I swear looking in your eyes gives me a surreal power to see into the future because when we are face to face I can see us twenty years later curled up in scruffy blankets on a queen sized bed laughing about what we did when we were kids and I swear that the raspy way you say my name makes me envision you fifteen years from now calling me the exact same way from our kitchen

but on some days when I look into those chocolate brown eyes I see you thirty years from now kissing her cheek and whispering soft compliments in her ears

and on some days, our eyes don't meet at all, because they're secured like a padlock in hers, painfully reminding me

of what will never
ever
be

I guess I shouldn't have expected you to cradle me in your loving arms and hold all of the pieces of me together and I guess I shouldn't have put so much faith in you considering every time I have you've let me down
oh but no it's not your fault, I should've known
please at least whisper to me with your beautiful lullabies until I fall asleep
then afterwards do not hesitate to leave me alone
you don't have to hold me
I don't want you to cradle me
and I do not want you to feel bad for me
there is no use just please sit here until I finally fall into a deep everlasting slumber but before i do I want you to know that my heart will beat your name until my eyes finally shut and even after i fall asleep my fingers will routinely trace the letters of your name onto my skin

looking at you feels like I am being brutally bludgeoned to death because all I want is for you to look back at me and instantly feel weak in the knees
I want you to look at me and have your heart physically drop to your stomach and I want you to look at me while praying quietly to yourself that one day I will be yours
I want all these things because it isn't fair for you to make me feel such strong things when you don't feel them yourself
I want it so very badly but I guess the thing I want from you the most is for you to at least
just
look at me

Dear future me,

Please tell me you're happy, because that is all I want to know and please tell me the sound of his name does not still cause your heart to skip a beat, tell me you have finally dug yourself out of the gaping hole you fell into the first time you looked into his eyes, you're strong enough to climb out, even though you might not think so. Remember you're important too, because you always seem to forget that. and if your hands are still painting his phone number across your ribcage, wondering what the first signs of trouble are, then you need to understand that every tattoo is capable of being removed at some point and while it may hurt like hell to breathe sometimes, I believe that you are so much stronger than you think. who cares if it feels like it was all for nothing and who cares if you're starting to hurt more than you thought was humanly possible, you can not let one person ruin you, you will not let this ruin you, and although it may seem unbearable, this too will pass.

i wonder if you knew that with every sly compliment you give to me so willingly causes my heart to drop straight into my stomach
and i wonder if you knew that kissing her with more passion than i know you will ever give to me makes my veins knot together in complete and utter destruction, would you still kiss her the same?
would you even care at all?
if you were completely aware that you were slowly killing my insides little by little, would you still be whispering your words into her lips and stroking her thighs, or would you sympathize for leading me straight off a cliff?
if i told you how i felt, would you tell me that you feel the same? or would you regret ever even knowing
my
name
so i guess you'll never know
and will always have to wonder

this is not about you
and I am done writing about you because all you really ever were was 3,000 almosts that never meant anything in the end
I'm not writing about how much I love you anymore but about how much I absolutely loathe your menacing brown eyes that glitter and gleam with fire
I'm not writing about how beautiful you are but how terribly rotten you are
to the very core
I'm not writing anything about you anymore at all because that is exactly what you want from me
I feed your ego
you never loved me
you just loved the
attention
and this is not about you.

the truth is I don't find comfort in looking into your eyes and not feeling weak in the knees, it feels so good to finally feel something other than pain and regret. although my mind and my heart may be in a constant quarrel between " I can't love you" and "I can't not love you" i believe that loving you is inevitable. it can't possibly be my fault that your chocolatey eyes pierce my soul and there's no way I can help the fact that your happiness alone is enough to make my day. maybe this is just my role in society to play, maybe right now I just happen to be the girl who loved a little too much, and im not sure that I know exactly what that means for me or how it will devolve, but there's one thing I am sure of. I am sure that your ghost will live within the depths of my heart for a long time. maybe one day I will be more than just the girl who loves too much, maybe I'll be the girl who was loved just a little too much, by you.