I have a thing called a mood disorder.
With mood disorders, my moods flip
Rapidly and or without reason.
I can be laughing one second
The next is a crying mess.

I met this guy
He helped me so in return I helped him.
He then asked me out and I said yes.
It slightly made my mood disorder more manageable.

I’d bend over backwards to help him
And he would be in return help me aswell.
It was a give give relationship.

He begun to tell me he loved me
Naturally I said the same and knew I meant it.
But when he said it, it was questionable.

With my mood disorder it makes it hard to function some days.
He started to leave me alone because  he said it would make me worse with him around.
He started saying he picked up extra hours at work to get extra money
He started to say he didn’t feel the same way about me as he use to…

He said, “I think we should see other people”

Now whenever someone says something that triggers a memory of him
I am happy, sad, angry, and confused. My mood keeps flipping.
I start to recite memories while smiling which turns into tears streaming down my face.
I start to remember how he cared for me and how I cared for him.

I remember the time he was so depressed I stayed up for hours, so he wouldn’t harm himself…
I remember he stopped doing the same for me.

I thought it was love and he could accept me for my flaws.
I thought he wanted me and only me.
But then I found out, he cheated during it all.
Now I am a mess. I am not the same and still think about him.

He was my first true love…
My first true disaster.

If everyone were a clown,
I’d be the worst.
Clowns aren’t suppose to make you frown,
I just bring you down.

Painted on smile,
But it’s not really there.
See its an illusion,
Don’t chuckle and sneer

Washing off makeup
But only with tears
A day full of syrup
Full of despair

Take the gun and **** it
Please don’t mock this
Lifetime of sadness
Everything is madness.

Water squirts
It’s just a toy
It just hurts
I just wanted joy

One more time
It is time to die
Gun on head
I want to be dead.

Hovering over the trigger
His eyes getting bigger
Wet again
With blood

Its not water
Amen
On the ground, a thud
Today he slaughtered

It was a man,
It was, himself.

I am dirt.
I am a constant in your life.
I am there to catch you when you fall.
I am there when you lay alone at night
struggling to feel something.
I am never fading
for I am dirt.

You are human.
Your body was not meant to touch stars.
You are meant to swallow fire
to burn cities to the ground.
You take me for granted because
You are human.

You are a human who found another human.
Another human who could do my job.
Another human who could do more.
Another human who stole you from me.
Yet you didn’t take them for granted.
Your human is a thief.

I thought I was dirt.
Now I am laying alone at night.
What am I feeling?
Dirt can’t feel, or can it?
I am not dirt.

I am human.