The habit began
To **** the pain
After the trauma
I wasn't quite sane
It held me up
My crutch, my cane
Through all my mistakes
It shared the blame
The hard way taught
Me how to change
Then Years went by
And the baby came
So one by one
Old demons were slain
No longer wild
I started to tame
Sneaking away
Filled me with shame
But smoke like claws
Are dug into my brain
So I light one up
And stare at the flame
I love it too much
But I hate it the same
With defeated lungs
And yellow stains
I'll close the chapter
Of memory lane
I'll quit tomorrow
And break these chains.

In one's lifetime, comes a moment or two,
when a sunny day's sky of powder-blue
turns to an utterly gloomy black night
not at all a beautiful twilight
:::just a dark firmament...no homing birds in sight

When in a flurry,
it comes naturally,
to want to sit...on the ground,
on the floor...just somewhere down
with both palms cupping jaws
resting on knees are angled elbows
discontent and stagnation
nag one's  imagination
heartbeats
............are drumbeats
glances are fleeting
unfocused:::::escaping
such are vain attempts, to dismiss
avoided thoughts and scenes:::to release
::::and decide...all must eventually cease
yet.........it's never easy to find peace
can't just forget sounds of voices...and sweet laughter
jokes and conversations that came, before and after...
:::::::::::::::::::::::::::
they are tattooed in the mind
::::::::: they are ::::::::::
::: i n d e l i b l e ::::::::::
:::: e s p e c i a l l y ::::
:::on:::moments:::when:::
:::we struggle the most:::
:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::
::::::::only:::­to:::realize::::::
::::::::::::::::::[[[]]]::::::::::::::::
:::::­:::[[ memories ]]::::::::::
::::are:::a::::[[metal cage]]
::::::::::::: and we :::::::::::::::
::::::::::::::::: are :::::::::::::::::
:::::::[[captured birds]]:::::::
::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::
it usually takes long:::::::::::
::::::::::::::::::::::::::::
::::::to be freed:::::
:::::::::::::::::::::::::;;;;
::::::from being:::::
:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::
:::::::::::held:::::::::­::
:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::
:::[[ c a p t i v e ]]:::
:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::
(November 2015)


Sally

Copyright January 13, 2016
Rosalia Rosario A. Bayan

In a relationship
I'm not equipped
I'm too empathic,
The change is drastic
When in a union
I become a chameleon
I adapt
Till I'm trapped
I give to live
Until I find
My mind
Is gone again
I push away
My love it strays
In a daze
Stumbling
Fumbling
We're done
I run
To find clarity
My identity
Alone
At home
I yearn
To learn
Solidarity
Sincerity
For me
To be
Able to see
Entirely
My identity
As a singular
Entity
You see
It's not you
It's me
That needs
Protection
From your affection
That I lose
When I choose
Not to mingle
I need to be
Single

I lied to my mother about talking to you because last time I told her we talked, she cried.
2. My biggest fear is that no matter what I do, I won't ever get over you.
3. Everywhere I go, I find you. I suppose it's because I carry you in my heart.
4. I didn't believe in soul mates until I met you. You didn't complete me, you complemented me.
5. Sometimes I can't sleep because I'm thinking of you. Other nights I don't want to sleep because I know I'll dream of you.
6. You make my hands shake and my stomach hurt. I don't think love is suppose to feel this way.
7. I miss you even when you're not away. I hate it but it's always been that way.
8. Sometimes I think we were meant to be. Everything was right except our timing.
9. It's been two years too late but I still look for your face in a crowded room.
10. You felt like home but if there's anything I've learned recently, it's that home is so very temporary.
11. I never knew craving touch was a thing until I saw your hands.
12. You are the whirlwind of thoughts I could never put into words.
13. I write about you like you put the stars in the sky.
14. I don't want to forget you but somedays I regret you.
15. I don't always like you but I always love you.