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Sep 2016 · 396
Addictions and Dreaming
M Sep 2016
The mind forgets the blueprint pain of the drug and will only remember the difference and distortion it enables. A new pattern of reality that leaves behind the mundane and prosaic of chatter and routine that we die to escape. And when awoken the next day it craves the difference and excitement that only comes in stride with chemical pain.
"The question is frequently asked: Why does a man become a drug addict? The answer is that he usually does not intend to become one. One morning you wake up sick and you're an addict."
I understand. I do. I woke up our first morning in love with you and spent the next 86,400 minutes of my life trying to find a way to tell you. Now, I soak my roses in Gin and Jack Daniels and that is the only way they'll live. I watched the entire world fall to rubble in front of me one night, and I saw you rebuild it from the ash the next day. The last four moments of my dreams this morning before waking, I spent lying next to you. You told me I had a massive nose and you smiled because you laugh at your own jokes, and you play card games that you don't know how to play so you slam your cards down when ever you feel like it with the confidence of someone who had just won the entire universe even when you had nothing. You are the girl that someone will write about for the rest of their lives, because you looked perfect in a sweater, and the color red was made just for you, and you looked lovely while you were looking, and maybe you didn't win the world, but you did become mine. I know I created the glass case housing the hardships keeping you from me, but you kept your gentle eyes on my shattering soul. You watched me as my breath started to catch. And I need you to know that there is fear that my heart may stop in my sleep, and the bottle that my life pours from may cap. But until then and after, I will keep gentle eyes on your silver bathed soul. I will watch you as your breaths deepen each time. I will use my love to keep you here and alive. Even after all of the mess, you still looked beautiful. Always better than had been, never less. The moment before I woke you kissed me and it played over..
"She imagines him imagining her. This is her salvation."
  -This is my salvation.  -To wake to you and watch the sun burn the night alive.

My dreams this morning were... something. And I thought of this piece. Out of everything I've done, this portrays my soul most. -And at the end of everyday, I leave the world behind on my way home to you.
Sep 2016 · 860
The Cafe
M Sep 2016
There were 100 people
Complete strangers
And they might as well have been shadows
The room might as well have been void of light
Because I close my eyes and there is only you
Burned to the back of my lids

         I tell this story about the way you never leave my mind
        And the way I couldn't hide it if I tried
        My fingers bleed
        My heart has found a new home in my stomach
        And you're still the only thought
        That my mind can find peace next to

                Here is where suffering smiles
                And the grass is green under all of our foot steps
                              And war doesn't stand a chance
                                                   Not even if it is all we have left
These Strings Are My Castle.
M Sep 2016
These exits no longer lead to anywhere
7a is a foreign language.
Now, like the collection of ultra violet
That belonged to our masks every morning,
There is nothing more beautiful
Than the way the sun sets on your shoulder blades

I chase these seas while the universe chases you

To my inspiration
Whether that would be through my never ceasing heartache
Or the simple and inescapable love
The moment you fall for her soul, you are ******
You will be stuck in fifteen minute increments
Of convincing yourself that the world is a big place
With even bigger people
You'll take a left instead of a right
Get off the bus a stop too early
Do whatever the hell you please
Like I said, once you fall for her soul
You are ******* doomed
You will wake every day damning whatever gods you believe in
You will love her until the seas swallow the earth
And you will keep loving her into your own oblivion
At the end of days

Bottle up the entirety of whatever you are, and I will drown myself in you.
Take me back, or bring me forward. Where ever you are, I am in love with you.
M Sep 2016
Faucets for tear ducts. There is no hot and there is no cold. Just somewhere that all of the time away from you goes and eventually there's just too much and it spills over. Every window is fogged and it's only been raining inside for weeks. I ruined my own roses. That's all I've ever really known how to do. I swerved my car right through the yard and turned the garden to a grave. Something I am sure of is that we will always be the ones to spend most nights getting drunk with our bathroom floors. And that is why I sit hollow eyed and high every night. Waiting for a moment to transcend. Tiredness brought the beginning of understanding. Understanding brought the beginning of the end. I hope to find an answer. It's haunting never knowing why my heart wants something that doesn't make sense. I hope today is the last day I have to wake up loving someone who does not love me back. I held onto the static before the sounds of the line being severed. And then you were yesterday, like any piece of you that was ever me.
M Aug 2016
My sleepy sweet; the way you would wake in the middle of the night
I loved you most then.
I wish I would've told you that it was only because you were stationary
and there with me..
and I think I have grown accustom to telling you that you're beautiful
in the times you'll least remember.
My Midnight snack; and without a break in pace
you'd fall back into the deepest sleep from the mountain
top to the fields below as if you were
simply stepping off the curbs back into your busy streets.
My passerby; I couldn't tell you
how long I have spent admiring you in the moments
right after you'd disappear into your fantasies.
I don't know whether time flew by, or slowed down,
or stopped all together.
Honestly, I didn't care.
It didn't matter if time was precious, or if time was money,
or if time was priceless. It was mine
and you were mine, and I will spend every single fraction
of every single dollar on every single second in between seconds,
on you. All of the seconds that take too long
and those that leave too soon.

I am going to sit with the sun and we'll talk about
our moons until they break the horizon of the places the sun and I will never know.
Everyday and every night we will sit at the center of the universe and love our moons
with sound waves or in silence.
And in sound waves he will know how I'll love you into the end of days
and in my silence he will know where I am in my day dream states.
My Day Dreamer; waking up from your anytime slumbers,
unaware that the entire universe and I had been with you all along. My sleepy sweet in our sleepy sheets,
ever since you had first woken from your dreams beside
me, my dreams have been waking up to me.
Fill the places wearing thin inside of my shell.
All of my doors have lost their ways.
All of my windows are broken,
because I am broken, and they know my pains like
I know their panes.
I want to keep your heart safe behind my bones
right next to mine. I want to look at you
without knowing, completely
lost in all that is you,
and I want you to catch me in that place I go.
More than anywhere I have ever been, that place is my home.
It Always Will Be.
Where ever you are, I am in love with you. - Unorthodox writing, in unorthodox templates from my unorthodox mind.
Aug 2016 · 651
Paper place
M Aug 2016
The thing is the love
   of your life can make
mistakes and break your
      heart and you lose them
     because they lose you and
your heart breaks all over again
I am deep inside a collection of streets
                  and blank signs somewhere
I've never been before.
              In different times I just want to
     do different things
and right here
                                                holding hands with the clocks,

