You scream urgency
Like an accident and emergency
waiting room,
like a person relapsing into addiction,
Because they pushed themselves
too soon.
And there are claw marks in the soil,
Where you've tried to get to grips,
with solid ground,
There's a danger in your voice,
Like a lost child waiting to be found,
And you string sentences at a time
but no sound emits.
Danger, like,
Racing cars and frightened cries,
And there are holes in your back,
Formed by the lies,
You've been subjected too
And i wonder if i could use them
To breath life back into you.
I wonder if i get close enough,
If i could see,
The dreams and memories,
Before they turned stale
And congealed in your veins,
And left you entangled in the remains.
The valleys of your eyes,
Run wide and down deep,
And when you weep,
Your tears fall heavier,
Than a ten tonne van,
You're a shadow of the man,
You used to be,
And even your shadow,
Has deserted you,
Sought someone anew.
And your foundations
Are built on heartache and pain,
And those little tear ducts in your eyes,
Constantly rain,
But you you're in a draught,
All the love you've showered others in
Means you've ran out,
for yourself,
And your health is a picture
Of cigarettes and late night drinks,
Old whiskey, poured down sinks,
And you're reaching the brink,
The breaking point,
But you quite like the sound,
Of broken plates,
And you quite like the taste,
Of self destruction.
And there's a ghost,
Where you used to be,
Haunting the curves
Of your smile,
That you paint on,
Why you defile
Your skin,
This terror your living in,
Could start a thousand wars,
And this battle your fighting,
Inside of your mind,
Leaves a carcus, a morsel,
Of yourself behind.
Your insides stick to the past,
Like double sided cello tape,
And there are windchimes in your spine,
Where your bones should be,
And your heart on your sleeve,
Is clouded,
By red marks where you've sliced open your skin,
In at attempt to be free,
Of those demons, the sin,
For a new beginning.
There's toxic in your lungs,
And a noose around your neck,
Where you've hung your expectations
Too high,
And you're hanging by a thread,
And tying knots the further down you slip,
As you sip,
Another shot of courage.
But there's only so long,
One can hold on for,
And believe me I've been down
To the depths of hell and danced with the devil
On many occasions,
And the sheer frustration,
Of the attempts to be patient,
Are wearing thin,
Like the warm skin, that stretches,
Over your protruding bones.

There are a million and one,
rainstorms, tucked neatly into those tearducts
enveloped in those beautiful eyes of yours,
didn't anyone ever tell you, love,
its okay to cry.
So let those rainstorms fall,
lace your cheeks and tumble gently over your pursed lips.
There's beauty in the break down,
There's beauty in this,
Moment of vulnerability,
Unfamiliarity,
And there will be clarity,
Once your storms have been exhausted,
And the sun will rise again,
In those eyes.
So darling sit and pull yourself close,
Let those liquid droplets,
Drown you in your clothes,
For i promise you will float.
Pull your knees in tight,
Cuddle up in your own embrace,
And allow those weighty storms,
To trickle down your face.
Feel free to whimper and maybe ask why,
Sweetheart, its perfectly okay to be hurt, be vulnerable, to cry.

Every morning I wake up,
I lose you all over again.

How many times do I have to let you go?

In the summer,
Embers of sunshine,
dance in the pupils of your eyes
As you wave your goodbyes,
To those cries,
Those April showers,
That have held you in their powers
For so long.

In the summer,
You open our arms to each day,
As you watch the old decay,
and lay
In the creases of your past,
Grounded on soft grass.

In the summer,
You shimmer and fly high,
With each laugh
that tumbles across you lips,
Each movement of your hips.

In the summer,
Flickers of hope,
elope,
at the curves of your smile,
Like ice cold, lemon juice,
You are glowing, glittering,
Reveling in your youth.

In the summer,
You are shards of blooming flowers,
Peacefully scattered between hours,
spent, laying content,
In your skin.

In the summer,
You are a work of art,
Handed down through the
passages of time
You sparkle and shine,
and the moon does not confine,
Such beauty.

In the summer,
Stars fizzle on your tongue,
as you sing a song,
that reminds you of long ago,
And in the summer
You plant cherry trees,
Serenity.

In the summer,
You lay contently for hours,
and the present it sours,
As grey skies,
Blanketed with reality,
Set upon you and me.
Whilst in the summer you are free,
Every victory,
has its losses,
And every summer
must become history.

