I wore red
Thigh high
High healed
Boots
Last night.

“Could I please get a whisky neat?”

The night was deliciously cool,
The air was fresh and green.
Twinkling soft yellow lights,
And neon signs.

I just want to forget
The lonely feeling in the back
Of my head
As I watched you two
Play darts
For the first time,
Laughing and kissing.

“Could I get another whisky neat, please?”

I laughed with a girl at the bar
Who had bright red hair.
I’m trying to learn how to do this,
How to meet people,
How to find someone else
To help me forget about him.

The two of you
Fit together so neatly,
So effortlessly.
You got nervous
(We’re only just twenty-one)
And forgot to order
The shot to go in your Diet Coke,
So he ordered you one,
And dumped it in on the sly,
So you wouldn’t be embarrassed.

“Another whisky, please?”

I made it down the stairs
And pretended
I was in control.
I didn’t want to be in control,
I don’t want to be in control,
I’m so controlled.
My heals tapping
On the bricks outside,
I merrily lead the way
To bar number two.
I want to do
Everything he said I couldn’t.

“Could I get a pint of the Hopshire beer, please?”

New places,
New faces,
Movies make this look so easy.
Soft yellow light,
Exposed brick walls.
It’s a little fuzzy...
I don’t want to think about him.

I don’t want to think about him.

I DON’T WANT TO THINK ABOUT HIM.

I always thought I
Was above this sort of thing,
But my head was spinning,
Our glasses were clinking,
And my boots
Got harder to walk in.

You’re so happy together,
And I wish I had that.

I’ve been locked out of love,
Hands pounding on the doors,
Wearing a straw dress
Soaked in kerosene,
Standing on hot coals.

I want to stop
Feeling things
In the way that I do.

I took what hurt me the most
And I embraced it.
I took *** into stride,
Even let it attach itself to my identity
Like a burr.

I welcomed men between my legs
To trick myself into believing
That I’m in control,
And then I got I sharp reminder I am not.

I am full of a lot of
Different people’s
Pain.
I drank until it didn’t hurt
I smoked until I couldn’t remember
Why I was sad
I let myself
Die inside.
Burned my body
From the inside out
Just to forget.

I don’t believe in happy endings.

I don’t believe I get to have everything
I ever dreamed of.

I believe in self destruction
In holding what kills you close
So you know when to keep your guard up
And that’s always.

I believe in God.
But I believe he made me as a side character
In a story I keep trying to be the protagonist in.

I believe in me
On my own
Without someone,
Because me
I can control

I can’t stand to be forgotten,
But I don’t want the responsibility of existing.
Maybe I would prefer
That the world
Would just disappear.

“What if
I go back to who
I was?
What if I’m not as good..?”

You walked in on
The worst moment
Of my life,
While I was lying on a kitchen floor,
With all the pills in the house
Sitting on the counter,
Ready to be taken.
And you chose to walk the path
That led to loving me
Anyway.

If you
Need to be sad,
Or less than yourself
For a while...
If you lose your patience
And need help finding it.
If you get angry,
Or hurt...

I may push you
To be better again,
Just like you’ve pushed me.
But I won’t stop loving you.

I’m not in love
With the perfect version
Of you,
I’m in love with you,
And you have flaws,
And rough days,
Or weeks
Even years.
But I’m here
For the long haul.

As long as
You
Want me,
As long as you love me
More than you love
Your dysfunction,
I will love you too.

I will only
Let him kiss me
While we’re tangled up in bed.

At dinner we are friends.

I will only let him hold me
In private,
Far from the eyes of anyone who would question it.

We walk down the street
Side by side
Never touching.

He tells me about her,
How he doesn’t understand
Whether or not she loves him.

It takes an hour or so
Of holding each other
Before we decide to be
Truly affectionate.

I’ve set myself up
For a good deal of heartbreak.

So I know
It’s been a while,
And clean cut
Christian kids
Cut out of the same cloth
Like paper snow flakes
Aren’t exactly the easiest for me to fit in with,
But here we are.

