I Don't Want To Be A Warrior In The Garden
Nor A Gardener In A War
Yet I Shall Rise To My Position
Of This, I Can Be Sure

As Steel Touches Steel
And Seed Touches Soil
Peasant In The Field
And King With The Royal

I Shall Grace The Gardens
Be The Gardener It Needs
Storm The Battlefields
Be The Warrior That Bleeds

I Hold It All Inside Of Me
Everything I Am And More
But The Garden Needs It's Gardener
And The Warrior Needs His War

I say thank you
Thank you to the me that brought me to myself.
The one who weathered the storm
The one that suffered as waves crashed
The one who pushed on when everything seemed lost.
Thank me.
For I would not be I
if you had not been you.

Whispering winds, the rustling of trees,
Amidst the green, a bench and quiet pleas.
A solace found, where sorrows nest,
My weary heart, finds silent rest.

A sturdy bench, with a strong wooden frame,
Supports the weight, of sorrows I daren't name.
Overcast clouds, crowd my mind in a storm,
Here on this bench, holds melancholy form.

Searching outside, of my internal struggles,
Happiness everywhere, just me with these troubles.
Family picnics, kids play on the hill,
Friends laugh together, as I sit frozen still.

How do they do it, I can't help but wonder,
they dance in the sunshine, while I'm stuck in the thunder.
No sadness to be seen, just smiles and glee,
I can see that it's possible, but is it possible for me?

But then I remember, as the day comes and goes,
We all have our moments, our highs and our lows.
Today I might be here, sat alone in the rain,
But Tomorrow may bring me, to the sunshine again.

Can one surpass the limits of their own species?
Feeling human seems like wearing a shirt, two sizes too small.
Constrained by my very essence,
I wonder, how long can skin contain spirit?

Will my soul shatter this cage of flesh and bone,
Exposing the deity trapped within?
Can my ego withstand the blow, yield control,
And let truth grace the present?

Perhaps it's wise to let death be my ferryman,
To wait with patience for the destined moment of transcendence.
Yet for now,
I choose to bask in this human experience.

I will dance, I will play,
I will dare to love with an open heart.
I will lean into life's fleeting nature,
And for now, choose to be human.

don't ask God, "where have You been?"
realise it's You
You who disappeared all those years ago.
You.
the One who forgot all there ever was

And for a moment, everything was quiet—
no... silent.
Nothing moved, nothing raged,
not a whisper nor wind.
A moment where time stopped at nothingness,
a perfect little moment.

This is not the pain of eternity
It is but the pain of a moment
A moment that will not last forever
Nothing does
Nothing can
But it is in this pain we find what has meaning
To avoid pain is to avoid what it means to truly live

I have been in a queue all my life
Waiting in line
Everyone else is waiting too
When I feel like I am getting close
There's another reason to let someone in front
A reason to put other people first
So I stay here
Waiting
Even when people cut the line
Jump in front and force me back
I tell myself
They must just need it more than me
I don't want to be selfish
But selflessness is getting me nowhere

Today,
I disconnected from the network.
It's the most connected I have ever been.

I am not doing it:
                               For you
                               For them
                               For status
                               For wealth
                               For fame
                               For proof
                               For attention

I am doing it for:
                               Me

Women whom sing sad songs beautifully.

I have nothing to say
No words to give you
My mind is blank
Void
Empty
No clever remarks
No witty retort
I won't waste your time
I'll just cut it sh...

Thoughts are soda
The Brain is a bottle
Anxiety gives it a good shake
The lid is depression
Do you feel the pressure?

Effort is my safety net
If I never try
I can never really fail
My internal excuse
The eternal fail safe
Preventing heartbreak
Minimising disappointment
Even if sometimes I succeed
More often I give up
If I gave it 100 percent
What excuse would I have left
How could I brush off the pain
I can never give maximum effort
Because what if I don't have what it takes

Screams my brain
Voices pound like heavy rain
You're in DANGER
Every cell begins to panic
Feeling manic
Beating drum inside my brain
Voices pound like heavy rain
RUN
Get out quickly
Everyone is trying to trick me
You can't do this
Always in pain
Voices pound like heavy rain
Trouble breathing
Everything's fading to black
I think I'm having a panic attack
I can't see
I can't hear
Constant ringing in my ear
Losing consciousness
All that remain
Are voices pounding like heavy rain

Some made inquiries
Some expressed interest
Some came for a tour
Some tried to cut a deal
Some requested changes
Some ignored the listing
Some turned up their nose
Some needed more
Some looked at the beauty
Some saw Squalor
Some moved in
Some left in a hurry
Some made improvements
Some caused damage
Some wanted to stay
Some got evicted
None stayed forever

Yet as I scream into the empty abyss
All that echoes is my sorrow

What are you doing up there?
Lonely little cloud
Floating round a sea of blue
Peacefully you wander the sky
So gently you glide
yet I wonder
Do you not get lonely?
Solitary little cloud
abandoned by others
Will your tears fall to land
mourning your lost friends
Can I keep you company?
Lowly little cloud
Observing your grace
I see myself in you
Envying your freedom
but living your seclusion.

