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Ayeshah Dec 2015
Today like many days now
                                                   for at least
                                                 three hundred & sixty five days
                                         plus some more
                        I've thought about you

    I've thought of
        the many times
               you've made me smile
                  laugh and the few times
                            you've made me cry

                                        Today's an ordinary day
                                        but we've not ever been ordinary
                                more likes extraordinary
                yet I most of the time
didn't have enough in me
to give to you
   I loved you & love you still

                                    See this is my problem
                                                      and­ as I've been told
                                                         most man need to fix something
                                                       ­              No matter if it's emotional
                                                       ­                        mental and or otherwise
                                                       ­                                       You can't fix me
                                                      The support I craved
                                                          ­       you'd give in increments
                                                      ­               but gave none the less
                             Today like many days now
                                     I think about the times
                                                    spent mainly in the car
                                                             ­     how you'd sooth my fears
                                                                ­        or the time we got stuck by  
                                                            ­                          my house
                                                           ­                 but we made the most of it
                                                              ­    as we danced in the rain

                                                 I think of us and what we could of been
                                             if we'd of both let go
                                        just give in
                                yet too much happened
                        to the both of us
                       before we even knew one another
             star-crossed lovers before time met space
        and we drifted together like
a meteor colliding in space
          I often think back
                    on where we'd be
                        if I could of gotten
            myself together
    held my tongue
kept my anger in check
much more

Today like many days now
        for at least three hundred & sixty five days
                                            plus some more
                                                    I've thought about you
                                                            l­ike when we first made love
                                                            ­                                                                 ­                                                                 ­     I doubt I'll ever forget the shock
                                                           ­                     of finding out you did
                                                             ­                 know enough
                                                          ­                          Your sweet word surely
                                                          ­                       wasn't just
                                                            ­               spoken
                                                          ­          out of lust

                      We made magic and made history
          a part of you & a part of me
     God made these things possible
oh how I think if ONLY

Today like many days now
                        I think of the passion we had
                                                          for one another
                                                         ­         the way you kissed me
                                                      in places that made
                                           my head spin
              sent chills down my spine
   and all over my body

I cried out over & over
              I remember every gentle touch and
                                         for me I'd of liked
                                                       to see you be a bit rough

                                                          ­                   Maybe just maybe
                                                                ­      I should of enjoyed it more
                                                            ­                                   allowed you to
                                                              ­          teach me something new
                                                             ­                              because now a days
                                                                ­                     I think back on it
                                                              ­                  and you knew
                                                            ­         yeah you knew
                                                           all the right things to do
                                     thing's I just wasn't ever used to
                      
                Today like many days now
                   I think of the ways we held each other
                      You more than me
                             have held me through-out
                                  the night
                                      whispering sweet word
                                            as you'd caress me to sleep
                                                       or saving me often from a bad dream
                                                     I  think back and see you in my            
                                            minds-­eye massaging all my pain
                                   and fears away

                                Often times reassuring me you'd never leave
                  I feel cheated out of these thoughts and all the
               beautiful memories we've made
        all the history we had and the many
we would have still
  if only I'd of changed sooner
          or if I'd had given in better
                     If I'd of allowed what you were offering
                                                  things­ would be so different
                                                       ­           I'm glad you're happy
                                                           ­                   content & in love
                                                            ­                     sharing our dream
                                                           ­      with a new lady love
                                                    OH  ­how I wish it was me still
                                      how I used to believe it'd be me again
                         I think on how I've waited jaded for you
         to come home
                 but you never did
                         and wont ever again
                       I'm no longer yours but

                      Today like many
                                      days now
                                                for at least
                                                         three hundred
                                                         ­      & sixty five days
                                                            ­plus some more
                                                                ­ I've thought
                                                                ­         About You
                                                                     Copyright ©
                                                          Ayeshah K.C.L.N 1977-Present  
                                                                     All right reserved
I forgive myself even if YOU never do and I also learned to forgive others, its still a work in progress but I'm heading to a better me and glad I've learned these lesson so the next one if ever i find another wont suffer from my bitter contempt. Thankfully I ain't looking for another just enjoying me!
Ayeshah Dec 2015
I don't like what I see
when I look in the mirror
  I stand there holding myself*

Sometimes I'll place  my hands on my hips
and move from side to side
turning this way or that
grabbing at my behind
pulling it up
seeing how it'd look
if it were plumper
like them girl's in the videos


Sometimes I grab a handful of my belly
or **** it in and see how I'd look
if I could just get over this 14 year baby weight
and all the pounds
I've gained from my last few miscarriages.


