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Jun 2019 · 134
Sunshine
CataclysticEvent Jun 2019
Sunshine
There are days when I feel as though
I may actually be okay.
It’ll be a good day where I am not
weighed down by anything in my brain.
I can function on a level that almost
resembles normal.

But those days don’t last.
And they are not more then half my days.
Most days I spend in this state of mundane,
existing.

But on my dark days.
On the days when the sky has no light.
And my mind is as turbulent as the sea in a tsunami.
Those days tend to take up my months.
And I spend most days,
Trying not to drown.

But those good days.
God do those good days taste wonderful.
After months of tasting ash and debris in my mouth.
Those good days taste like sunshine.
Continue reading...
Jun 2019 · 439
Grounding?
CataclysticEvent Jun 2019
Grounding?
And the ground beneath
My feet vanishes.
The air in my lungs
Evaporates within me.
The blood in my veins
Exsanguinates through my pores.
And my mind shrivels and expands
Like the core ready to explode.
And I’m dying.

5 things I can see:
The chair
The sky
The door
The walls
My hand

The walls are closing in.
4 things I can touch:
The floor
The chair
My hair
The walls

The walls swirl in my vision
3 things I can hear:
The birds outside
The fan
The sound of my feet bouncing off the floor.

The walls move in and out of my vision.
2 things I can smell
The cut grass.
The sweat on my skin

The walls
1 thing I can taste:
The salt on my lips.

And then the walls vanish.
#grounding #anxietyattack #panic #mentalillness #mentalwellbeing #depression #lost
Continue reading...
Jun 2019 · 105
Muse
CataclysticEvent Jun 2019
Muse
You will never truly die
Because a writer loved you
With such an immense force.
Every sunset is about you.
Every sunrise is too.

Every morning begins with you.
And every night ends there too.
Such a love will never die.
It only changes and molds.
To something we like to call grief.
Continue reading...
Jun 2019 · 545
....
CataclysticEvent Jun 2019
....
Depression
Being so tired you can't get up.
You can't drag yourself out of bed.
Anxiety
Being so wound up you can't sleep.
You can't sit still without feeling like
Your skin will crawl off.
It's a weird feeling having both at once.
Like you can't move,
But under your skin in vibrating.
Continue reading...
Jun 2019 · 187
Patchwork Creation
CataclysticEvent Jun 2019
Patchwork Creation
There is this innocence we have as children.
This fundamental right
to believe in a world where anything is possible.
That our daddy's can scare away any boogeyman,
Hiding under our beds or in our closets.
That the world is full of possibilities,
and there is endless time
covered in romantic notions.
But as adults we are no longer fundamentally innocent.
We are patchworks.
Taped in some spots that come lose all the time.
And sewn together in other spots,
That don't come undone all so often.
But we are broken and glued back together,
more often then even we are willing to admit to ourselves.
We harbor resentment and bias,
creating our own worlds in which the boogeyman
is everyone.
and not a soul can save us from him.
The part of us that was so eager,
The part of us that believed in a world of endless possibility
Withers and rots.
Leaving just the acidic taste of lack luster life.
Endless, monotonous daily tasks.
Craving the days when the world didn't feel like
The inside of stove with the pilot burning but out.
We are no longer the innocent.
We are the patchwork creation of a life,
That hasn't always been forgiving.
We are what our children think can save them from anything.
We are the boogeyman killer
The demon vanquisher.
Patchwork and all we may not be innocent,
But we are strong.
#strength #power #keepfighting #live #patchworkcreations #wearestrong
Continue reading...
Jun 2019 · 111
What it's like to get to the finish line After my dad has already passed.
CataclysticEvent Jun 2019
What it's like to get to the finish line After my dad has already passed.
It is like running a 2 year long marathon
In all types of weather.
To see the finish line coming up
And when you get there
For a moment there isn't anyone there.
The streets are bare.
It is dead silent.
And all the anticipation
Just vanishes.
No one is there to even see you finish.
But then the fog clears
And you realize there are people here.
They were just hidden behind
The fog.
The fog I can now say was grief.
Hitting the finish line
Without him here.
Was like reaching the end
And for a moment
I had to take the time to sit
With no one there
The silence his space that's now empty
The loneliness
The penance for his absence.
But,
Slowly that grief lifts
And I am reminded of everyone else,
Who is here today.
Continue reading...
Jun 2019 · 261
Liquid sand
CataclysticEvent Jun 2019
Liquid sand
My insides
Vibrate as if my
Muscles have been turned into
A 5 foot 3 ***** on extreme.
And my mind is thrown
Back and forth inside my skull.
What do I do
If I failed?
What do I do
If everything I have ever wanted
Slips between my fingers like
Liquid sand.
Continue reading...
Jun 2019 · 104
Reminded
CataclysticEvent Jun 2019
Reminded
Not a month goes by without
The reminder that my dad
Isn't here anymore.
Not a day goes by,
That I am not reminded
Of the fact that I am
In all essence of the word an orphan.
With no family to rely on.
Not a second goes by
That I am not reminded
Of the fact that you
Are gone and I still need you.
And it's not easy,
Figuring who I am now,
Without you.
Time doesn't pass unnoticed.
I am reminded of your absence
With every second you are gone.
Like a bad joke,
And I just don't get the punch line.
Continue reading...
Jun 2019 · 131
I Wonder?
CataclysticEvent Jun 2019
I Wonder?
I often wonder what my life would have
Been like, had it started differently.
If I had a mother who adored me.
Gave me all the affection I wanted.
Protected me when I needed.
If I'd still be the same.
My tragic life of
Misfortune, neglect, pain,
Suffering, ****, abuse, and fear
Have shaped me
Created the girl that I am.
With a moral code so strong,
With standards about empathy and caring
So above standard.
I am reminded daily.
"Not everyone is like you.
Not everyone cares as strongly,
For so many as you do."