I’m a tapestry
Of giving in
To temptation,
The occasional witch craft,
And even drugs,
But I know how to play the part.

I just can’t breathe while doing it.

Take out a glass,
Fill it with ice,
Shake your pride with it
And swallow it.

As the evening sun
Was setting
I was looking up into his eyes
Pleasuring him,
Swirling pretty pictures
With my tongue.
And now
In the night low light
I look up at a steeple.

I don’t belong here any more.
I never did,
But I used to try.
And now
It all feels empty.

If there was anything I used to believe
It was that he loved me.

Being perceived as normal is an art.
  My PTSD Atypical brain
is accidentally obvious,
and so I must be practiced and calculated
to stay hidden.

It isn't the cute eccentricities
that give us all mildly embarrassing quirks
that keep me up at night
obsessing over my behavior.
It's the trickle of trauma that seeps out of me
and marinates in with conversations
that should be normal.

It isn't random shoulder shaking sobs
or public screaming matches,
or anything obvious enough
to merit the stares of passerbys.
It's more
a bump in the road,
a single tight knot
in a strand of yarn,
or a piece of eggshell in pancake batter.
Not terrible enough to upset the balance completely,
but your thumb runs over it repeatedly a few times
in annoyance
because you can feel it just enough
to know it shouldn't be there.

It shouldn't be there.

I'm trying to practice
being average.
Practice being quiet when I should,
and learn the pieces of my life
that were traumatic
so I can hide them enough
to get by in a daily vanilla life.

But it's exhausting.

The hot water
Wrinkles my fingertips
And stretches my hair
Down my back
In a red waterfall.

My knees are tucked
Up against
My chest.
The water
Turned to the hottest setting
So it’s still warm
When it reaches me
Down on the floor.

I close my eyes
And pretend
It’s washing off
Everything.

Every painful bruise
From my high school sweetheart.

Every time Dillon
Pushed my head down his body.

The hard grip
On my hand
That Matt had
As he placed my hand
On his *******.

The sloppy kisses
Eddy gave me
On his sunshine soaked
Bed.

The kiss on my neck
James left
Without warning
In a public place
Where I felt like I couldn’t
Be angry.

Rob’s hands
Never
Leaving
Me
Alone.

But most off all,
The body
Of the love of my life.
If that
Could wash off
I could pretend
I never
Risked him
For a moment of release.

The water
Drips down my forehead,
And my closed eyes,
Catching in my eyelashes.

I want to be clean.

My body is terrified.
Clenched up
Hunched in on itself,
Terrified.

My fear tells me
To run,
Because if I stay
I’ll make everything worse.

But I can’t.

Because I won’t create a reality
That would make it
Impossible
For me to come back to you.

I may be terrified,
But I won’t saw off
My leg
Because of a fracture.

I won’t ever leave,
Because I will always
Want to come back.

I’m trying not to take up space
In your life.
Trying to plaster myself to the wall
As only and observer
An art piece.
Occasionally admired,
Taken out
And shown to people,
But mostly just
To decorate an empty room.

I’m trying to be satisfied as that,
But you keep apologizing,
And that keeps reminding me
That I should be allowed more.

“They don’t get to decide
Who you are
Based off of whatever fragment
Of you
They see.

“You’re you.
You’re not someone else
Just because someone thinks you are.
That’s a dangerous way of thinking.

“Honey, you cant keep letting people
Tell you what you are.
You don’t stop being you
Because they said you’re something else.
All they see are fragments,
Never the complete you.
So what right does anyone have
To tell you
What you are?

“Stop finding your identity
In other people.”

‘...You were the only choice.
She was something
I had to get out of the way
First.”

I never said the words
“I tried to **** myself”
To my sister.

We prefer to use things like
“I went through a hard time.”
And occasionally I’ll flippantly say
“I tried to off myself.”