So the sun may set
In the pupils of your eyes,
And those goodbyes you waved to your cries,
May resurface,
but the furnace inside of you,
Blazes so bright,
You don't need the sunlight,
To ignite the fight,
That lays dormant in your veins,
so as you lay in the remains and
Seeds of doubt become rife,
As you battle with lifes strife,
Never forget
That there'll always be tomorrow,
So don't you dare,
sit in sorrow, or shed a tear,
face your days with dear,
Because as soon as one summer is gone,
Another is near.

So the flower beds we laid upon
May become rotten,
And that laugh of yours may be forgotten,
But for what its worth, my love,
The memories we lovingly crafted,
like sand castles by the sea,
Will forever spend their days,
Washing upon the shore,
That is me.

Every time she leaves
My heart grieves
A little more

Sometimes I feel a little lost,
inside my body, my mind,
like someone's stole the map,
and tore down the road signs,
like I'm living with a stranger,
and there's no thrilling sense of danger,
just sheer fear,
when i pull myself close,
and discover I'm nowhere near.

Mesmerised, I look into your eyes,
a cold wind, as we begin
Our journey, t'ward Eternity.
My hand waiting for yours,
the stars, they soar.
We are floating above Mountains,
drinking from Fountains,
sipping from the elixir of life.

My eyes open,
the token of your love, in my left hand, a Ring.
The future it promised to bring.

Once more I am alone,
i no longer own, this moment.

The leaves they dance, as our romance,
leaves behind Morsels.
A shell remains,
engulfed in flames,
a furnace of Self Blame,
i take the plunge.
And i walk, i eat
our Memories, Plans
your Final Goodbye
your Wants, Demands.
The marching band drums
beat in time with my Tortured soul,
we were Supposed to grow old.
I pick up the fork and force down Guilt,
upon the foundations we built,
cemented together by loves haze.

Worlds at a time, I combine,
Mine and Yours,
Unopened doors.

The house we never furnished,
the walk we never took,
the book that was never written,
Our story unfinished,
Your life Diminished.

I sit, take a sip of my tea,
it doesn't taste the same.
The razors don't take away the pain,
of hearing Your Name.

You scream urgency like an accident and emergency waiting room, like a person relapsing into addiction, because they pushed themselves too soon.
And there are claw marks in the soil, where you've tried to get to grips, with your inner turmoil.
And there's a danger in your voice, like a lost child waiting to be found, and you string sentences at a time but no sound, emits. As you sit in fits, of hysterics.
Danger, like racing cars and frightened cries, and there are holes in your back, formed by the lies, you've been subjected too. And i wonder if i could use them to carefully breathe, life back into you.
The life that you seem to have let slip through your finger tips, like dry sand, and there are wants and demands, taped to the pupils of your eyes, and i wonder if i get close enough, if i could see, if i could prize, them open.
The dreams and memories, before they turned stale and congealed in your veins, before they curled up and died, and left you entangled, in the remains.
And the valleys of your eyes, run wide and down deep, and when you weep, your tears fall heavier, than a ten tonne van, falling from unreachable heights.
And there are marks on your body, where you've lost the fights, the sleepless nights, with yourself. And you're a shadow of the man, you used to be, and even your shadow, has sought someone anew.
And your foundations are built on heartache and pain, and those little tear ducts in your eyes, they constantly rain. torrential down pours.
And there is hopelessness, embedded deep within your pours and despite the ongoing rain, you,you're in a draught, all the love you've showered others in means you've ran out, for yourself.
And your health, is a picture of cigarettes and late night drinks, old whiskey, poured down sinks.
And you're reaching the brink, the breaking point. But you quite like the sound, of broken plates and you greet with haste, the familiar taste of self destruction.
And there's a ghost, where you used to be, haunting the curves of  your smile, watching you all the while, as you destroy and defile, the cold skin, that stretches over your protruding bones.
This terror your living in, lures the wolves home, could start a thousand wars, and this battle your fighting, these revolving doors, inside of your mind, leave a carcus, a morsel, a shell, of yourself behind.
And your insides stick to the past, like double sided cello tape, and there are windchimes in your spine, counting down the time you wait, for freedom to meet you with open arms, and your arms, paint a picture of self harm, in bright red pen, and the ringing of alarms is renewed again and again.
And your heart on your sleeve, is clouded, and weaved, between fragile pastel pink scars, and the hesitation in your voice, jars any conversation, and you scream in frustration as we express your complications.
And you, you wish desperately, that you could be free, of those demons, the sin, for a new beginning.
And there's toxic in your lungs, and a noose around your neck,where you've hung your expectations too high,
And you're hanging by a thread, and the further you slip, the more knots you tie, in an attempt to buy time,
And you drink down each crime against yourself, with another bottle of wine, as you search and unwind, the mazes within your mind.
And you can see in the way you carry your frame, that you've been to the depths of hell and danced with the devil in vain, on many occasions,
And your eyes they tell tales wanders, of liquid sedation, as you squeeze into a nation, too small, too handle, too inexperienced, too dismantle, the train wreck, you see, every time you look intensely, at your reflection,
And your recollections of your past, are like shards of sharp glass,scattered between the seams of your life, and you, you batter the strife, with drug filled bombs, painful tongues and licks, of the kicks, you deny to be true, as you continue to fall through, reality in a clarity, smeared with drunken violence, and ear piercing silence.

