She creases her forehead in confusion
She wonders what they say as they pass her by
What are they saying, to whom and why?
They murmur, frown, giggle and titter
As if they have no emotional filter
The little she hears almost brings her to tears
Do they dance to the tune of some shadow puppeteer?

Call them rumors, gossip, lies, hearsay or fabrication
Call them improvised news or forged information
Little difference would it make.
Malicious whispers, known to topple empires
Sunder relationships and cause death
Her chest hurts and she can’t seem to take a breath
As her heart tumbles in her chest, her mind is drawn to Wilkinson v. Downton
In that moment, she could almost relate to Miss Wilkinson.

Ware those Whispers
They travel far and wide
But their source is always close to home
Who tattled? Was it a loved one or a close friend?
She may never know.
Ware those whispers.
They may have as little as a kernel or as much as a boatload of truth
At this point, the defence of truth is surely moot
She called them girls, squad, friends and besties
In their company, she was merely lollygagging
Behind her back, their tongues were wagging

A mere misrepresentation can cause complete devastation
They scoff at her frantic utterances of truth
To them, it is no more than mere superstition
She retreats into her Fortress of Solitude
In this bubble of quietude, she lifts her hands in gratitude
Though she knows it is no more than a blanket fort of self-deception

They continue to natter and chatter
She ceases her cries of protest, for it no longer matters
In calm desperation, she starts to twine the hanging rope
But wait, suicide is still a crime under the law
She stands helpless as the whispers sneak past her defences
She grips her head in an effort to drown out their voices
To this they mutter, “look, surely she is non compos mentis”

Dear child, let them run their mouth for God is thy witness
Guard your tongue for the walls have ears
Calm your heart and hear no whispers
Let them speak, they are no more than vipers
Do not be sad, though you may lose some friends
It is only the beginning and not the end
They may think they have you assessed
But they have no idea how much you’re blessed
And at all times, ware those whispers.

Black and blue
Yet beneath that thin veneer of flesh runs streams of red
Red...just as human as you
Born with colour of a different shade
Always believing my colour to be my biggest shame
Dark skinned, my very existence a hateful sin
My days are spent with my head hung in fear and impotent rage
Keenly aware that I'm human but of a lesser grade

Black and blue
A symbol of justice and truth
Once in my youth I cheered for you
Now, jaded and old i turn my head and hide from you
Years of anger and persecution has made me shrewd

Black and Blue
The painful imprint you left on my skin after Karen's call came through
Despair, frustration, sorrow
In that moment, I feel all shades of blue
All this suffering because of the lies of Karen, that hateful shrew
This time I walk away with my life
Can't say the same about my wounded pride

Black and Blue
Blue, the colour of peace and harmony
That's what others see when they look at you
But with every wheezing breath my lips turn blue
Black creeps along the edges of my vision
Black and Blue, the colours of death
My lungs burst as they strain for that free breath of life
"I can't breathe"
I'm not allowed to.
After all, I'm not a human like you.

You sit in your chair, calm and collected.
Betraying no emotion or nerves
You're a rock of composure
But i see the tell tale trembling in your hands
You clutch the threads of your worn pants in a vice grip
Trying to hold back the creeping tide of tremors
You lock your knees together in desperation
Grit your teeth and clench your jaw
But more and more, the cracks spread through your body
And once again, the demons of anxiety run amok in your body
Slamming the chambers of your heart with their thorny fists,
Freezing your lungs with their icy breath
Crowding out all lucid thoughts with their incoherent babble
"Not again, not again, not again"
"please stop, please"
You cry in the shadowed recesses of the your own mind over and over
Hiding from hounding demons
But like always, the demons of anxiety do not heed words
The silent battle is once again lost
Your shame, cowardice and weak spine is laid bare to the eyes and judgment of the world
I know the feeling
I know you
I am you

The rain had ever reminded me of you.
Odd isn't it?
Of all the elements of this world
It is not the warm cheery sun
Nor the cool breeze
Or even the fluffy clouds that reminds me of you.
No, it's always the rain.

It starts with a drop or two.
Tip tap tip tap
Then a dozen drops kiss the parched earth.
Pitter patter pitter patter
Every leaf feels the soft wet touch of their caress as they fall, leaving trails of their passing.
The sky murmurs
In annoyance or relief?
It's hard to tell sometimes
Other times it rages...that's unmistakable

A few drops can be easily dealt with
They're enjoyable even....refreshing
A light drizzle, an inconvenience but manageable
A downpour
A disappointment for what we want to achieve for a time but still it could have been worse
A storm...a force of nature that obeys not even the laws of physics
A storm that rips trees from the earth, pulls down walls and bowls over firm buildings

It is said that the eye of a storm is the most calm place to be.
But only for a brief time...certainly not enough for it to be any form of relief.
That's how you were.
I enjoyed the brief moments....the drizzle....before it all went downhill and sadness and conflict became the norm
As it were, from a downpour into a storm.

