What is in my head, is my buisness.
Unless I tell you, then its our buisness,
but not the buisness of those around us.
Same goes for you.
What you don't tell me, I don't need to know.
What you do tell me, Is your buisness alone.
Not hers, his, or theirs.
Your secrets are safe with me.
I've learned my lesson before.
Telling nobody, is better than telling all,
because it saves confusion in the end.

for you
this is buisness.

for you
I am just a job.

for you
I am just a stranger.

for me
this is personal.

for me
this is pleasure.

for me
you are a friend.

thank you for human contact
I wish your touch would never end.

I love the way you make me feel
its as if time stops
it seems so surreal
i cant wait for the night
i can sleep by your side
if all be able to with
your heartbeat against mine.

when you played your guitar
it caught me by suprise
i laughed to myself
and then realized
i have the perfect guy
that all the girls dream of
and getting you
was not even rough

when you get upset
theres no need to apologize
or even analyze
ways you can compromise
just tell me you love me

i was always told
to second guess people
see things from different views
because they are evil
but when it comes to you
i know its unessesary
this dating buisness seemed hard
but now its preliminary

I went to a brand new town
Spread out across the desert like a prom queens legs

The place has one restraunt
The place has one gas station

I made a mental note to look em' all in the eyes.
The guy at the counter was human enough

His nametag said MIKE
Mike, your *** is mine

What'll it be boy
**** people who call me boy

Just this
bottle of water

That'll be a dollar, son
**** people who call me son

I pull out a dollar
well...a dollar that looked something like a Colt Python 357.

That put a damper on ol' mikes day
I bet that **** fool ****** himself

I wonder If he noticed the sunlight flickering off  guns mother-of-pearl handle
I sure did

Take all the money. Please just don't **** me
I don't want the money, Mike

He whimpered when I said his name
******* always do that

What do you want then.........
Mike, I want to **** you

Sure enough he had to have a reason
The worst ******' word in the world

Why

and its nemesis

Because

You want to **** me just because?
because why?

Right there I knew Mike would never get it
He would never understand...poor old mike

Your about to get a wake up call Mike
Your about to be free as **** and not know what to do with yourself

Mike stands there with his hands up shaking
At home his wife is talking on the phone to her sister about going up there on vacation

Mike says
Please I have a wife and kids

Please don't **** me
Please Please dear God don't **** me

Mikes daughter was making him a fathers day card with a glue stick and glitter
Mikes son was licking the **** of some girl. Parkeed out by the Big Red Rock.

Mike Listens
Mike wants to live

Listen Mike
I say cool calm and collected

Your about to get it mike
Mike imagines his wife reading his obituary

You are about to lose your own soul Mike
You know...gain the whole world

Your about to be free Mike
You are one of the lucky ones

No need to thank me once you've gone Mike
You just enjoy it

For a second Mike looked like he understood
like he mighta got it

Let that which is given
Become lost

Let that which is gained
Become lost

Let this ******* pig, ****, trash, ****-stained-matress of a life
Be put out with the Monday trash

Mike knew he was in for it
Done for

I asked mike if he wanted to die like a man
I looked him hard in the eyes

He said he sure did
I asked him if he was ready to do the work of the universe

The work of god
Yes I am

I hand mike the gun
and the first bullet takes me through the right eye

So slow I can feel the optic nerve sever
before I die

before I die
I see mike standing over me

Looking down at me
this giant bleeding hole in my head

Mike says thank you
I tell him...Hey Dont Mention It

After he empties the rest of the rounds into my head
Mike walks out into the desert

He walks to my car
Fills it with gas

and gets inside
right there on the seat where I left the

box of shells for him to find
reloading

key turn
engine crank

and the car pulls slowly onto the street
the car drives down the desert road

****, it sure feels good to be free

Where does this zero go?
when is it o.k to say yes or no?
my transactions arent lining up
and my expenses have run amuck
and i think my buisness has  gone to ****
i think that i am out of luck

whats wrong with me?
why cant i see like you see?
could just a couple of months have done this to me?
am i really that messed up?
everything i see i question..
your so cute...
and your such a good guy, babe.
everything about you seems right.
my parents even like you.
your so respectful and sweet...
but babe...
i said it from the beginning I'm not into catch your feelings.
you know i don't want that.
i wouldn't be good for you..
...Boy, you know id only get you into more trouble than your used too.
"we can make it work ill do anything"
no no no... im sorry
i dont play like that babe.
your making it personal but when we do this to me its only business.

