Rainbow parking lot oil stains
After the rain
staring at the washed asphalt
and my fingers go numb
wondering how the hell
and why so sad
another long drag
so much for
trying not to be bitter

Shirtless, barefoot, and
reeking of self-loathe;
he sat in silence
at the edge of his mattress.
Studying the black
lettering on the face of
the prescription bottle
through bloodshot eyes.
His name indicated in bold
just above the RX number.

Aloud he read the words
Amphetamine Salts
To the layman- adderall:
A quick fix for your
run of the mill '*****-up'.
But to him it meant yet
another night without sleep.
One more night away from his demons.
Without the crippling nightmares;
The reoccurring remembrance
of events no longer (if even ever)
within his immediate control.
Glancing over at the clock-
counting quickly on fingers,
he’d figured it’d been about
sixty-four hours since his last sleep.

The lack of rest accompanied by
excessive alcohol consumption,
was making things hazy.
Days bled into one another.
His eyes started playing tricks.
Now sitting up straight,
he applied pressure to the
childproof lid, and twisted.
Plunging his fingers into the bottle,
removing two more pills,
he held them for a moment—
Then, with the help of a
flat, warm, beer swallowed
another twelve guaranteed
hours without sleep.

Laying back, legs hanging
off the edge of the bed
muscles aching,
stomach growling,
eyeballs burning;
content in knowing
he'd die before ever
facing that dream again.

blue was the color of our first passing glance;
it was only a second, but it felt like eternity.
when our eyes met and I fell into them.
i fell into the way they reached into my soul,
electric.
your eyes were electric blue,
stars charged, condensed into your being,
they left me blinking, disoriented at your beauty

blue was the color of your voice,
when you told me that you loved me.
your voice was honey to my bitter soul,
coarsely soft.
you only said it once that day,
but i replayed it in my head so many times
that i began to believe it.
your shirt was powder blue, how could i forget?

blue was the color of our first kiss,
when you caught me mid-laugh.
it was so cold, but the heat traveled
from your lips to mine,
your touch sent a spark down my spine.
it was just you and me under the inky blue sky
and the infinity of the stars was all ours,
just like the infinity of us.

blue is the color of my tears when you left,
when i reached the bottom of the tissue box.
they could not make up for the absence of your shoulder,
your broken promise that left my soul black and blue.

God stared down at the Earth below him
and burst into tears.
"What happened?" he whispered.

You are not my children,
tender as you are.
You are not my lover,
though you cause my heart to yearn.
You are not my sun,
or my moon,
or my star.

I set you on this rock;
you will not make me burn.

You are simply sticks,
arranged upon the pyre.
You are clever tricks,
though you flaunt my clear desire.
You are not the match,
or the wick,
or the fire.

I set you on this rock;
To see what might transpire.

You will never be a pheasant's egg to be coddled.
You are only this: a calf led to the slaughter.

I'm scared you're going to slip away
Like water through the cracks of my façade
As I cling to you desperately, irrelevently.
I need you to live,
But as we slowly forget that each other matter,
Too preoccupied with what's in our lives and minds,
Maybe it will be too late.
All the water will be gone.
And I will look back and regret,
Thirsty for something I had.