When you have a broken brain?
The cracks in my brain keep tripping me up.
I keep falling through them.
I jump over the cracks
And right when I think I've mastered the pattern and learn to jump over them at the right time or run at the right angle to successfully leap
I trip again and fall
I fall in slow motion
The world I know, the people, the sounds
become a dandelion in the wind, every little piece breaks apart
Floating from me
I search for some place to hold onto as I fall further and further from what I know
But my hands are tied and my eyes are closed
I pray, I pray, I pray
But when it comes down to it, I'm just talking to myself

Lovely broken bibles,
Tearing at the seams,
Holy words unravel,
Praises hide the screams.

me and God took a hiatus

I found someone to blame.


I miss my man in the sky,
Most nights,
It was nice,
To have something to stand for,
Someone to look to,
An example,

A father.

Me and God took a little break,
For a long time.
When I was 9,
Where was he?
Goodbye house,
Goodbye parents,
Goodbye dreams.

I went to churches that preached hate,
And lost someone I loved,
To wicked, wicked drugs,

where was he?

I tried to find him in my heart,
I feared he'd fled,
I didn't know it was I,
who chased him out,
I didn't have him
Because I didn't want him.

We were on a break.


Then i got dizzy,

Randomly,

I made a lot of trips to the emergency room my 13th and 14th year of living,
Spent most of my time on hospital beds I began to memorize the E.R. nurses faces,
And which shifts they worked.
I became so familiar with pain,
And not being to breathe,
And medication,
After medication,

WHERE WAS HE?

now I am past most bad days,
And no longer need drugs to keep me sane,
But every once in a while I feel my faith flicker.

When I felt him the strongest this year,
I was in the middle of a field at 2am.
I was with my best friend,
And we were lying down,
Looking at the stars,

I stood up and felt so small,
So insignificant,

where was he?

I felt like the world could have swallowed me whole,


I felt that way when I was 9,
But I was on a car trip that would change my entire world,
I felt that way when I was 12,
But I was on a roof.

I hadn't felt this way in years,

It reminded me what it was like to want to die;


But I didn't.

Ah,

*there he is

I press my lips to the bottle
I wonder what it would be like to press them against yours
Something tells me that even though your lips arent poison like the alcohol
I'd still wake up the next morning with the sinking in my chest
The terrible feeling in my gut
Not from the hangover but from the fact that I know
If I had had the chance to kiss you once
One time would never be enough

cover me in my favorite colors, paint me at my best angles. learn me for not as I am but who I wish to see. To know the real me would let you see there is nothing of me except fantasy

i lay beneath the ice
my hands graze the top of the ice inches away from the surface
and i reach for a place to grab and steady myself but the slippery ice wont allow my hands to stay steady
i pound on the ice gulping water with every effort to escape
i scream hoping the sounds of my voice would free me from the cold but the ice is too thick
i scratch and kick at the ice and every time i think im getting somewhere i realize im sinking further and further away from the surface
the screams in my throat become bubbles in my chest