There's Midnight Ravens
along the telephone
wire.
******* suckers
with deep dark
eyes that
see death
before it comes.
These hosts
of the end
pay me no mind
as I pass beneath
their roost.
They rudely go
about their
Raven buisness,
yelling and
******* their way
into the morning.

An unrelenting
bark drums
on from
behind
a white painted
fence.
An insane sound
like an alarm that
no one will turn
off.

I step over a small
cities worth of
ants who are
scrambling
around a crack
in the
sidewalk
clogged with
more frantic
ants.
The great flood
has arrived
in the form of
a timed sprinkler.
And all of
the soldiers
have abandoned
the Queen.

It's early morning
The air has
yet to be
choked out
by the
diesel fuel
and needless
emissions that will
soon began to
smother the
city
.
The faint smell
of fresh fish
makes its way
up the city
blocks from
the waterfront
below.

Old Italian and
Slavic women
stand outside
in their
long day time
night gowns
smoking cigarettes
while watering
the concrete.

I enter the
alley way ,
the smell of
***** diapers,
cheap
laundry detergent
and too
many children
surround an
apartment complex.

As I passed I came
upon the Black Princess
of these streets.
The wisest and
surest of them all
crosses my path.
Her tail held high
and strong,
striding care free,
she looks at me
with her
emerald eyes
and yawns.
She stops near a row
of trashcans that
are lined
up looking like
a modern
day monolith.

She laps at her
paw with slow,
long, lazy
licks as I
pass.
She again fixes me
with those marble green
eyes and lets me
know without
saying a word.
That the alley cat kills
for fun.
Ignores all Gods
by choice
and laughs
at our attempts
to tame it.

.
       Taking one last drag off My cig I flick it to the ground and watche the little sparks of flames that shoot off it as it hits the ground. It is 11:00 on a wednesday night and I was parked in a bad part of town in a small conneticcit town. leaning against My beat up old 2003 black ford focus the window in the back seat rolls down.

     "Hawk how long are these guys going to take? Are you sure they're even coming?" Twittle says around a huge *** yawn. I pin him with one of my glares that said Shut the **** up. He pins me with one of his own glares I DARE you written all over it. My heart thuds just a little faster in my chest. All I wanted to do right now was take him home and accept that I dare you challenge. His cocky *** grin showed that he kenw what he was doing to me. I narrow my eyes at him.

      "Watch it boy" I growl and turn my attention back to the deserted parking lot, trying to calm my nerves. What was taking them so long? I figured for cociane addicts the thugs would have been here right on time to get their next fix. My nose burning at the memories of all the times I had felt the rush of a fix. Then up ahead in the glow of a random streetlamp I see three shadowy figures heading our way.

      "Twittle get out of the car they're here" I said and pushed off the car, not waiting for his response,I head in the guys direction. I hear the car door open and slam shut, and within seconds I feel twittles presence right behind me. The three junkies stop a few feet away from us.

       "You.. you got the stuff man?" The man who seemed like the leader said to me. His voice shook and was too high pitched. The guy was already high out of his skull. Just my luck, The high ones were always the worst to deal with, just about the deprived ones. At least that type was easier to manipulate. The ones that were high were too paranoid to pull a fast one over thier heads. I sighed, guess I wasnt going to be getting more then the coke was worth. ****, and I was hoping for a few extra hundreds so I could take twittle out for the night.

         "Yeah yeah I got it right here" I said in my casual, I'm chill there is nothing wrong here voice, a voice one must perfect if they are going to do the type of buisness I do. I pull out the baggie filled with the white powder that they were craving. In the dim lighting I could just make out the wide eyed staring of the guys, the look of raw need and lust. I sympathized with them, I knew that feeling all to well. "Now give me the money and you will get what you came here for" I said still casual, but an underlying threat present. The leader takes a step forward and eyes the drug suspisiciouly.