I know stress plays a role
I eat when stressed
  I eat my depression and eat when sad or on my cycle
I love to eat and love food
but it's truly never been my reason for this weight
burdening me down


I lost my will to move
to walk or work out
lost my drive to fight or even speak out
I went from working and going to school
staying busy
to doing only bits here and there that I have to do


I can't  be bothered
don't even want to
I'll lay here and not move
long as I can


I've stayed in a runt for so long
I'm talking years felt so low
and haven't dug our yet
and I know for me
this depressions a killer
it's got me defeated
beaten down
so low I never wanna be loved again...


As I  stand in front of this mirror
I hate what's become of me
my pessimistic behavior
and ideology of what love should be
seems like its not meant for me
I hate looking at myself
I hate seeing my luscious curves
my ample succulent *******


I only currently
like my long hair
that goes to my shoulders
for this chocolate cocoa skin
it seems so out of place
people wonder if its a weave
and not my own
but this is all home grown
yet and still

I just like who I am as a person & represent
not my physical appearance
not only because I have a "good hair"
for a black girl
  I'm ONLY black
yet
I'm proud of my heritage
I'm black and Puerto Rican
but who cares


Funny how my shape for others
is just right
&
for me it isn't
I don't have that j.lo figured

I don't look like a Nicki Minaj
how do I look?
I um well  I look just like me
but seems I can't find someone who'd
conquered my heart
and own it
take care of it as they should....


One  day I'll get tired of my self loathing
work out
and the World
will be impressed
but not
as much as ME!

*Copyright ©
Ayeshah K.C.L.N 1977-Present  
All right reserved
Ayeshah Dec 2015
Think again

                                                          ­         I didn't ask for this

                                                        Nev­er have I said show me your

                                misguided insensitive wicked deceit

                        you conceited ***

                            You think I'd go back to you reclaim your last name

                                    after it was so easy for you to

                                          CHEAT

         ­                                               *
No I forgave you the first time and
                                                     allowed a 2nd time

                                                           ­             3rd time for me was

                                                            ­    me leaving you

                                                            ­                    right where I found you
                                                             ­           alone

                                           ­                         *Alone like you made me feel

                                                    had me always second guessing

                                                       ­                 wondering not trusting

                                                       ­ hurting & yearning


                                                How can you ever expect me to take you
                                                             ­     back

                                                      ­                  or ever allow us to be intimate
                                                        ­    or even ****** again

                                                          ­                  when I know the last time

                                                    before I left you'd been with another
                                                         ­  woman

                                                          ­ I didn't know at the time but crazy
                                            how I could tell you tasted different
                                    and I was right having her on top of you
                        yet ya had no qualms about me
                ******* where your manhood was inside another
    I was YOUR *

   Wife
        *Not some trollop
                                    begging for your affections
                                    lesson learnt to me
for ever trusting you or any
                                   other

                                   I gave you children two children
                a few still borne and miscarriage
I was the one budging the bills going to college
and cooking all your meals

                           When you hurt I'd massage it right out
                        never did you have to tell me or ask

                                     Sadly all I got was your lack of care
                                                            ­            insinuations and then I started
                                             thinking I was more crazy
                                        going insane from you saying it was all in my  
                                               head
                               but you were in another woman's bed


            Had her feeling what used to be mines
                                                  had her crying out
                                                                ­                with pleasure
                                                        ­                                             from what
                                                 you'd once said was only mines
                                        Yet you called me today begging to come
                                          home


             ­                               Well baby boy this ain't been your home
                                    in almost 3 to 4 years
                                                        and­ maybe for the kids sake
                                            I'd of done so long ago
                                        but the more I think on it
                        the more I wanna choke

   * I've cried and cringed over and over again
    thinking on how
         as your dearest fried &            
as your
         WIFE

   *I could of did things so completely
                                                          differ­ent
                                            Yet I know and yes I'm sure

               there wasn't anything to do different


       * Tonight when you called me

                      I had no idea you'd ask me
         such a question
     I figured we were being amicable
just for our girls

      
Never would I have ever thought you'd try
                                        this ******* again
                               seems you thought I was a sucker again
                              guess I've not learned
       after you tried it
     last year around Christmas


                                                *Ju­st like when you brought your
                                                            ­      new girlfriend & kept
                     her hidden all the while you I guess figured
   I'd be willing to forget I was always second be
                                 even last if truth be told but

