he told her he's changing through exasperated breath as if the whole world weighed down upon his words but he left her to find meaning in the ambiguity of his eyes

he told her he's changing but he didn't tell her whether it was for better or for worse, and like a rose whose petals reflect the crimson in her soul he started plucking her beautiful pieces away one by one

it was slow but soon she realized he took away her voice. he took away her confidence, he took away her beauty, he took away her heart, he took away her ability to control her emotions, he took away her happiness -- all the things she thought he gave her he took away and that really showed her who was in charge

her lungs filled with his world once and he warned her not to ever try something like that again because it would **** her but what she didn't say was he was already doing that, because with each conversation she suffocates a little bit more, until eventually the noose will be tied and her body will hang

he told her he's changing but it's clear to see it's somewhere away from her; he's going down the path of skinny girls and large *******, of cigarettes and alcohol, of past memories and old songs, of a world so far removed from her reality that she can never even dream of entering his stratosphere again

missing you hits me in waves and right when I think I'm swimming I drown again

I am all half *** whispers and wrong sides of the bed, all lukewarm milk with cereal and mediocre drip coffee, all tosses and turns and no peaceful slumber

I'm not going to write you a sappy poem about how your squeaky shoes make my heart pitter patter like raindrops when you hear them hit the asphalt outside your window pane because they don't anymore, and I think I'm finally okay with that. Meeting you was exhilarating and it reminded me of the feeling I would get before going onto a roller coaster when my stomach would churn and all sorts of butterflies would make their way from the air I breathed and snuggle into my stomach where they would stay for the whole ride. Maybe I should have known that was a sign. I can't forget the moments where you made my heart beat so fast I was convinced it would pound out of my chest because you were different and I knew this would end better, and I can't forget the times that we would joke around to the point where people thought we were dating because those moments are apart of me and I don't think I regret them anymore. My cheeks are permanently burned by the hot tears that streamed down them when we were together and when we were apart and I don't think I've ever known how to truly feel not good enough until I met you and realized that I'm not who you want but you told me I deserve better and I finally realize that I do. Summer is outside of my window now and it may not be as promising as I wanted it to be but I think it's better than the storms that would freeze my window and it's better than the white that would fall with every time I cried and the raindrops that would pour whenever you told me something new about your new love. I don't know what to do anymore and I think we're probably going to become strangers but regardless you've changed me and I don't regret that and sometimes my heart aches whenever I look at old photos or I see old text messages but I remember that you don't keep your promises and you forget half of what you say and I don't feel as bad when I think about your scent because it's just a coincidence that you have good smelling laundry detergent and squeaky shoes and would stay after with me. I was a convenience when no one else was and I don't know how we happened but we did somehow and in that time frame I managed to slip harder than I ever have before but I'm on my hands again and I'm working my way up to just my feet. Maybe you won't be there to walk by my side, and I think I'm finally okay with that. Maybe my heart will roar like thunder when I see your face again in two months but maybe it will roar for someone else in those two months and will forget the melody it used to beat for you. I used to be torn apart by missing a message from you and I thought I would be physically sick and my knees grew weak when I thought I messed up and all I wanted to do was listen to sad music to the point where my bed remembered the shape of my body, but now I'm happy we don't talk nearly as much, because it's helping me realize I don't need you as much as I thought I did.

I think I'm finally okay.

oh god how it hurts to ignore the one you love
how it takes every bit of energy left inside you to prevent your fingers from hitting
that familiar keyboard and responding in the way muscle memory has grown to know
it hurts because i want you to care but i know if i do not show caring you will stop
and that scares me
but what scares me more is another type of pain i feel
because it also hurts when you mention her and i see her
it hurts when you two are together and the way you smile around her
it hurts the way her name pours off your tongue like the sweetest honey
and now im hurting myself to stop hurting myself
i am deliberately preventing myself from taking in what i felt like i needed
and that hurts

im not generally a happy person i have happy moments but im not that happy
i legitimately get inexplicably sad and its gotten to the point some days where i cant look in the mirror because i hate the reflection
its like dreading every single time your alarm goes off
its like constantly feeling like a failure for everything and then just giving up
its like not studying for an exam that matters to you more than a lot of **** right now
its like realizing you dont know how to survive in life
its like feeling really insignificant
its like always being there for people but never being able to say anything
its like living in a constant world of fear
and it isnt getting buff for someone
its like eating food because you feel like thats all youre good at
its like wanting to cry because your friends are so much better than you
emotionally physically spiritually
its just
its like hell
its like hell every single day that youve become so accustomed to that its turning into reality
its like crying in a hotel room on the floor next to your suitcase and then lying to people telling them you cleaned your face and got mascara in your eye
its that kinda thing