Would that girl be gone?
I believe the tragic life,
That i was given,
Was to create the woman that I am today.
And the outstanding and amazing
Father I was given,
Was to offset the mother I was denied.

And anyday of the week.
Any year in my life.
I'd take the life and father i was given,
Over a better life without him.
And without the woman that I became.
#alternatereality #whowouldibe
Continue reading...
Jun 2019 · 271
Colors
CataclysticEvent Jun 2019
Colors
And it all went gray.
All the color in my life drained away.
The vibrancy in my words
Liquified and ran down the drains,
Of my life like tears.
My life became a black and white movie
With no sound.
A vestibule to my torment.
Then like a solar flare.
Blue awash my vision.
And slowly as it cleared there was you.
Blue in all your glory
In my world that had been gray for so long.
And the colors are slowly coming back.
In small solar flares at a time.
Glimpses of oranges, purples, and pinks.
But my favorite,
The vibrant life assuring ...
Green.
Continue reading...
Jun 2019 · 71
The girl from before
CataclysticEvent Jun 2019
The girl from before
Who I was
"Before".
I'll never be her again.
I'll never run my fingers
Across her framed walls.
Never again will
The troubles of today,
Be tomorrows problem.
I'll never get to smell
The scent of lilac from
The nose of the girl I used to be.
I'll never hear the words,
"Love ya" from the ears of the girl,
That's used to be me.