        "Is it all there? You aint trying to trick us or anything right?" He says paranoia seeping into his words as the drugs already in his system take control of his brain. A sharp anger flares up in me, How Dare he accuse me of cutting corners! I may try to swindle a few extra dollars out of people but I never give them less then what they asked! I quickly squash down the anger, it would do nothing but start a fight.

       "Yes its all here all (wont put real amount) of it. now give me the money" I says trying to surpress my annoyance. I feel Twittle step closer to me and feel his hand on my lower back. showing his silent support. **** these junkies, they needed to give me my ******* money now Before Twittle made me lose my mind. I held out my hand showing the leader I meant buisness and held the drugs out of his reach.  Money then drugs

         "Norm use to give us the goods Then let us give him the money, How about we do it that way." One of the other guys says, the other lackey snickering. I turn my glare to them and they quickly shut up.

         "Well I'm not Norm, I'm better." I say flashing them a deadly grin. The one who made the comment strides up and looks at the goods from a safe distance. Suddenly he whips around to the leader.

        "Man the ******* is trying to play us! Thats not Coke thats ******* FLour!" He screams in a full blown drug fit. My anger flares up again. I may be a crook and a drug dealer but I NEVER Played my customers that way. I always gave them what they wanted, Nothing less nothing more. The leader swore and reaching behind him he draws a gun out. Pointing it straight at me. Outwards I show that this was nothing new to me that it didnt affect me, which was true, I've had guns pulled on me more times then I would like to remember. I felt Twittle tense up behind me and with my free hand I reach around and grabs his, squeezing it to show him everything will be ok.

       "Look guys this is the real ****, Now you can either take it and give me the money or you can just walk away and find a new dealer." I said straining to keep the situation calm. I knew how to disarm the guy if I needed to but with Twittle there I really didnt want to. The leader hesitates for a few seconds but then points the guns at me again.

         "How about you give me the drugs and forget you ever met me." He says his voice laced with drug hysteria. I sigh and shake my head.

       " I would love to boys. But not without my money. Listen this is how its going to happen You're going to pu-" A loud ring fills the air cutting me off mid sentence. A few seconds later a White hot fire burns through my shoulder as the bullet slices through me making me stagger back from the impact. The ******* ****** Shot Me! I've been shot at numerous times, and stabed more times then I could remember, Hell I've walked around for a full day with a small blade stuck in my fourarm and didnt even notice until the pain finally got to me. But never Once had I been actually SHOT!. The pain was blinding and I could feel hot liquid ooze down my arm and knew my shoulder was losing blood.

       "You ******* ******* come here!" I hear Twittle yell and I lift my head just high enough to see him tear after the trio.

       "Twittle... No" I managed to say through the pain, but he didnt hear me. I turned toward the car, I had a gun my self in the glove box If I could get to it and get to the junkies in time maybe I could protect Twittle. I took a few steps and staggered, almost falling forward. My vision was clouding around the edges. Oh for **** sakes Was I really going to pass out? really? I thought angery with my body for being such a whimp. I couldnt pass out now! I had to help Twittle, He could get in serious trouble. I reached the car and fumbled with the car door trying to open it. I lost my balance slightly and slammed my bad shoulder into the window. The white pain intenifying. Biting back a moan I slid down the cars length landing on the ground. I looked at my shoulder and in the dark I could just barely see the dark liquid that covered my entire arm. I looked at my hand and saw the sticky red blood dripping off of it and pooling on the asphalt next to me. I was loosing way to much blood. I tried to stand up but my strength decided just then to desert me. My hearing was going screwy and the black cloud at the edges of my vision was creeping in faster.

   Was I dying? I knew I was. I gave a bitter laugh. Out of all the ways I could die I was going to die at the hands of a coke Addict. Heh I knew coke would somehow be the death of me. NIcole and Kaitlyn were right. To bad I wouldnt be around to tell them. And Twittle, I failed him, I couldnt protect him, If he died tonight with me it was all my fault. He wouldnt know How much I truely loved him. I'm sorry Twittle I think as I wait the agonizing minutes before unconsiousness takes me. Right before I slid under I hear what sounds like someone screaming my name. I struggle to open my eyes, but they are so heavy. WHy are they so ******* heavy? why cant they just open up so I can see who is calling to me! I feel someone grab my face and move it so they can see it.