      Now that you're my
                       EX-HUSBAND

              I'd say I'm no longer your punching bag
                                            or the

                              *****
                   ­         *you married
       I'm nothing to you
so honey go away and enjoy your slew if women
                                and even though you assume
                                                          ­              you have chance
                                                          ­                          spare me your *******
                                                        ­                                                     and

                                                            ­                        THINK AGAIN!
                                                       ­                       Copyright ©
                                                               ­        Ayeshah K.C.L.N
                                                                ­              1977-Present  
                                    ­                             All right reserved
I've chosen to be better and move on, no more abuse lies or pain and I do forgive YOU! I just don't want you!
Ayeshah Dec 2015
Stroke me right there
contort imagery
from my
salacious mind
and make it reality
I have a need
to be tamed
controlled

So dominate me

bend me over

pull my hair

slide fast & swift

deep inside me...

I've harbor
so many fantasies
of us
Of  your wicked body

dreamed of you
desecrating my body

The way your eyes
bore into mines
has me longing
for you to devour me


I sit on the bed
and watch you slowly undress
trying to hold my composure
all the wile
in my head


I've already ripped off your shirt

and unzipped your pants

I don't wish for love making tonight

just give me a royal hard lust-felt


****


You're done and guess it's my turn

but there really isn't anything to take off

I've dressed just for you

in my baby blue sheer teddy

with matching thong garter belts

that clamps to my sheer thigh-high stockings

equipped with heels

I like how you've bent your head
causing me to look up
love how you bite your lower lip
right before you cover mines
with yours

I can feel you sink
on to the bed
knee bent between my legs
Your hands move
slowly up my thigh


Our kiss never broken

I like where this is going

keep touching me right there

rubbing circles around my sensual bud

as your fingers dance in and slowly out

of my unfolding flower

Rhythmically
stroking my desire
I'll not stop you
I feel like I'm on fire
keep kissing me
touch me here
gripe my supple *******
I can't help moaning



I've dreamed this for so long

here we are engross and entwined

your hands move to my buttock

Lifting me and pulling me toward you

Oh my

I wasn't ready  for such a swift assault

or your massive engorged manhood

enter with out any hesitation*

I feel dizzy
from the
pure animal-like
lust
that's taken over me

I Love how you've made
my mind cease
the thoughts of us

You're more than
what I've bargained for
as you move deeply
with long strokes

My legs automatically
wrap around your tone waist
I can't stop myself


I move in sync with you

all the wile my moans become wails
the deeper you penetrate me

We move like a dance as you go out
I move as you do
when you crash hard within
I meet you match for stroke
I'm overwhelmed and about to burst
it's a bit too much to handle

Oh how did you flip me over
putting me on my knees
so effortlessly


Pulling my hair
you've re-entered
and its all
I can do
not to reach behind me
and push you away but
You've caught
my wrist
and pound even more
harder & faster

While using your other hand

you reach in front of me

playing with my ***** bud

causing havoc on me



I'm drowning in desire

longing for release

quick as a flash

it's coming in waves

I cry out your name

and you let me fall

on to my stomach

asking if

I've had enough

give me a sec

and will go again

but right now

baby*

YOU WIN!
Copyright ©
Ayeshah K.C.L.N 1977-Present  
All right reserved
Ayeshah Nov 2015
I set out to tell you all the things I've craved
which were missing within me and my hand stopped,
my pen refuse to do what my fingers wanted...
 I couldn't scribe the words needed to express all these things,  not just out of fear
but it is because
 I sat at my desk in my study
contemplating the words I'd like to express to you and when I thought on everything I've missed before I found you I couldn't continue,
 it's because
since I've met you
nothings really missing...
I remember a time
Where  I've felt incomplete,  
so **** lonely
but since knowing you
I feel whole again.
I no longer wished to think of how I was before
I knew such loveliness
which you've brought into my life,
nor do I wish to dwell on so much of the negatives that have had me screaming with terror each night.
Much of that is gone  and I thank you for the support.
I turned in my chair at my desk and look out these big bay window,
the  suns setting and the waters splashing up onto the sandy Beach
I can see you in my minds eye...
 a nostalgic memory  dances in my head
of us
running on this strip of beach;
me in  all white  bikini top & shorts, you're in shors too no top.
You're  chasing me
my hair's blowing behind me and we're both giggling,
I didn't know you could run so fast and good thing too you've caught me,
I was getting outta breathe.,
I see you clearly in my mind
scooping me up in your arms & swinging me round and round.
We fall down and softly I land on top of you....
It was on this day I  saw everything
I've so longed to have
in your eyes ,
the love shone brightly I almost felt blind ,
I was scared to accept what you were showing & offering to me
but I held my ground
fearful as I was I took it all in and when your lips crashed over mines like a wave I felt it,
I felt everything you've ever needed to say and see it still
after all this time so vividly...
SO how can I now write to you and tell you of all the things
I've craved which were missing within me and from my life when during many of my darkest hours you've been my beacon of hope
 a shiny bright light
casting out all the darkness and fear,
holding me close
loving me tenderly,
expressing everything
I've always dreamed of and prayed for
so as
I'm at my desk  I write to you these words which I've yet to say to you ;
Yes
yes I do love you & yes
hell YES,
I'll marry you!