The girl I was before
I don't know that girl anymore.
Continue reading...
Jun 2019 · 156
The trouble with food
CataclysticEvent Jun 2019
The trouble with food
I still struggle with
How loud my food is on my plate.
How it screams at me,
Pokes and prods my squishy parts.
I struggle with
The sweet endearment of my softness.
How he loves my "curves".
My mind screaming FAT.
Trying to destroy the sweet sentiment
That he so freely hands to me.
Like a rose he's specifically plucked for me.
To show me he thinks my "curves"
Are worth the fact that food
Makes me gag when I realize how
Fat I've become, and how
I struggle so badly with the number
On the scale.
I threw the **** thing in the trash.
HA!
Let's see how you torment me now,
When you can't flash the red numbers
In my face.
FAT!
I struggle.
Daily to remember I am not
A number on  a scale.
I am not a size in my jeans.
I struggle
Not to scream at myself,
And starve myself back to "perfect"
Avoiding mirrors like snickers bars.
As if they may crack with my reflection.
At the hideousness of my softness.
Looking down,up next to, around
But never at the woman in the mirror.
At the curve of her waist.
Or the curves in her hips.
As if I dare look, if I dare
Accept that woman in the mirror
Accept the softness of her.
Maybe food wouldn't make me gag.
But I struggle.
I avoid full length photos like,
Maybe if i can't see "HER"
She doesn't exist.
Continue reading...
Jun 2019 · 179
Heartbreak muse
CataclysticEvent Jun 2019
Heartbreak muse
The one thing about pain,
There is never an end
To the amount of material
We get from the experience.
Heartbreak is such
A wonderful Muse.
Continue reading...
Jun 2019 · 87
One without the other
CataclysticEvent Jun 2019
One without the other
If the good didn't come with the bad.
How would we know the difference
Between the two?
If we never knew sorrow,
How would we know great joy?
If we never knew lose,
How would we know love?
We forget that one without the other,
Means there was never anything at all.
I would rather know grief,
Then never having loved.
And I would rather have known bad,
Then having never known the good.
There are two sides for a reason,
One without the other leaves us
With a monotone palate of expression.
Continue reading...
May 2019 · 99
Weeds
CataclysticEvent May 2019
Weeds
Among the rubble of my life,
I have found bright green vines.
Vines that have slowly kept together
My world by bringing in all of my broken parts.
Who knew something known as a ****.
A nuisance,
Would be my saving grace.
We should question less,
The beauty of something because people say it shouldn’t be so.
The beautiful things in my life,
Are often deemed weeds.
Continue reading...
May 2019 · 164
32 Letters in May- Note 32
CataclysticEvent May 2019
32 Letters in May- Note 32
32 letters written in May.
Almost all about you.
That however is nothing new.
But all this writing.
Coming to terms,
Sorta, Kinda.
One thing always rings true.
You were my very best friend.
and
God did i love you.
Also,
I'm almost 99% positive.
That on top of bringing me
Lucille, my savior with 4 legs.
You also brought me him.
Guiding us back to one another.
Where I always belonged.
So thank you.
For looking out for me,
Even after you left.
I'd expect nothing less,
Of my first and favorite savior.
Continue reading...
May 2019 · 133
32 Letters in May- Note 31
CataclysticEvent May 2019
32 Letters in May- Note 31
Breathless
Coy
Slightly off course.
Belligerant
Fumbling
With little remorse.
That is how I love you.
That is how I will always love you.
All the way.
Continue reading...
May 2019 · 360
32 Letters in May- Note 30
CataclysticEvent May 2019
32 Letters in May- Note 30
Being sick isn't easy.
But even harder when,
From the outside looking in
Everything is perfectly fine.
But from the inside looking out,
The days are black as night.
And no one left the light on
Continue reading...
May 2019 · 115
32 Letters in May- Note 29
CataclysticEvent May 2019
32 Letters in May- Note 29
And I cried:
What did I ever do
To deserve demons like you!
And my demons replied:
"Oh little girl can't you see,
Who you are you wouldn't be without me.
Continue reading...
May 2019 · 116
32 Letters in May- Note 28
CataclysticEvent May 2019
32 Letters in May- Note 28
The night sky is cloudy.
Stars unable to be seen for miles.
The air is silent.
Except for the sound of the rain.
Not even the animals make a sound

The headlights point
To the woods.
The engine shut off long ago.

