Journal Entry #7

I have a beautiful one year old, harlequin, Great Dane and she's huge.  
I'm use to people staring but I was not prepared for today.

So they we were, walking in the snow.
I had my headphones on.
Music blasting.
Minding my own **** business and these two very attractive guys pull over and yell, "hey" loudly at me.
I stop and turn and they say to me,
"what's your baby's name?"

(Mind you, I am awkward as **** when it comes to interacting with men in anyway, and this entire interaction caught me completely off guard.)

So I smiled awkwardly and replied, "Sawyer."
They both smiled widely at me and the driver leaned forward and yelled "Hiiiiii Sawyer."
All I could do was laugh because to me this was just hilarious.
Still smiling at me, both the driver and the guy in the passenger seat finally wave and say bye and all I could come up with at the time was the words,
"ok."

Which brings me to the conclusion that if you're dog is getting more attention than you I should just assume the title forever alone.

Journal entry #4

Ever since I started this dammned therapy, it's as if the flood gates have opened up within my heart.
All the memories of you I kept hidden are now breaking through. Destroying all the walls I hand built to keep you out.

These memories come in waves.
Some are brief.
Some are long.
Some are just glimpses of your handsome face.

But out of all of them, one in particular stands out.

We had rented movies.
All the movies you chose were action packed.
But I chose a romantic movie.
I don't remember the name, but I do remember the ending.

It made me cry, it was a beautiful ending about love everlasting.
And I remember looking over at you expecting you to laugh at me, but you too were crying.

I remember how we both instantly laughed.
It was then In that very moment,
(At the time)
That I thought we were sharing the same feelings.
That we were crying because we could relate to how much these two people loved each other, because we loved each other just as much.

I'll never forget how you pulled me in close hugged me, and kissed me and then said I love you so much.

And most of all, I'll never forget how we both wiped each others tears and said,

"**** this movie."

Lol

Journal entry #2

Curled up on the bathroom floor.
I stare down at my phone, so long, that my eyes glaze over.
Surprised I remembered all the songs that use to set my soul on fire.
Music was always my second love, and then there was you.

Already tipsy, I take a long swig from my bottle of jack and say to myself, (Rip it, its just like a bandaid just do it.)

I hit shuffle and the first song that plays is...
(H.O.L.Y. by Florida Georgia Line)

The pain that washed over me was excruciating. It made every hair on my body stand and shiver. Tears fell from my eyes as my mind brought me right back to that time, and that place, in that car, as I brought you to our home and you sang that song to me.

I remember thanking God in this moment.
I finally had you back. I remember thinking how lucky I was... Blessed.
Thinking we conquered it all.
Feeling like I had died and gone to heaven and there you were.

I felt short of breath, I felt like I was suffocating. Because I  never knew such a happiness existed...never wanting someone so much in your life..

Try to see this through my eyes.
Life hasent always been good to me.
I try to see the good in life.
But good things in life are hard to find.
But then, in walks a man I thought was sent from heaven.
Maybe, it was finally my time to be happy?

God is that you?

Too blind to see it at the time, but God was saying No the entire time.

I was blown away, what could I say?
It all seemed to make sense at the time.
Stupid me, thinking he loved me, as much as I loved him.