The portents of doom were all on the horizon. But human beings are always blind to the existence of things which we do not wish to believe.
In hindsight....ah what does it even matter now.
What is the use of wisdom after the fact.
I will not speak of the lessons learnt after nor acknowledge them.
I know better sure but then again I also know that hindsight is  *****.
The latter I think is the more relevant lesson

Rivulets of icy water run over my body
Memories, sounds and words swirl in my mind
None finds purchase, in this cleaning flood

My thoughts are heavy in this solitude
Today as always, my mind strayed
To a dream, a bizarre manifestation of my fears
In this dream, I met my inner demon

A familiar tableau, sat in an endless space
A square table, with no seat of power or place
Two chairs, worn by our backs and butts
But equal, balanced, in all its edges and cuts
It evokes a sense of equality, of balance
A set of scales sits on the table
The scales hold two stones, one blue, one white
Also balanced to the naked sight.

I sit in the chair, to the left, where I belong
In my usual clothes, plain and worn
He approaches, my demon, my mirror, my friend of old
His clothes, his face, his carriage, everything I am not

He sits opposite me, symbolic, different, as he always has
We share a drink in silence, no words need be said
He knows my thoughts, and I, his,
A casual observer would think us friends, and he'd be right
My demon is me, who I am,
Who I was
and who I'm meant to be

I look into his eyes
He stares back, unblinking, patient, as always
He looks the same, much as I do
A dark face, with slight in-set eyes
A pug nose sits over thick lips
A quirky slant to his eyebrows and a confident tilt to his chin.
A gleam of mischief lurks in his eyes

My demon, my mirror, a reflection of my dark side
A creature of different persuasion and intent
But at the core, he has and will always be me.
Every second of my life, he has been there.
The avatar of my fears, doubts and insecurities
His voice, a constant refrain in my mind, haunting
In the ignorance of youth, I called him a demon
A monster guilty of the quiver in my voice,
The chill of icy fear in my blood,
the clouds of depression over my head
He was the cause of my failures

But as I look into his eyes, I see the end is near
The shadows under his eyes, the tremble in his hand, I fear
But I'll ignore it, for now, and raise my glass in a toast
To my demon, my mirror, my reflection, my friend
He is but what I made him to be

I am his beginning and his end
I made my demon
I will be the end of him

He spoke, my demon, in a voice just like my own

"One day I will be no more" 
"One day, I will die", He said
A sad smile split my lips
"I know you will fight as long as you can"
"I know you will try and stop me"
"But now I know, that you can't"
A wry grin split his face.

My demon has made me stronger
I knew it
And he knew it
How could I hate him for that
We sat in silence and drunk
To our past and our future
My demon and I

In the big city, our eyes are always cast to the ground
Everyday, we bustle and hustle
Striving for a slice of the paper,
the digs
and the chicks
For once, if only for a few seconds
go outside and look into the night sky
Take a break and give it a try
See the most wondrous of creations
See without all that artificial light
Be enraptured by the mystic starry sky
Notice the enchanting twilight canvas
Appreciate the cosmic tapestry of glittering diamonds and gems
Disconnect from social media, be rooted in the moment to that spot
unplugged
Put on the brakes, stop pondering your lot
live in that moment
Its beautiful, isn't it

Once, I yearned for this gift
Made from tin, cold and unfeeling,
How could I not yearn for this pulsating *****
Warm and full of life

That breathes colours and sound to the pictures in my mind and the music in my soul
The final piece to make this tin man whole

O wizard, what foolhardy creation have I sought?
This wondrous yet dreadful lump of flesh
A living repository of despair
Of trembling hands
Of stuttered words
And of gasping breaths

O wizard, what misery your magic has brought
An ***** so frail and weak
Given to fanciful imagination
Chained to wanton desire and emotion
Swayed by what-ifs and pained by forget-me-mots

O Wizard, take from me that which you have wrought
Give me back the hollow comfort of metal
Of the cold void, quiet, unfeeling and unchanging
Make me what I was always meant to be.
A tin man through and true.

I have a story to tell though it fills me with dread
Bile rises in my throat yet i push on
My vision drains of colour, reduced to monochromatic shades of grey
My grievance will be made known later
But for now i have a story to tell

The sun has risen.
Once lost in the transience of dreamful sleep, the World has woken to the truth of your magnificence
The stars have faded one after another into the brightening sky
Lunar madness slowly wears off and wretched sanity once again courts the waking mind.

Gather around my status and hear my words
Today this lowly herald will blow the trumpet
This day, this unworthy servant will tell your story
Heed the sound of my voice, distorted and pained it may be.
Fold your arms and kneel as beffiting!!
Don't bother pinching yourself, this is no illusion
The Liege is born today
Rejoice
Rejoice
And be glad

The beginning....
By his devilry and trickery i became last born; the boy who lived last
I grew up, a scrawny humanling next to the Dark Lord
It is whispered that he was the child of the Dragon of the Dark Continent and the Great Saint.
Upon his birth, the sky was split asunder with lightning.
The air seemed to tremble with fear and the world roiled and shook with the coming into existence of a great being.
He was born.