The only movement,
Is a single red ribbon floating in the wind.
The rain bouncing off the ground.
And a single displaced shoe
Laying on the ground.
Continue reading...
May 2019 · 170
32 Letters in May- Note 26
CataclysticEvent May 2019
32 Letters in May- Note 26
I don’t know why it feels as though,
I have known you my whole life.
As if instead of getting to know a new person,
Rather I am remembering all of the things,
another me has forgotten.
As if maybe we have been here before.
Maybe in another life,
Another universe.
Where our stars;
Crossed paths once again.
Destined to be no matter what
Path we take in our lives.
And I’m not one to believe in the fates,
Or that we have soul mates that are ours.
However,
I do believe in connections.
Soul connections where people can recognize,
Another soul that matches theirs.
Like the internal wirings of our bodies say,
“Oh hey, I know you.”

And then those connections stick.
And we are drawn closer to one another.
Maybe not forever,
Maybe for only moments.
But the connections of the soul,
Are ones that we remember,
Randomly for no reason.
Even if it was only a quick Hello in an elevator,
Never to see each other again.
Those Connections,
We remember them.

We remember you.
#soulconnections #love #hope #passion #ohheyyou #fate
Continue reading...
May 2019 · 107
32 Letters in May- Note 25
CataclysticEvent May 2019
32 Letters in May- Note 25
How long is forever?
A second or two.
Maybe as long as
It takes to say thank you.

We spend hours fretting
Over moments and things
only to realize,
We’re only on strings.

Being pulled and twisted.
Into the will of other’s desires.
Running all over
Just trying to put out their fires.

The wills of the world.
Sitting on our shoulders.
Clogging our throats
As if we’ve swallowed boulders.

Trying to please a world
We do not understand.
Living in fear
Of what else will be banned.

Covered in fear
Drowning in doubt.
Surrounded by lies
We can’t figure out.
Continue reading...
May 2019 · 106
32 Letters in May- Note 24
CataclysticEvent May 2019
32 Letters in May- Note 24
Broken glass liters the ground.
****** footprints all around.

I search for peace,
Within this release.

Only for a moment I’m free.
Floating  among the clouds carefree.

Then the anger, doubt, and worry.
Cover me in smoke in a flurry.

Reminding me of what I’ve done/
How this would hurt everyone.

And once again the blood on the floor,
Isn’t such a relief anymore.

And my short escape from here
Just as quickly will disappear.

Among my many other mistakes.
Like my own mental outbreaks.

Why can I never remember this part.
Where all the relief just falls apart.

Turning to regret.
Forgetting it all and hit….
                                Reset.
Continue reading...
May 2019 · 153
32 Letters in May- Note 23
CataclysticEvent May 2019
32 Letters in May- Note 23
Tell me your secrets.
The ones you're to afraid to speak.
Tell me the darkest parts of your mind.
Where the dark parts of you lurk.
Use me like a vault.
No one will ever get in.
Your secrets are safe with me.
I'll never let them see.
Use me,
Let me be your secret place.
To place all your wordy posessions.
Don't hold yourself do tightly.
When I'm willing to be your ear.
There's no point in hiding
When spoken it'll only disapear.
Beneath the vault in me,
Where all my deepest darkest secrets no one will ever see.
Continue reading...
May 2019 · 105
32 Letters in May- Note 22.
CataclysticEvent May 2019
32 Letters in May- Note 22.
I have had passion.
I have had over the top,
Bring you to your knees love.
Have had...
Meaning past tense.
Because passion fades.
It is like a mirage.
Fading the closer to it you get.
An ambient light,
Gone as soon as you near.
I have had utterly devote love.
I'd do anything for you.
I'd be any one for yoh.
Had, past tense.
The thing with all that.
All the things the books write out
In love stories.
Created to make you believe
That real love.
True love should be
This all consuming love.
That drops you to your knees
This passion you can not control.
That's not real love.
That isnt true love.
Those are fairytales
With fairytale creates.
For children to learn that love isnt scary.
Real love is hard
It's a choice.
It's annoying, and aggravating.
Its smiling but also wanting to slap them.