            I just want to find my way home.
Where ever you are, I am in love with you
Aug 2016 · 443
Void of Vacancy
M Aug 2016
Maybe I'll become a poet or a famous writer someday
And I'll travel the world and give people
my name in sloppy fonts
They'll tell me how they loved my book
or ask me questions of new work
but
the truth is
that there is only one book
There is only one giant hole
and even if I wanted another
for the sake of new work
there just is no room for that inside of me
Hope laced with the thought that
maybe someday you'll want to roll over to see the sun on my face again
Seeing your name among billions at a hundred miles an
hour
I sit here now and I know that while I am
away, my best work will always be my letters home to you
Where ever you are, I am in love with you.
Jun 2015 · 362
A Bed made of car hoods
M Jun 2015
I guess it's safe for me to say that I'm just taking chances these days. Spending time chasing lines of lies across my floor because promises dont hold comfort like before. I'd probably walk the sky if I could because these sidewalks never lead anywhere good. I think when I said I'd take on the world, the world misunderstood. The ones left in the dark are the easiest to see. Everyone in lights just look the same to me. Let them gather like sheep in their big city suites. That leaves more space for us to be free. I'm wrapping words around the ears of the smaller people with bigger dreams, I just hope that you can hear me and you know how much it will always mean. I live in the shadows of paper shears cutting from my heart to my finger tips. We work for bills to pay our bills, we can't breathe because we can't afford it. I think I would fly if I could because walking never leads where it should. The crooked streets signs in my home town and the broken streets that brought me down. Today I take my time I waste and name it "here and now" my strength is in my soul and will last as long as time allows. I want you all to listen close so that you'll always know that we'll always have our flaws and they're always gonna show. I guess I'll never be perfect but I'll surely get close
and close is close enough. What good would a world of perfect people be anyway? There would be nothing and no one left to appreciate. And all of my life I've been making mistakes but I promise that I'll find myself and I'm sorry for the time it takes.
We're broken people. And I don't know where I'd go in front of you to hide my soul, because you're the only one that knows it.
Apr 2015 · 304
Hours..
M Apr 2015
Of staring at a blank page that usually floods itself with ink without thought, and all I've got is "I just want to have a normal life again."  For the first time in months I woke up only to go back to sleep. With you, reality will be fractions of the tiniest bit of time that you use me to make yourself feel a little less lonely while reassuring me that I'm something more to you, and the overwhelming amount of time that you leave me wondering why I didn't trust myself when I said I knew you better than that. I've never had a problem admitting that I am a ****** person. The only difference now is that I'm not. Now, I am a mixture of ****** up so bad that I'm good and a constant struggle to find humanity in the people I walk past each day. I am kind and soft. I have a hunger to heal suffering and I suffer in cases I fail to do so. Compassion driven in such a way that beautiful days are all it'll ever take to keep my heart beating. But not today. Today is a dark crater I'm naming after you. You're not exactly the root of all evil, but you're surely one of its branches. You'd have to be to dish out tickets to these doldrum's you never fail to put me in. This is where the dark person I was had manifested. This exact feeling. I have no blame to place on you. You either wouldn't care or would be hurt by the fact, and I am no longer the same person I was. I'll sooner hurt every day of my life before I'd assign pain to another ever again. The thing is that if I don't have to hurt then I would like not to. Do me a favor.. The next time you see me in your less important thoughts, as an irrelevant extra in your least exciting dreams, or walking down the street as a face you just so happened to see, just put your head down and keep walking by. I don't have the strength to keep digging my self from beneath your feet where you leave me.

...It has been a few hours now and I can finally finish this. I spent this time trying to find my way out of this maze that is made of yesterday and I've landed on her. A tiny body dressed in blonde hair and blue eyes. I could hear her voice echo throughout this trap I've been stuck inside of. Our conversations of favorite colors and people and places we want to go. The way our shades changed the way we saw the sun, how we love butterflies, and how we will fly just like them someday. How could I forget that you were my lantern. A piece of my true North I follow to find my way home. How could I forget, Brook, that you were the other half of my soul.
Its taken me almost thirty years to do for others what she's done for me in just four. She may be so much smaller than I, but her dreams and aspirations are so much bigger than mine will ever be. Today is beautiful and it's because of you that I can walk through this door and breathe with these things that keep me breathing.
I've witnessed miracles in my lifetime. It just so happens that I've held hands with a few of them. Just know that if you are ever hollow, then I will be right there hollow with you.
May 2014 · 499
New.
M May 2014
Job. New apartment. An extra room for me to paint and write by my window with a view of the various flower budding trees. For now I'm going to use my light table for eating my home made Caesar salad instead of sketching,  and I'm going to use my canvas stand for this bag of Swedish fish that I'm gonna eat after this salad is gone. This isn't beautiful to you, but if you understood my life for the past year, you'd understand why my own place, a job, and a room where I can paint is the most beautiful thing I've seen in a long while.
M Apr 2014
We take this skin that shines with all of its cells in their perfect place
Over the skin with flaws, smooth to touch, and unforgettable.
That girl would rather have a perfect image.
She'll settle for using her senses one by one
But I would rather see her scars and remember the way
They pushed my fingers from the hills of her imperfect bone structure
Majority rules in favor of the freshly paved roads
And we bat eyes at the dirt trails where they began
This girl has a car and it runs so smoothly over those black-topped streets
I can't pull my eyes away from the earth colored lines
Passing through the creases of these old, tattered maps
When did carving our loves into trees
And loose dirt become so irrelevant
Those who make mistakes and change
Are beneath those who never get caught in them
So they don't have to change
No one will see them any different
I don't have a fancy car. I want to live in a time
Where hopping trains was the only way to
Get from point a to b
I miss opening doors for a woman being a must
I want a love that sets an entire town in a rage
And mobs made of fire chase us to the edge
Of the woodland mountains and I want them to stare
Directly into these eyes of ours and hope they understand
If she jumps then I'll jump, and if she burns, I'll burn to ash with her
I don't know where we lost the fact that these physical
Pains are only temporary. I often wonder when we lost ourselves
The only thing I know is my soul is permanent
The only fire or fall that could break and burn me
Are those hidden inside of her
Lay the good in the shadows. Leave our favorite words unsaid
Sit the best books together on dusty shelves
We've forgotten..
Shed light on our dusty shells and leave
The most temporary beauty to the highest priorities
Even over the hands we hold that fuse our
Eternal pieces together for good
A few good days chosen over our favorite set of lips.
Please, just wake me up when this is over.
I heard a word today. Realizations. Is it normal for someone to think of a single person because of such an irrelevant word in the center of such an irrelevant sentence? A word rarely in use. The name of a poem with words that create cradles around my limbs. The sense of security I feel when my eyes trace the curves of these simple letters, unaccompanied by any but themselves as a whole, is invincible. As said within these words, they kiss my cheek so that I would feel safe. So that even while I sleep, I know that I am loved. All you know of me is the immense, immortally seeming, love that I've had for a single person that had stood out in a crowd billions.  I had no intention to talk about this girl that I always mention. I guess it would be helpful to tell you that I also over think everything. I heard a song on my way to class today and naturally I thought of her. It reminded me that I'll always think of her. I'm not afraid of death. I'm afraid of not seeing it coming. I'm afraid to die loving her. I live for the pains that wake me from a dead sleep. I hope that someone sees the freckle on her lip. I hope they know that she's an amazing writer. I pray that they take the time to find which way her arms curl in theirs and I hope that it's uncomfortable because it will mean more. I hope that when she makes it home that there are surprises waiting for her and I hope they give her a family to create together and I hope some nights they stay awake just so that she can sleep. I want today to be the last day I wake up believing it's my last. I hope tomorrow is the last day I wake up loving someone who does not love me. She is not a bad person. She's wonderful and she's living. Where ever she stops spinning, I hope they make it worth her time. Now all I think is that I need to stop thinking, but I know now that there will always be those  songs that remind me of her. Summer will always be the season I fell in love and long drives during warms nights or empty hours of the morning will always be spent staining the roadways with thoughts of her. This is my life and love is eternal.
Apr 2014 · 532
I just want you to know.
M Apr 2014
I could sit here in the city with my guitar and sing mayday parade with strangers all diggity day long.