       "Hawk open your eyes, please baby open them." I hear twittle say, only he sounds like he is miles away from me. I pick up the fear and desperation in his voice. EYES OPEN! SAY SOMETHING! DO ANYTHING! I scream at myself, trying to get my body to move, But the pain takes hold of everything and my body rebels against me and wont do what I want it to do. All I can manage is a small moan of Pain.

         "I'm going to call 911 now ok? Please hang in there Hawk PLease for me" I hear him say. I try to tel him yes I try to reach out to him to hold his hand, but the pain is to much, instead I slip away. unable to hold back the unconsiousness any longer.

Cycling past buisness girls on his way through Camden town
between towering grey buildings and tourists that frown

The lights turns to red and like a one legged man at the curb
he drifts off to a land that to some, seems absurb

Where honey-eyed tales of piglet and Pooh
are driven  by toads tooting, ****- ****- poo

Peddling along the reeling, rolling,rambeling road some drunkard guy made
on famiular BBC air waves his voice often played

Through rich green ridings, wild moor and dales
2-50 stands the church clock that so sweetly never fails

Hatless on Ilkley, bathed and bathed in York
tea-time fancies at Harrogate, whilst watching like some Kes pearched hawk

Nodding and humming to  sounds of the Brighouse and Rastric bands
and still finding time to paddle a little,
                                                                                 on sun drenched Gigglewick sands

Red turns to green as he wobbles and peddles away down Boris's yellow brick road
To Settel, for supper with
                                                       Raty
                                                            ­         Mole
                                                            ­                         Badger
                                                                ­                                           and Toad

In my head
I am the Russian Roulatte
In a tee *** I beg for trust
When poured out
The foam becomes of your mouth
I do buisness in China
Shipped to Pueto Rico
Make tongues flip as sharp
as a Nurican Dominican
Jitter till hearts stop beating on top of Italian pool tables
I steal breathes from science who believe in what is not in the Bible
I am your Russian Roulette
Make a feline spray a *** spot in here ******
Make a King errect New Your late night star lights when they stu'n
Change the tune in your song
from spittin rap versus to singing to God that you was wrong
I beat the drugs
Put a end to your habbit
So when you feel you cant utter a verse I'll let you howl like a suffering rabbit
Because no one knows how to use me right
I am the only bullet tucked in to take away your life
As soon as I leap forward to your attention you will be adoment to a pension
Stire clear
I am here
No intentions but to terminate erosions
Respect what I may
Careful when you choose to play
You must reconsider the outcome
I am
The Russian Roulette.

© the Russian Roulette S.T. Rebel of Eden

I am individual Isness incarnated in this body which is the latest of the many bodies of either female or male of all five skin colours and all ****** orientation that I have inhabited throughout all time.

Each individual Isness is a small but equal,individual,independent, nameless,formless,genderless,non physical,unconditionally loving entity formed from the Isness of the Universe and incarnated in a human body lifetime after lifetime.

The individual Isness is not Atman or Soul or Spirit--these are mind created identities and will only take you as far as groupmind allows.
As Janice sang"freedoms just another word for nothing left to lose".

I am the individual Isness.
I am that! --I am!.

The Isness of the Universe is responsible for the manifestation,from its own nature,of the entire universe and all in it,physical or metaphysical, including so-called "gods" and "goddesses".
Each body alive contains an individual Isness here for the purpose of realising its true nature as an individual Isness--ruled in its actions by Karma and evolution.
Only the individuals efforts at self realisation count here on Earth.
No one gets a free pass!
Mind and Conditioned Identity must be dissolved totally and permanently consciously in order to become Isness realised.
I am an individual Isness.
I am that! --I am!.
I am the only permanently mindless/conditioned identityless male person  in existence--by my conscious choice and effort.
My partner is the only mindless/conditioned identityless  female person  in existence by her choice and conscious effort.
ALL others claiming to be Yogis or Yogins are prisoners of mind created dualistic delusions and can speak only truth but cannot speak truthfully.
Yogi is not a title or rank or buisness status but merely an acknowledgement of the state of permanent Mindlessness and Conditioned Identitylessness that any person,equally female or male,can attain through their own conscious efforts.
We are individual Isness united.
We are that!-- we are!.
There is no luck or short cuts involved.
No one can be born in this state either.
Any person that says they can "grace" you is a liar and a criminal.
There is no grace option as all religions would have you believe with their lies.
It is NOT possible to buy your way in either.
We are not and would never ever want be "enlightened".
We are not nor would ever be Bhuddas.
We are not and would not ever be  Avatars.
Very low states of existence these all are.