It took me a long time to learn.
Real love is a slow burn.
That ignites randomly.
And you're consumed with it.
But itll burn down.
Smolder instead of ignite.
And you fall into this blissful.
Ordinary.
Ordinary life.
Filled with everyday tasks.
And in between the ordinary.
Are these extraordinary
Ignitions of passion.
And those,
That is what true love is.
Ordinary moments of choice
With extraordinary moments
Of passion.
Continue reading...
May 2019 · 119
32 Letters in May- Note 21
CataclysticEvent May 2019
32 Letters in May- Note 21
I breath you in.
Deep drawing breaths.
Hoping to make them last.
Until I see you again.
As if to breath
Your very essence into my soul.
Brand your scent into mine.
To last a lifetime.
Continue reading...
May 2019 · 108
32 Letters in May- Note 20
CataclysticEvent May 2019
32 Letters in May- Note 20
We used to chase dreams together.
Set our sites on another adventure.
Another goal to crush.
My dreams became yours.
Your dreams became mine.
And our stars turned into the same universe.

But when your stars burnt out.
My universe changed color.
And I was left,
Wondering where I was.
The dreams we used to chase together,
I had to chase myself.
And I wasn't ever sure if I'd make it.
If I'd conquer the adventures without you.
And our dreams would die with you.

But I'm chasing those dreams
I'm finding those adventures.
And I've picked up a few people on the way.
So our dreams,
Your dreams,
Are very much alive.
I've got them for you.
And each one I achieve.
Each adventure I take,
I'll be bringing you too.

You will never truly die.
Because a writer loved you dearly.
And every adventure,
Every story will forever
Have a piece if you in it.
Continue reading...
May 2019 · 92
32 Letters in May- Note 19
CataclysticEvent May 2019
32 Letters in May- Note 19
My grief for the loss of you
Is indescribable.
But,
It'll never be more
Then the grief you must have
For not being here.
I lost you
But you lost all of us.
Ripped from here
In an instant.
You weren't given even
A moment to say goodbye.
To collect your thoughts,
Only moments to realize:
You weren't ready to go.
So my grief my be breathtaking
And my grief may drop me to my knees.
But yours must be more.
It must reverberate off the walls
Of heaven like a shock wave.
Shattering souls.
And I try to remember while
I may have lost you.
I am still here.
I am still alive.
And every moment I take for granted
Every minute I waste wishing I
Was dead, not here.
Wishing I could give up.
Is another loss for you
Another blow to your heart.
Because I am still here.
I am still able to make a difference
Be the change.
The change you saw in me.
So I'm doing my best
To remember
That i am still here.
Continue reading...
May 2019 · 114
32 Letters in May- note 18
CataclysticEvent May 2019
32 Letters in May- note 18
The finish line is here.
I've finally crossed it.
Finally gotten to the end
Of this chapter
Graduation.
Finally a nurse.
Only the state boards
Stand in my way
Of the very beginning
Of my dreams.
Continue reading...
May 2019 · 138
32 Letters in May- Note 17
CataclysticEvent May 2019
32 Letters in May- Note 17
And all at once
It hits me
One look
And how much
I truly love you
Drowns me.
And I'm soaked
To the bone.
Never having known
This immense a love.
Continue reading...
May 2019 · 119
32 Letters in May- Note 15
CataclysticEvent May 2019
32 Letters in May- Note 15
I try to think,
back to after you got sick.
to the details outside
Of you and your cancer.

But the harder I
Try to place my finger
upon those details,
The more i realize
I wasn't paying attention.

I can't remember
anything but you.
Sick, in pain, and scared.
Begging me not to leave.
Telling me...

"I'm not ready to leave.
I'm not ready to go.
You, me and Willow
Still have a lot to do."