In the depths of darkness
Her love shines through.

And when I am cold, my hopes and dreams frozen
She builds small fires in my soul.

I know if I was falling,
From unthinkable heights
That she would be there
With rope and open arms
Building a safety net
Below.
I know because
She does
Every single time.

There are days that
I feel certain that there is no one
In the world who gets me
And then she captures me
And everything I am
In the tone of her voice,
The strands of her hair,
The pupils of her eyes,
Her soft touch,
Her warm embrace.

She is right there
Cheering me on.

The world is unaware that the
Definition of compassion, loyalty,
Patience, understanding
Unconditional love, eternal beauty
Is her.

I love her more than
A tangled mesh of nouns, adverbs,
Letters crammed in spaces could ever articulate.

I owe her
So when she sees darkness
I shall show her light
When she feels cold and her
Hopes and dreams become a little frosty
I will be there with my matches
Ready to thaw them
I will be there with rope and nets
And my arms as wide as they could ever open.

I shall endeavour to never let her fall
But if ever she slips between my fingers
I shall catch her
Softly, safely, securely.

She is everything
And I will never let her
Doubt or forget
It
Anything she needs
I shall strive to provide
It is entrenched deep within my heart
To ensure
She never wants for more.

You plucked the words "our little secret"
From your lips
And shoved them between mine
With such force
That I choked on them
For years
Until eventually
I spat them out
On your grave.

She shows me oceans
Where the desert lays

The silence of losing you
Is deafening.

The more I try to forget, the more I remember.

Nothing will ever take away the feeling of your heart in my hands.

I will never stop fighting to find the sunshine in my veins.

Just the sound of your voice
Causes the corners of my lips
To rejoice
Upwards.

The clocks came to a halt
As our conversation cracked and fizzled out,
And there was no longer a need
To scream and shout
Because with our arms wrapped the enemy
Of our lover, one another,
We were once again complete.
But you were never willing to accept defeat.
The silence became intoxicating
As it seeped through, caressing the entire room
And fed up with the waiting,
Done with all the slating,
You got up and left
All too soon.
And our only goodbye was the mixture
Of our scents,
Your whiskey breath and my stale cigerettes.
That danced in the air.
The fire inside of me began to smoulder
And the devil on my shoulder
Lay down at rest.
The night grew colder
As day drew through the blinds
And reality burst through, in dark colours, amongst the leaves
And the gentle breeze from the window
Awoke me to its short sharp scratch.
As I came to realise
You were never hear
And really it's been three years
And  I'd spent the night showering myself in my tears
And grieving a loss that
Had been and gone
Many years ago.
The clocks started ticking again
As I accepted the reality
And the formality it came with.
As I dressed for work,
I buried all of the confusion
Anguish, pain and hurt
Under bright red lipstick.
Your favourite colour.
And though I knew what I knew
Before I left
I still turned and waved goodbye to you.
Our memories crammed inbetween frames
On the Mantel piece,
They say coping gets easier
Of those deceased
Tho I have my reasons to question
Such ideation.
It's been three years,
And the house is still the same
Everything is similar
Except now I'm classed as clinically insane.
I guess you could say,
Your death, tore open and apart
My cell membranes,
Leaving room only,
For damaging remains.


And the job I'd got up and dressed for
And the night id stayed up and present in
Wishing, to see you once more
Were both fantasies,
Dreams I'd formed
Tho I wasn't dreaming
And my my mind is screaming
For you to not be gone
And it will never stop
Until we are at peace as one.
So the sun may shine
And the clouds may break
But me, I will spend the day,
Laying under our duvet
Wrapped in yesterday's memories
Of you and I
And I will sit and cry and wait
For fantasy to overtake reality
Because its hard to understand
When the two are so blurred
That I have no clue
If I can do or undo something that's happened
When there's no pattern
Just confusion.
Evolution of a broken mind.
And if I dig deep enough
Consolidation in you I find.
Despite the constant reminders
That you're gone,
Baby I'm still holding on.