P.S.
I REFUSE  to allow my past hurts or all the abuse to cause us to fail & whomever hurt me back then shouldn't have validation or presidence in our
NEW Beginnings!

Always Me Ayeshah ™ ®
         K.A.C.L.N ©
     All right reserved ®
Copyright 1977 - Present
Never allow people circumstances or situations  from your past to cause not to enjoy accept and allow the blessings happening now to be taken for granted  or you're the one to miss out on your happiness.
Ayeshah Nov 2015
I love that you see me the real me and don't complain nor try to make excuses for many of  my short comings

I love that when I'm in a state of distress you hold me and let me hide in your embrace

I love that when I don't look my best you always find me the most beautiful  inside & out

I love that on most cold or chilli nights you let me tuck my feet up under your legs without me even asking

I love that you laugh with such a sing song melody I end up cracking up too

I love that even when I've burnt the food you've  said it's the best while making faces with each bite

I love that you're so playful and competitive when we play  cards or any board games even if you've never let me win


I love that forehead kiss you give me everyday wether your coming or going and how you say to me see you later mami

I love that you'll defend my honor no matter the size of the other guy like when the dude tried to get in my face and you told him to leave

I love that you've stood up to your mother to defend me and made it know we're what's best for each other

I love that you listen to me knowing I talk alot and knowing I babble even more when I'm nervous

I love that you quirk your mouth up ever so slightly when you're amused at something I've said

I love that you stare with such sensual  intensity at me when well you know when

I love that you argue with just as much passion as me specially when you feel you're right on a topic we've discussed

I love that only you can make my nightmares go away with a lil cooing and sweet words

I love that in our thrills of love making you stare boldly into my very soul and make my spirit ignite with each stroke of your massive.......

I love that you're not just my best friend and lover but you are my hero my therapy, my provider  advisor my love and everything I've prayed for GOD to give me

I love that you've never uses my past or mental health  against  me and wouldn't  dream of ever putting me down screaming in my face or anything to disrespect  me or harm  me

I love that you're in love with me and love me for all that I am and strive to be and you knowing I love u makes me love that*
ABOUT YOU!*
Always Me Ayeshah ™ ®
         K.A.C.L.N ©
     All right reserved ®
Copyright 1977 - Present
Ayeshah Nov 2015
You've been wrong before, silly girl ,

you've been here before foolish little heart,

why torment yourself this way,

why keep pretending the next will be different?

I'd like the chance of rediscovering who we are

and what I mean t you

Or what you might mean to me

whom ever YOU maybe


I'd open up even thou

I'm sorta sure you'll reject me

find fault

since I'm mentally ill


I've got some prerequisites:

Be able to communicate

Listen as well

Massage me when I'm in pain even when I'm not

Pay close attention to me

Hold and touch me

Stay faithful devoted loving and kind

Never hit me or my kids

Always be a provider

Show you care
because
I'm very sensitive

Don't pick on me

Even if we argue never cheat

Share only your problems with me


so
WE can fix us and work it out

Be loyal to me

there are so many more but this is at least a start

I'd do the same and so much more

I have so much to offer even though I'm broken

No I'll not need you to fix me

I have to do that myself and I'm working on it

Just stand by me as I heal

and allow me to take comfort in us and what we're building

Your support is so important and you matter just as I do


These things
I'd say to him if ever he comes along

but

You've been wrong before, silly girl ,

you've been here before too my foolish little heart,

why torment yourself this way,


*Why keep pretending the next will be different?


Well because........


I'd like the chance of
Rediscovering
that love thing everyone else but me has obtained*

Always Me Ayeshah ™ ®
         K.A.C.L.N ©
     All right reserved ®
Copyright 1977 - Present
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