“Suicide”
Is a word
That I’m afraid to utter
For fear
Of upsetting the balance.

She never asked,
I think she thought
That made it easier for me.
But I was found
On a kitchen floor
Passed out,
Covered in my own
*****.
And she never asked
What happened that night.

It hurts the people who love you
When you try to die.
It hurts them so much they can’t talk about it.

I need to.

I need to be able to say
That I tried to do that to myself.

That I was in so much pain
I started to self destruct.

I need to say it out loud
Because I need someone to care
That I did it.

At the dinner table,
We talk about how everyone’s day was,
And I usually say too much
Or get too intense,
And I don’t realize until I’m hushed.

We talk about scarves,
And discount shampoo,
And boys,
And the kids,
And church.

But I don’t really have friends anymore,
I wish you knew that you were just about it.
I wait for you to get home
With your family dog,
We share the same lonely eagerness.

But I’m extra.
I shouldn’t be here.
It’ll be better when I’m gone.

If we all never talk about it,
I guess it’s like it never really happened.

to hear my own voice,
I cry to hear nothing
but the pounding of my own blood
in my ears.

You don’t belong
In old photographs.

You weren’t meant to exist
On paper
Trapped in a frame.

You belong in a garden.

Your pristine
Manicure nails
Belong in the dirt,
Digging for bulbs
And roots.

You’re too colorful
For a scene
Of black and white,
Too intricate
To be a memory.

I watched
As your body became
An object.
I saw you stop being you
In a hospital bed.

You looked delicate.

You’ve never,
Never,
Been delicate.

You’ve been feminine
And beautiful,
But always along side
Strength.

New York farm girl,
With a touch of
Glamour,
An elegant survivor.

You told my sister
And I
You would still sneak out to the garden,
And not to tell.
We never told.

You were never meant to be
Less than yourself.

Your blood
Runs through my veins,
Your fortitude in every step.
Your cheer in my smile,
Your movie star beauty
In all of our faces.

You were never
Meant to be
An old photograph.

I’m stronger than you,
I want you to know that.

Before I was strong enough to love me
I made myself strong enough to love you.
Before I was strong enough to get through a night by myself
I made myself strong enough to talk you through your earliest AM.
When I was so angry with you I couldn’t breathe
I would pick up the phone, I would choose to love you anyway.

Love isn’t having warm fuzzy feelings all the time.
Love is feeling like ****
And still putting the other person first.
Love is being betrayed
And taking care of you anyway.

Love is more than you feel for me.

You care for me,
I don’t question that you care for me.
But I love you with an iron will you don’t have.
I love you with a power you have never felt.
I love you like a mother feeding her child while she goes hungry.
I love you like as a person dying, but asking still if you’re in pain.

You don’t have that strength.

You can choose that strength,
Or I can choose myself.

As much as I’d tried
To hollow myself out
To make room for you,
The healthy side of me
Always fought back,
Fought to push you
Out again
Like an infection.

‘...To your own bed now, or...”
You kiss my neck.
I’m tangled around you,
With my hand
Underneath your boxers
Caressing your hip.

You whip my hair
Out of my face
And kiss me,
Hard and unwavering.
You squeeze my breast,
And climb on top of me.

I roll you back over and kiss you softly.
“All right.”
We quickly break away from each other.
“I love you, I’ll see you tomorrow,”
“I love you too.”

I pull my pants on,
And lean over your bed
Demanding one last kiss.
You grab me
And pull my body to yours
With ease,
And for a moment we’re tangled up again,
Your leg between mine,
Rubbing,
And thrusting yourself against me.
And I kiss you
long and unrelenting.
Then I pull away,
Whisper
“Sweet dreams,”
And you mutter a like reply.
And I leave.

Yes,
We’re being good.
But,
We’re still having a bit of fun.

It turns out you were right...
No one is ever going to want me.

I was naked today
In front of a crowd of people.

I danced naked,
The colors of my skin
Caught the light,
The curves of my body,
The secret parts

I was naked for an audience.