And I wrote something new I'll post soon. I hope you like it. I can finally freely write. It's the beautiful weather. That's enough love in itself, and at night the backyard and the breeze is so much more welcoming these days. Even when I'm alone.
I thought I could live in your arms, and spend every moment I have with you. Stay up all night with the Stars. Confess all the faith that I had in you.
M Apr 2014
You gave me these words in a dream I had. My skin and bones met with lime and cement and it seems that I could only bleed inside the places that I used to feel were home. I'll miss the view from this park bench with you, I can feel it in my throat. Take on the breezes that you're carrying and capture all the time you've shared with me, like my photographs in silver baths I took of you climbing trees in the heart of your hometown. I'll be swimming in the sound remains parading through my brain, you're the heart inside my memories and you live within my veins. And search the stars on which I wish for a new set of lips that aren't embedded with the taste of you from times we would kiss. "Keep your chin up" they say. And so I do.. each day, while I long for looking down to see my hands around your waist again. The clouds just move to fast to make out their shapes anymore and my eyes are sore from looking through blank pages I could disappear into until I fall asleep. I'll keep up with my promises, I said you'd never be alone and if I'd die before I wake up, all of me is yours to make your home.
Just stay right here and I'll help you find your way.
It's been three years since our birth filled with laughter, smiles, pain, and hurt. I spent the past year with you falling for the birds, and if all of this ends with my broken heart, I'll know that it was worth it. It would take all I have within to never see your face again. The only way I'll see the world is looking in your eyes, and I'll only watch the crescent moons when thinking of your smile. I'll never sail the currents that don't take me off my feet, and I'll never be the mountain coast until you are the sea. If fate brings you back my way through wrong turns on sunny days, I hope you'll hear this song and play it on repeat. Know I'll always love the letters put together that you've sent me, and I'll only love this poetry whenever you are my pen ink. You gave me these words in a dream I once had, it seems my skin and bones have met with the place they are meant to be, with you.
Find what you love and let it **** you. Let it drain you of your all. Let it cling onto your back and weigh you down into eventual nothingness. Let it **** you and let it devour your remains. For all things will **** you, both slowly and fastly, but it’s much better to be killed by a lover.
Mar 2014 · 617
This is the day..
M Mar 2014
I’m used to things falling on me. They fall, and every time, it hurts. That’s why this day is so special to me. This day is different. It’s kind of like those rare times when you hit your shin really ******* the coffee table or the corner of your bed frame, and you close your eyes and clench your teeth to get ready for the pain to come, but it never does because this time you hit it just right. This is the day I lived solely for her, as if I had no other purpose for breathing. As if the oxygen surrounding me, filling my lungs, was more mine right then, than it had ever been before. I was always afraid of moving too fast because I’d lose my footing and my hands, preventing me from catching myself at all, were filled with all I held on to. It was all I had. I do admit, despite my fears, I was enticed by the way the city looked during the night at hundreds of miles per hour. So, she took my hand and we made our way through the busy streets. All of the strangers and lights were nothing but blending colors and blurs with progressively fading edgework, and the way it all reflected from her eyes like film on a bulb-lit, glass-plated projector, was incomparably beautiful.
In these moments the silent parts of my being swallowed me whole, and from one second to another I knew I had found my home within you. This is the day I held your hand all night just so you’d know, then and there, you were safe with me. I pulled my heart from my chest and slid it into the back pocket of your cut-off blue jeans because I couldn’t find a better way to tell you I loved you. On this day, I carried you to that place made of steam clouds that can be anything you want and I wrapped you in my arms with hopes you knew I wouldn’t move an inch without you. I had whispered to you while you slept because I needed you to know that my entire soul had always belonged to you. This is the day that you saw me from the ground as I wandered through the stars, and as I fell, I closed my eyes and clenched my teeth, but there was no pain. I fell for you just right.
Lately I've realized how easy it's always been to love you. If i was meant to, then I want to. Even if I wasn't meant to, I want to. This day, I know I'll continue to want you to stay and I'm positive I'll ask you to be here with me, and I'm positive that you won't give up your exciting life for me. Nothing else has ever stopped me from wanting you, as it will be now also. The worst day of my life is the day you packed and moved away, and it hasn't even happened yet. I'll try again, like I always do. And I will fail, like I always have.  I hope you always have a reason to smile, and I hope it helps you forget my name.  I wouldnt want you to ever feel this way.
Mar 2014 · 774
I'm smarter than this..
M Mar 2014
I know what I should do. I know because you're not here right now, and I know you're somewhere else with someone else. I know if I meant what I need to mean to you,  if you loved me the way I need you to, you would be right here. I know what's right. I will always love you and every choice has a conclusion and this is ours. Make tonight a step forward to your future. Because it's the last step from me that I can watch you take. I'm afraid I won't be writing here for a while. This was ours and I just can't be here anymore. Not for a little while. Maybe I'll write once more tonight. Just to conclude the beautiful stories of this past year. All my love. Always
Since when has love not been enough? I left a note on your bed, I'm never coming back.
Mar 2014 · 454
My (Secrets) after all
M Mar 2014
I've got a secret I can't share, but You don't know me and
After all,
what good is a secret everyone doesn't know. I've been lying to the world. I haven't written because I didn't need to anymore. I love her, but I found a place I can hide that I don't and it follows me everywhere I go now. Funny, because
After all,
somewhere in hiding is our favorite place to be. I don't know why I'm so addicted to her lips, like cigarettes to mine. But just like chewing gum for nicotine, there's a substitute for the craving of her. Again, she is nothing more than an addiction. Killing me slowly and if I didn't wake up I would've never known, because sometimes it just felt so good to inhale her and,
After all
we're all dying anyway. Our sleeping patterns are just practice for the final, and my sleeping pattern isn't really a pattern at all. I'm mostly awake when the time comes for sleep, so I imagine different worlds I could live in, or I stare at the dark corners of a room because they seem endless enough to create my own.
After all,
she was my entire world, and I'm tired of being alone here, and I'm tired of sharing it with anyone else. I'd like to live somewhere that I'll fit in. Where I'll be enough for that little world of ours. Today, I saw her, and I am tired, and all I wanted was for her to stay home and be who she used to be, while I slept because,
After all
I did fall in love with her while she was sleeping. I remember brushing her hair back and kissing her cheek. From that moment on I knew I'd always love her and my nights could never truly end without me brushing her hair aside and kissing her cheek. I don't know what else I could do. It just happened. She fell asleep and my arm fell asleep but I didn't move. Instead I soaked in as much of her beautiful being as I could, sunk my head into her shoulder blades and fell into dreams along with her. And every time she sleeps so does my arm and I always kiss her and I always fall asleep thinking of that moment happening everyday for the entirety of my life. So, I take back the things I pretend are okay, and I take back pretending I wouldn't let you hurt me forever, because it's worth it. And so I (take back) taking back (my heart), I don't mind.
If you want to find yourself again, then keep writing. That's you. From the day I first knew you until you lost your way.
I love you.
Always.
Feb 2014 · 528
Retitled.
M Feb 2014
