dear God,
I know you get tired of the way I make these promises to change..
but God, I swear my sins are the only things that numb my pain..
sometimes I feel like you don't hear me though..
I mean, I be calling you and you don't even say 'hello'.
so reaching out seems futile to me.
cause at the end of it all, I still feel like nobody.
so I end up with some ***** that's not worth it in my draws.
or I end up throwing liquor back to hear people's applause.
I know you hear me some nights, sobbing uncontrollably.
because I wish.. I wish I didn't let the devil get a hold of me.
so hard to do good, so easy to do evil.
tryna right my wrongs before the chance is all gone..
all my life in church and Satan still got in.
and to be honest, I'M SCARED I CAN'T STOP HIM.
my momma always told me not to play with demons..
somebody wake me up PLEASE, I swear I'm dreaming.
blade to my wrist, I won't stop the bleeding..
but God, I know you hear me.. I know you see me pleading.
at this point, i just need something to believe in.

If I had to describe myself,
I would say...

I'm not just the 50+ scars
from blood-stained razors
on my left arm;

I'm not just the countless tears
I cried when I pleaded
with your deity;

I am ";"

";" is never-ending.

I am ;
because my story doesn't end here.

I am ;
because I am forever evolving.

...so until
"."
arrives,
I am ;

Last night was the worst I've ever felt
Honestly the first time my heart has ever melt
Like I told you the little things you do make you amazing
I would do anything for you, even risk my life try saving
We spent the whole day on the beach, us three
Then you went home, me and her not knowing that you were trying to end your misery;
We smiled back, hugged and said our goodbyes
Still unaware that this might be our final time.

Then I got a text saying 'This is it. I'm sorry' as I walked through my door
As I thought about what you meant my heart hit the floor
I texted back in a hurry, giving you all the reasons you should stay; one of them Being me
Hoping you would listen and just pray: we're made a promise for eternity.

You told me that I didn't need you, but we both know you're the reason that I'm still strong
I didn't want to let go cause where you were headed was not where you belonged
My mind overflowed with thoughts on why is this happening and if you're okay...
I just couldn't think of me living 'happily" day by day
Without you here to say "Keep your head up, I love you. Things will be okay."

We're we inspiration to each other
We were always together.. There wasn't one without the other
This was written in pink because it's her favorite color
I had no clue what I would do without her...

The night gets colder
I'm thinking it's over
Crying to myself cause I no longer have a shoulder.... To cry on.
No one left I can rely on.

The morning after
All I could hear is your laughter
Which was disturbed by a call from a number I couldn't recognize
I remember saying "hello" as tears came to my eyes
It was you telling me that you're okay
I was speechless.. In my mind thanking God that he heard what I had to say..

Looking back on that text like it was a nightmare
Not knowing what to do and who to call because I was scared
All of this that happened, I wish it was pretend
But this is unforgettable...


The night I almost lost my best friend.

Innocence* gone
Why do I feel so alone?
You rock this smile on your face
Like you did nothing wrong
Like you're so innocent
But that could never make sense

Years have gone by
And I kept silent about it...
Scared to death that she'd hate me if I told her about it.
Not knowing that she held the comfort that I needed
Are you amused to know you're the cause of why my wrists are bleeding?


Suicide as my choice;
To end this suffering pain
I'm sick and tired of wondering if I'll ever be happy again...
It makes me sick to my stomach
To see you around..
Walking proudly, so happily
While I drag with a permanent frown

How could you do something so cruel
To a little girl, no older than seven
A young man like you, about eighteen
You'll be behind doors someday
But it sure as hell won't be heaven's

Does the guilt eat you alive?
Cause depression is surely killing me
I'll never wish this pain on you, even though you're my worst enemy


My mind is a broken record.. It consistently replays this moment..


All those check ups from  "playing doctor" and it just made me worst...
I'm a psychotic f-ck, dressed as a doll
With helpless hearts and souls in my purse
You're the one to blame
I've nearly created a storm and filled the sea with tears by just the sound of your name...

For me, Life felt like a never ending play
But I guess it's just horribly written and directed in the wrong way...
But as  for you, the show's over

....And it's time for me to close the curtains....




                                                ­                  ~N