louella

louella Sep 2022

autumn

when all the leaves fall and change
when the sunset gets sooner everyday
in that exact pale chilly darkness
that is where my heart rests
perhaps i have dreamed once before
i dreamed i would see a dinosaur
in real life, in real form
and maybe i dreamt big things for my future
i have watched the shower nozzle water cascade down me
like some kind of wanna-be hot spring
the leaves have turned brown alike my heart
and my lungs grow heavy and wet like the morning dew that falls
i imagine that if i was a painter i would sculpt myself in autumn
in a tiny little cottage
with smoke rising from the chimney
alone, in an opening of deciduous trees,
here the leaves fall softly and slowly
and my heart sinks quietly and slowly
underneath the sobbing trees

i just compared myself to fall. wazzup

9/2/22

#fall #leaves #autumn #change

louella Sep 2022

it’s been eighty four years (it feels like it at least)

the pressure to have to say “yes” after so many years of “no’s” is real
an old friend invited me
at nine fifteen in the evening
to a fair in the next week
the next few days actually
and my skin was crawling
when i had to answer quickly
they want me back after all these years?
do they want to be my friends?
who suggested that i tag along?
who in their right mind?
wait till you see how ugly i am
wait till you see how lonely i am
how impaled by social anxiety i am currently
i promise that it’s not my only personality trait
i don’t think i can deal
i can’t operate around who i haven’t seen in forever
i feel under the weather
i want to go home
and be happy and fulfilled when we hang out
on saturday
please accept me into your group
i can’t wait to know you all again
please let me in
please don’t let my alarm clock ding
at three o’clock in the morning
haunted by your unwillingness to accept me
please
the tides keep rolling and rushing
but i can’t stop blushing
please accept me and don’t act weird and disassociate
kinda excited to see you on saturday

i am so nervous, i am seeing them for the first time in two yearssssss. wish me all the luck, my anxiety is skyrocketing. hopefully my mom says i can hang out with them. wish me all the luck in the world.

9/1/22

#longtime #hangingout

louella Aug 2022

i can’t find a way to finish this thought, so it’s just a small one

listening to you bleed out is the darkest form of white noise i have ever heard

might use later

8/28/22

louella Aug 2022

months

waiting for months to pass
and then, i’m blue
and am labeled ungrateful.
waiting for months to turn to dust
in my rusty palms
to set straight my wonky emotions
to soothe my ferocious oceans.
counting days till my cage is opened
reciting rhymes until i come back to life.
waiting for months to disappear
become marks on the calendar
can’t wait for this year to be over.
waiting for these months to stop dragging
my laden feet
upon the creaky floorboards
resisting the torture.
waiting for the months to surrender
to the year’s higher rule
succumb to the power.
waiting for these months to blow by
to relocate out of my eye view
to package up and leave.

i can’t endure these months anymore

school *****

8/27/22

#months #passing #years #month #weeks #days #struggle

louella Aug 2022

upset for a minute, but not anymore

my friends hung out all summer, but they never invited me. and they were telling stories about it at the lunch table and i felt fomo like you would never believe. i feel like i’m only around to be the funny and ditzy friend once in a blue moon. then no one wants to see my face until another one sprouts in the night sky.

i feel misplaced and then i don’t so…

but it was the first day of school so i won’t think about it too much

8/26/22

#friends #school

louella Aug 2022

i don’t wanna be here

the classroom i sit in,
with baggy eyes and a heavy heart,
is cornering me and strangling me, leaving claw marks on my neck.
the walls close in and
my lungs can’t find another way
to breathe.
they weren’t taught any other methods but heaving.
what am i doing in this classroom? feeling misplaced
learning about nothing i need
about nothing i will use in the future. in the back of the room,
hidden behind smiles and jokes
of more lively teenagers.
they belong here.
i don’t.
i don’t belong.

first day of school. kinda fun, kinda awkward, kinda stressful. is this year gonna be better than the last?

8/26/22

#school #belonging

louella Aug 2022

sorry, true love is one of my goals?

sometimes i don’t believe in true love
but i haven’t witnessed an elderly couple
dancing in the kitchen with a whisk and a fork
and hands together like swans locking necks
will i know once i’ve fallen in love?
will i be ignorant to the feeling?
will i brush it away like extra hair?

i desire to dance in the moonlight with the vinyl in the background singing ever so sweetly
expectations are hard to shake
and i still want your hands in my hair
and your heart in my hands
sometimes i don’t believe in true love
and sometimes i do
and sometimes i wish i felt it with you

must be nice

8/24/22

#truelove #love #loving #true