it's that walk you didn't think you'd take, that memory lane that was just five minutes from your house with a car because you've timed it on his phone when your curfew was midnight

the house that once held confusion and comfort now just holds those rusting patterns in your brain of walking up the driveway and heading for the door that once memorized your hand print as much as his

maybe you can escape snow this winter

it's the way that the light strikes his face and the way that you see his new accessories in the foreign couch you once loved the color of because you're all alone in this world girl and nothing is going to change that

perhaps they all think you're anti social because you fade into the background more than they do, what's the point of being unique when i'm redefining the lines of the old and the new, stepping on the boundary of emotions to come back to where i've always been: an end

memory lane is not in my heart and not in my eyes, it's nowhere where i want to be because i'm too **** emotional to be able to handle it and i thought it was a good idea but chasing after butterflies is always a lost cause because they fly away and you're still here

the birds have never looked so dark, the sunny days so terrifying and i don't find the door to the basement anymore because no one is there to open it for me

the sound of music leaves his speakers the way they used to his gramophone but he's up to new technologies now and haven't you learned you're the old cd left in his bedroom to accumulate dust

they don't listen to the music you shared with them in the days when the world was covered in angel tears because they brought umbrellas and youre late to the **** party once again

My anxiety claws its way up from my stomach to my chest,
makes a pit stop to sit heavily when I breathe,
when it senses I am tensing it rises further to my throat so that when I speak,
I know I am in its company;

My anxiety demands respect
it demands to be heard,
it demands to be felt,
it demands to be seen
so that when I take deep breaths and my eyes dart around
at every exit, every window, every glass of water
everyone will feel that something is wrong
leaving me no choice but to excuse myself
leave the room
and wallow in the comfort of my racing thoughts, listing the things I see, feel, smell, taste and praying
that the invitation to the mental health ball in my head
will expire soon

and somehow your words made their way through my tongue and into my heart urging it to beat to only your lips

i could give you so many reasons why you should kiss me
part of them being simply because i want to feel your lips on mine, want to feel our bodies pull together while i melt into your arms
part of them being because i want that awkward moment after it when we just stare at each other with a look combining oh **** and that was amazing
because i know that i'm worthy of that and i know that you still have a promise to keep
because i know that every time you touch me my pulse soars to levels ive never thought were possible to reach
because that's all i think about anymore, about a lost longing that seems to stay with me
because you make me inexplicably sad and irrevocably happy
and because in those happy moments i realize that i am genuinely smiling
because i never want to leave your side when im with you
because i have stayed here for you and you for me and youre confused
because you have to have something to convince you that its not her but rather me thats the right person to channel love into
because i will be the sponge that will take in every moment im with you
because i already am that sponge
because i think i love you and im not scared
because there's only one song playing on repeat right now and it says it all
                                      *"kiss me like you want to be loved"

when they broke my heart god knows the last thing I wanted was to remember how it felt because it takes a lot to make someone feel like they can't breathe even when they're not underwater, but even though I hated them in ways that only my heart understood, I don't really regret them

they all taught me pain but it was because of that pain that I could move on, because of that pain that I now know how it feels to be completely shattered and get when my best friend tells me no, today she doesn't feel like being quite alive

they taught me empathy and they taught me true love in the sense that it was because of all of their errors that I truly appreciated what was in front of me when the time came, and now I understand that the kind of man who stays with you even when you're going through hell and not the man who leaves you mid way is the kind of man who deserves to stay and maybe I'm scared to have my heart shattered again but I don't regret ever having it broken because at least I learned that only I can fix myself and that has made me stronger than ever before

yes it hurts. it's the greatest kind of pain I've known and I wouldn't wish it on anyone, but maybe it was for the better...

maybe learning to let go is all for the better

I don't think I understand the concept of forevers and goodbyes. I just can't wrap my mind around the idea of lasts.

My own self criticism isn't enough; everyone will always have something to say to you that will enter your skin like a dagger.

you've gained weight!
You try being diagnosed with ******* anorexia and then tell me why I gained weight. I look in the mirror everyday and want to break the reflection.

you look too formal, it's too hot out for that long skirt
I have scabs on my legs from the over sensitive skin that decides to cling onto me. Rashes from mosquito bites are not beautiful. People stare.

why aren't you reading
I'm on vacation after busting my *** for nine months. That's why.

you look worried, what's wrong
If only you knew I'm okay means nothing.

you're too naive to understand but you'll see one day
I'm naive because I care about things, because I won't eat chicken that I saw dead in a pan, because I won't throw away a snail through the window from the seventh story because I can't imagine myself falling, because I realize humans are animals too? I'm not naive. My thoughts keep me awake at night.