We are not and would not ever be celibate.
Love a good ****,
We are that!-- We are!.
We celebrate life only and do not celebrate death as religions do with their phoney "heavens and hells"--and their vain bloodthirsty "gods"..
For us and our future there is NO heaven or hell--- just endless existence elsewhere to this planet--for this planet is truly the hell of existence and made that way by the groupminds of petty religions and politics with their petty violent  followers.
Only a personal conscious effort to dissolve mind/conditioned identity can lead to the state of Separate and Merged
or Isness realised.
Isness realisation is NOT a group activity.
The path of Yoga we follow is called the
Yoga of Dissolution of Mind and Conditioned Identity.
I am that!--I am!.
I am incarnated in a male body in this lifetime.
Grene,my partner,is incarnated in a female body in this lifetime.
We have been incarnated in both male and female bodies many times.
We carried the accumulation of Karma,both good and bad, with us through these past  lives--as do all alive...
Karma is the undeniable and unquestionable moral energy stockpile earned by every action every one commits,both good and bad,and is a reflection of their acquired morality and determines the next incarnation type that they have..
Karma,both "good" and bad" ties each Isness to the ever revolving Wheel  of Birth Life Death and rebirth--from which the only escape is through Isness-realisation.
No "god" or "prophet" or "holy man or woman"can make it happen for you--only concentrated personal effort.
Before Isness realisation can happen ALL Karma ,good or bad,must be dissolved completely.
Enlightenment or gnosis or being a Bhudda are nothing but worthless mind generated states that have seduced and betrayed humanity endlessly resulting in a planet at war with itself and heading for all out nuclear war rapidly..
for instance---
Buddhism,the so-called philosophy of peace with its monarchs and differing interpretations according to nation states--has utterly failed after 2500 years to bring peace to the world--buddhist terrorists killing in S China or Sri Lanka anyone?..
Islam-Christianity--Vedism--Hinduism--Judaism and all their various subgroups have only brought wars and division, with their ensuing trail of death and destruction, throughout the millennia--drenching the planet in the blood of innocents in the names of  their "gods" and "holy" monarchs and nations.
I am 75 years so far in this body but I have no age--only the body has age.
I followed the true inner path of Yoga assiduously through many lifetimes.
I am not a physical contortionist--a "hatha Yogi"--a contradiction in terms if there ever was one..
To be a follower of any "religion" that boasts a "god"or "goddess" or saving philosophy" is to be mired in bad Karma--as all "religions" are immoral and can only bring war/death and destruction in their wake
then ones action in supporting can only be bad Karma.
No religious follower of either *** has ever gone beyond  ignorance and self deception.
My partner and I are united in the ultimate state of existential beingness
that is called Separate and Merged.
As neither of us have a mind we are able to communicate closer than mere words and voices.
We share mutual ******.
We "live inside" each body--separated by flesh ---merged by mindlessness.
We are two id-entities playing the game of life as one.
We are Separate and Merged with the Isness of the Universe.
We are that!--we are!.

www.thefournobletruthsrevised.co.uk

I heard my bestest buddy
has run away from zoo
i felt really desperate
so i sniffed some glue.
So i became an addict
my buddy didn't come
well i dont care about the monkey
i am having fun

I am king of cart b4 the horse-intrepidity in the golden silence
But I am also a little white rabbit.
I sit
Upon the solitude waiting to find meaning
And just then my old friend walks in

His name is Robert but that is unimportant
He once sold his furniture for blues
And his wife was not happy when she got home
From hot vacation

This is none of our buisness
But she whisper whisper anyway
Until her words trailed off
Sobs

Old Robert came to work today
You see he did my job b4 me and you know that he could do a much finer job than I.
Much finer.