As a child, I drank from his cup of wisdom, knowledge and clinical understanding
A regular Casanova with the chiseled looks and muscles of a Greek god, i bore witness to his exploits as a child, awed as to how a human being could command such power and greatness.

Dark Romeo
Possessed of arresting looks, towering intelligence and a silver tongue, the sorting hat would have surely placed him in House Slytherin.
Tom Ray Riddle, he would have been a wizard to rival He who must not be named.

With his magic, mischief and cons
He knows how to draw in maids, pretty and young.
At his feet, i lived as a demi-god in Camp half-blood,
journeyed to Hogwarts as a wide eyed wizard, marched and fought as part of a century in Camp jupiter,
ran in terror at the creatures in the world of Goose bumps,
wielded the sword of truth as the Black Seeker, struggled to achieve bankai as a shinigami in Soul Society,
learned how to shout to awaken my power in Dragon *****,
learned how to acquire sage mode as Jounin in Konoha

Raymond Severus Snape, my tutor in mastery of the dark arts and the subtle arts of mischief.
He goes by many names...some earned, some given. Though, chills run gleefully down my spine, i will make them known to the world.

The slow inexorable press of time
The unrelenting caress of passing days
Grinds and grinds away at my soul
Everyday, every hour and every second
A never ending torture of existence, of living
Yet, there is no physical pain
No mental anguish nor emotional strife
There is only the cold seeping chill of an empty life,
In the yawning expanse of time, a bleak future beckons
Time grinds and grinds away at my soul

I have lost so much yet I remain whole
Only just
My emotions flicker in and out, barely felt
Blood rushes through my veins,
I can no longer hear its strains
The world, once vibrant has lost its color
Everything is now dull, drab and gray
Yet in fleeting moments everyday,
As I breathe in, the world resets
Everything seems right
I am still whole and thats okay
And time still grinds away at my soul.

"Everyday must feel like a Holiday"They say,
Around me, everyone laughs
And loves
And lives
At the stroke of the hour, I die alittle within
Bit and pieces of me fall into the abyss
Never to be seen, never to return
They don't see the parts that are gone
Neither do I
I know that I am whole but only in body
Time still grinds away at my soul


I feel the weight of time more keenly than ever
Jobless, hopeless, useless
In this valley of disappointment that I reside
Every moment is torment when hope has died
Time is not cruel but it is not kind
And time never stops
God, time just never stops
Not for them and not for me
Forward it marches on,
Pitiless and unyielding from dusk till dawn
Swept along in its stream, i have no choice
Caught in its relentless roll
I only wish it could be gentle with me
But time still grinds away at my weary soul

I keep moving
Like a river flowing, never ceasing
I can't stop to catch a break
Or to breathe in the sweet, fragrant breeze
I can't stop to think
Should I look behind just for a second? I don't dare
Behind me rides all my greatest fears
Like dark storm clouds on the horizon
My inadequacies and sins laid bare
Like a field of thorns, they ***** and tear
Behind me flies a host of wailing wraiths
Their mournful cries echo in my ears
My unfulfilled dreams, like autumn leaves
Scattered in the wind, forever lost in time
But I keep moving forward, ever on
Hoping to outrun my past and find the sun.

It's strange how one can survive being sane for long.
Sometimes,just being in your senses is the greatest achievement you think you can achieve.
Being sensitive to feelings, hardships and unprepared deadlines, sleep is the biggest price you have to pay.

Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Thats the only advice you receive.
It works for the moments your eyes aren't open. You see, the problem isn't that you're weak but this world is, who feel happy seeing you do it on your own.

Sometimes, just for your own comfort, you find it best to reside in a bubble.
A bubble that everything will be fine, that you'll get through successfully and that this unkind world is the issue.

How many times have you heard "this is how the world is, if you're going to succeed, you'll have to lose some sweat."
Dear world, sorry but it doesn't help, sleepless nights have been spent, much time has been wasted overthinking and hope has been lost trying to find comfort in the ones you love.

People make it through, people succeed, same is expected of you too, to be the same way.
Cry now and shine later on.
Everyone isn't the same way. All you need to do is button up and roll up your sleeves.
But "Maybe you'll get through this" is what you're looking for.

You're messed up.
Unrealistic daydreams and fictional worlds are part of your misery and they will never leave you alone.
Tomorrow when you find yourself standing alone with no one to hold your hand, remember it is you alone who carries your burdens, so you and only you can say to yourself, "you'll get through this" and smile looking up at the sky.