I read my poetry
In a lowlit room,
With art covering the walls.

I was emotionally naked

“Can I just sleep here?”
He exhaled, exhausted.
The past month
He’d been carrying my worries along side me,
Regardless of his own.
He bought me drink
After drink,
Made me food,
Of course he could sleep here,
He was my friend.

We can control ourselves.

A hug goodnight
To my housemate
And I got changed in the bathroom,
Stumbling down the hall.
He was already in my bed,
All wrapped up in my red blanket.
His shirt and pants were on the floor
In a heap.
“Are you just in your boxers?”
I asked, uncomfortable.
“It’s the only way I can sleep.”

I got under my quilt,
Careful to keep my body from his,
Pressing myself against my wall.
He put one arm around me,
And one under my pillow
Like a halo above my head,
In exactly the way he did
When we were together.
He pulled my red blanket over me, and I felt his warm skin.

I pulled away from him,
I could feel his *******.
“Are you okay?”
“Yeah,”
He buried his face in my neck,
And he let out a contented sigh.

How did I get here?

I kept picturing him with his ex wife,
He kept telling me they’re working things out,
And it’s going well.
He’s happy.
So why is he here right now?
Why is my heart breaking all over again?
I worked so hard to be friends,
To be content as friends.

“Your **** is up against my ****.”
“Sorry, I’ll move my leg.”
And he did for a moment.
His hand went under my shirt,
Stroking my stomach.
My breathing got heavier,
I was a terrifying mixture of fear
And anticipation.

I knew I should stop him...

But I didn’t expect it to go farther...

Too many drinks,
I couldn’t think.

He pushed his crotch up against me again.
I wriggled away,
Body tense
Trying to remember
He isn’t mine.
He moved with me,
Not allowing an inch between us.

His hand moved down my stomach,
Down to my hips,
Down...
Down...
Down.
I pulled his hand out.
“What are you doing?!”
“Just helping you out.”
His hand goes back down,
I pull away again.
“Think about what you’re doing,
Think about her.”
“We aren’t exclusive yet.”
He’s back,
Touching me the way he knows I love.
But he shouldn’t be...
He shouldn’t be.

“Just a one time relapse...”
He finishes me off,
And I turn away from him,
Ashamed I let him.
He pulls at the back of my sweat pants
“Rob...”
Pulls down...
Down...
Down.
“You’re not going to be okay if we do this, are you?”
“I’d be fine, it’s you I’m worried about.
What about her?”
“It’ll just be once.”

Just once.

It was technically consensual,
But having to specify
Over and over again,
Hurts.
It shouldn’t have happened without certainty,
Even if I said yes.

College is over
For most of the kids I grew up with,
And now everyone’s getting married
And having babies.
“It’s that time of life”
That’s what I keep hearing,
I’m supposed to feel behind,
And that’s supposed to feel comforting.

Short bottle blonde hair
that catches the light,
tan skin that glows in the evening air.
Enough emotional baggage
to fill a train,
but I guess you have a type.

Jordan it isn't fair.

I shouldn't have let you win me
so easily,
but that doesn't mean I'm not worth anything.

So maybe she's beautiful,
and maybe she needs you,
but you said you wanted me,
I don't need to be broken again.

You found me lying on my kitchen floor
covered in my own *****,
with all the pills in the house
collected in a decorative
plastic basket.
Do you think
I need to be taken for granted
one
more
time?

I'll be fine if you're gone,
I will.
But I don't want you to be.

If you want me
to stop
worrying,
to stop being angry,
stop
talking
to her.

Stop checking her social media
constantly,
stop caring more if you talk to her
than if you talk to me.
You're almost still obsessed with her
and that was okay
when we were first together
and I was trying to give you space to heal,
but it's quickly becoming not okay.

I was your second choice,
regardless of how you argue with me,
I'm not stupid Jordan,
I know.

If you want her
you can't want me too.
I won't let you.