hands wrinkled and pruned
from ****** city water
the **** labeled blue "C"
tweaked all around

no red warmth

tonight I hold myself
contortion my arms and legs
until I'm small enough to fade
into the corner of the bed

no human skin

imaginary monsters hissing
hibernating over five years
they want to come out again
sink their teeth into my brain

no reliable breath

my pathetic veins stay blue
squeezing my cold body for safety
to no avail, my lungs remain stretched
about to rip down the middle

Our innocence is forgotten.
It becomes smoke and rises
away from us, away from reality

A different reality is unearthed
from dread and self hate.
It bleeds into us like acid

No longer are we humming crushes’ names

Or passing simple “check yes or no” notes

Or swimming as mermaids in backyard pools

We are drugged up mental patients
We are flesh lights that cry silently
We are reborn into ash under feet.

Something funny about airports
My childhood
Teenage independence
Young Adulthood

Two hours
I said goodbye to you
One week from now

I’ll see you again

But airports are funny
My body thinks I’m leaving you
Until next summer
My body’s been conditioned

To believe goodbye means indefinitely

I know you may not get it
And that’s okay
Please don’t think I’m being clingy
When I say “I’ll miss you”

The fiftieth time

It’s just a Proustian moment
juicy mint chewing gum
with crackling eardrums
Sends me back in time

To that funny thing about airports

Where hellos are met with goodbyes

Impatiently, I wait

When the goodbye is met with hello

I'm crashing again
into a new person
for a better love

Discrepancies in timing
Are we meant to be now?
or is this another wrong day

New love is steel blocks on your chest
precariously balanced
between heaved breathing

and a pierced heart

while wings flutter in your belly
and ghosts of heartbreak past
play home movies only you can see

I like him.

He likes me.

We're about to trip into a beautiful oblivion

When I arrive to work
My breath doesn't reach
the fullness of my lungs

My focus zooms on the board
"Harry" I search for in marker
next to a time stamp

Will you be here today?
I can't decide if I want to see you
If you'll break my emotional wall

Or snap my butterflies back to life,
setting fire to my cheeks
and earthquakes to my stomach

Minutes go by. Really, hours.
My body is turned for dishes
My mind is on you

"Next on Five!" A ripple down my arms
Through my fingers into water
I want to turn, but rules

[don't show too much interest]

[wait three days to text him]

[intensity scares him, don't show how you really feel]

[don't act crazy]

"Next on Five!" My neck receives a thought
before it reached my brain
His stupid dorky smile

I look at him
willing him to look at me
I feel butterflies starting fires