"That's a good boy" the old lady rasped weakly in a doting voice as she sent her coal black puppy running into the garden. She smiled faintly as she watched her dog romp happily in the garden, rooting in the bushes for hidden treasures.  Sunlight piercing through the patches in the foliage of the surrounding trees gleamed off the unusually scarlet skins of healthy ripe tomatoes. Whincing slightly at the twinging pain in her back, she leaned heavily on her walking stick as she sunk gingerly to her knees in the soil. Gnarled and age mottled fingers reached forth from grey robes and tenderly caressed one fleshy fruit. Plucking it from the stem, she bit into the skin. Swallowing slowly with ruby coloured juices dribbling down the corners of her lips, she shuddered as she felt a wave ran through her body for a few seconds. With a sigh of satisfaction, she brushed off the soil from her robe and pulled herself to her feet without the aid of her stick. She turned sharply to her right as a rustle in the undergrowth caught her ears. Amused, she watched as her dog trotted proudly up to her with his tail wagging rapidly. His rear sticking up in the air, the puppy lowered his chest onto the ground and proudly presented his prize.  "What's that in your mouth boy".She reached down and pried the decaying finger, too small to belong to a human adult, from the mouth of the dog. The dog whined as she tossed the finger under the maggot ridden roots of one of the plants. She smiled and patted his head. "That's a good boy"

A tapestry is woven piece by piece
And each piece added to the next brings greater clarity to what to me is a masterpiece
All those little pieces add up to you
So I offer you another piece of that tapestry

As I've said before,
I like how unguarded your eyes are
The more I look into them, the deeper I fall into their  depths
You believe that the eyes are windows to the soul
To me, voices sings the song of the spirit
The voice drawn in conversation provides a bridge
People are different
Yet linked we are, soul to soul, through the eyes
Spirit to spirit, through the harmony of our voices

But I guess I should start from the top
You must know
Your voice, always makes my heart a little warmer each time I hear it.
I have no doubt it, you hear this a lot
Your voice is wonderful
What others have said, matters not to me,
true though they may be

The sound of your voice alone, devoid of words is enchanting
It leaves the listener in thrall to its melodic symphonies
Pleasant to the ears
The audible vibrations thrum through the skin, flows through scarlet blood to touch the spirit
Within that confluence of words; a simple conversation, intimacy is born.
Our souls may touch through the eyes
But our spirits resonate in sync through our voices

I have told you, I like how you speak
Words flow from your lips with such breathtaking delicacy
Your lips, honoured heralds of your words move with meticulous care
Each syllable sharp and precise; a fine piercing edge that lances every distracting thought till I cannot help but be drawn in by the lilting tones of your voice

The deeper I look into your eyes the more I realise that within those depths are the buried remnants of different past life experiences;
Some are good, some are bad and some lie inbetween.
A lot of stories fall within those grey areas
But your voice seeps with an uncanny alchemy of happiness, sadness, fear, uncertainty and a host of other emotions.
Where your voice rises in happiness, my heart sings with joy
Where your voice drops in sadness, my heart sinks with sorrow and pain.
When your voice shakes with uncertainty, my heart twinges with anxiety.

Angel, what a befitting name
Surely, yours is a voice that only heaven can make
The perfect instrument wrought by the Hand of God
A warm summer breeze
That is how the sound of your voice feels to my ears
Pleasant and refreshing
Would that I could hear it every day
But I can't,
Sometimes
Just sometimes
Whenever I feel a warm breeze on my neck
Around my ears
I cannot help but wonder
I cannot help but wish
Maybe it's your whispering voice that I hear

I killed him,
That little voice in my head
That screamed and wailed
Till I was near dead
His wordless cries of sorrow
Tearing at my heart
His cries of pain
Tearing me apart

I killed him,
That little voice in my head
That haunted me, over and over
In the lonely hours of midnight
The sombre early dawn
When all was still
And the world slept blissfully unaware
When I was alone and vulnerable

I killed him,
That little voice in my head
Blessed silence is my only gain
A moment’s peace
Before he comes again
I have silenced him,
For now
But he’ll rise again
And again and again
I know he will be back
That little voice, in my head.

Maybe I'm just a shadow, cast by the sun,
Part of the light but never truly one.
I fear the dark, and what it may hold
It ***** my emotions and makes my heart grow cold

The warmth of the light burns my fragile being
I lose my substance, I lose myself
Darkness sinks into me, consumes my health
I fear the dark and what I might find,
A loss of my being, an end to my mind

I'm torn by forces, beyond my control
Subjected to change, over and over
I struggle so hard, to find a balance
In my mind,
my heart
and my soul

If there is one thing that's familiar, it's the feeling of loss,
Of being out of place, and longing for what's lost
Life as a shadow is only temporary,
I know it will end, I want it to end
But until it does, I keep existing in limbo
As a shadow,
Never truly part of the light.
Never truly part of the dark.

