I lie in bed
Pounding head
****** slit wrists
Food barely bit
Beer bottles on floor
Feeling lost and torn
Asking myself...
Is it time to end all the pain?

I hate it..
If I let people see my true colors
They hate me and I look weak
If I don't they don't understand me...

I miss actually loving someone
Falling deep in their eyes
Losing yourself
I miss falling asleep
To the sweet dreams of you
Now I use love
To get high
I don't love him
But he gives me the objects to get high
Its the only time I feel alive
Ever since you left me
Ever since you took me out of your life

I have to say
The truth be told
I'm addicted
I'm addicted to bettering myself
But not in thy way of improving oneself within
Improving myself with cosmetics
I'm addicted to the dark eyeliner
The cherry red lips
The perfect skin
It gives me confidence
It makes me scared to look my natural looks
Even when nobody else is going to lay eyes on me
I feel like I still have to put it on
For myself

I drink the night away
Wondering if this much could take away my sufferings for good
Because I know that if my eyes don't open in the morning
I have nobody to miss me or even care that I was gone
If I just disappeared nothing would change
I would have a small funeral
Barely even remembered
That's why I wonder if it would be better if I was gone

I look around
At those girls with their baes
Who receive texts and calls by the minute
People dying for their attention
Mesmerizing looks
Who get to go to parties
Why do they deserve a life
Is it because of my glasses
And if not that my forehead flustered in acne
Maybe its because of my unbearable amount of weight
Why do I live a boring life if I desire nothing more than adventure
Is it really wrong if I drink my bourbon whiskey and red wine
Is it truly disgraceful if I smoke and crave highness
Am I really a bad person for holding the knife
letting my blood pour out
I wish I was worth more in the eyes of others
I wish people saw the beauty within
Because I look and I see a broken girl
Not even potential in her eyes
Eyes that just never want to open again
To see this god forsaken land of waste
Commonly referred to as my **life

I never  had a shield
Nothing to protect me from the horrors of life
Nothing to save me from the sorrows it brings
Not even someone to share the few delights

ღ ღ ღ ღღ ღ ღ ღღ ღ ღ ღღ ღ ღ ღღ ღ ღ ღღ ღ ღ ღ

I haven't smelled your cologne since
That comforting cologne
Its been replaced with the smell of red wine
That sweet sensation of dried grapes
A sensation that will never leave
Like you did