She pinned me to the wall
Breath heavy, legs a p a r t
Like the most beautiful canvas
Begging for art.

And when it rains
it pours
in that little mind of yours.
So you take your thoughts
and hang them out to dry
in the form of a poem.

When she touches me,
It is not just my skin she scathes,
It is my soul.

Emptiness
Tucked inside
The gaping holes of
your shattered
Rib cage,
Where your heart used to lay.
And you find yourself
Cramming
Each broken piece of you
Into their old tshirt
In the hope that it can hold
You together.

How do you manage to transform
A tsunami like me
Into tranquil waters.

Every time we say goodbye
I'm terrified
It'll be for the last time

And in my words
and the depths of my poetry,
i begin to unravel,
the real me.

I find myself in pieces
Scattered across
Beautiful landscapes
Cities,
Countries embedded in her skin
Entire
Continents pooling in her pores

Kisses splashed across
Red raw lips
Starved of affection

Her name hammering against my chest
My heart wandering lost
Clasped firmly
In the soft touch of her fingertips at 3 in the morning
The bitter sound of her goodbye
Shattering my rib cage

What a lesson it is
To learn that love does not simply end
It is us that grow tired and weary

What an honour it had been
To leave a fragment of myself in her smile. **To leave a small fire burning in the darkest corner of her soul.

For you,

If you let me,
I shall love you so entirely,
so completely
That you shall never need from me
Nothing that I cannot
Provide
There shall be nothing you cannot tell me
Whisper or confide,
Nothing that you feel,
Shall you ever have to hide
Because if you allow me
I shall kiss away each insecurity
From each chain
I shall break you free
Every darkness you encounter
I'll blaze in flames
So brightly
That there's never
A second, you cannot see
Every hurdle you come across
Across each, I shall willingly
Carry, you.
If you let me,
Everything that I do,
Every moment that I live
Myself, my heart, my soul,
My life,
To you I shall give.

When I say I want you
I don't just mean right here, right now,
I mean
I want all of you, from now until we're nearing the end of our lifeline, so we can replay and rewind the hands of time and get lost and reminisce, seal our memories with a kiss and smile in bliss.

I want you when you're smiling
And laughter is tumbling down your chin, when you bear your heart on your sleeve and cautiously invite me in. So I can carefully clasp it in my palms and disable the ringing of alarms, your concerns and qualms.
I want you when you're crying
Head in hands, fed up with the demands of day to day life, when struggles are rife. So I can get down on my knees, answer your pleas, anxieties cease, and place your hands in mine, as we unravel and unwind, the confusions in your mind.
I want you when you're insecure, when your wondering should I want more, when your unsure as to why it is that I adore, you. So I can carefully reassure that you are everything I've ever wanted and more and tell you one by one everything about you that I am grateful for.
I want you through the frustrations and accusations because we live in a nation that can be too small to accept, the love shared between our chests, because we both have *******.
I want you when you're wide awake at three in the morning, life's stresses and messes portrayed in the concern masking your smile. So I can walk each and every mile needed to reconcile your inner peace.
I want you when your fast asleep, where our bodies meet and greet each other in the most beautiful of embraces. So I can capture and appreciate the wonder of fate  and the miracles it makes as the ground shakes and my heart forsakes everything it was and everything it could be, because you now own it in its entirety.

I want you in a million and one spaces, places, pauses, causes.

I want you through and through, I want you, everything you think, feel, do,
I want you irrevocably, inexorably, infinitely.
For as long as you shall have me.

The greatest of magic lies in our naivete and innocence.

There are no words, no carefully stringed sentences, no clever use of metaphors, alliteration, punctuation and full stops,
that allows us to crop and capture,
the rapture,
of love.

Irrevocably, irrefutably, incomparably.



Infinitely.

When I hold your hand in mine
I have the entire world
At my fingertips.

Losing you proved harder than
I'd ever imagined.
So I took the memory
And pretended it never happened.

I buried you,
In the corners of my smile,
And hid you in the gaps between my teeth,
And every once in awhile,
I shone you,
In an attempt to conceal my grief.

