My book is falling apart
in my hands
as I read it.

With these caring hands
I'm trying  to hold the pages together.
Please hold out a little longer.
I'm not done with the story,
not done with you yet.

No happy end
No ever after.

Sometimes you do get lucky
You meet people who don't use you
Up
Don't wear you
Out
Like the rest of them

Who don't just try you on for size
Force you down
Rip something
Wear and tear
And then throw it back on the shelf
For someone else to sort out

What's that about?

You raised me
In love and bliss
Held me for years
Made me feel safe
Taught me
Values of family and community

Just so
One day you could just barge in
No greetings, no warnings
I've been snatched
And decide now is the time I get to know pain
Pin me down to the ground
You'll scar me forever

Called in a "specialist"
Old woman torturer
It's a full time job
Who with ***** nails and wrinkled hands
With whatever sharp tool they could find
Laying around, what's on demand
Starts to cut, to etch
To scratch and scrape out parts of me
Touch sacred ground
Taking away what's mine forever
What I didn't yet know much about
But one thing I do know
They made sure it hurt

I don't understand, Ma
What have I done to deserve this?
White and red flashes
Dots of light
Someone is screaming
Loud
Till my voice cracks and finally gives out
After how long I couldn't tell
I passed out
But not for long

Conscious again just in time
Blurry eyes
To feel the faceless monster
Use thorns to mend
Trying to held together
What she has destroyed almost completly
Taken from me
Forever

And you're the orchesstrator of the crime
Almost unspeakable
Even if I'd regain my voice
You let this happen to me
Even helped!
Why? Why? Why?
What have I done to you?
Where did we go wrong?

"She's lost her innocence
She's all grown now"

No not lost but taken
In the most violent, cruel way
The highest sin, the biggest betrayal
For it came from within,
From the most trusted, my own, my family
Literally raised me as a lamb
To the slaughter

Threw me in the dirt
Kept me on the ground
And watched me get cut with open eyes
Who listened to my voice break and give out
Begging, sobbing, shaking
Mommy make it stop

And you still call me dear daughter
After?
What nerve
How did you feel
When you saw me rest
Barely alive
While infections running wild
In my body?
Lying there helplessly
Still somewhat there, alive but not really
Caged in some ditch
Hidden away for weeks or eternity
Who can say

If I'm "lucky" I won't die here
In a poddle of my own ***, pus and blood
Unable to move, eat or sleep
A stick stuck between my legs
What once was a *****
To clog the drain
I have no tears left in me to weep

It was done as it has been for generations
It is our culture, normal in our tribe
You outsider can't possibly understand
It is proper
To torture your own daughter
Do like she did to me before
My own mother

So some man can check later
That you're ready for marrige
To make sure
Your body never know pleasure
Where's the **** lover boy?
So you forever know your place
Before you really know anything
Marked for life

We'll tell your friends, your children later
About the honour
Don't worry
We'll cut you open and sew you up again
When you get into labour
We'll do it again and again
We got you sister, you and your sisters sister

Only then do you belong
When yu're cut down to form
To fit the norm

Maybe in another life
Another lifetime
You can begin to understand
And heal
In another world maybe
You could get your revenge
On your perpetrators and their friends

I'd listen in to my neighbours
an ear pressed against the wall
for hours.
Shivering, cold
my back arched
trying to get closer.

Just to feel something.

Break out of my world
let go of the shackles
free the chainend
no strings attached
wrapped around my neck
breath freely
at last
don't look back
what a beautiful mind
may you find the answers I'm missing
goodbye

Double standarts left and right
I like a man who knows what he wants
Who knows how to **** but not **** around
Emotional available, mature
A little silly maybe, but not insecure

Take the lead and take what he wants
You take the leap for me, bear the risk
I'll watch and judge
Respectfully degrading
Know all the subtleties, get the que right and act fast
Never get it wrong, always right
Don't mansplain to me
Get away you creep
Wait, I like your jawline

I like nice
But only sometimes
In theory
When I have to force it out
You know, like the minimal amount?
He's so full of red flags
Oh my gosh girrrrrrrl you gotta get out
Gotta have something to talk about, later
...
My X is typing

Oh come on don't be boring
Oh are you crying?
xD, lol, screenshot saved
How lame, who's next?

Yes you can have a soft side, need to even
For her to exploit
But only the right kinda soft
The right kind of weak

Don't dress for the male gaze
Fat shaming is wrong
I grow hair where I want
It shouldn't define my atractivness
Societies norms are wrong
So how tall are you?

Guess we all **** each other
Up

Just joking of course
You're so tense, lighten up, be chill
You don't have to take everything so personally you know
We're just playing

To drink freshly squezed juice,
to feel alive in the sun.

Oh how would it be nice,
if spring was coming.

I'm looking for Meaning
for answers to the questions blurry in my mind
visable through my screaming heart
my aching chest
the hole in the middle
where my soul ought to be
fighting for room, fighting for breath
;
I'm looking for Love
whatever that is supposed to be
a gift, a curse, a savior
responsibility
freedom of me
try not to run away
at first sight
;
I'm looking for Death
for it is a choice
but binding by nature
unavoidable
face it
accept or despair
one can not wander in a painting
without minding the frame
;
I'm looking for Purpose
for me to face myself
in no mirror
you weak, fragile, useless being
find your use
don't be to ******* yourself
they say
;
I'm looking for many things in Life
yet do not open the door
I am scared
live to die another day
in my bedroom
get out
;

You are to me like the most beautiful ocean,
;
How many times does one die when drowning?