By now I'm sure I'm nothing more to you all than the guy who fell in love with a girl that he can't stop writing about. I think I'd be okay with that, because I do love her, and there's nothing that I want you to know about myself more than I want you to know: I want to be whoever she wants me to be. Your books and your inspirational quotes, your mothers and fathers, and friends.. they all tell you to never change who you are just to be with someone else. Well, those people who wrote those books, your friends, your family.. see, they've never known her. I believe in her so much that I think that anyone who does not know her, should. She's not someone that you meet and you think of her as a really good friend, or girlfriend, or just a pretty face. No, she's not that at all. She has this collection of beautiful smiles that ignite her blue eyes, and maybe they only shine because of a build up from her tear ducts when her eyes slightly close, but it doesn't change what it looks like, and it doesn't change the fact that it only happens when she smiles. She has soft cheeks and a freckle on the left side of her bottom lip. Her voice is... Well, to tell you the truth It's hard to think about her voice. It's as clear in my head as it is straight from her vocal chords, and I'd do anything to hear her whisper in my sleep again. I've been dreaming of myself in house fires, and eruptions, and drowning in the sea, and I always wake up reaching frantically for something that's not there, or wanting to run to the nearest exit. My soul will not let me sleep, it can't live without her. So it's been burning my dreams down, and it's been choking me awake. She's exactly like drowning, she's exactly what makes it hard to breathe but easy to know, with her I want to take my last breath. Maybe you still don't understand, but you get to wake up from your nightmares, and I wake up to mine. I want to spend my nights with her and pull her closer in the cold mornings. I'm the type of person who can study medicine and learn to save a life, but she.. she is naturally smart, and she knows how to live. I need that. To live, and with her, that is everyday. I met her while her heart was broken, and since I've wanted to take all those little pieces of her broken heart and keep it safe behind my bones, right next to mine. This is something I love doing. Writing. Regardless, I'll always want to write, and change the world, and I'll always love her. Her- An endless sky with billions of galaxies made of billions of stars, she is the eruption inside of me. Our universe itself will even come to an end. That is inescapable. The hydrogen will eventually be burned to nothing and stars will no longer be born. As the last diamond dies out, the infinite darkness will consume all we've known and everything will turn cold, but I'm not afraid. Not with her. Long after our bodies become a part of this dying world, my soul will cling to hers, and we'll crawl out of the dark together. We'll spend an eternity dancing through the cosmos. After all, she is where I belong. She's exactly that. For now, this is where I am. Beginning each day fighting for her lips. Ending each night staring at a picture with a caption, "I'll love you forever."
Before falling in love with me, you must know about the constant meltdowns, and the nights of endless tears. You must know about my damaged heart, and my broken soul. Be aware that I never sleep at night, and sometimes I talk in my sleep. You must know about my need for your love, as well as my distant personality and constant fear of losing you. And know about my terrible fear of spiders, and the way I eat too fast for my own good.
But once you fall in love with that part of me, you can fall in love with my tender smile and warm embrace. You can fall in love with the way I'll warm your hands in mine, and tickle your feet with my toes. You can fall in love with the way I'll make you soup when you're sick, and how I'll kiss you when you get hurt. Fall in love with the way I laugh, and the soft spoken words of encouragement I'll give to you.
At the end of the day, I want to be able to fall asleep knowing that our lives are intertwined in a way only we can understand.
Jan 2014 · 795
I believe
M Jan 2014
I haven't been the man you've fell for over and over again. The truth is, I just want you to be proud of me again. I'm not sure what to fix or where to go. I don't like my face anymore. I hate the way my body looks and I can tell you do too. I used to feel your eyes on me at all times and now I can feel how hard it is for you to look at me and pretend that I'm something. A simple two days ago I was afraid to die. I threw away my nicotine because I was scared that it would take me from you sooner. I didn't realize at that time you were already gone. So I bought myself a new pack today because I want to be taken sooner. I can't really leave this basement right now. The ironic thing is I hate being alone, and I really hate basements, but I feel if I surround myself with the things that hurt me then maybe my heart will change the subject for a while. I remember at these times more than any, the people that have told me they've lost everything and I remember the sympathy I had for them. Never did I imagine what it really felt like to lose everything. To not have a single person believe in you anymore. Never could they imagine what this feels like. I can't stop crying, but this is different. I've been staring at a white wall with a blank expression, because it seems fitting. And the tears just invite themselves. There's no longer that curve on my face. You know, the one that only you can see.  I don't believe in me, because I'm a follower. I don't want to be the outcast. I want to blend in so badly, so that when I'm no longer here it won't make a difference. Regardless, it won't make a difference. But it can't hurt to pretend.
Jan 2014 · 653
In these bodies
M Jan 2014
We live, in these bodies we die.
Dec 2013 · 894
Read last.
M Dec 2013
I'm sure right now you're thinking that this is the part where I confess all of the terrible things I've done and kept secret from you, but it's not. This is the part where I tell you that I stay awake, because either I've convinced myself that I cannot sleep, or I've given up on trying to convince myself I can do it without you. I play music to distract myself from you and I smoke because it helps me breathe again. Meanwhile I paint you for my ears every time I write, and I smoke because I hope it makes you mad, and I want you mad because I'd do anything to feel something from you again. I want to take all of the blame, because I always said that it didn't matter what you did, I will never leave you. I don't care if it's a mistake, it can't be, but even if it was, I wouldn't care. I make a million mistakes everyday and I'd be okay with waking up to you being my first. It doesn't matter to me how terrible we say we are together, because it'd be terrible with anyone else, and at least I'd get to be in love with you. And maybe I was angry, maybe I am angry, but ****** you're beautiful, and I'd blister and burn if it meant holding you. Partially because we both know how stubborn we are, and mostly because  we both know how bad we want the same things. I want you to know that I look like hell right now. I haven't been upset, but I haven't cared about the way I've been seen lately. So, I just continue to look like hell, and this is the kind of hell you always said was beautiful. I've stood in the cold for you before. The wind stung my ears, but It felt good because I could still hear your voice.
Dec 2013 · 342
Read first..
M Dec 2013
There are a few things I've been keeping from you. Things I think you deserve to know.
Dec 2013 · 417
Simply.
M Dec 2013
You are beautiful and you don't even know it. You have no idea that you put the day inside of my day. I have a photograph of you that only I could hold on to. And love... Well, you can bet the dollar you'll last have that since the first time I knew nothing about you, I knew I'd love all the broken little pieces of what was you, and even if you're never whole, it'll only mean I'll love you in a million different seconds in a million different ways. Always.
M Nov 2013
My best friend is this shovel and the hole we created together. I don't know why I have a shovel in the dining room, or why I would dig a hole here, but I did and the reason doesn't matter. All that matters is this hole. Stealing all of the attention, because when I go, I want to go in front of viewers. Not because I want to be noticed, but because this shovel and I want to prove that love is a terrific thing. I'm going to scream love into this hole of ours and jump in after it. Did you see that? Of course you didn't because there was nothing there, this is only my excuse to jump, I just don't want you to think any less of me. This man was bested by a four letter word. But, as always, it really is a pleasure to have my heart broken by you. Eventually you and everyone else will forget about me and how I jumped. Eventually everyone will just wonder where this hole came from, and who's shovel has been sitting here. They'll wonder where it leads to, leaning in closer, until they feel their own heart break and suddenly they'll wish they had never found this hole, and beg to do anything to forget that they did. And they will, until someone builds a well, because wells are happy and beautiful, and there's no way that anyone could be sad about that. Undoubtedly, your  beautiful self will stumble upon this well and you, like others, will throw your coins and make your wishes and find that every word you speak about the things you dream of, come true. Even from the bottom of this void, I will always give you the things you want. You'll find me pushing up flowers to guard every step you take. I think even your foot steps are beautiful and this way others will know it too. You'll find earthquakes every where you smile, because I plan on ripping my heart from my chest down here, but it surely won't change the way it beats when you smile. My god, I love when you do that. You'll find you're always safest here, because everyone's afraid of the way this place feels, but not you, and certainly not me. I think you'd maybe stay here for a while because anywhere is where I'll always love you, but here is where I am, and I'll always love you. From the center of the earth, I will always love you.
It's time for me to jump now... I'm going to start making your wishes reality this very second. Don't forget to stop by this old hole, lean against my wall, close your eyes, and breathe the way we breathed together, love.
Nov 2013 · 767
You're second nature
M Nov 2013
We don't kiss because someone taught us that two people in love are supposed to kiss. We kiss because there are moments that I see you and you see me and our lips are our only way of communicating, but the things we feel have no words, and maybe we think that putting them together is the best fix. Honestly, I don't care. Neither do you. Because I love you, and I know I use those words a lot, but if you only understood how much of my day is consumed with that exact thought, and kissing you.. Well, that's just the best **** thing I've ever felt.
                                                