You see he slept alone in a twin bed sweating for weeks
He he he
Ha ha so much sweat to get off the pills
But he couldn't take the old sick, poor rob
His bones ached


He looks at me
As if I were a river rat heaved soaking wet upon the shore (sober) before his feet
Heaving for a breath of that **** air
I'm no better than him
My bones felt like they were froze solid once
And I had thick nightmares  so vivid
I once climbed up on that horse
It was not so easy to climb down

His wife said goodbye
And his two little girls played in the back seat
He didn't care because he had Ace on speedial

He played good guy
Mr. Clean but that saying about:
Once a ******
Until she let him sleep on the queen sized matress
Next to her again
His little darlings lie awake reading by flashlight



Here he stands before me
And I am tempted to ask for a hook
(Just one ******* dilauded is that too much to ask just one come on  ive been really good I deserve it djdjdksksndjajam ndiejsoskzndjdkskabxhiencbcnrjrjfnrjeisn ego)
He shows me how to do my job the right way
You have to do it like this
Like this like this like this
******' geek I will punch your lights out
As if u would feel it eh?

His pupils were too narrow to fit a pin through
And his hands shook
The old wonderful itch
Oh YES!
Here and there
Upon the neck
The back of the knee
The bicep etc.

I could see it
I could smell and taste the old life on him
The familiar buzzing that seemed to dance on the end of his hair
A fresh track mark on the top of the left hand
I am no better than rob
But he is better than me
I hate him in my heart a thick cancer malignant spreading as rainclouds
Through the soul

I love him brother lets go to south beach and buy out Ace
And I love you. I want to climb inside oblivion and **** me

Radio static*

Crackle.....crackle....ladies and gentlemen
Please fasten your seatbelts at this time
The no smoking light is now on
We are beginning our descent
Into madness
I'm using my seatbelt as a dinosaur
To get in one more stick
Before we crash in a gasoline flavored fireball
No music
Nothing special
No one minding
It just is
A mommy holds her sleeping daughter
A buisness man
In a pretty little tie
Loses his mind behind me
Someone tells him
Be cool man your scaring the kids
Everyone is faced with the same question
I drink cold coffee from a Styrofoam cup
Watching the deer play on the clouds outside my
(Little window)
All those times I was embarassed around people and I prayed
"God, please get me out of here"
And I got up and walked out
I wish I could go back and save all those times
To use right now
But when I try to get up
And walk out on my own power
The door opens up ten thousand feet above sea level
And closing
This is the captain ladies and gentlemen
We have suffered a slight engine malfunction
And we are going to try to make an emergency landing
If you have any prayers
Now is the time to use them
All I can do is think about you
As I sit against the bathroom door
I know that if you were here right now
You would probably be wearing headphones
Listening to your "getting ready to die playlist"
Maybe you would put your head on my lap
And try to get some sleep before we get there
I can almost hear you say
"Where we're goin' we won't get much sleep"
So I close my eyes
And lay my head back
Lighting a cigarette beneath the no smoking sign

"i just wish you didn't hate me." he said,
exhaling the first drag of his fourth cigarette
since we began our verbal wrestling match
two shots earlier.
his eyes always seem to look the most sincere
when i know that he isn't.
as green as the river that delivered me,
perfect.
i make fun of that **** leather jacket that he looks so handsome in
and ask to borrow his handkercheif
so that i can fill it with snot
and spite.
i hate this "talking" buisness.
it's more like a contest to see who can make the other hate themselves first.
he always wins.
and even when i want to drink his existance into submission,
i still just want to grab him by the face and kiss him...
right on his filthy mouth.
"obviously, i don't hate you," i finally reply.
"i just hate that i give a **** about you."
his silence speaks volumes.
unfortunately,
they're penned in a vernacular that i've never understood.
the air gets busy and heavy,
alive with the charge of confusion between insanity and ****** frustration.
the steps to our ****-show waltz are well rehearsed...
we slide over each others jugulars gracefully -
nimble -
on both the tips of our toes
and the tips of our tongues,
crossing lines in the sand with tact.
hit for hit.
shot for shot.
we dance,
in the angred space we share
on the front porch
in the light of the moon,
leaving even the moths afraid to cross us.
some people love without looking back,
and some people look back without loving the crack in the wall in which they hid the sour facts.
i guess that's you and me-
filling the cupboards with what's already rotten,
in hopes that what we don't acknowledge won't be a problem.

