My mom once told me hate was a strong word, and I can thus say for certain
I hate this.

I hate how I keep thinking about you the minute I wake up,
I hate how when I see a photo of you my heart drops,
I hate how when I go to bed I can't escape you because you're in all of my dreams,
I hate how I still get dressed in order to catch your attention,
I hate how I spend time thinking about what we could be, what we never will be,
I hate how you walk around and act like everything is okay,
I hate how you can smile everyday and seem to not care,
I hate how you have the option to ignore all of this,
I hate how I decided to tell you how I felt in the first place,
I hate how you stare at me still for moments that feel like they last forever,
I hate how time still stops when I hear your voice,
I hate how when I see you you're the only person I focus on,
I hate how we don't talk to each other anymore,
I hate how impatient I feel like I'm being,
I hate how you're taking your time,
I hate how I know you know how I feel,
I hate how I feel so vulnerable,
I hate how after everything I still like you,
I hate how I can't just let you go,
I hate how I'm *still wishing

it is the way that I wake up in the middle of the night relentlessly searching for you in a single bed

the way I instinctively say we because I have no more desire to be the solo remnants of an ‘I’ that was too tired to stand up straight

the way I cannot help but smile in fragments of moments when I realise that you have become more valuable and yet more priceless than the next breath I breathe

that I’ve come to realise just how much I love you

I can't concentrate

I can't think

And when I do,

I think of you.

Why is it that the problems of the night,
seem to melt away in the rays of the light?

All the thoughts seem to dissolve,
still in a way that we can't solve.

You remember where you've been,
the thoughts you've traveled in that little inn
in your head where you're greeted,
and check out in the morning before you can be seated.

The bellman at the door just gives you a look
that tells you he knows you'll be back in that nook.

"Goodbye, chap" he says with a smile and a nod,
but you can't get yourself to smile at the sod,
because the truth is that you don't want to return,
in a dungeon where you can't learn
what it takes to be happy.

i walk down the hall with armor on my face
because i have to be the soldier that cannot say anything

images reflect off of me as i greet people with smiles
but deep down i want to rip off all the fake steel that people cannot see behind

i feel myself growing weaker and weaker as people are ******* the marrow out of me
instead of their own lives, as they gain their momentum from pointing out flaws
of a girl

i am many things but psychopathic is not one of them and how dare you decide it is okay
to speak about someone like that, to create a dungeon built from your lies and hold me prisoner.

i feel like crying but you will never see because i will greet you with a smile
and talk to you about your day

**** them with kindness they say,
well i'm ready to watch this **burn

you are the king and i am the queen and together,
we practice the art of self destruction

denial is in our blood and fake smiles run red hot through our dna
we are accustomed to hiding the pain until one day we can't anymore
and we should look out for one another but we like to feel broken

you and i are the king and queen of denial
we assume it will all go away and nothing is true
we shield away from the sharp knives that dig their way into our backs
because we can feel the pain but if we don't see it it's not there

the air in our lungs will collapse one day as the heart takes one last palpitation
and we will gaze into each others eyes with death as our stares become empty

you and i are the king and queen of denial,
i dream of being with you and you dream i am not here
and our dreams are slowly becoming realities as we over-analyze it all to ensure
that you are for me and i am over you

but i have mastered the art of reading your eyes and the way you walk
and i know something is wrong deep within
so just remember that i have already fallen enough to learn getting up is not worth it
but you cannot deny your fall any longer
and all your universe has ever known will change and there will be no more denial

i will be here when the king turns into a corpse, giving in because
*he will finally learn how to accept

it's as if somebody taught him how to hold the rope, put the knots in between his hands and told him to squeeze, watched the blood drip from everywhere but his heart, showed him that it was safer that way

it's as if someone taught him how to tie the rope, how to make one knot then two, two loops around the collar bone and under the jaw, as if someone told him that it was better to learn to hate her than to learn to love her because it's safer that way

but it's as if nobody taught him that to every method there's a fallout, didn't teach him that people survive hangings, didn't teach him that i can learn how to tie knots too

Perhaps when she looks at you
and she smiles
and says "I'm okay"
she is saying
the most
b
  e
     a
  u
t
  i  
      f
  u
l
*lie

slipping is a lot like drowning except you don't realize you're in water and you can't breath and maybe his face is making you forget that you're this mass in an ocean that has sheltered far too many people but when he offers his hand out to you you can't help but grab it because you don't want to drown and suddenly there's this rush of realization that you're a sinking ship and maybe nothing is strong enough to reel you back in but you just grab him with the hope that he knows what he's doing while you take a load off for a while and realize that yes, you may have needed him

Is it nice being you, knowing all but saying
n o t h i n g?

Is it nice being you, doing well in school,
not having a care in the world about emotions?

Is it nice being you, being ignorant of
the amount of pain you cause me with everyday
going unchanged?

Is it nice being you, having the ******* privilege
of the fifth amendment, having the option to not
use your words?

Must be nice being you.

Do you know that everytime you look at me
my heart feels like it's been stabbed with
a needle -- small enough to make an impact but
not a permanent scar?


You probably don't know that I've cried. You probably don't know that I hope for interaction everyday, that I dread things like pretending it's all okay.