I wonder what it feels to be strong
To stand tall, to feel in charge all day long
Would my bones be made of steel, my heart of stone
Would lightning in my veins, make me bold

Would the constant tremor of my soul stop
Would my fears of people, things, all drop
Would I stop thinking about anything and everything
All at once
Would my thoughts be still and placid like a lake
And world seem bright and cheerful, not so gray and fake

I wonder if that's how it would feel
To be brave, to not let my fears rule me
To stand tall, to face the world, smile and be just me
To be who I am and everything I want to be
To go the extra mile, always with a smile
And face the world, free of fear

When the world is asleep
Deceitful vanity is cast aside
Along with broken dreams, hope and pride
Gone are harsh, fears and tears
Blissful silence is all I hear
Anchored to reality, I sojourn alone
Yet in this vast serenity, I sense a kindred soul
As the sun slowly creeps into the sky
May we leave the shackles of our body
And on rainbow wings of fairy butterflies
Soar with hands entwined
To mystical worlds of solemn splendor

With every second that passes
I become less and less of myself
The lashing bite of your acerbic tongue
Eviscerates my soul
leaving an empty shell, barren and bare
You blew off steam to make yourself feel better
You vented your spleen in a breathless tirade of self righteousness
You huffed and puffed and blew away my sense of self worth

I squeeze my ears shut but i can hear the sniggering of the shadows at the edges of my vision
My mates, my friends, my people
And when you have left, those scavengers shall continue in their ritual of ridicule
But we both ignore them
this moment is reserved for us

In that charged atmosphere of emotion, I feel a connection to you
Your face carved in that rictus of anger shows me how human you are
You're not some big bad wolf
You're a man, sometimes a creature of logic; you always have to be right
A being who strives for perfection in words and deeds
I am a human
A boy, sometimes a creature of emotion; frail, clumsy and clueless
Wont to making mistakes
I am only human and I am myself; not you and
Not whatever you want me to be or wish i could be
I am only human
The seeds of resentment burrow deeper and take root
With every word that passes your lips, I lose more and more of myself
With every beat of my heart, I grow weaker
The spectre of disappointment hangs heavily on my shoulders
I am a boy, I have a voice
But I cannot speak
I no longer want to
After all, who would listen to the words of a boy over a man

1....5....20....100....500
In the silence of midnight madness
My mind ticks frantically
My herd grows by the hundred
780.....1000.....3000.....8000
In the silence of creeping dawn
My heart beats in a frenzy
My herd grows by the thousand

Sometimes, it feels as if all my words are the wrong shape and none of them will be able to fit into the silence left when our conversation pauses

It was always that smile...that **** smile.  
A curve of the lips so teasingly invitng.
There was always something different about each one.
A soft, tender and amused smile at a lame joke that I'd told a dozen times over.
A brief smile of ecstasy when you discovered a song you liked.
A smile of contentment when you sunk into my arms.
A smile of mischief to match my own whenever our eyes met and our thoughts ran in the same direction.
A smile of encouragement to turn my frown upside down.
That **** smile...your smile

The sound of falling rain you said always makes you happy
That was my first image of you
Hair plastered to the sides of your head
you stood, face turned to the sky with a smile of utter bliss on your face
The tears of the sky gently caressed your face like streams of liquid diamond
Three seconds.........
That's all the time the universe granted me to catch a glimpse of you
I remember that moment with crystal clarity
The rain always felt cold and dreary to me.
Those tiny cold drops of water, evidence of the sorrow of mother earth
The thunder and lightning , the rage of Gaia at the darkness of human nature
Yet in that moment, my breath froze in my lungs
I felt a strong impulse to jump out into the rain
And so I did
The driver shouted in anger
I had not paid my cab fare you see
In that timeless moment
The air held a certain tranquility
Almost as if the forces of nature had ground to a halt
As if the whole world stared at your majesty with bated breath
In that curtain of raindrops, I saw beauty with no equal
Your tinkling laughter seemed to cause the very air to shiver with delight
I saw unrestrained childlike happiness at the world and its beauty
I took a perfect memory of you
On that rainy day
The day that we met......

In my mind plays a reel of remembrance
My senses quicken again and again
At the glimmer of mischief in your eyes
At that dimpled coquettish smile;
At the sound of your husky cheery laugh;
At the lingering warmth of your feverishly warm skin;
At the soothing allure of your fragrance
At that taste of velvety bliss

In the shadowed recesses of my mind
Lingers this pale ghost of you
A shade of memories;
of things of joy;
things of pain;
and things of grief

How many memories, sweet and sad
Bind you to the cobwebbed hollows of my mind
O'miserable shade, persisting in such tortured misery
Would that I could bleed your essence onto these white sheets
Would that I could release you from your earthly bonds
But...could i be so cruel?

Writing has ever been a balm for my tortured mind
A release from worldly woes, an exorcism of  negative mental humours
Writing memories down kills them
Of course it does.
Words aren’t meant to be stiff, unchanging things,
Bereft of life, colour and scent
Ink on these white sheets will not mean life but death

But it's time.
Time to end this meaningless dance with the ghost of you.
Time to release you from this spectral coil.
This time, I'll write it all down and be free.

