh how it ***** to be the first to come to
when they're still smokin' and drinkin'
and my thoughts are so blue
so i go straight back
breathing in anything i can
to escape the world
my head
my ******* head
for a few moments
before i come back
come to
and cry
like i am now
i dig at my skin
trying to reach something within
dark or light
anything to make me feel alright
stopping just before there's blood
because i'm already seein' red
i don't deserve tomorrow
only my ****** up yesterdays
make a new plan to carry out
i stumble and shake with regret for what i can't do
so ******* fractured
bloodshot eyes
casual lies
i'm okay, i'm okay
i'm fine i say
no one cares enough to notice
so i continue to medicate myself
melting brain cells
taking in all the smells