I know a spot with a wall where the sunset lines the horizon perfectly. There'll be a silhouetted picture of us for the rest of our lives. Reminding us that we've always loved each other. So much, we watched the sun die with your hand in my hand.
Come here baby. There's not much time.. Come be with me. There's an entire world waiting to see what we can do.
Nov 2013 · 676
Seriously,
M Nov 2013
I'd rather be blind due to loss of my mind. Not because of sanity, but because the thoughts of you running through my head threaten that. I'm tired, because I don't sleep. I can't. And when I do I dream of you anyway, so what's the point of the "escape" sleep should bring? I've got an idea and a body full of courage. Read my thoughts on the wall, somewhere within you'll see this will be quick and painless.
I don't see what there's to think about.. I know everything about your everything, this is for the rest of our lives. I have so much to make you smile coming and you're scared it will stop, but it will never stop. I will never make a mistake again. I'm here baby, I'm finally exactly who you want me to be, and I've never felt better about myself. I want you to be the hand across our dinner table. Your ring is so beautiful, and you... Well I've told you enough. The only thing to be afraid of is losing you and I. Give me the word and I'll be there waiting for you to get home with something to make you smile and when you walk through your door you have everything I need with you.
Nov 2013 · 955
I love you.
M Nov 2013
I felt a faint sense of the electricity from my brain connect to my body. Its been over a week and I finally forgot that I had a heart. I left it on a dark road within a two mile walk through the doldrum's fierce winds and stinging rain. I wish you could've seen the sky tonight. I have the most contradictory love for the winter. I hate the cold, but it clears the shaded sky leaving nothing but small traces of artifical clouds, and tonight I saw the stars breathe again. The first day I saw my most familiar friends since the time I laid on your car in the summer. I asked these stars of mine if they thought you knew that I think they're beautiful because you're beautiful. I wondered if you knew that they only stay here because they know you're beautiful too. Even if you don't know, the stars do, and so do I. I imagined today how difficult it must be to be you. Never having the privilege of having a different set of eyes to witness what I see in you, and never having the privilege of falling in love with you. You'll never know what it's like to have your soul ripped from your body by a pair of lips and eyes and your touch. Your touch. Your touch. Your touch... Maybe to you, I'm obsessed with your touch, but you breathe because it keeps you alive and I crave your everything because you make me feel alive. I love you. I have always loved you. And today, just like everyday, I fell in love with you again, and today just like the first day, all it took was your name.
I'd do anything to hear from you. I'd do anything to kiss you. I'd do anything for you to read this and tell yourself "God, I love him" Just like I tell anyone who will listen. "God, I love her"
M Nov 2013
I'm not sure how to say anything anymore. Everything I've ever written has portrayed nothing but how much I love you. How I will always love you, because I fell in love with things as simple as the way your breathing changes when you hear the voice of a bird every morning. Simple, just like I said. I don't feel very poetic anymore, so I am sorry if this isn't up to par with my previous writings. Honestly, I'm used to disappointing. Honestly, I really don't feel my heart beating anymore. And honestly, I don't feel anything worth living for. I know that people who are ready for the end of their lives don't necessarily talk about it. I don't want to. I only feel the need to explain, or to give the satisfaction of last words. Whatever. The truth is, I'm writing this with no ****** expressions. I don't feel a thing inside of me. I miss you. I had so much more to say, I'm just tired of writing. I won't delete these. Someday you or anyone really, may need to feel that someone somewhere felt this way about you. You may want to know the things about you that are beautiful and know they really exist. Things a mirror will never show you, nor a sweet guy, nor anything in this world. I've spent the greater part of my life feeling what you feel and finding things in you that I'll keep with me. This is the time in which I lost all hope and I just have nothing left to say. Not even goodbye. I wouldn't do that to you.
Sadly, seriously.
Nov 2013 · 927
It's been two whole days..
M Nov 2013
The last thing I can do is forget you, because I have kept everything you've ever said to me. I was able to pull myself away from your pictures tonight, all I had to do was cloud my eyes with saline and you were washed away and reborn again. It's been an entire 10 minutes, and I'd like to say that I haven't seen you, but I can't seem to keep my eyes open because maybe this screen is too bright, or maybe your face behind all of my thoughts is the closest to the place we called home that I can get anymore. And the last thing I want to do is forget you, because it's a full nightmare living in any memory that you didn't exist inside of. I can barely bring myself to look to my left when I wake, and you told me that I'm crazy, but my skin just isn't the same without yours against it. And every time I feel myself tear, I take another step towards the place where the salt meets the water, at least this way I know I'll be hurting myself. You see, all I want to do is forget you, because in the beginning you placed a diamond on my back, and right now all I can do is place your diamond on my smallest finger, picturing it on you. I know what I said, but the last thing you should ever believe is that this won't stay with me forever and that I'd ever tell you the way I'd ask you to marry me. I know you wanted to see it, but everything I've ever felt for you is inside of this tiny box with its tiny cushion, holding the reflection of rooms full of light, and I couldn't have you look at it like you looked at me.. It's been two whole days since I had to beg to feel those arms that fit around me so well, and mine slid into your bone structure like they were made for you, because they were made for you. There's a reason my finger tips could cure your discomfort, and there's a reason that you didn't want me to stop. You know why you're body shakes to my breathe on your back.. And it's been two whole days since you couldn't bare to not kiss me, and I can still feel the smooth of every breath you took before your lips touched mine. The thing is anyone can make you feel the way you want, but only I know how to do it perfect because I know every little piece of you and I am infatuated by it all. I planned a dinner for two somewhere we could experience the entire world in one place, somewhere we could try new things together. I bought you a beautiful dress, then another because I knew you'd be worried about how you looked in it, and I knew you'd look irresistible in both, and I wanted to capture that night for the rest of our lives. I wanted to visit the city that held the first time you should have heard the words I love you, because I most certainly did. It's been two days since time started to matter with us, and my voice brought you nothing but hatred. So much, that you wanted to hurt me. So much, that you told me.. you hate me with everything inside of your heart, and your heart is the biggest, and all of that hate is for me. What's sad is that I've been shaking for the past two hours because you're not here to make it stop. I only know three things: I love you and I would never let you down again, I think it'd be okay to die tonight, and I think I have to go now..
Either way you hurt someone, and if it's me that's okay because I'm the only guy in this world that would sit here and hurt for you. I have endless ways to make you smile. I may have been a day late, but you made me perfect, and I wanted the way I made you smile to reflect the same perfection. There's no amount of time I could be handed that I wouldn't spend finding ways to make you fall in love again. Even when I was away, I was thinking of you and spending almost every moment preparing for the day I'll never get to see. Don't let me go. There are so many things here just waiting to make you feel as beautiful as you are.. Including me baby.
M Nov 2013
I saw you sleeping, and I wanted to speak so many things, but I just smiled because you gave me the kind of feeling that makes room inside of you. Like my heart knew that one day you would belong there, just like your mother. My biggest fear was that you wouldn't love me. That I wouldn't be the one you'd want to always take care of you. One of the things I'm most thankful for is the fact that you do. And that I have taken care of you in any way I knew how. I miss your tiny cold feet. Every morning I'd wake up to your mother, happy that she was still sleep because I got to get you the first drink of your day, and I got to watch her sleep a little longer. She used to send me videos of you dancing. I would always mute the sound because the quiet left room for my thoughts, and I didn't want to remember a song. I wanted to remember that space made just for you. I still take walks like we did, and of course I want to pick every flower I see because without them the walks would end to soon. But I don't pick them because every flower belongs to you. You made me believe in things. I never believed I'd meet anyone as beautiful as your mother. You made me believe in love while in love. You even made me believe in fairies, which you believed in most. I believe in anything you believe in. I don't know if it's God, or if it's fate, or if it has anything to do with anything other than I simply love you both, but it can't be a coincidence that my heart is tied to strings, and these strings are tied to every step you take, and the further you get from me, the more it hurts. You hold so much in your little fingers. I'd do anything to dance to, and like, a day to (that ill always) remember. I'd do anything for you to rest your head in my arms again while we talked the whole way home, or at times you'd be so silent and fast asleep and maybe I didn't need two arms to hold you up, but I did need two arms to hold you. I'd stay awake a million night shifts to see you sleep and wake up to your mother moving my hair from my face to plant her kiss in the perfect place, and you in front of me. I guess you could tell that I hated to sleep alone, or maybe you did too. I could write for weeks about you. Even if I'm not writing, I always am in my heart, for both of you. Every step I take I picture the two sets of feet on either side of me that ill never forget. How your legs would swing like walking was your favorite thing to do and nothing could make you happier. And especially when counting to three with your arms to the clouds was all it took for you to fly, and sweetheart, If you're flying, then me and your mother were flying too, because we held a hand on either side of you. Your eyes closed and cheeks pillared by the widest smiles, I knew you were destined for bigger things than the restriction of gravity allows. I will always be your wings, and nothing, not even gravity, will keep you from flying when I'm with you. I miss everything about you and her. How she couldn't leave the tips of her feet when she'd jump for me to catch her and how you did the same when you wanted up. There's nothing better than when I'd hold you both and in return,  you'd hold me tighter. I love you. I have already loved you forever, because this will never stop. I always wake in the night hoping you couldn't sleep, and decided next to me was the safest place to lay your head. Sweet dreams, Brook. I'm yurning for the day I hear your voice again.
Always<3
Nov 2013 · 614
7:17 a.m, and I miss you.
M Nov 2013
Not that it comes as a surprise, but you made your way into my dreams again. I was in the most silent collection of noises and numbers of people walking the halls of this maze of a party. I was only holding a bottle for company, because I was okay, but I was lonely, and there's something about making my world spin while my world is spinning that feels like you're still around. Mid-turn I ran into a body, and she wrapped me up in flattery and her arms, and this was a party and I'm supposed to move on, so I took the bait. You saw me from another room while sitting on the lap of your new found affection, and in a few seconds time you ran, and for a few seconds I pretended I wasn't going to chase you. When I found you, you were arms-wrapped around him from behind and when you turned to me, it wasn't you. I had lost you. I watched the carpet walking away and in an open doorway, there you were. Your head was down and the entire room was stained with thoughts of me, so it only felt right to step inside. Even if it wasn't, I would've anyway. You sat on a chair in the middle of a room with your head so far down that you didn't see me coming, and kneeling in front of you I took my first finger to lift your chin. Like a trap, your arms collapsed around me and mine around you. I wanted you to know that I know you miss me, and I, you. And I wanted you to know that it's okay, because I will always love you, and it's a pleasure to have my heart broken by you. Then I woke, and my first thought was that I wish I was with you, because after dreams like these I'd wake up and kiss you hard enough to make you smile, but soft enough to keep you sleeping. And I miss the way your ceiling looked above your bed, this one is to high. Even if it wasn't, it's still not yours.
In this dream I held you because you were sorry that I was hurting, and you were sad because you missed me, and I told you it was okay, because it is. If your soul ever wakes up and your heart drops because they're wondering where I've gone, remember that I'm always yours. I'll be waiting in the park, on the bench that we'd watch the love of our life run and play as if the busy world around her didn't exist. I'll hold your hand and I'll carry her home asleep on my shoulder.  That's where I know she's safe, and my hand is where you'll know I love you.
Nov 2013 · 1.0k
Killing myself.
M Nov 2013
I'm okay without her, like hiding behind her, without her, because missing a moment of her is just not an option, and because she's my whole world and she could destroy me at any moment. Running through her pictures as fast as my fingers will allow, partially because I want to kiss every face she has, and mostly because they're all perfect, and I can't pick just one. Yes, it burns to see her face, but for this I would ignite myself, for this, I would give up anything. I've laid on this tile floor for the past five hours, and everything I've seen for the last three days has been at the bottom of the sea. I can wipe it away, but it always comes back because it belongs here, and I feel like I belong at the bottom of the sea. Maybe you're asking yourself why I hold on to what is tearing me apart... Well, I first and foremost, would die for her. Everyday, I would die, and everyday I do ,because I love her, I always have, since the very second I knew how. I have loved her not only in this life, but in all the past lives. She's been beautiful in 100,000 forevers, and 100,000 times I have always loved her. And I have never needed anyone before her, she is everything I need.