And all of their voices circle through my mind day after day after day reminding me I will never be good enough.

you always distance yourself, and I've always told myself that I'm never going to put myself through hell to be in the middle of dating and friends but we both made sacrifices now

how can you say goodbye to someone who knows your body and your mind inside and out, who knows what to do and what to say and what to touch and what to make you feel so that you're on cloud nine all the ******* time

this is a letter to you to tell you don't stop - don't stop touching, don't stop caring, don't stop *******, don't stop wanting

**** the emotions are so rough but the *** is so fine, baby I can't let go this time

Timid bodies under blankets too white to be considered innocent

The way the salt from my freshly formed tears touch your lips and you engulf the last of my cells as if metamorphosis were at work

As your fingers trace the bits of my spine that have broken with each time I've fallen on the floor in the blood of a shattered heart, I can't help cringing because how can I not have trust issues from fingers so familiar to the countless ones before, ones that somehow used their intricate DNA to open my chest and leave it bleeding

I wish a drag of nicotine could replace how addicted I am to the way you whisper into my ear, constantly searching for affirmation because controlling yourself isn't your strong suit, but no amount of inhaling is going to teach my lungs to live without the oxygen I get from each kiss

This is temporary love, the kind of love that leaves you breathless for hours on end day by day until eventually you forget how to breathe, the kind of love that they never warn you about because soulmates must exist and they must come together far better than two people under the influence of red wine can, the kind of love where you wake up in the morning and you get struck by eyes so beautifully caring you can tell you won't last much longer

This is temporary love, but you won't stop

This is temporary love but you know it's addicting because leaving your lips stamped on another one is enough to ensure long after you're gone your love can somehow carry on

i want you to pick my body up and hold it together with every ounce of sadness you have left in you so we can crucify ourselves at the cross of depression with hearts open to loving like never before

twisted thoughts form around how much you realise you care about someone during evenings that buzz louder and louder with each pressing word that passes your brain and i wonder how long it'll take until i scream in my sleep trying to call a name long forgotten by the walls of my room

and i'm running and running and running in circles to try to catch up with my own afflictions but they keep beating me to the finish line until i'm left so weak i collapse under the weight of every criticism i string out to define my cells to shoot my thoughts to shake my confidence and break my passion

you were a golden girl until you let yourself dull down; nobody likes gold if it can't sparkle.

I may have been broken one too many times,
I may have heard "I'm not ready now" too many times,
I may have dreaded the thought of you too many times,
I may have cried over you too many times,
I may have wished for him too many times.

But I still yearn for love,
the beauty of it, the simplicity,
the warm arms wrapped around me on a cold day,
the smile when it rains,
the kisses and the warmth,
the shelter and the comfort.

I may have been broken too many times,
but the reason I keep coming back for more is because
I don't know how to stop.

I am addicted to the imaginary and pray it will be reality,
I am addicted to the concept of love and its endless possibilities.

One day, it will come.

that feeling in the pit of your stomach as you raise your eyes to look at them, it's lethal

my love is like poison and the second upon exposure i'm left vulnerable but you're left affected forever, one step forward, a single blow to the lips and he has to open his eyes to see her face and remember this is real, she is real

it won't be movie love, it will be real love, and for that you must be warned - do not engage if you don't want after-*** cuddles and life contemplations, hot chocolate runs and holding hands without gloves since the heat from your hands are enough to warm the lack of oxygen reaching mine, late night laughter and cheesy dancing

do not engage if you don't want to let yourself fall in love, because it will happen slowly and if you realise when it's too late that you need to back out you need to know that like a bee who stings and dies, pushing me away from you after i've loved will cause me to be crippled not only by the weight of the falseness that i've been living in, but also the dense, crushing weight of my own love, of the letters and the kisses and the laughter

if you see me contemplate running after you when we say goodbye because i've always had a fear of departure, if you see my eyes light up when you walk into a room with an expression that can only be described as warmth and admiration, if you see my hand slowly make its way to yours in a desire to be held and comforted, if you see me love completely, depressingly, you need to stop me, because i'm warning you that if you don't i will get hurt and the pain of being locked out of my life forever will hurt you more in the months proceeding than it will hurt me as i learn to build myself up again for somebody else

you can fall in love with my lips, my humour, my dresses, my laughter, my smile, the emptiness of my eyes, the constant fear, the happiness when food comes, and anything else and everything else - but please, remember that it's lethal

it's lethal to love and to be loved, but it's the best poison i've ever really known

**** you.

This year I've learned that memories can play on repeat like a broken record, even memories you wish never happened when you're all alone in the dark and you cannot stop thinking about them

And I also have learned that I sometimes wish I had selective memory to wipe some of those moments away; out of sight, out of mind.

