I've read all the books I can
And done all the things I could do
But my mind refuses to forget about you

My sunshine
My sorrow

The sun smiles upon me and I can feel the crisp wind on my face as we walked together hand in hand
I can feel your presence next to mine, warm and inviting
I can feel the happiness that you spread to me
So contagious

There's a million things I would've done differently now
I can see that
But I also wouldn't change a second of it
Because I got to be with you

why do you torment me
when I'm feeling the most satisfactory
I'm feeling like i can touch the sky with my hands
that i am creating this rainbow of potential with massive colors floating through the air to match my soul
you show up and shatter everything

the rainbow that I created isn't an actual rainbow
it isn't all the flurries in the sky like i imagined
but it is a picture
a very very fragile picture that you can shatter so easily

all it takes is a glimpse of your face
a note of your voice
your breathe near me
all it takes is a thought of you and my rainbow shatters
it shatters into pieces that become so small that you can never gather all of them
so when i repaint my rainbow in the sky
my massive colors flowing, abounding with potential
there are always pieces missing
and each time you shatter it there are more pieces missing

maybe i need to stop making rainbows
maybe i need to create something else
i need to take all the pieces that i keep having to recollect after every single time you shatter them
the tiny itty bitty pieces that represent who i am and who i want to be
who i was

i must create a new picture
i must create something new and exciting and bold that recaptures who i am

maybe i should make a glittering sea
i should take my pieces and mold them together like mounds of clay
pushing pushing pulling
pushing pushing pulling
molding
creating

an ocean
i want to create an ocean
glittering bright
it will be made so you can see the rushing waters
it is so real that the picture seems to be moving
up, down
the waves so smooth
but when you get closer they become harsher
they become more frantic
more chaotic
but it is a beautiful chaotic

that is who i am
i am beautifully chaotic

i can transform in the blink of an eye
from that nice girl who's a good friend who you can trust completely
into something more
something more than the nice girl
something more than who i was

because i will no longer be the nice girl
i will no longer be deemed as someone who's just a good friend
someone who's just nice just pretty
just there
standing in the background

I will have my own spotlight
that's right

I will become selfish
i will become maniacal
i will become manipulative

but i will do anything it takes to protect my picture

You never look back

It's the first thing I noticed about you

Your past, your pain, your failures

You never look back

But I always do.
When I walk away, I look back to see if you're watching

You're not

You are focused
You are direct
You are confident in who you are, where you are

You are you

But I am me
Me, who is looking up at you, marveling to see what you will accomplish next
Me, noticing every movement you make, every sound, every hesitation
Me, noticing when your smile isn't real

So I give you mine to use
And it fits you perfectly

You fit into it and my smile becomes yours
And mine is plastic again
The mold I use to create my smiles so I can give them away to those who need them

You, whose movements are fluid as water
You, who is always trying new things
You, who excels

You are an asset to humanity
A unifier
A guide to the light within the darkness

And I watch your work

I am afraid of letting go
And losing control

I am afraid of being happy
Of waking up wanting to start the day
Of accepting myself for who I am
Of losing the motivation for my art because I’m no longer so sad and alone
Of losing the bubble I created for writing since I have no one to turn to
no one to talk to
no one to belong to

I am afraid of being

I am afraid of the potential I possess
I don’t mean to sound arrogant or proud
Because I’m not

I am just me

Mikayla

I walk around the halls sheltered and afraid
Afraid of the people I see around me
Every one of these individuals has a hidden talent,
A secret,
A love, A vice,

And what do I have?
Just me.

Mikayla DeAnn.

If I am not walking with a false bravado
Shining plastered smiles to hide my fear
I am invisible
I am shoved
Pushed
Tossed
Turned
Unrecognizable

Mikayla DeAnn Kay

I am afraid of letting go
If I let go, I am letting go of the control I possess,
My only vice
I am letting go of the years of “you’re not good enough”
The years of “you’re not pretty enough”
The years of “you’re not skinny enough”
The years of “you’re not worthy”
The years of “you do not belong”

Mikayla DeAnn

I want to shine
I want to smile
I want to make others happy without losing pieces of myself
I want to be confident in what I like
What I wear
What I desire
I want to feel whole
I want to be seen

I want to become… no

I am

Mikayla

I've looked bad but felt good
I've looked good but felt bad
I've looked bad and felt bad
I've looked good and felt good

I've failed so many times I can't count
I've learned so much I can't find individual moments

I have gradually increased

But I am finding myself

I am finding the confidence to strut out of my dorms like I'm walking on the runway
I have found myself so sad my body has become immobile

I am growing stronger

Physically. Mentally. Spiritually.

I am finding God in the most random moments, but when I do it is glorious

I find myself alone too often
I find myself feeling alone too often
I find myself hiding too often

I'm ready to let my potential loose
And become the lion I am meant to be

His hands were in my hair one moment and around my neck the next
He is the epitome of complexity
He is the man I love the most in this world
He is...

Our relationship is complicated
He loves me and I know it
When I am sad, he will comfort me
When I cry, he wraps me in his arms and holds me tight, telling me everything is going to be okay
When I succeed, he cheers on the sidelines, his face filled with pride

But I have become accustomed to being a doll
A trophy
When he is not right, he is right anyways
When he is angry, there is always someone else on the receiving end
There is always another to be blamed

Until now, I never knew I could be right
I didn’t know the freedom I could have
I didn’t know that there were guys who could be patient, would let me have an opinion, would let me be me instead of a trophy
I didn't know I was a person

My own entity

What am I supposed to do
when you won't let me in?
What am I supposed to do
when you reject me again and again

And again and again and again and again and again

Don't you see, this is what love is?

Love is the tiny micro-kindnesses
Love is waiting at the door, waiting to be let in finally
Love is being afraid of rejection but always going back
Love is being broken, but always having room for you

Don't you see, this is what my love is?

You can call me a stalker at your lowest times
You can spurn me, hate me, despise me
But I won't leave you when you're sad
Because I'm afraid of losing you to yourself