With every joke you make, every pathetic attempt
to ignore reality, you hurt me more and more,
because I don't have an option for words; I can only stay silent now.

It must be nice being you.

sometimes things change and we can't control it
and sometimes it's easy to forget that we are only human beings,
incapable of preventing something inevitable.

but i do have to admit, it is a shame when you see someone
you really care about go through such pain
and such emotion and still pretend to be okay to you
because it is as if you are stuck in a box with no opening, and only
a little hole in the box will allow air to flow in.

at some point you don't even want to breath in the air
anymore. sometimes you would rather suffocate so you can forget
temporarily about everything. sometimes you would rather ignore
it all than notice it's there. maybe if you don't admit it to yourself
it isn't true.

but i have been through the "i'm fines" and i know
this isn't the case and no matter how many times you want to
say it, it will simply not come true. no matter how many times i claw at
my skin and the ground, no matter how many times i sigh and stoop my
head down, no matter how many times i cry, i cannot bring back
the month of november; i cannot redo my mistakes.

things have changed back then and circumstances change
and maybe you never did change because i created this perfect mold for you
and expected you would fit in it, but maybe it was my mold that was flawed,
not you. maybe i'm the one who changed, maybe i'm the one that
caused my own pain. that's what i think now, anyway.

i wish i could rewind the hands of time, and i wish that things were
the way they were on a nice autumn day. but they are not, and i have to learn
to accept change, and i have to learn to control my frustration with it
because maybe this was all for the better; i just don't know it yet.

i realize i look at you the way that they all do now,
that long list of girls that admire that smile

but i look with a tint of concern too when i know that you're hiding things
and you don't want to say them but they weigh on your shoulders more
than your backpack

i also realize i don't want to begin anything again
because anything now will be half-assed
and will just cause more pain than anything else

but when she hugged you today it bothered me in a way that only i can say
and when she talked to you today and when they all talk to you
and you respond with effortless smiles and pay them all
mind and joke around about how the timing is all off for them to talk
i secretly wish that they could all go away because they are a reminder
that this shouldn't happen again

i remember the first day we really talked. it didn't take long for me to seep through the your interior and wish that you would soak all of me into that passionate heart of yours.

you made me laugh harder than i had in a while - a genuine laugh, a genuine smile. she joked around about whether we were becoming best friends or not. we both laughed it off, but my eyes gave it away anyway.

i remember strike one and i had no idea your heart was elsewhere and you had no idea hers was too. i was in denial. there was no way that this would happen again, the whole liking thing hasn't been going all too well for me and i wanted to keep my promise that i would not hurt myself again.

but the power of your sympathy and the radiance of your eyes kept me in place.

i stood motionless in your shadow for a while, until you slowly opened up to me and whatever quality you saw in me back then that you deemed worthy enough to lower some of your mask to. and i was so willing to take that mask and throw it on the floor, but you made sure that i could not do that without grabbing some of mine too.

i got to feel the delicacy of your presence; i understood what girls raved about. and i thought i would be different - the girl who broke the barrier to get to your heart and take it away. but i was wrong and there's nothing i can do about it.

my emotions hit me harder than the tiles in my bathroom floor that i hit knowing that you wanted to be completely and utterly with someone else. knowing that everything i interpreted was analyzed wrong and that nothing meant anything to anyone but me.

and i tried so **** hard to get back up again and i finally did but i can't last months and weeks were enough to send me crumbling down again, this time taking you with my fall. and i thought that there was something. i think that there is something. but something is defined differently by everyone and my luck hasn't been all too great for it to contain a positive connotation.

and now, emotional breakdown number three has yet to hit me but i can feel it coming down the tracks of my mind like a freight train containing in it all of my regrets and a gun to shoot down all of my confidence. and i swear every day she gets more beautiful and i look in the mirror and see myself become uglier and uglier and i see you radiate more and more and i wish that i could say something and grab you here with me so that we can look at the constellations together and not speak but just feel our presence and not think and not over complicate things but i cant.

and i never will be able to.

I hate that feeling
at the pit of my stomach
when I know I've
done something terribly
wrong

I hate that feeling of
impending doom
when it is just
expected that something
like this will happen
and it is no
surprise

When I think of you my hearts skips not one,
but ten beats.

My palms get sweaty, the butterflies get unleashed in my stomach, and my emotions seem to surface to my head
faster and faster.

When I think of you, I get filled with dread and sadness, but happiness all the same.    
How can you have that effect on me?

I want to throw my pillow in the air, let out a joyous sound and catch it, but I want to lay in my bed all day and wonder why life treats me this way.

When I think of you my mind often stops working.
Everything turns into mush and I can't think of anything to say other than to smile.

When I think of you all I can do is get trapped inside my thoughts
and I desperately try to run away from them but can't because you won't let me.

When I think of you, I wish my mind would let you go.

When I think of you, I don't want you to ever leave.

i fell
        down
              down
                      d o w n
into the depths of my heart
and i felt like i was
d r o w n i n g

it'll all be okay now
don't look at me that way
because i feel
perfectly
    f  
i
          n
      e

and i know the longer i speak
the more it will come true
and there is no point
to look at you the way
that i now do

i cannot handle you being near me
but i cannot handle you leaving
please don't leave
come back
stay away forever

what is wrong with me