But I don't get that option, and so I'm stuck here with the dark only to comfort my tears and as I'm left crawling in this empty space all I can think about is how I cannot be too loud because they might hear me and how can I explain myself when it's midnight and all I can think about is a moment that happened over two months ago?

battlefield after battlefield trying to fight through a screen with words that are so sharp they could pierce a bullet proof vest and shoot a man's heart dead, remember when we used to argue about things like who takes more sugar instead?

running away from problems like my shoes can afford to do that, like my feet have memorised the feelings of stones beating against them, like my body has learned the rhythm of something other than how it reacts when it's against yours, really I'm lying to myself in a drawn out way because somewhere I heard a slower death gives you time to appreciate life a bit more

blame falling on he who cares the most, they taught me to love was a weapon and how was I supposed to know that it could truly **** what was there, living in the cold spaces and silence between us when we were lying in the bed and I couldn't imagine my life any different

everything happens for a reason but reasons aren't given for everything; I'm sorry but I just can't accept an end built on only atoms and empty screens

I've always been one to talk about change as if I was immune to it and it would never happen to me, but looking back on it I realized that not only has it happened, but I feel so alienated from what I used to be that old pictures seem to be a stranger staring from the frame into my own eyes from a fog of the past that I can't seem to recollect

I have to learn to make it on my own out there in a world full of people that can tear me down more than pick me up and it's going to be a process not easily overcome and impossible to avoid but for some reason the fear inside me is starting to melt away at the thought that these worn out eyes can finally breath in the sunshine, or lack thereof, of another country

There was a question that asked how I feel I've changed since my Freshman year and all I could say was that my eyes have become ones that back then were not capable of seeing the reality I was living in everyday, but now they can see, and they take note, and they see those looks that you give them and they write down in their memory carved with the scraps of past ones that I should be invisible

I realized in two weeks that I mourn by not mourning, because I avoid crying now that it's all drained out of me, and with the death of a best friend, I haven't shed a true tear that was not under the influence of the fluids they were pumping in me through an IV system, and I don't know what's the matter with me, but I just focus on the happy happy happy because if I don't the world knows that will be the end of me

I'm sitting in the room I've been sitting in for over seven years writing about change. I never thought the day would come when it would be about myself, but it is, and here I am, and I have changed. I over think things, I question, I observe, I'm careless and careful and confused and lost and searching somewhere inside of me for where I'm going and who I'm going to be but the answers haven't come yet so I'm forced to be patient and wait for them as long as I need to because without a sense of self, I am no one.

I kissed his lips at midnight and somehow he convinced me that Sunday mornings were made for bacon and cuddles and Saturday nights shouldn't be spent crying yourself to sleep

I kissed his lips at midnight and I learned what it feels like to have someone who truly wants you in all their timidity, someone who is ready to lift your chin up and grab your face and lean in despite height differences

I kissed his lips at midnight and I realised that sometimes the best decisions are made spontaneously, out of the blue in the middle of the street with hands intertwined as if we knew each other for ages when really it was two hours

I kissed his lips at midnight and my heart was left in his hands, because those kisses continued until Sunday at four thirty pm and since then he's all I can think about

The oceans my tears produce aren't big enough to get through to you

it's all so much brighter on the big screen: smoother, prettier, better

they look at each other with twilight in their eyes and a sparkle in their smile, making our worn out eyes and dull teeth look like a joke in comparison

they fight over the little things but in the end he comes back to her and she realizes her mistakes, they aren't stubborn like us, he isn't as resilient and i'm not as carefree

when i see them i realize the fault in our own love, when i see them i don't see any shattered glass or fragments of organs that used to be in you but were squeezed out because of how densely crushing your last love was

i don't see the drops of imaginary red dripping from their chests and suddenly it all makes sense

it works on the tv screen because they aren't broken like us
they don't cry themselves to sleep, they don't hold on to the past tighter than they hold on to themselves
they're characters and they're lines, they're stage directions and sure he may look at her in a way i only dream to be looked at but your brown eyes and worried brow are something i wouldn't trade in for a second

at the end of the day those are the movies and this is reality and when the lights turn back on i'm back to square one

no gleaming eyes, no defied gratitude, just me and you

Sometimes you just get used to your decisions
and that no matter what you do nothing will ever really change.