She's the woman I'd stare at and she'd say nothing, because the type of nothing she has is the type of nothing that means everything. She could break me over and over, and it always hurts like hell, but each time I heal, and into a better shape, for her. One of our biggest blessings is our ability to dream, to take yourself to places that only the deepest part of you knows, your souls desires. Things your mind could never fathom. I dream of her, but she's real. I am who I am because of her. I wanted to write because she wanted to write, and I wanted to laugh because she laughed, hers is perfect, and now I know, really, I just wanted her.

She makes everything in this world matter more than it did, I've never loved a cheek before, and I've never missed a set of lips so much. That's how I'll always love her more than anyone could love another, because I fell in love when she walked, and I fell in love when she spoke to me, and then I fell in love when she smiled. I fell in love while she slept and I fell in love with the way I fell for her. I fell for every part of her, one by one, so many times I'm sure I spent most of my time on the ground picking up the little pieces of me that couldn't wait to be hers. It doesn't matter how big of a crowd she is in, it never did, because I found her. I found her once, and I will always find her, so she'll never be lost.

This day I was able to show the world what I've waited so long to show them. She is perfect, and no matter if I'm a man, a fish, or a tree, I will only love her.
There are infinite numbers between 0 and 1, and that's what you gave me. You gave me forever within the numbered days, and dying wouldn't be a waste to me. So, here's to all the places we went, and here's to all the places I'll never go, and here's to me whispering again and again and again and again, "I love you".
Oct 2013 · 859
I am hopeless.
M Oct 2013
This is the very second I could no longer stand the absence of you in front of me. I stretch my head over every fence because sometimes I see you and I laying on a blanket in the backyard we never had the chance to share. Hands in my pockets, adding every effort I can spare to keep my legs moving because It's not easy pretending that you weren't the only thing my legs moved for, that you weren't the only thing my hands came out of my pockets for. But my soles have tred and I have some strength left, so I'll keep going. Moving further away. Far enough that the thought of you will be almost impossible, and I'll make a friend, because it's not easy pretending that the further I go doesn't mean the further I'll walk back to you. Give me the night in which you're needing loved, I have a boat waiting for us at the dock, I'm going to be leaving alone. In three days time, I'll come to my Y and I'll go left and youll take my heart with you. Holding the perfection of the bottom of the ocean, I heard I'd be crushed if I made it that deep, but it's perfection, and I'm all out. I dove and sure enough I am crushed but i saw the ocean floor, I saw perfection, I wanted to grab it, kiss it, and hold it all at once. I wanted it to always be so, where could I go?.. I'd walk out this door and head south until I saw trails of you on the roadway. Something that tells me you've been there. I can remember every square foot you stood inside of and at a point you hung a smile from your jaw line and I put down a towel to soak up the plethora of me you'd leave melted along the sidelines of these sidewalks, filling every crack, because I can't handle seeing anything broken anymore. Ask me why I've been walking a rope around these Hills, because I'd love to tell you how I'd drag them to you. Wonder why I've been walking straight with my head down, because I've been dying to tell you that I'm ashamed of myself without you. I want you to need to know why I have been holding my breath, because I've been telling the world how I've been hoping you'd come and take it away again.
I simply love you.
M Oct 2013
I've seen the high frequency waves bouncing from two sides  of a room.
"Shut up and kiss me"
I heard the sound of yours fade out,
Or maybe I'm just losing my hearing.
Maybe I'm on the right side of a 1 way mirror,
Or am I just breathing too heavy..
Its transparent and I just can't stop breathing,
that must be it.
I've drawn in the faces I've always wanted to see on yours.
I'd call your phone just to hear your voice again.
I wasn't dreaming, I was just reaching for you
And I forgot you weren't there
"I love you 'til the end"
I find myself singing by candle light,
These will be the good ones when we're older,
I hope I make it to thirty.
I think it'd be alright if I just stopped my life right here.
if I just ended it right here and left you the sound of me
Just one last time.
To remind you of the times you were sleeping.
I pushed your hair aside to see your face,
and you grabbed my hand in your still condition
And I stayed still to be you.
Looking around these corners playing my favorite memories,
"You're still here, aren't you?"
Every word I played created you in the crowd,
And now it's time for you to make some space for yourself
"I can feel you hugging me"
Because you are.
I want you to do things,
you've been doing things,
and it's just what I wanted.
I hope he lays his hand through your hair, resting on your cheek,
with your ear between the ******* they always set,
And I hope he kisses you.
I dreamt of you again.
I had a tremendous view, closer and closer.
There were banners filled with choices,
And for once I think I won't pick you.
I keep passing out, but not all the way...
Or maybe I'm just dying.
"Sam, you're beautiful, the kind of beautiful that deserves to make a big deal about itself"
M Oct 2013
The clock has really lost its purpose with me. I've tried between day and night to think of ways to make this sound beautiful, and I can't, because it's not. I've wasted space with paper torn in two. I can't seem to let you go, but I can't seem to hold on to the words on the tip of my tongue. I couldn't tell you how much I love you. I couldnt tell you the reason I'm in this white-walled lot filled with strangers, and the only thought in my mind is the way your eye lashes cross every time you blink, and how they don't when you cry... When you cry... How can I say I love you when I've seen you cry and I've been at fault.  I've skipped weighing options and moved straight to making the wrong decision. You left your free weight on me for comfort and I pushed you away, there wasn't enough room for you and my pride... I had nothing but nerves, daring to be upset with you because you had gone. I'd have stayed, but then again, I'm always wrong. "you could've woke up with me this morning" I'll never forget that. I could've, that's true. I could've been the guy you wish you had a car to see. I could've been the guy you went back and forth loving pictures with. I could've been the guy you talked to these past 5 days. The point is that I'm not. It is my fault. And I accept that. The point is, you've been smiling and sweet with someone else. I no longer have your whole heart, if any at all. This hurts, but I've learned something. I've been watching happy people, sweet, and normal. They're nothing but that. I'm damaged, I'm ****** up, I'm completely torn apart, but I SEE beautiful things they never will, because to them, their selves are beautiful, so they pass by the things I appreciate and love. I love the broken, I love the ****** up, I love those who are completely torn apart. And you were broken, and you were ****** up, and I was there when you were completely torn apart, and so... I love you.
Idk what to do any more. So, I'll sit here and love you.
Oct 2013 · 861
4:34 am
M Oct 2013