So I don't remember.
I only remember my dad.
And that he wasn't ready to go
Anymore then we were ready
to let him go.
Continue reading...
May 2019 · 217
32 Letters in May- Note 14
CataclysticEvent May 2019
32 Letters in May- Note 14
Dear Me,
It's you.
We are us.
Stop demolishing the
Foundation we built below us.
Don't demolish years
Of growth for moments,
Of doubt from others.
You, me, us
Are enough.
Love,
    Me
Continue reading...
May 2019 · 110
32 Letters in May- Note 13
CataclysticEvent May 2019
32 Letters in May- Note 13
I’ve become accustom to a world without you.
A world where I have this space that I cautiously,
Meticulously walk around during the day.

Knowing you aren’t here,
But keeping the thought and knowledge in the back
Of my mental space so I only feel the vibration of the loss.
But at night or rough days,
The knowledge of your loss is something I can’t ignore.
And it suffocates me.
Takes the breath from my lungs,
the physical pain I feel in my chest is unmistakable.

Grief.
So eloquently I avoid the grief during the day.
When I need to stay focused on the world I'm in now.
The facade I’ve mastered is beautiful.
but on days when I can’t or when my mind is bored,
I can’t avoid the empty space in my life that vibrates me to my core.

Where the grief is stored.
Where the anger reveals itself to be
True grief.
Honest loss.
Reliable devastation.

And I have to learn how to live,
With the constant vibration,
Of grief.
Continue reading...
May 2019 · 92
32 Letters in May- Note 12
CataclysticEvent May 2019
32 Letters in May- Note 12
So today is Mother’s Day.
And while you were my dad,
Every year I wished you a Happy Mother’s Day too.
Because you’re the one who taught me all the things,
That my mother should have but didn’t

The man who tried to put my hair up,
Even if it was a disaster, you were never very good at it.
But I always appreciated the fact that you tried.

The man who bought me my first box of pads,
When I came out of the bathroom mortified that I wasn’t prepared.
But you handled it like a champ and just went right out and got them for me.

So today is a little more empty then before.
Where the emptiness used to be the fact that my mother had failed me.
She had failed to be a good mother, her best just wasn’t enough.
Now the emptiness is that you aren’t here either, and now I just feel like an orphan.

With my roots ripped out of the ground.
Not sure where exactly I belong, or if I even belong anywhere anymore.

