Her mind is loud with language never spoken
Peering into the world as it swims through its fishbowl
With a gleaming silver sword, she fights the monsters within
Brave enough to live life differently
She sets out on a voyage: an infinite quest for knowledge
Picking facts like flowers
And weaving them into her tapestry of understanding
Her only true ally is herself
She is independent, invincible
Crying tears than aren’t hers: always emotionless
Mysterious to even herself
And as quickly as she came, she will go
She sees things differently
Understands how everything functions together
How everything is everything
How relative it all is
She is the universe, we all are
And when she dies, she will continue to exist

when people are in love
they often say
they simply fell
tripped over their own two feet
face forward
and into the arms of their beloved

i did more than simply fall
onto the ground of your love

you, for me
were an ocean
and i dived
headfirst
roughly
harshly
almost painfully
into the waters of “you”

i knew i could not swim
but i did so anyway
i was drowning
entangled in you
surrounded by this being of “you”
engulfed in this feeling of “you”

and i did not know what came over me
but i let myself drown
i did not try to swim back up
because if i went back to land,
releasing myself from your grasp
that would mean losing the feeling of “you”

and after
submerging into the depth
the love
the passion
of “you”

how could i ever leave?

I have a hole
Inside my chest
I try to fill it up.
With voice
With words
With love
With dodie tickets.

Nothing sticks.

Like glitter in the wound,
I bleed out.

I am at my wit's end
I just want to shut down and hide from the entire world
I can't continue ******* people off
I can't keep talking about my problems
to sort out emotions as I feel them
I can't keep reaching out to people
who have their lives on track
It's not fair for me to cause stress for other people
I can't even describe how I feel anymore
It's more than depression
It's worse than anxiety
It's something unknown
It isolates me
It confuses the **** out of me
It causes me to feel out of my skin
to the point I want to rip myself apart
I don't want to discuss it
I don't want to see a doctor for it
I just want it to go away
The possibility of me being dead by thirty does not surprise me
I am starting to understand the peace those suicide "experts" talk about
The peace
when you make the choice to die
how all of your emotional turmoil just disappears
Maybe I am becoming suicidal again
I don't know
I am so through with thinking
I don't want to die
but I can't keep living a life full of dead ends

To my poor damaged heart
I'm sorry that you feel things so deeply
Every time you see a person in pain
you become so weak that it makes your job of keeping me alive so much more stressful
I'm sorry I didn't listen to you when you tried to warn me about that ******* back when I was eighteen
Instead I ignored you and allowed him to break you into pieces with an emotional hammer
I'm sorry that I kept you in a box for three years
when all you wanted was to be felt,
to be heard,
to be given the freedom to beat so loud
the world couldn't help but stop and listen to what you had to say
I'm sorry for not giving you the time you needed to heal properly
when every man you trusted bruised you with words
that still bring tears to my eyes when I am left alone with my thoughts for too long
I am sorry that I tossed you at the first person I thought could save me
when it was me who had the ability to save myself all along
Most importantly I am so sorry that now that I have set you free from your box you are too damaged to do all of the things you wanted to do for a long time
You're so terrified of being handled with any kind of care because you fear you won't survive the next time someone gets tired of me and decides to drop you as you shatter to pieces on the floor
I am so sorry for being a disappointment
and not taking better care of you
My poor damaged heart
I am sorry
I am so so sorry


I blamed some of my past personal pain on people when in reality I was the cause of some of the pain I went through. I made certain choices that forced me to face serious consequences. It's true that people have hurt me but I also hurt myself by letting my pain have control over my life. I kept punishing myself for so long over things that happened years ago. I am learning to forgive myself. It's not easy but I think it's time I allowed myself to be happy again.