I did it yet again
Didn't last two months.
Only three cuts,
But it burns worse like never before.
Not twelve weeks
But it came back again.
I told you I was broken,
You never understood.
You told me to get better,
I did not believe.
And now it comes back
To haunt me.

The blood isn't much
But it is quite red.
The pain isn't strong
But the stinging for worse.
The burning is familiar.
My anxiety backed off.
Tomorrow I'll have to hide it.
So they will not get mad.
Maybe if I show him,
he will cry.
I know if I tell him,
he will wonder why.
They say that I'll get better
But they never tell me when.
They tell me I'll get stronger,
But they never tell me when.
And it still comes back
To haunt me.

-3nwlry

I know that I'm a F up, mess up,
A really big mistake.
I know that you won't tell me, but I should run away.
I know that you don't want me, like me,
Hope to see me smile.
So I just stay here in my room, dreaming for that day.

-3nwlry

I'd rather be hated than lied to
I'd rather be lonely than "Loved" by you

-3nwlry

At that moment. That night.
When I watched them dancing at the concert.
I realized I love him.
And he will never know.

-3nwlry

As I stare into your soul,
though I know it's untrue,
I worry that you'll leave.

-Cnwlry

Texas hates the trans kids
"So do I"
Says the man you claim
to be my better.

-Cnwlry

The mirror lied.
So
I fogged the glass
and drew my story

-Cnwlry

Once when we see younger
You used to tell us so,
One day when we're older
We would not turn out to much.
But now we live out years
Singing out our hearts.
I think you were mistaken
Just watch what we've become.

Watch us as we reach.
watch us as we fall.
Watch us while we sing.
Watch us at the top!
Watch us calling out:
Am we still not good enough?!
You hurt mother every night
And sister every day
I will stand talk and say:
Watch us as you fail!

When I was still young,
I watched you as you yelled
You told me to be a man.
You got drunk and mean.
You don't tell me what to do
Take your own advice.
Stay away. stay away.
We only need mother.

Watch us as we reach.
watch us as we fall.
Watch us while we sing.
Watch us at the top!
Watch us calling out:
Am we still not good enough?!
You hurt mother every night
And sister every day
I will stand talk and say:
Watch us as you fail!

As the final curtain falls
I hope you realize
what we've become.
We are stronger now,
Than you have ever been.
We will stand strong
We will shut you down.
We will show you how
You have harmed us so.

Watch us as we reach.
watch us as we fall.
Watch us while we sing.
Watch us at the top!
Watch us calling out:
Am we still not good enough?!
You hurt mother every night
And sister every day
I will stand talk and say:
Watch us as you fail!

And when you take
That final breathe
When you fall
Down to the floor
As you realize
You are alone.
I hope you think of us.
Your children
That you left.
Your spouse,
You abused.
The family you tore
I wonder if you'll cry
Try for some remorse.
Before you meet
Your God.

-3nwlry

I should have noticed when I saw it.
You tore the pages out.
I saw the blood in the sink
And tear stains on the pillow.
I don't know what it means.
I stopped eating,
When I stopped very hungry.
I can't sleep,
Cause I'm too worried.
I saw the missing pages,
In that magazine.
And I know that it was you,
Cause I know it wasn't me.
When you didn't eat, I made you.
When you couldn't sleep, I helped you.
You mean so much to me.
I didn't let you see the breakdowns
That I hide away.
I covered up my feelings
Woo you were not scared.
I focused on you, like it would help me.
You are what I care about.
I'll help you till the end.
I'll help you get better.
I'll help see the path.
I'll help you love yourself.
Then afterwards, I might help me.

-3nwlry

I stare at this blank paper
Thinking what to write.
My mind is filled with thoughts of you.
But I can never tell you.
How I really feel.
I moved away without a choice;
Here and you or there and no one.
They made me leave without goodbye.
You won't read this message.
I tried to fly but I fell, they laughed at my tears.
My eyes are glazed
My wrists are cut,
I'm crying in my room.
I haven't felt much since I left:
Sadness, loneliness, hate.
I wonder if you think of me,
Or if you forgot the memories that we made.
The stories that I shared.
Now I'm here in this loud place
Wishing I was there.
The only way I see you
Are in my dreaming hours.
I feel more alive in my head
Then I do in life.
The days are cold, the nights are colder.
I shiver head to toe.
I can't feel much anymore:
Cold, numb, tired.
My dreams are better than my days
Even if they end, I wonder if there is a way
To stay asleep forever.
I wish to see you again
But then I remember why
Why we talk no more
Why we stopped the hellos
But I know deep in my heart
I still wish to see you.
I don't want to feel.

-3nwlry

Cross my heart
Hope to die
Stick a needle in my eye
If you fall,
I'll take my turn.
Fix my flame
And make you burn.

If you live
You'll be fine,
I'll stick the needle in your eye.
Cross your heart
Hope to die.
Then you'll tell
And change your mind.
I will laugh
It's too late
To try to solve
The problems you caused.
The nightmares come
They won't leave.
It's too late to stop.
It's your fault.
It's your fault.

I'll wake you up.
And ask what's wrong.
Then you'll realize
It's just your mind
Haunting you.
I'm still in the grave
You dug.

