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Joliver Apr 2020
I trust you
To do this right
I'd ask someone else
I trust you

I trust you
Not to leave me behind
I'd go with someone else
I trust you

I trust you
To keep my secrets
I'd tell someone else
I trust you

I trust you
Not to break my heart
I could love someone else
I trust you

I love you
More than you could know
I could trust someone else
I love you
I love you
I'm not sure who this is about
Joliver Apr 2020
In my first and final year
Of higher education
At a party of familiarity
I did not aspire to find my limits
And yet
I exceeded them
And lay in a whirlwind,
At the night's close,
Which ****** the air from my lungs
As I forgot how to breathe

Avaricious sirens bore down and
Led me to water
Hooked into my veins
So I couldn't refuse to drink
And a doctor told me
That there were always better options
Than drinking myself away
I grinned and laughed
As if the very idea were preposterous
And yet, couldn't look him in the eyes
"Trust me,"
I assured the man
"That isn't the plan"

The truth is I never had a plan
No grand scheme
To end my suffering
I just slowly taught myself
Not to to take care
To cut myself off
From my lifelines
So that when I did finally find my limit
I wouldn't have far to jump

...but, truthfully
I never wanted to jump
I wanted some calamitous wind
In the form of a stranger
To come along and push

Yet, against all odds
For reasons I cannot discern
I've found
Those who wander into my life
Don't push, but pull
Pull me down from that precipice
Sometimes on accident, or
With intent
Of saving a life
But no matter how grateful I am
To be held and reassured
I always find myself back
Overlooking the sea of my past mistakes
Ready to drown myself
In the towering waves of regret

I wish I could find life worth living
On my own
For myself
But, I find myself living for them
Those who hang on to me
Keeping me balanced
Keeping me
From finding my limits
And for now that's enough
That's enough
Joliver Apr 2020
Panic, anger, sorrow
(i can't breathe)
Hold it under, choke 'til it's gone
(can't breathe)
Push it down, move on
(don't think)
Don't stop
(don't think)
Where you went wrong
(how did i get it so wrong?)

Make it through the day
And don't stop moving
(don't stop running)
Don't you know you're in the way?
(i'm in the way, in the way)
"Apathy is the way to make it through the day"
Joliver Mar 2020
They say that it's not the destination that matters
It's the journey you take to get there
And I tend to agree
As I sit in my car
Hand on the key
Hesitant to turn my haven off
Dreading completing my trip

So, I sit here
Listening to the songs
That bare my soul like a mirror
And I find myself wishing
That the rolling landscape would never end
That point B were farther away
The weight lessens when I leave
And comes crashing down as I arrive
Maybe I'm just in a state of perpetual flight
Always running
From who I was
And what I've done
But the destination is never far enough away
The man behind me always catches up
He always catches up
I always catch up
I started writing this more than two years ago. I don't know whether to laugh or cry that nothing has changed between now and then
Joliver Nov 2019
And so I sit here
Burning my plans
My hopes, dreams, and aspirations
All, just keep warm
So that this cog in the machine
Can keep on spinning
Just one more day
Just one more day
Joliver Sep 2019
I'm tired
You know?
And just so very
Joliver May 2019
It hits unexpectedly
Coming in waves
Sometimes in my dreams
Or in my waking days

It feels like a pin dropping
And holding your breath for the sound
My heart rate accelerates
And then sinks to the ground

I don't know how to stop living in the past
I never thought
This limbo I'm in would last
But everytime my mind drifts to you
My limbs grow heavy
And my heart breaks in two

My life is weary
My future is full of dread
I loathe who I have been
God I wish he were dead
Things aren't turning out like I expected. Most days are okay, but I don't know where I'm heading
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