But happy mother’s Day in Heaven Dad.
I hope you know that even though you’re gone
I’m still thankful every day for you, who you were, and who you helped me become.
Continue reading...
May 2019 · 108
32 Letters in May- Note 11
CataclysticEvent May 2019
32 Letters in May- Note 11
I used to think that I knew exactly what I wanted in my other half.  In the person that I thought I would spend forever with.
As a teenager I used to think that it would be this romantic adventure.
That nothing would ever come between us.
However as an adult with lifetimes worth of pain, and lessons achieved in the first 27 years.  I have learnt that this is nothing short of inadequate.  This is shallow love that never truly reaches the depth of a person’s soul.  
To the raw marrow oh who we are.  Where the dark things live, and where the annoying resides. Where we hide all the most uniquely wonderful weird things about ourselves.  Only to be taken out later when we choose to stay, we choose to show ourselves to the other.
Love is messy and unkind at times.  It is a choice to love a person who is getting on every nerve that you have.
It’s choosing to see all of the imperfections they have and loving them, because those imperfections show they are real, they are honest.
Love is not a fairytale of epic adventures without hardship.  It’s hardship after hardship with someone else there to help pick you up off the floor, and dust off the dirt.
Love is not easy.  It is hard and it is a choice daily to love them even when, every nerve in you wants them to leave you alone, or to stop talking.  Because deep down you know without all of that stuff, without their incessant nagging and annoyances you would be lost, and life…
Would just not be as annoyingly wonderful as it is with them by your side.
Love is not fairytales.  It’s grit and grime more out of a scene from tales of the crypt.  But it is beautiful and wonderful, and when you find that special person who even when they annoy you, you want to squish them with adoration,   you’ll truly know exactly what LOVE actually looks like.
Continue reading...
May 2019 · 85
32 letters in May- Note 10
CataclysticEvent May 2019
32 letters in May- Note 10
10 things you should know.
1. I am broken
2. But that broken doesn’t mean I am incapable or inadequate.
3. I am tough as nails; I don’t need anyone or anything.
4. In a more real sense # 3 is all lies it’s horseshit and I am aware of that but no one else needs to know that, I am tough but I am not infallible.
5. I fly by the seat of my pants unless I don’t and then then I’m so obsessive just get outta the way. Because in a very real sense I may run you over.
6. I’m quiet, but some days I am so quiet it can be deafening. And I am aware of how the silence can completely unhinge some people.
7. I will fight for you with such force no one will ever get to you, but I’ll never expect the same in return. And I know that this alone can irritate anyone, and even hurt them and insult them, but I can’t help it.
8. I don’t trust easy. And I won’t trust without 100% faith in them.  And that faith comes with a price; I have minimal friendships or connections because of it.
9. I love fast and I love hard without walls, but I won’t tell you or express it well, I am really bad at that. I am aware of how bad I am at showing how much I care, but I think I do it subconsciously to protect myself, my pride in case they don’t love back.
10. I try. Every day I try to do better and try to be better. And I will try harder every day to be the best that I can be. And I know that leaves sometimes too much room for feeling inadequate, and never enough, but I also know I’ll always keep trying to be enough.
Continue reading...
May 2019 · 158
32 Letters in May- Note 9
CataclysticEvent May 2019
32 Letters in May- Note 9
My Lifeline
Once upon a time
it used to be my dad.
He was my safety.
The person I could count on
to have my back.
"I've got you."
But he's gone.
And somewhere along the way
he handed you the keys
to my walls.
And gave you the manual to protect me.
Somehow you took over
where he left the
car running.
And as you learn the way
you've slowly made it possible
for me to trust someone
other than him.
And now
you've become my person
My "I've got you."
The person to bring me back.
From the darkness of my own mind.
You've become....
                                My Lifeline.
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May 2019 · 115
32 letters in May- Note 8
CataclysticEvent May 2019
32 letters in May- Note 8
For my daughter.
I hope you know I love you
And that no matter what
Everything I've ever done has been
What's best for you.
When you're older I hope
That you're proud of the mother
I have become.
I won't ever be perfect.
And you'll get mad at me
More then I'd like to admit to myself.
You'll think I'm ruining your life,
And if you say you hate me
Know that I immediately forgive you.
I'll get mad and sometimes yell.
I'll lose my cool and regret my
Anger immediately.
I won't always say yes to you,
But know if I don't I promise I have a reason.
But most importantly I need
You to know,
No matter what you do
No matter where you are
If you're mad at me or not
I'm here for you always.
If need be with no questions.
I've got you.
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May 2019 · 129
32 Letter in May- Note 7
CataclysticEvent May 2019
32 Letter in May- Note 7
My days consist of
an Acrobats walk
along this black hole
within my chest.
Balancing among the rubble
within my heart.
Stumbling into its blackness to drown.
But climbing out
to walk along the edges again.
A little further away from the edge each time.
My grief a balancing act.
One where
During the day I circle
the edge of the darkness.
But at night
I fall into the darkness.
Only to resurface again in the morning.
#grief #loss #braincancerawareness
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May 2019 · 99
32 Letters in May-Note 6
CataclysticEvent May 2019
32 Letters in May-Note 6
Somewhere between here
and then.
Between what was and what could be.
I lost you.
And then I found him.
The boy!
The one you promised I'd find.
The one who would
change my mind.
Would crumble my wall.
But how do I move
Forward without your steady hand?
You won't be there at a wedding.
Or the birth of a grandchild.
How do I have a child,
that will never know you.
You knew him and liked him.
But how do I give myself
Permission to have a life.
A new life where you
can't be here for it.
How do I let that be okay?
Becusem,
I'd really like to keep him.
But i gotta keep going if i want to keep him.
So tell me Dad........
How do I let myself have a happy life
without you here with me?
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May 2019 · 159
32 Letters in May- Note 5
CataclysticEvent May 2019
32 Letters in May- Note 5
My control has become
the thing I grasp onto
My OCD on high alert
Rewriting a planner
13 times in 6 months.
More rewriting then months.
But the mistakes
grate at me
rubbing me raw.
The white out,
Like a black mark
on my life.
Another reminder
that I failed
to save you.
and then I realize
I have no control
my life run by failed
attempts to remain flawless.
only to be reminded by whiteout.
That I failed you
I couldn't save you.
And I stayed.
I let you go
And I stayed.
Like a black stain on me,
I stayed.
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May 2019 · 57
Love and decay 32 letters in May- note 4
CataclysticEvent May 2019
Love and decay 32 letters in May- note 4
Love is a fickle thing.
It's great until it doesn't get its way.
When the object of the love
Is removed,
Love turns to decay.
Blackening the heart.
Without you here the love rots.
And decays.
Creating a black hole
******* the rest of the joy
And happiness in other parts of my life
into it.
And grief is what they call it.
Soul *******,
World crushing
Grief.
And the love I want to give to you
Turns to sadness with no where to go.
Rots and decays within my chest.
Until the grief swallows it whole.
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May 2019 · 104
32 Letters of May- Note 3
CataclysticEvent May 2019
32 Letters of May- Note 3
How wonderful it would be if
May was just a month
And grey was just a color
If the 27th was just a day
And 0319 just a time
If 20 was just a number.
And the brain just another body part.