-3nwlry

They call me disaster,
Stupid, dumb, basic, cry baby,
Lame, ugly, impossible, failure,
Bland, plain, trash, nerd,
Crazy, ******, fake, dork,
Mistake, accident, brat, loser,
Bad, untalented, useless, forgettable,
Worthless, hopeless, shameful, tone deaf,
Cow, fat, insane, dull,
Incompetent, idiot, sick, gone,
Terrible, unbearable, diseased, tired,
Special, gross, unwanted, desperate,
Try-hard, whale, pig, liar,
Never enough, child, insecure, sad,
Scared, cutter, suicidal, friendless,
Invisible, waste, self absorbed, unloved,
Torn, replaceable, copy, runaway,
Snake, snitch, sneak, lazy,
Alone, unneeded, loud, unforgivable,
Annoying, attention seeker, weak, paranoid,
Clueless, low life, dense, dark,
Freak, mess, lost, disturbing,
Last choice, lost cause, slacker, bag lady,
Chubby, poison, horrible, sleepless,
Cockroach, gullible, sloppy, short,
Joke, cope out, foolish, selfish.

All in one name.
"Emily"

-3nwlry

I'm tired of you telling me what to do
I'm tired of repeating what you say
I'm tired of you telling me
How to act how to play
How to live my life.
They say you only want the best for me
But that is not very right.
One day I will show you
How I choose to live
We'll see who wins
I'll be free
You will find out
You never got me
You never got to me.

I wonder if one day
You will say my name
And ask me me to help you.
I will smile and say few words.
"So you remembered I was here"
I am not sure what I will do
I'm not sure if I'll help.
I will show you
How I love how I act
What I choose
Tell me now,
Did I drive you mad?
Did I get to you?

-3nwlry

As I stare at the empty stage,
"When will I find my place?"
I think that I deserve to live.
"When will I find my way home?"
I think that I am lost.
As I stare at the empty stage
No one else around.
I sit at this piano fence and play my song.
I think that I'm losing it.
"When will I find my place inside?"
I think I deserve to run.
"When will I meet my end of hiding?"

-3nwlry

When the dark creeps in
And you need a friend
To tell you it's a dream
It's not reality.
When you are alone
But don't want to feel that way,
That's where I come in.
See the poems sent through that phone.
Read those words sent to you.
That is me
You are not alone.
No matter where you are.
You don't need to be scared
When you are there.
Save your breathe
They don't hear you anyway.
If you walk away
And they don't care,
They aren't your friends.
That's where I come in.

-3nwlry

I'll paint my nails
Fix up my hair
Anything you say.
Get good grades
Wear high heels
You never listen anyway.
Who cares if I am strange?

They dare to call me names.
So I'll change my clothes
Cut my hair
Just exactly as I please.

You won't hear me anyway
Who cares if I change my name?
Who cares if I dare come out?
So what? So what?

I put make up on
And starve til I'm enough
Is this truly what you want?
Is this truly what you need?

A daughter who is prefect
A daughter just to see

Who cares what I say?
Who dares challenge me?
So what if I shut my eyes?
"Fix your hair"
"Do your nails"
Anything I should do.

I will not listen anymore
To what you have to say.
Maybe I'll change everything
Even change the game.
"Wear a smile and wait a while"
I won't follow you anymore.


-Cnwlry

Waiting, wishing, wonder
Crawling, yelling, yonder
Wasting, walking, wander
"Time is money"
"Money is freedom"
I do not believe.

-3nwlry

If this what it takes.
I will be the one to bear the pain.
I'll hide the blades away.
And carve my arm until it burns and breaks.
They won't listen anyway.

If this is what it takes.
I will be the one to feel all pain.
I'll take this gun to my head,
And shoot until my life fades away.
They won't listen anyway.

If this is what it takes.
I will try my best so they will see.
I'll wrap this role around my neck,
And hang until my neck gives way.
They won't listen anyway.

If this is what it takes.
I will be the one in the grave.
I do my best for them.
But they won't listen anyway.

-3nwlry

Writing feels impossible.
It's not that I don't want to
Or that I don't have motivation for it.
The words are still inside,
Waiting to escape.

Maybe I got used to silence.
Finally. Right?
But I still have too much to say
And no one to hear it.

I try to say what I think
But no one gets it.
They say trauma is trauma
And if it affects me then it is.

But while I stare at the screen
Feeling hollow
I know that others feel the same.
So I will write.

I will write even though it hurts me.
I will write to you though I don't know you.
I will write till my fingers bleed.
I will write so we are not alone.

I'm here.

-Cnwlry

Mother, father picture this the story which I share.
A house that has been whole but you tore it quite apart
Making me wonder why.
Why you would leave me here with that monster of a man.
I have been torn against the seam The agony of it all!
Back and forth, to and from. Florida and Colorado.
I think I misplaced my smile. People call me broken.
They throw me away like a toy that lost a piece
You say you're sorry. You say you care
But you never see
The scars I have. The cracks that broke
No one understands
Someday maybe somebody will care
I can't believe any one
Since you promised to me
"We'll never divorce" You said to me
But then you broke the deal.
I still have the tender feelings that I held for you
But they aren't in my hands, they're in my pocket,
Out of reach for you to take away.
But please don't leave, I need some help.
Can you show me how to care again?

-3nwlry