You always found it strange how often I would hold your hand and compare the sizes of our hands;
how I would, from time to time, seek to intertwine our fingers.
In your mind, I'm sure our little marriage of digits amused you.
With fingers intertwined, I could sometimes feel your heartbeat.
A slight quickening of your pulse told me that though you did not ask, you wanted that connection as much as I did.
Joined by our hands, our heartbeats communicating in synch in a throbbing language of their own, we were immersed in a peculiar rhythm of life.
In this moment in time, we had no need for words

How are you? They ask
I reply:

"I am fine."
I say that every morning
I say that to everyone
I say that to myself in the mirror...everyday
Change has found me and my life in many ways
But I feel nothing has changed
I am still...me.


How are you? They ask
I hesitate...I reply:

"I am.....fine."
Something feels off.
An undercurrent of unease travels through me
I dunno what, how or why
I have not changed yet I am not the same.
I read books right? Yes but not as much as I used to
I listen to music? Yes...but not as much
And not the same stuff anymore.
I watch movies? Yes but rarely
So I am fine but I am also not myself.


How are you? They ask
I pause....I reply.

"I....am fine......"

Pause.

I....am.
I........am not sure I am fine.
I was.....fine
I used to be....but right now
Right here...in the present...I do not know
I am not sure anymore....
I feel.....disconnected
Like Humpty Dumpty, I feel like a mosaic of fragments
Broken, cracked and yet whole
With all my pieces in the wrong places, the wrong order
I feel normal yet I also feel wrong

How are you? They ask
I reply .....

"I am not fine"
Bits and pieces of my being exist
But not in the right places
I am
I exist
I live
I am myself but not the same
I feel like facsimile, a broken copy
I used to be whole
Now, I am just bits and pieces masquerading as a whole

Roiling emotions like thunderstorms
Yet on you face, an angel's smile adorns  
That curve of happiness, so false and sly
Never quite reaches your eyes

"I'm fine" is a steady lie that slips from your lips
Always so composed, calm, collected
But now and then
A yearning flits across your face
The floodgates crack, and emotions threaten to burst
But then the dam holds, the mask slips back in place


You don't have to be so strong all the time
I know, you don't want to look a mess
So you bury and hide your weakness
You always look so brave
But the truth, your eyes always do betray
Whenever you think no one is looking
They sparkle with a glimmer of tears

Motes of emotion dance in your eyes sometimes
But they flicker, sputter and die
It all happens so fast
That moment of life crumbles to dust
I know it can be hard
You already have so many scars
You don't know that I watch you
But I do
I can't speak to you yet,
Maybe you don't anyone to see who you are
But I will be here, waiting
When you need someone to talk to
I'll be here.

In the big city, our eyes are always cast to the ground

Everyday, we bustle and hustle

Striving for a slice of the paper,

the bricks

and the chicks

For once, if only for a a few seconds,

go outside and look into the night sky

Take a break and give it a try

See the most wonderous of creations

See without all that artificial light

Be enraptured by the mystic starry sky

Notice the enchanting twilight painting

Appreciate that cosmic tapestry of diamonds

Disconnect from social media, be rooted in the moment to that spot

Put on the brakes, stop pondering your lot

Live in that moment

Its beautiful, isn't it

Dear younger me,

Where do I start? I wish I could tell you everything that I've been through so far; the good, the bad and the ugly. If I knew then, what I know now, there are so many things I would have done differently. Maybe, then you could be one step ahead.

At your age, you are in fine fettle, strong and vibrant.
Were you to see me now, would you recognize me, rugged and weathered as I am? Would you be frightened by the scars on my face, the lines etched into my skin by the hand that life has dealt me? For one such as you, the hollows of dead skin would seem cavernous indeed.
Mind, body and soul, all were not left untouched by the ravages of time.

Life as you will come to realise is not easy. It's like walking a tight rope, over a pit filled with sharp spikes, with no safety net while carrying a balancing a pole with weights attached to the end. The weights represent different burdens at different points in time; choices/consequences, freedom/responsibilities; courage/fear.
It's a nerve wracking experience, balancing all these things.
At times, it seems the easiest thing to do would be to just step of the rope.


A gift or a curse, I do not know. The scars I have reveal the history of the body, mind and soul.
These tokens speak of a great many things; of sorrow, happiness, fear, courage, rage, excitement, pain, love, hate, of grief, of hope.

I know I have strayed quite far from the path you envisioned. But that's ok, I am not the Waymaker. I did not choose the path I tread now.  

However, there is one thing that you wouldn't fail to recognise. The spark of unflinching and unrelenting determination in our eyes. I can't tell you to change your choices because they are the choices that made me as I am now.
Dear younger me, our dream is still alive. Stop thinking too much!
Do your best, pay no heed to the whispers in your head. Just think, if by I am here now, isn't that proof that you've already made it; that you succeeded even when the odds were stacked against you.
Never forget these words;
You are not alone.
You are enough for whomever and for whatever it is you do...you have been and will always be.
This unbreakable puzzle is nothing more than the simplest jigsaw puzzle in the right hands.
And more than anything, have faith in yourself. If you don't believe in yourself, no one will. I have the greatest faith in you, so should you. After all, we are one in the same.