But that's not the case
That's just not true
Because every single one of those
Correlates to you.
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May 2019 · 333
Grey/Gray 32 Letters of May-Note 2
CataclysticEvent May 2019
Grey/Gray 32 Letters of May-Note 2
Grey like this
Or gray like that.
At least with May
It's spelt one way.
It's one word
Two spellings is just absurd.
But how do I honor you,
What you went through.
If I can't figure out
Without a doubt,
What the hell way
To spell the word grey/gray.
Brain cancer awareness month
#braincancer #missyou
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May 2019 · 149
31 Letters of May- Note 1
CataclysticEvent May 2019
31 Letters of May- Note 1
May is grey.
but for me
Every day is grey
Surrounded by reminders.
Myself,
I am a reminder.
Of everything you were.
Everything you did.
May is graduation.
It's supposed to be happy.
And I am
Happy.
But my happy has,
A black hole of anger,
and sadness in the middle
And I fall into it daily.
Sometimes hourly.
And May isn't as happy.
As it should be.
Could have be.
If you were here with me.
Grey in May.
Grey all Day.
Every day
In every way.
I think of you
And miss you too.
#glioblastoma #braincancer
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May 2019 · 189
Hardest Part
CataclysticEvent May 2019
Hardest Part
The hardest part,
of your dying.
was being able to survive.
Being the one to
let you die.
even if it meant
you wouldn't suffer.
letting you go....
I still haven't
and I don't know if I
actually survived.
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Apr 2019 · 204
Decomp
CataclysticEvent Apr 2019
Decomp
Reverberating within myself
A constant vibration
Internally decaying
The only way out
Is through my
Written rot.
Just a mess of decomposition.
Left for everyone else
To read.
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Apr 2019 · 136
Drawn to the dark
CataclysticEvent Apr 2019
Drawn to the dark
The world is on auto pilot.
And I can't seem to find
The warmth.
Today I'm drowning.
Today I want nothing more
Then to be left alone.
To curl within the confines of my mind.
Disappearing amongst the dead leaves.
Days like today remind me
I am not fixed.
I am not infallible.
Today,
I am more darkness then light.
And I don't want the light.
I'd like to drowned here in the darkness.
Just a little longer.
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Apr 2019 · 213
Question
CataclysticEvent Apr 2019
Question
I erase my words so often,
I start to question
Whether I actually wrote anything at all.
I stay silent so often,
I question
Whether I've ever actually existed at all.
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