What to do,

read a book in the sun
pair a cigarette with coffe
visit your old hometown
work till you tire from exhaustion
work out and hate yourself
stare at the sky and listen to the wind,

instead,
when you can't be hugged,
can't be loved.

I've lost my footing
My feet ran away from me
Trying to get away as fast as possible
Abandonm ship
These waters are unfamiliar

I'm losing my head
Slowly coming undone
The everyday now is a fever dream
The good old times are gone
Yet each days remains the same
The same, same same all over again
I'm going insane
Can only pretend everything is fine for so long

Everything is changed and nothing changes
It's in the details
You could see it, feel it if you'd look
A change of mood
But people don't change
Fast enough
Who cares about history, the past
In present times?

It's happening again
Again and again and again
Right here too, but espacially over there
This isn't real, I'm not ...
What is? This
May just be the best way to live

Ignore, look away, zone out
Sedate yourself
Drown in all the noise
White screens in the dark, double tap
Swipe right, don't fight
back Shut yourself
away, become real quiet
And small
and Give up your voice

So you can stand the injustice
Double standarts all over
It's not fair
HA, what else is new?
You knew, you've known it since you were a child
All grown up now, a cynic, didn't you?
Incredible
What damage a little bit of hope can do
To you

Living in a world of predesign
The system is working against you
Just a bunch of made up rules
Making us miserable
We stand divided together
Children will always fight at the school yard

Capitalism
Modern day cancer
Limitless growth in a finite system
Value money over peoples needs
What could possibly go wrong?
When you only matter as much as your numbers add up
Working for them, the few
Whoever they are
The big bad behind the picture
Behind curtains or office windows
Step out on stage, into the spotlight
Let me draw you
A pretty picture

The world is ******
And so are you
****** before you got here, not even a thought yet
****** while you're here
And ****** long after you're gone
Maybe, hopefully, finally
At peace

Overcoming your trauma,
the ghosts of your past.

Means finding your way back to the you
from before,
means meeting a stranger,
getting to know the real you.

Hello roomie, nice flat.
Mind if we open the curtains,
let some sunshine in.

It was just
to much *******
to many broken pieces
not enough love
to mend

so

let me ease my mind
release
you're gonna carry that weight
you will
beyond hell or heaven

This is my hand,
resting heavily yet softly
on these pages

Your thighs are out of reach

Punish yourself
To make you feel
Better / something
You're worthless, it all adds up

Are you still there?

Bite my nails
Rip out my hair
Burn my skin
My head splits open
The best die youg
R.I.P.

Cut, cut, cut
Bleed out, a few thick drops
To the puddle
Drip, drop, drop
One arm in the bathtub

Why are you crying little dove?
It is late, look away
Go back to bed

Don't you remeber?
You asked me to open up

Am I a boy or am I the man?

I've been so fixiated on getting it right
When life is really about getting it wrong sometimes
Over and over
Don't overthink it, let's just try that again
Hitting walls head first for an epiphany
Until you figure it out

It's not about avoiding the mess
Ir's abot going through
Come up for air once in a while
When you need to
Take a break

We can make sense of things in hindsight
When we're old and have the time
To be a little more than none the wiser

Ich bin ich
Der, der hinterm Mikro steht
Wer bin ich? Einer wie du eigentlich
Nur ganz anders

Anderes Geschlecht, andere Herkunft, Sexualität
Ein anderes Gesicht
Andere Persönlichkeit und Denkweise
Aber doch sind wir irgendwie gleich
Siehst dus nicht?

Grundlegend gleich
Gleiche Bedürfnisse und Emotionen
Gleiche Wünsche und Ängste
Irgendwie ironisch

Also warum verstehen wir uns nicht
Treffen, sprechen, einigen wir uns nicht?
Komm lass dich doch einfach mal ein auf mich

Vielleicht finden wir ja einen Weg
Gemeinsam
Am Ende einfach gemeinsam gleich, anders glücklich zu sein

Das sollte doch nicht so schwer sein
Komm, trau dich

Finally
You are an answer
to a question long longing,
burning through
a hole in my  chest
my being.

A temporary answer perhaps
a substitute,
an overripe fruit picked from a tree
before falling, breaking, molding
bursting open
unconditionally?

But that hohle was my furnace
that fire my flame
without it
what even am I?
doing?
here?
with you?
without you?
leave me, hold me

Call me by your name.

Sometimes
You meet people
Like her

Welcoming you in
Without being asked to
Gentlly and slowly
In your own time
There's no rush

She just stands there
In the living room
The evening light hitting the mirror on the wall
At just the right angle
Her hair's ******* to a bun
But a strand falls in her face

Another case of accidental Barouque

Money doesn't mean much
I think
Against a lifetime lived
Between grief and happiness
Love and despair

I wished

Money doesn't mean much
Where heads rest at shoulders
In a world of morning dew and sundowns over the ocean
Where clouds lay down over the mountain ridge
Like white water turned golden

I hoped
Surely it couldn't

And when it all comes tumbling down
All gears stop turning for a day or two
I'll hold on to a thought
I once had
That money doesn't mean much
In the end

She struggles hard
struggles, each and everyday.

Still she does it so beautifully
so let's try and keep her safe.