If we feel guilty
For privileges we have in our life
We all must become victims
Doomed to be resentful
Guilt breeds resentment
Fear will do the same
If we all have to make our lives worse
Exaggerating our own pain
When privilege is synonymous with race
We will always have opposing sides
The media creates this hate
Not the people
They want you to be scared
They want war
It keeps us distracted
From the socioeconomic games
The wealthy need chaos
To keep us fighting each other
Instead of creating actual change
All your Governments colluded
They want it this way
We are all divided
Causing each other pain
I know there needs to be accountability
But there must be a better way
When we are no longer angry at each other
Humanity has found it's way

Emotionally repressed
With sadness stuck inside
Mentally distressed
Just want to run and hide
Tyrannically oppressed
Our feelings are denied
Why do our eyes protest
Would be better if we cried
Generations of men will attest
Some think it'd be better if they died
That's not easy to digest
Yet in no one we confide
Pain and trauma unexpressed
Constant strength we must provide
No wonder we're depressed
Too many lost in their pride.

Quite is what I need
less noise
more time to read
the world needs constant attention
but the headphones help a little
give thanks to anc
I just want space to be me
I cant help but mention
my rapid ascension
up past the tallest tree
with less noise in my ears
I will overcome fears
the quite will set you free

I could have dance
I could have played
I could have chosen to laugh
all
this
time
I could of chosen to be happy.

Sometimes
                     Depressed,
means knowing what you have to do but not knowing if you can.

I can give you water
but I can't quench your thirst
I can give you food
but I can't stop your hunger
I can tell you jokes
but I can't make you laugh
I can call you spiteful names
but I can't hurt you

You must eat
You must drink
You must laugh
You must cry

I can't make you happy
I can't make you sad
I can't force you to love me
I can only give you the ingredients
but you must choose to make the meal.

I hate myself for loving you
You chose to sail out the door
Leaving pain for a wake
And my brother on the shore
You told him you would take him
but instead you broke his heart
I had to become man of the house
I had to take care of mum
I'm glad I barely knew you
I didn't have to see what you had done
less than 5 months old
you didn't even give me a chance
But I can't hate you
I have tried
trust me I tried
I know when I see you
I won't be able to help myself
I know I don't need your approval
but that doesn't stop me wanting it
Wanting to know
If it is possible for you to love me
Do you love me?
It is impossible to tell
you left me alone in this world
Am I supposed to think you care
but
you would have been miserable
if you stuck around
if you were not happy
I am glad you left
I wouldn't want that around
but
It doesn't stop the pain
It doesn't stop me hating myself
it doesn't stop the anger I feel
Why Oh Why
no
How
Do I still love you?

How easy it is
to sink to the bottom
Relax
Exhale
Close my eyes
and just sink
Give in to fatigue
Cease my struggling
It's hard to stay afloat
But how easy it is
to sink

I am angry
I don't know why
I don't know for how long
but I am angry
It hurts me that I am angry
I am angry because I am scared
I don't know why I am so scared of being angry
but I am angry
It is affecting everyone around me
hurting the ones I love
this makes me scared of hurting them
I am angry.

What if it is me?

What if
I am what lurks in the shadows
What if
I am what scares me most
What if
I am capable of doing what others won't
What if
I am the monster under the bed
What if
I am the thing to be feared
What if
evil is me.

I yearn for silence
these thoughts
these noises
Tormenting

Not all dreams are nightmares
but not all nightmares are dreams
Last night I woke up
with the hallway echoing my screams

I saw you with another man
with happiness all could see
I told myself it was just a dream
not premonition of what was to be

I swore I would try harder
to be the man you needed in your life
I needed to focus on you
make you feel happy to be my wife

Today I would bring you flowers
It's wasn't much but it was a start
I thought I would leave the office early
We already spent too much time apart

I couldn't wait to get home
I rushed through the gate
I flung the door open
But I was too late.

The first time I open my eyes
Each morning, I see you lay there

Quietly sleeping with a mind full of dreams
Undisturbed by my early rise
I surrender to the moment
Enveloped by peace and tranquillity
Radiance gleaming back at me
Only now do I understand the meaning of love.