It's 4:34am. I woke up from a dead sleep because I was dreaming, of you and I. We were happy... Then we walked and another joined us and we ran into a bag of cutlery, and I had to ask... Why are these here, you? It makes no sense.. I just needed to know... You rolled your eyes to him and shook your head. I just wanted to know, how could you? That hurt, how could you? And you smiled and I, well, I just took an arrow through my sternum. That heart stopping, "the next breath is the hardest" type. And so I left, running the streets I knew most. I was alone, it was 1:30 in the morning, too late to wake anyone to comfort me, but I did find a few soft seconds. I know what this stands for. Standing in a lot parallel to the place that haunted and housed me when I was young, but why were the clouds so bright... Why in this particular moment can I see everything? I of course expected and received no answer. I made my way back to where I had left you, and I saw you from a distance. The three of you walked towards the alley of the old car wash, which I assume was towards home, and you kissed in spite of me. You laughed because you knew that had crushed me and you knew I wouldn't do a thing because I was afraid to make another mistake, so I took it. And I said "I can't believe you" in a whisper, but you heard it as if I had yelled it anyway, and all you said was "What? I left the door unlocked." But you did this for me, not because you wanted to, but because your heart was filled with pity for me, and God, was I pitiful. I am. This is the moment I knew you would never love me the same.. And you seemed so happy with your present and you were able to watch my soul shattered, and just keep walking. So, I let you go because I promised I would, and I met a nice woman. She talked to me as she helped her three children get ready for school, and so I helped her because she looked like she needed it. I tried to keep it as short as possible because the only thing I wanted was to make it back to those few seconds of comfort I had found earlier, but I never made it. I took a few steps, looked at the sidewalk meeting my shoes, and then, a note from an entry of mine, I said "Please, if I die right now, I hope I die with my eyes open, because all I can see is her when they close." I don't know who I was speaking to, anyone maybe.. But these were my last words before I made it here, to this page. I had an overwhelming weight within my torso, and tears had already invited them self before I woke. That hasn't happened since I was a child. I had a dream of me floating outside of the earth, and it looked beautiful, but my mother was gone, and I guess I just couldn't stand the thought of living in a world that she didn't exist in, and even worse... When I woke in tears I couldn't run to her bedroom and hold her, because she didn't care. She was just the closest I've ever had to care, so I stayed alone, curled into the ball that I'm so familiar with, and held myself until they were gone. As I will now. I wanted to pray to never dream of you again because I can't take my heart breaking anymore, but I didn't pray, because dreaming is the only way I get to see your face anymore. Forever, I'd sooner tear out my own heart and smash it, before I gave up the few seconds of you that are still mine.
I miss you, and love...  well, I love you in these words, in your song, in art, even my dreams. I love you in every way I know how. So much, that I refuse to give up my nightmares, just for the short seconds of being with you.
Oct 2013 · 633
Page: Goodbye.
M Oct 2013
I still move clouds, I chalk my hands and wipe their sorrow from your way. I still wait on that same hill to be the first to see you open your eyes to let the sun warm the water. In most thoughts I am aware of your absence, you've smiled for someone else. And in most thoughts, I know you still are. The hardest happiness I'll ever know is this: You will always exist in me. Your housing cheeks, giving shelter to your pillow lips. Your tear drop prisms always led me straight to them, so close, when our noses touched, I'd melt. Satin for fingers, entwined, and the taste of ecstasy was all over you. I ran my breath from your peace shaped collar bone to your perfect hips and I locked my hands. I lined your entire body with my punctured lips leaving and taking pieces of you and I on every inch of what held us together. And then, I kissed you once, and then again, and you quaked and I let you, and I couldn't look away from you. My eyes were fitting, the shape of the rest of my life laid in front of me, a space that without you, will remain so, darling.
Here I was, watching your body and breath keep you here with me. You radiated, filled with lavender and I stroked your hair aside to burn an image to the back of my lids. I hope I die with them open.
Oct 2013 · 495
For the followers
M Oct 2013
I really appreciate all of the feed back that you've given me. I hope this book actually goes somewhere. All of my inspiration comes from one woman. She's a talented writer herself. She's real. Very real. Her words may not make you feel beautiful reading them, but you will feel it. She writes about the way people make her feel, including me. I'm not beautiful I portray the things she's put in me. I owe this all to her. Jennifer Baldwin. She is wonderful. I really want to be successful as a writer. Any and all feedback is appreciated. I will write for a year and hopefully have a piece of amazing literature, with your help of course, at the end. Thank you again, Jennifer, all of you.
Oct 2013 · 621
Page....
M Oct 2013
I couldn't tell you what the day is. Its been months, and my shirt has lost your scent . I buried myself face down inside of what used to comfort me. Seas of bedding, nylon, and saline. On nights, I'd watch paired laughter and lust build in front of me, until one. I had to do it. I couldn't bare the silent part of my ear anymore, louder than even my own thoughts. I just needed to hear your voice. I rode those lines all the way to your bedroom, you're first syllable kissed my lips and I shivered for any following. In the center of an empty room, I laid, listening to your soft words in their soft tone, painting trees for seasons, because you knew them all. All I wanted to do was wrap you up within my flesh and bones, because you were already my blood, and I remember tearing it from my knuckles for a quick fix of addiction. I held onto the static before the sounds of the line being severed. And then you were yesterday, like any piece of you that was ever me.
It wasn't long before December became my favorite month. It wasn't long before I was the one you wanted. Finally, maybe I'd get to live in the serenity of your scent again. This was it. My downhill.
Oct 2013 · 870
Page 2
M Oct 2013
I hadn't heard the wind blow in a few weeks. I bricked myself within the eight walls of my cell, I turned off the lights, and I drowned in the dark. Nothing protruding other than glimpses of my rafters, and two sets of stairs on either side of me, but I wouldn't dare use them. In fact, I had soon forgotten they even existed, I was blind to any escape from the infinity surrounding me. I couldn't breathe without poisoning myself, and I couldn't swallow without glass bottles prying my lips from each other. Repetition became an excuse, re-reading the tales trailing the left side of my left arm, rose colored love stories in flat black. Unfinished, unpredictable, but they are mine, and I know what follows. Broken windows, one in particular, and my silhouette in the star shaped shards barely intact. That's what made me feel alive, those simple moments filled with tint gradients, wishing I had never seen your trapping smile. Wishing you had never taken place of all the elements around me. This infinity is just a room. This room has a light switch, and two sets of stairs. This is just a chair, and my window is just open, and I miss when the wind would blow, because it was just you breathing.
..but I did see you again. You looked incredible. Sure enough, my heart was beating again, it always had been, but here I noticed it. You showed me your backseat, and I swore I could never love another, but there she was, dreaming, and just as beautiful as you. So, I loved her. And I do.
Oct 2013 · 603
Page 1
M Oct 2013
Her smiled stretched to one side of her perfectly structured face. And she wanted to know me. I wouldn't, but she did. I spent the night inside the words she wrote me. She asked my favorite color. I said blue, because I was, and because it is. She listened to my dreams, to her they were big, to her I was big. The first day I met her I hid because I was nervous and she is wonderful and I wasn't ready to fall in love yet, but it didn't matter, because any wall she stood behind was transparent, and I saw her. Goodbye was impossible, I made short stories long just to look a little more, because she has eyes I'd swim through, And a look that made you look, so I did. But she had to go, she had already taken the time to give me my entire world, and she wrapped her arms around me, and her shadow was mine. I fell, right into the night I saw her city lights, and my shadow was hers. And then, She slept and that was okay because she is beautiful, not that she needs the sleep to be, but dreams deserve beauty too, and she was next to me. But now when I hide, a wall is just a wall, I cant dream anymore, because I can't sleep, and my entire world is gone. And I never face west before noon , I can't stand the sight of my shadow, because it's not yours.