I bottled your scent,
And put it in my pocket,
I captured those enchanting eyes
And placed them in my sockets.
I tuned your name into the beats
Of my heart,
I sewed you perfectly, into me,
So as not to tear myself apart.

I took that warm touch of yours,
And carried it in my hands,
I took that soothing voice,
And placed it into bands,
That I laced through my hair,
So when my levels of despair
Reached boiling point,
I'd never forget, that you were there,
That you had always cared.

I took your reassuring grasp,
So I'd never walk alone,
I kept your number,
Tucked neatly in my phone.
I took your kind and gentle ways,
And reinforced them to myself
As the days,
Passed by.

People told me I should start to let go
And I simply replied
With the answer of no.
Because letting go,
Means losing all of you,
And call me crazy,
But that I could never do.

You are an adventure, a journey, that I want to embark upon so long as love fills our hearts and happiness our lives, and I pray that is a very long time.

She offered me her heart with trembling hands, I took it and held it tightly
With a steady grasp and the most honest of intentions
I sewed it carefully
Into the depths of my chest cavity
In the hole that was empty
Where I'd offered my heart anxiously
To the same woman
That had presented me
With hers, just moments before.

I can still feel his hands
around my heart.

you will always be my favourite piece of poetry.

There is no describing the sense of pride
With a woman as phenomenal
As you by my side

I miss the way my name slipped through your lips the way water slips through finger tips
and i miss the way our finger tips were laced better than any shoe
i miss the way we'd lay with one another as though we could get lost in each other but i could never be more lost than when i looked into your eyes
i miss the way you calmed the storms in my heart,
the way your loving hands formed works of art, constructed the safest of landings right from the start.
and i miss the way you used to run your fingers through my hair, as you'd sit and stare with whispers in your breath and a tenderness in your movement saying "i care"
I miss the way you didn't look through me like most, you looked deep inside, picked up every flaw and regret and made a toast to the wonders that made me me.
i miss the way i knew in one swift glance, from the look of your stance, what the chance of forever was, and it was almost as promised hitlers suicide, and how you carefully entered the dark valleys of my heart, where others had shyed.
and i miss the way we slotted together better than the little counters in the game of connect four
and i miss the way you'd hold open the door to your soul
i miss the way we reminisced and promised to grow old
i miss the way i felt when you hung a sign on your heart saying sold
and i was elated because though it was belated i knew i was the lucky one to have such an important piece of you
and i miss the way we'd do all those things we did between the sheets, the way our eyes would meet, before we closed them together and embarked further into our romance,
As we'd partake in a dance, that only we knew.
i miss the way you planted butterflies in my stomach and fireflies in my eyes, the element of suprise when you came home with flowers
i miss the hours we spent just laying content
i miss reading and rereading those messages you sent, the beauty of your intent
i miss the taste of your lips
the way my hands felt around your hips
i miss the way those glasses framed the most beautiful masterpieces I've ever seen, the way you'd take something i had no understanding of, and show me what it means
i miss the way you filled the cavities of my heart, with hugs and i love yous which warmed me better than any cup of coffee ever could
The way you made me feel, so, so good
I miss the way you etched my initials into your the insides of your eyelids and i did the same with yours
I miss the way you calmed the shores
And i miss the way you'd sparkle and shine as you'd sit and remind me that its okay not to be okay and its okay that we're gay because we didn't have to fit into social formality, i miss the clarity, the calming of the raging wars in my mind, the directions when i had no idea where to start to find myself
i miss the way you couldn't have cared less about wealth because you said as long as we had happiness and health we were already millionaires.
I miss the way you took the fires in me that could have burnt down entire cities, and slowly but surely extinguished them,
I miss the way we tied ourselves to one another with double knots until we forgot to tell each other just how lucky we were, and until we started to stop showing each other how much we cared but instead the bruises we bared from the only person that had ever cared so much it hurt
until we lost touch, both physically and mentally until the insides of you and me began to unravel from each other internally
until happiness could only be found in setting free the one thing I've never wanted to hold onto most,
until the host that had kept my heart beating and my hopes alive buried them in the tears that fell from your eyes. And i despise the way
the only place id ever felt like i was home was now the only place id ever felt so alone.

I'd spent so long searching for the light outside of me,
I almost didn't notice
It shining from within.

Fear not that you shall lose me
I have not gone,
I shall not leave.
I am the breath of fresh air
Every single time you breathe,
I am sitting right beside you
In the darkest hours that you grieve,
When you feel most alone,
I am there, you must believe.