As I sit and stare
From my lonely bar chair
While enjoying a casual captain and coke
filling the room with my cigarette smoke
I notice that, in my lonesome, dreary world
I am but a seed among redwoods

I cant comprehend the conundrum that is life
I've been at the edge of the reapers scythe
Caving in to the pressure and strife
Living under the dim, florescent bar lights.

I didn't come from a broken home
But I did create one of my own
In my mind, where no light shone,
In the deepest sanctum, my awareness had undergrown

I sheltered myself, locked away in a cage
Any thoughts of moving on I saved for another page.
I wrapped around the idea that I couldn't make it out on life's stage
21 was the end of the line for me
And going any further I had forbade

But, before I had realized
I rose from the ashes
Overcame the obstacles
And really took in life as is passed

Each fleeting memory I had I grasped it
I now understand how i got here
I've turned my life around, the drugs, the *****, the pain and everything that masked it
I trashed it. I dont want it, I dont need to have it

Here I am.
Moments in front of my parents garage
Suitcases packed,
Friends and family arrive to send me off with a "bon voyage"

I finally got it
The key to happiness was right in front of me
I've had it all along but somewhere I had lost it
I dont know why it was so difficult to see

It's that, we pave our own paths
And anything that is trying to stop us
Is only temporary,
We may hurt from the mistakes in our past
But as long as you are able to get up and own who you are now
Then you will forever be set free

I'm transparent like a window
but I'm prone to keeping curtains closed
to cover up my youthful,
aching, naked soul.

I used to be promiscuous;
my essence on my sleeve.
a charming laugh; a crystal glass
from which many a fool drew drink.

A chalice of life;
warm like cinnamon wine,
soft like angel's delight.
Beheld by every eye.

But it never felt right;
I was smoke off a fire,
yet still smouldering coal.
Just a young, beautiful

byproduct of desire.
There's no smoke without fire.
Although, I tried to fan it cool;
the flames ran only wilder.

But as the old wind blows, it seems
a withered tree still grows new leaves.
A dandelion spreads its seeds
but they lie far away from me.

Now, I move transcluently-
ultraviolet invisible ink-
I speak in soothing whispers;
they travel further than you'd think.

The more I live
The more I see
That my heart is
But a big cemetery

The words are my legs
Exploring the tombs
I can see guilty digging another grave

Sadness and bitterness
Are drinking wine
Smoking a cigarette
After ***
Naked by the tombs

Happiness mourning at the side
Of a coffin
I think it was her daughter
Self esteem

I sit, and think
The rain starts falling
The guilty looks at me
Her penetrating eyes

Needless to say
That the grave this time
Was mine

How can I live with the guilt?
How did I walk away from the love we built?
Silence surrounds her and her lonesome cries
While I drown in regret knowing how I left wasnt right.

They tell me you dont miss her
You just miss the routine
Which is easy to say knowing I didn't have to see her face
As I told her goodbye from miles away

And now, one month deep
It still doesn't feel real
I guess I'll forgive myself
But I dont think I'll ever forget how I made her feel

Write,
It's such a delight.
Read,
Your mind must feed.
Live,
To gather and give.
Love,
To start from above.

Wrap me up in your hair strands
Gaze that lift me
(Sink me)
Drowned in your arms
Salty waters
Scarce pearls

A glimpse of your body
Singing notes in the deep
Your voice

Suicide

A drowned
Dead by desire
Your arms
Shaping my ascension
A soul blended
In the moon reflex
A lost shell of flesh
Temptation

Aesthetic melancholy
Observing you from afar
Maze of desperation
Slave of a deep desire
Taken and brought
By waves and winds
By echoes that transfigures
Into hollowness

The hope to delight myself
With your sing at the hillside
Wasted life
Filled by your absence

The moon smiles to me
And luck laughs with you
Sat by an ocean
Of flesh shells

I would like sometimes
To just up and leave
Be gone till no one
Is out looking for me
A secret hiding place
That only I can keep
Off in the distance
A fading memory

Holding onto the whisper
That's never heard from again
Unfolding the map
That leads to Neverland
Embracing the fact
No one knows who I am
And if there's anything left
I'll leave even that

Escape from the place
That I was last seen
Permanently erase
All thoughts of me
Change every trace of my name
You would ever care to think
Do all this and call
Myself history