Chloe's Not An Angel: Poems

Chloe's Not An Angel Nov 2016

It is still haunting me
Refusing to leave
Wanting me to give in
Yet I am too proud to do so
Which just tricks me into
Slavery of feeling like I should
Which rabbit hole will I fall down
This time?
What way am I willing to go?

#thoughts #recovered #ed #eatingproblems

Without Aspiration

Chloe's Not An Angel Oct 2016

Without Aspiration

You just have to remember it's not time to run away,
And not because you know you don't want to,
But because no one will let you.
This is how reality works:
It forces you to do painful things you swear you cannot.
You know you have accomplished things,
You pushed for them hard enough.
Now you have to keep going,
Because you didn't get this far to just give up.
You may feel like you have no willpower to try,
But you have to get through this again.
You need to at least try to get good grades,
Or to yourself you'll be good as dead.
I know you don't have the aspiration, you feel you don't have the strength;
You need to ace this all again to get to where you've planned.
You feel like nothing will work and you'll be stuck in destruction all your life,
My dear, if you go through hard patches,
Then you have to put up a good fight.
So tell them that you'll try,
Because they don't want you to.
Tell them up inside your head that you will have that aspiration again.
You tell them girl,
That you will do more than the best they thought you could,
Because I know this women is a whole lot stronger than she looks.

#reality #hard #struggles #effort #aspiration #lacking-aspiration #a-levels

Working out friends

Chloe's Not An Angel Jul 2018

Working out friends

Often people say they're your friends out of kindness;
Something almost like duty,
So that you don't have to feel rejection
As long as you don't need it, possibly.

Not only do I wonder if I am a victim,
But I am half guilty of it.
You could say I have a high standard of what friendship means,
Although, once that I say it,
It often takes on that meaning.
I don't aspire to lie so I say it and then afterwards I mean it.

We could like each other,
And get along okay,
But unless you assure me it's safe to say,
Then I won't assume we are friends,
As this word can mean many different things.
If you ask of it as if you expect a yes, as long as it's not a sick joke,
I will then say yes and mean it,
Because some have higher classifications of friends than others,
But sometimes it's used more loosely:
People you talk to,
People you're very fond of,
Or people like family:
We mutually work it out together,
Between us, don't we?

#friends #definition

You Can't Evade Escapism

Chloe's Not An Angel May 2018

You Can't Evade Escapism

I feel it's pull again,
Like gravity I can't avoid it,
Do I gather my defences,
Attempt to make the peace last a little longer?

Only if I forget something:
That this is my defence
Yet it never needs a reason to grasp me,
Making me crumble under its fix.

Slowly? I ask,
Just one more breath lasting in reality?
Slowly? - gone.
And I won't be coming back for as long as
The storm inside my head lasts.

The truth about this is,
It doesn't like being ignored.
I could try to distract myself,
Only it would never be successful
Once it's on it's way it won't leave you,
Not until it's satisfied and
You're weeping all alone,
Because all that's just happened to you
Is nothing to anyone at all.

Explains my experience of Maladaptive Daydreaming.

#maladaptive #daydreaming #mdd #escapism #dissociation

You Can't Have What You Haven't Got

Chloe's Not An Angel Feb 2017

You Can't Have What You Haven't Got

There's this little part of me sometimes
Who wants to know her father,
But the real her does not
Because she knows the one she would want
Is the complete opposite of reality.
But you see that's fine, really,
Because she could never find him anyway.
Her mother chases her kids father figures away,
Except just now it seemed their dads
Were coming back for them.
But my father can never come back for me.
You can't miss what you've never had
And I've heard that saying for a very long time,
That man that I don't want to know,
The one I shed tears for as a child,
I doubt knows that I exist.
So he can't come and find me,
But if he could I doubt he would anyway.
So still I will just have to say:
That you can't have what you haven't got.

#family #absent #fathers

You Make Me

Chloe's Not An Angel Mar 2016

You Make Me

You make me want to burn it all.
All of you and every path you cross.
God said that we should be kind.

You make me feel so loopy, crazy,
And astonished.
The things you do rot inside of my head.
God said that we should be forgiving.

You make me question why things happen;
They're just going to be undone.
The people who seem would be most innocent make me question why
God said you should love everyone.

Your Vacant Place

Chloe's Not An Angel Aug 2019

Your Vacant Place

Why aren’t you here?
I feel like screaming
If I ever had a chance the words would disappear,
You’re never going to be close enough to hear me,
You must have blocked me out long ago
And now all I’m doing is disrupting myself,
Maybe it’s you that’s giving me ill health.

It’s okay, I don’t mean it,
I could say I know it’s my fault
But then something stops me,
The fact it is not,
You left me, you deserted without ever existing to me,
Yet I have to exist just because you decided?
I don’t care how you put it,
You weren’t there and “nothing being fair”
Is supposed to make that all okay again.
It was never okay to begin with.

Maybe I could have been enough,
How would you know?
You never gave me a chance to try,
So when I feel like trying, I push all this distraught energy upon myself,
I doom myself to days of playing to lose,
Because what is the use?
I blame it on you, then I blame it on me,
Even though deep down I know it’s not really
My fault because you did this to me,
How could I have hurt you?
Just some innocent cells that you’d already decided
Were too much for you.

Or I make different scenarios,
All of them painful and none profound,
So I can spread this blazing blame,
Across two people who
Will probably never feel shame about it,
I let my mind drift to an alternate universe,
Where maybe you could’ve been good,
Just a little, although I feel ashamed
To let myself immerse in such pointless activity,
In an alternate universe I wouldn’t be deserving anyway,
But it’s all pent up, and I say it’s how you’ve made me feel,
But what if it’s just me?
What if the whispers are right and it is my fault?
Maybe you were always better off
Without me and that’s why you’re not here,
Because you should never have been weighed down by me,
So well done, congratulations
Because you know you never were,
You must’ve got your happy ending,
While I’m still here waiting
To feel like I can love someone
Even if your ever there space may have broke me.

#absent #vacant #father #family #abadonmemt #blame

— The End —