Signed
Your future self.

Is it much of a life without you I wonder
Was there ever much meaning to it
An empty  life
A house of cards
A shelter built with sand
A painting made of dust
So ephemeral in its scope
In time, it would all slowly fall apart

Would that I could trail my fingers down your spine
- Just like I used to
Tracing every curl and curve
-like it was yesterday
Feeling the smoothness of your skin
-marking the bumps and ridge once more
Would that I could

Without you
The whispers, fears and tears are no longer kept away
When the haunting specture of depression rears its head
I find myself sinking into its deep suffocating depths
No more do I feel your sunny warmth on my skin
No more will the sweet nectar that is your voice be ferried to my ears
With you I never despaired,
Now despair and sorrow are my bedfellows

By the cruel and capricious hands of fate
My heart lies broken and shattered
A thousand icy shards pierce my entire being
I bleed from a thousand cuts deep within my skin
My screams echo in the haunted chambers of my chest
Yet no one can see me bleed
Yet no one can hear me scream
No one......

"Look mummy, I'm flying". Lily cried in her shrill energetic voice as the car passed over a bump in road. Smiling in amusement at her 6 year old daughter in the rear view mirror, Aria said in a tired voice "settle down honey".  Safe in her seatbelt, Lily giggled as she was thrown up briefly as the car hit another bump. She watched to see if another smile would show up on her mother's face but it never did. Sadness and fear seemed to hang heavily on her mother. Lily bit her lips. Maybe she shouldn't have told her mom that she had seen daddy.

Aria kept an eye on the antics of Lily as she drove. Her child, her baby. It amazed her how such a wonderful creation could come from a foul being like Simon. Her heart seized for a second as a flash of light brought Lily's face into clear ciew view for a moment and her face morphed into that of Simon. "She looks so much like him". Fate had given her 3 years of happiness after years of pain with Simon. A newspaper clipping on the dashboard flapped in the wind as the car sped on the bridge. On the front page, the words "Simon the Butcher has escaped " screamed at her. "I won't let you have my baby Simon" Aria whispered to herself. Taking her hands off the wheel, she popped open the pill box and shakingly poured a few pills into her hands. "Mummy , what are those?", Lily asked with a quizzical look on her face. "They're just some Vitamins honey, have some. A sad tinged smile touched her lips as she watched Lily ***** up her face and swallow the offered pills. With tears in her eyes, she pressed her foot on the gas pedal. The car struck the ramp and sped off the bridge. Briefly weightless as the car hung in the air, Aria heard Lily's dazed voice " Look mummy, I'm flying".

I don't swear much
Its a vow solemn made, a rule to keep
No greater reason drives this oath
Not moral, not spiritual..nothing
Cussing seems so basic and ******
My language must be pristine
Immaculate
Swearing is so crass
An inadequate emotional response
I would rather be unfeeling,
Passive
Controlled
But now
My world is upside down
Words bubble in my throat
Ready to burst out
I want to push the gates open
And revel in profanity unbound


Everything is ******
My whole world is upside down and it's rough
No one gives a ****
Life is so ******* hard.
Its an absolute shitfest
But I am a man
Men don't cry
Men don't ***** about our woes
Men must bear our suffering stoicly
Yet try and try as we do
The weight of the world crushes us
We're weary
I feel like ****
I ache so deeply in body and mind
I am a man
And i know
That men break quietly..on the inside
I feel like an absolute ******
A cockup
I bleed in silence

Everything is a big ******* mess
**** me, I can't catch a break
Even when I am **** drunk
This stinking shitpile of worries and sorrows never disappears
****!
****!
****.



Pardon my French.

She who walks in beauty, swaddled in a cloak of velvet elegance.

She who walks in beauty; from whom the mirror hides its face, fearful of being snared by her captionless grace.

She who walks in beauty, your smile of many colors speaks of  wondrous treasures.

She who walks in beauty, i wish i could forever bask in the sunshine of your smile

He stood under a tree and gazed blankly at the full moon and the clouds that drifted across the sky. A cold wind blew through the tree and rustled the leaves. He shivered as the chill in the wind seeped into his bones. A terrible silence was all around him. It was deafening.

He sighed. His heart thumped awkwardly and weakly in his chest. He placed a hand on his chest, feeling an ache in his heart. His bones felt brittle like that of an elderly man. The creeping tendrils of loneliness moved in his chest, stabbing, gripping and squeezing his heart mercilessly.