Sometimes you get used to the mundane everyday feel of getting up,
getting dressed, spending a few extra minutes to look decent, typically for those
who don't really care.

Sometimes you try to build yourself up again to stand back up
and feel the old friend of excitement work through the intricate details
of each of your veins as if it was your blood, but you only stand up to
fall back down into your bed, where you plan to stay the rest of the day.

Sometimes I realize there is really no point to trying to tell you how I feel
because it's all a matter of a mundane reality - a reality I cannot change.

That's okay; I'm used to the pain, and god forbid you'll ever have to face emotions
on your own, I would never want that.

whether it's 57 or 47 i don't know because i got sidetracked and i guess that's good because for the first time in a long time i was able to be sidetracked from the idea of you
this summer was a necessity for me, not a want because i needed to get away from here and from all of those memories of every time i did something wrong and ******* up and although it hurt being in the same place twice for a total of seven hours it wasnt as bad as i thought
youre just a memory now and accepting that is no longer like drinking a teaspoon full of bitter medicine making me want to throw it up just to keep you as alive as i could
i held on to you like you were some kind of lifeboat but you arent and never were and never will be and now you want to float your way back into my life but i learned how to swim in the salty water of the black sea summers ago and i was reminded once again that im too good for your drowning savior
this is my 57th and last poem to you, because i realized that resigning writing about you is resigning the memory of you and it's finally time for that
no more thinking about the carpet burns on my hands and the stream of tears that would pour waterfalls onto my cheeks to ruin my makeup
no more looking back at the story i wrote just so i wouldnt forget the experience and no more wishing it had happened differently
no more walking down the hallway with a shallow hole in my chest where your bullet ripped right through it and no more looking like the walking dead because of you ((i can still look like it for old reasons though))
and it makes me sad that i never really realized all of this until after June, until after an unforgettable experience with my loved ones but thats what did it for me
the melody of the mountains and the songs the summer sang in perfect harmony
and i realized in the end of july, when i was in a car without makeup, with work clothes, my hair blowing in the wind of the rolled down windows of a old car, it was when i looked at the window mirror then, that i was smiling

i was smiling

its been over two months since ive cried about you and i plan to keep it that way, and so i wanted to say i bid you adieu

it was nice while it lasted but kids grow up like grass when you give them soil and emotions recover from withering once you give them water

and i? well, i finally decided to drink the water.

Why is it that at night the girl I turn into is a warrior, someone who will take nothing from anyone, who is full of confidence and sure of what she wants, who is the opposite of me, but during the daytime she decided to leave me? Where does she go?

I can't believe I let myself fall so hard...



...*again

Take my hand and together let's ride
on the wings of time, flying together
to the land of nostalgia where you can
meet those lost in love, those lost for love,
and those simply lost in the world of
clocks and numbers, minutes and seconds
trapped forever in a continuum of a replay of memories.

Don't hold onto texts like that lost hope you once had and expect that time will defy all of it's laws just to go back for you and let you rethink all of your decisions, because it simply won't

Don't try cramming all your emotions in the three minutes before your eyes seem to stop seeing the world because you'll end up feeling disappointed and crying instead of dozing off, and you'll be left to hear the cars in the streets and the snores from the balconies and wonder why you're the one with a problem

Don't tell yourself anyone is worth any of you because you're a tarnished diamond and they aren't easily found. Let someone take their time to polish you back up, to give you another reason to shine

Enjoy the moments that happen around you when you're in the car with your parents who have grown old right before your eyes and feel like a kid again, shouting lyrics to the old classic rock songs you knew by heart as a child

Stop worrying about an end. Know that endings happen and that's just a life cycle, and there is nothing you can do to stop time

Don't regret every action you make because not everything was a mistake when you first did it so what makes it a mistake now?

keep smiling, everybody needs a break sometimes*
keep smiling, everybody needs a break sometimes
keep smiling, everybody needs a break sometimes
keep smiling, everybody needs a break sometimes
*keep smiling, everybody needs a break sometimes

There's nothing worse than the silence in the morning,
when you wake up and you're all alone
and you have to face your thoughts.

There's nothing worse than waking up and
not being able to sleep again because
of your thoughts rushing like a motor
the minute they're activated from that
dreamland that is starting to tear you apart.

There's nothing worse than falling in love
with someone who doesn't love you back.
Nothing worse than putting out an effort
for them to notice you again and try to
repair things like before and for them
to just give up on you.

There's nothing worse than thinking you aren't
good enough for them, but still thinking
about them every hour of the day,
every minute, every second.

There's nothing worse than knowing *he doesn't care.