I would lay on the hood of your car and tell you about the silent parts of the night and I remember the stars were familiar to me. Like
.. I knew them.
Sep 2013 · 750
Something
M Sep 2013
We were here, right in this place.
I remember now. Right here.
I remember love. Harsh, heavy and ever-growing,
And we didn't even try to stop it. We couldn't.
This was love, so much a force that even spelling or speaking it's name would destroy plains to make its way back to us.
Love, with flight like butterflies; beautiful, and ripping oceans from a world away.
And beautiful, making no mistakes by prefixing your name, follows you.
Beautiful being so much of you that every doorway you walk through becomes so. I look at you with one eye closed, in case this is a dream in which every sidewalk, every pedal, every wall... becomes you. Every time your stare traces the astros, every star and every moon becomes yours. I remember now. I remember why I jump into the sky every waking moment. I remember why falling was only love. I know now. I'll never forget why my eyes can stand to open. I remember why I have a heart at all. Not to live, but to remember you. To never forget you. For you to tear apart and perfectly place back together. For you.
"I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where. I love you straightforwardly, without complexities or pride; so I love you because I know no other way than this: where I does not exist, nor you, so close that your hand on my chest is my hand, so close that your eyes close as I fall asleep."
M Sep 2013
Filled with beauty turned to dust. Nothing more than a decorative edge. From up here I can see everything. From the false mountains standing in the distance that we could never reach,  all the way back to you. You, a single incendiary soul. Yes, I feel alive when I'm with you. Stuck inside a self-induced and shaken shell, and yes it hurts, but this pain is mine. There aren't as many earthquakes here. You're destroying the heart of the city, and I'm rebuilding what you've broken behind you. I know its not as beautiful,  but this was ours. This city was ours. I'd be lying if I said I didn't miss you here. This place is stained with our slumbers, our sins, and our love. This city was just too small for you. I have no doubts that many will come to love it here, maybe you'll even visit, but here is no place for the big things that you deserve. You walk above one-story houses and my hands are built for less. Someone will find love here. Sometime. And maybe they'll want to tear down these walls, and maybe I'll be trapped inside of a shaken, self-induced shell, and it will hurt, but the pain will be mine. I hope the world you seek houses and holds you well. I'll be here, in the place where we would meet, building every step I take around the world that was you. I have been hearing a song, a voice bouncing from every block and street light and I can barely make out the sound of the city you left crashing behind you.
I may be broken, my shelter may be tattered, but I call it home. I apologize. I'm sorry it's not beautiful here. I'm so sorry.
Sep 2013 · 759
Like, You.
M Sep 2013
Falling, a past that has fled from what's presented, a catch. To hand, a hand, Hand in hand, creating illusion to hold on to. Closed, like shades opposing days ability to burn the nest beneath my back to ash. Afraid, in senses of withering columns placed between the sky and here. Alone, almost to stars where so many are beautiful until you have one. And one is the only, like you. Dawn traces, and day follows in most irrelevant ways. In steps, like those you take, like those I map in hopes of parchment leading to your next. Winds, like your breathing, gave lift to my wings that are you, freeing sorrow through the scent left hanging in the mist in which I'd be searching. Forward, like my locked eyes and motion accompanied by desire of a shift in direction. Worlds, crossed like the entirety of ours, for love, I am forward to the atmospheres, in which its certain, you belong. You, like my catch  in my hand, laid parallel like our earth to us, the wind and wings and beauty, where I means everything, in love, where one means only, like you. Only you.
The ability to turn away is useless without you on the other side.
Aug 2013 · 475
and nothing..
M Aug 2013
Surprisingly I'm quite cool and collected through this dawning
I breathe in and out as if I've never forgotten how
My heart is whispering and my eyes seem fixed on nothing
And somehow nothing is exactly enough
My empty hands are holding empty space
And my empty mind has lost its race
But in this case
losing doesn't seem so bad
I once had lost
all I ever had
And I had nothing
And I have nothing
And I had pace
And a single letter seemed so much like nothing
And just a little bit of nothing gave me peace
Jul 2013 · 588
Untitled
M Jul 2013
At a loss for words
I'm tossing through time
I thought I'd put my thoughts in rhyme
I'll break this bridge and hold my breath
You've ripped my soul from this tattered chest
The shadows are cold but I'd like to hide
Behind my pain a heart resides
Holding your somber gift
You've given aches
You've promised me
I give and take
I'm last resort
Her second chance
Just vote my death by a show of hands
I've prayed for light
On the darkest days
And the brightest nights
End the hardest way
I'd like coma for sleep
To avoid the tears
I skip my own beats to avoid my fears
I'm gasping for breath with steady pace
I'm raking smiles from my face
Im keeping secrets behind my lips
Where love once laid with every kiss
Goodnight.
Jul 2013 · 430
Today.
M Jul 2013
A wake in this cloud-like foundation
As silent and motionless as holding a breath
To grip the colors a little longer
This scene seems familiar
Yes. I've been here before
In a dream, or in a memory
But in this moment
The corners of the place you
Laid your lips curl
It was you
For only a second
It was you
As the hours passed
To create this day
It was you
These hours
All turn to minutes
And
I'm seconds away
From forever
Knowing it will always be you
I love you.
M Jul 2013
There will come a day
When I have to face
My god
And even then
You'll still be mine
♡♥♡
M Jun 2013
When you weren't here and things seemed to be over, I would lay in my bed and imagine that you were still here. I would picture you walking around my apartment with the cutest smile on your face and I would watch you go about your business until I finally couldn't take being away from you anymore and I would say, "baby! Come here! " and you would quickly turn around and say, "mm mmmm" but you would start to walk towards me anyway and you couldn't tell, but my heart was starting to beat faster. I would smile with anticipation until you finally reached the bed and I would sit up and wrap my arms around your shoulders and gently pull you down with me. Even though this was all just in my imagination,  I swore that I could feel your breath upon my shoulder and I could taste your skin as I softly kissed it. For a while that was the only way I was able to sleep. I had to imagine that you were still with me. I always knew that I loved you but now I know that it's more than that. I need you. I want to spend my life with you.  I no longer want to be away from you. I'm ready to do everything I can to make you happy, to make you feel loved. You are so special to me, you are the reason I smile everyday. Everything in me is drawn to you.. you make me feel alive again..
Jun 2013 · 1.1k
My Elysium
M Jun 2013
While inspired by the sun
She chases the sharp saccharine song
That follows the birth of morning
New day only granted its light
By the world held within her gaze
A body of delineated elysium
Elicting every second
Of what was known to be so desolate
Forever my heart will beat
To the breath of imperfection
She. Is. Perfect.

"We remain on the branches of a tree waiting for the day we will rule the earth. We are the rain."
Jun 2013 · 854
Babylove♡
M Jun 2013
Lay weak in the emerald plains.
With your shadow blind sight and blend with every breeze.
Weightless and without worry your soul sways to break expectation.
As a pure parcel of the world, glow.
Glow and the world will watch you, Beautiful.
You are my dream in which I wake.
My infinite soul, in this infinite universe.
I miss you like the waves miss the sea.

— The End —