He felt cold inside. He wanted to shout, to dance, to sing, to do something to show that he was still there......anything to ease the ache in his chest. But like the sleeping world, She too had abandoned him for worlds unknown  

He studied the formation of the clouds, the thorn of a new thought pricking at his mind. An image filled his mind like the blooming of a flower. He could see their conversations earlier, hear her words, sense the gentle smile in her voice. His mouth curved upwards into the familiar shape of a smile. Slowly, he felt heat radiating from his chest, thawing th1e ice that shrouded his heart. Despite the chill in the air, he felt warm all the way to tip of his toes.

He chuckled softly to himself at his own foolishness and walked back inside, where she waited patiently for him with a smirk on her ethereal face, as if she had never left.

The road you're on might take you there;to that place you want to be, that place you need to be.
Too many thoughts of the self and not the other
Maybe you're asking too much of the Road.
It's doing it's best, .riddled with trenches and potholes
Everyone cringes when asked to pay the toll
Despite its pitted surface,
it still manages to provide enough traction for the countless people plying its body;
Some on foot; some in beaten down cars; some in luxury machines.
Truth is, all of you are the same.
You take, use and abuse and you still feel no shame.
The road is always there for you.
Think about that for a second.
You may have a choice in what you do and where you want to go
But the Road doesn't and it is always there for you

For the longest time, I have felt this constant need to ensure that I had control of every situation.  As much as possible, i try to account for every detail...my mind flits over the tiniest possibilities to ensure that whenever I take a particular step, I am aware of every possible outcome.
As you can imagine....any preconceived plan or idea usually falls apart when other uncontrollable elements come into play...the biggest of which are Human beings. I sought to make of myself an immovable rock in the dizzying tides of time, change by dint of human effort alone.
......It did not pan out well.
And as a rock in the bed of a river is slowly weathered by the rushing flow of water, my will, strength and focus withered with the passing of time.
Every unexpected happening threw me for a loop and I was left reeling from one moment to the next in a dizzying whirlwind of uncontrollable events.
Soon enough i stopped trying to account for everything and just allowed myself to drift listlessly from one day to the next.

But I realized that there was a better way. I could just let go. As I've heard so many times there's freedom in surrender. I realised that I was not a Rock of Gibraltar unto myself. I could not stand tall against the forces of time and change and expect to be immovable.
Maybe I could ease my tight grip on everything. Like a grass stalk sways in the wind, rather than stand tall and fight against the winds of time and change, why not lean into the wind and allow it to flow over me; why not bend and sway with the breeze like stalks of grass in the field; why not drift and dance in the wind like a leaf. With strong roots, I could bend and not break. There was anxiety, fear, discomfort.. yes. But there was also palpable relief in just letting go and surrendering your fate to forces greater than your own. You may be the Captain of your ship, but you have no control over the winds and the tides and sometimes you just have to let go and be free. And like Odysseus, though the winds will take you to places unknown and you may experience both joy and woe in unequal proportions...you will still be carried home.
Hopefully, I can find my way home faster than Odysseus did...just maybe.

When I was young, I used to think I was good
That I was smart, wise, moral
I used to think I knew the right answers
To all the right questions.
I used to think I was Invincible that I could do anything.
Be anything.
Worst of all, I used to think i could do no wrong.
Or hurt anybody I truly cared about
I was wrong.

When we're young,we're often praised for our fearlessness
We don't look before we leap.
We march into danger with smiles on our faces, steel in our bones and a song in our hearts.
And like Icarus, we see only the glory of our destination,
We feel only the wind in our sails spurring us forward, sending us soaring in open skies.
We burn our lives ferociously because we do not yet know the taste of tragedy.
And burn we did, you and I.

It begun not with a spark,  
but like a wildfire,
An all consuming blaze that swept through my life and cleansed the hollowed out and raw parts of my soul.
For days on end, your laugh, your mischievous smile, your soft yet attentive gaze filled my every thought
I yearned to bask in the light of your presence
At night, i yearned to hear the sound of your voice
I felt giddy at our awkward flirtations, our late night meetings under the moon, our dawn walks before the world awoke
I cherished our conversations about the travails of Harry Potter, the rap/pop genius of Post Malone, the heart wrenching yet upbeat melodies of one direction and all the nerdy little things that we never had the chance to fully express with anyone
In your eyes,
In your voice,
I felt no judgment for who or what i was
In your presence, I felt safe,
I felt like myself

When we're young, everything feels new, different.
I didn't know the extent of this feeling of wanting to be with you all the time
I never questioned nor guessed what it meant
I never understood the effort you took to spend time with me
I knew it took alot out of you
I knew it took time, money and you put yourself at risk
I should have known.....I should have
I was falling in love, but I never could admit that thought to myself.
That was my folly
That was my downfall.


When we're young, we're often blind to our faults
Caught between two impossible choices, I made a decision I hope only exist in this universe and not in any other parallel or alternate universes.
I have to hope that somewhere out there, someone did not commit the same folly I did
The road to hell is paved with good intentions
I thought I was doing the right thing in letting you go
But I only ended up causing you pain beyond what I could comprehend
I acted the fool and the coward and I shattered what we were building into pieces
Never to be rebuilt.