I am stained

Stained by the past
Stained by my desires
Stained by my failures
Stained by my broken dreams
Stained by what could have been
Stained by "what if"

The tears that fall down my face are black ink
The trail of tears stain my cheeks
Sharp, painful, visible
Yet I am invisible

No one else can see my stains
My pains
My sins

But I see them everyday, every second
The mirrors curse my visage

I am stained

Dear Me from 2013,

It’s okay to feel sad. It’s okay to stop smiling and being “the good child” or “the perfect student”. Your parents’ problems are not your responsibility, are not your fault, are not your priority, and you cannot fix it. Mostly because it won’t matter, and it won’t change. Take it from me. Your friends are by your side. They do care about how your feeling and will take time to listen to you. You are not a burden. You are not an empty conch shell.

Do not blindly trust. Do not let HIM into your heart, not all the way. He is a serpent disguised as a beam of sunlight. He makes you feel good now, but he will become the only person in the world who understands you, or even sees you. But as soon as he is done with you, he will desert you. You will be alone, with a void in your heart that is still empty even now, a void that causes you to cry late into the night and feel empty in the day. He is NOT WORTH IT.

Please, please, PLEASE eat food. Ask for it, beg for it, but do not listen to your mom. You are 120 lbs but that is not criminal, you’re in high school. Do not go on those protein shake cleanses for weeks to months at a time. You are not fat.

And most importantly, you are beautiful. You are kind, intelligent, courageous, uplifting, way too selfless for your own good, and you love. Just because you are sad, it does not mean you are not these things. Your seemingly negative emotions do not define who you are. Reach out to others and stop pulling yourself inward and away from people, because people can take you out of your fear of yourself. People will make you laugh, will make you smile, will make you forget, even if for a little while.

Remember PINK. Always remember PINK. It is who you are, and through it you will always find your way back to your core.

Me

P.S. Binging Black Butler and Markiplier is completely acceptable, too. Never be ashamed <3
P.P.S. don’t take all those AP classes. Your highest score will be a 3, and you’re going to go to art school anyways.

my hearing goes in and out between words and ringing
my sight has become hazy
my hands are shaky
my body cannot stop moving
my brain switches running at a million miles an hour and then nothingness
my sense of touch is going haywire

i am numb

I am from whisk.
From Mr.Clean and Odoban.
I am from my locked closet (dark).
I am from my mom's attempted fruit trees (they always die),
a palm tree in front of my room’s window,
I always wanted to climb out my window and escape by climbing down it.

I’m from protein shakes and Alex being addicted to Alex Clare so he bought a hat similar to Alex Clare's hat
From Chip (hates his real name “douglas”) and Alex (not alexander)
I’m from my mom's breeding of dogs/ entrepreneur/ planners and my dad's travelling for work/playing drums/being a jokester,
From “Oh honey, your back looks okay, but your stomach…” and “Do you want to die of cancer?”
I’m from my best friend telling me “You embody light and love”
With making earrings
And always crying alone

I’m from another reason why I’m closest to my dad and unidentifiable.
Lamb and french fries.
From Zyler breaking his pinky toe by dropping a large rock on his foot
To Zyler plugging his ears whenever Alex or dad sings, or plugging his ears when he hears music he doesn’t like and/or want to listen to at that time
Our childhood/baby year memories are kept in boxes with our names on them in the office, We have baby books that go up to about 1 ½ to 2 years old, Facebook
I am The uninvited third wheel tagging along on a date

my biggest pet peeve is when i'm told i can choose what i feel

i can choose to be confident
i can choose to be happy
i can choose to be worthy

is everyone else on a higher level that I am?
does my dwelling make me a lesser human being?
is there something wrong with me?
i feel like everyone else was given instructions to life while I'm hanging by a thread
watching as it is about to snap

It’s a dreary day, filled with dreary weather and dreary people.
I walk to class with the same thoughts in my head
The same pathways to go
Routine

I am sitting alone in the front corner, my same seat
No one to my right, no one behind me
I look out the window
I see the same tall buildings and the grey whirling clouds ready for rain

But then i see a vase of bright purple flowers

It’s on the corner of a balcony for an apartment.
They are reaching for the sky to receive the rain promised by these grey clouds

*that’s different

i feel the water as it streams onto my hands
the faucet showing me my reflection in it's silver curved structure
i close my eyes
i have become unaccustomed to looking at myself
the sight of me has become unbearable now

thoughts stream into my brain
filling me with dread and anguish
my breath rapidly increasing just from thoughts alone

i turn the water temperature to the left
i feel the heat begin to rise
my flesh begins to burn
it pleads to be taken out of the lava but i leave it
all i can focus on is the heat, and it is bliss

i grew up believing scars were ugly
and self-inflicted ones even uglier
i never had a way to make the pain go away
until now, with a method that leaves no marks

the temperature is all the way up
my problems, gone
my fears, gone
my tears, gone
my hatred, gone
my longing for everything i will never be, gone

i turn the faucet off
all that's left is the pure redness in my hands that will go away in the next hour until once more i need to relieve myself from, well, myself