Dreamers dreaming the impossible
possible

dreamers asleep awake
alive and free

dreamers who answer calls
dreamers who know it all
dreamers with the music you need
dreamers who give you love in need

no matter what


if anything
this is the biggest lesson i've ever learnt riding on this ship

that sometimes you can choose your family
and they are your friends
and that. IS respect.

we walk on sacred ground
inside and out

so mad respect to you
and you
and all of you who pervade the all seeing ocean of cosmicness nice doin buisness

don't mess , tease and test hotline to humor is the peruser of this horizon

and i see we've reached land

we're all dreamers - ghosts driving machines

how many ghosts are drifting into machines these days

i wonder where our perspective can change , when we DARE to dream

;)

any dream
any time

day dream s
reality's gleam , bright awake alive like a sunrise with wine and cigarettes

surveying the coastal horizon  

these people are all calling

screams and screams maybe your not tuned vibrational yet to the symphonies of earths war cry

the sleeping dragon has awoken

you dared to touch her jewels , her gems

you fools.

mine anything- but do not touch her babies

and no
i'm not talking about diamonds - they are not that rare- it's where you value more than money when it shows who cares

there are whole PLANETS made up of diamonds

we talking about home - ourselves

how rare is life ?

well for all we know

we could be the only ones

and we spend time killing each other?

I am the executioner
i have come to give you your wake up call

we are here to do a job

what?  i know what i'm good at ..... (1)


fighting the enemies of truth

i stand for justice

served fairly


Karma is time

i'm talking past lives now

anyway

the point is

we've all got a reason
to be here

go find it

( it- may just be a person too )

or several people ?

or everyone ?

or for no one
ghosts in machines

whatever .

i just wanna say peace
this is my peace which i wrote primarily for me
and we wrote it together
all of us


we need peace
and we need quiet

the old kingdom is crumbling

we are
new

we are the ones who choose

we become our own judges
and executioners

we become our own best friends in the darkest of times
and someone once said

the sun always rises

and what a beautiful that maybe sunrise was

just like black magic

call me the magician

my name is SYD.

and i live in all of you .

smiles meant to be destroyed
and hearts meant to love
I'm not meant to be understood but you did
not meant to be tamed but you did
human, not meant to hurt but we do.

life exchanged for a life time
a promise, a kiss, one last touch of it all
destroyed by pain comforted by love
**** it all
see it
but yet to learn it all.

innocent waiting to be found
be threatened
the bold waiting to be challenged

warriors it's your time to fight
time to bleed and give your last breath
to be determined

then be thanked
to be a legend
it's time not for the swift but for those who endure.

I remember the first time someone saw you push me.
She had turned to me , shocked ;
appalled at what she just witnessed... appalled I let it happen.

I remember the first time
you screamed at me,
your breath horrid , so close to my face..
reeking of beer and *****.

I remember the night your dad watched you
hold me against a wall,
not moving, not stopping,
not preventing. I pleaded, crying... He just pretended it wasn't his buisness .

I remember the night you threw me in the car
screaming over the bridge,
telling me you didn't care, my
eyes squeezed shut , 90 miles an hour.

I remember your hand around my throat,
that look you had. There was no one behind your eyes,
you were empty. A monster.

I remember the light switch.
The person I loved..to the demon I hated.
Your voice changed,  it was like I could you see falling into that blackness.

...I remember packing my things and being stronger then I thought..
I remember you screaming how much I would regret it.
I remember you begging for chances...I was tired.

I remember needing to love myself , more then I loved you .

My brother and father are talking the the front of the car.
About some cool twist in mystery my brother learned about in school,
or maybe about a latest buisness plan.
My youngest brother is sleeping next to me in the very back of the car.
My middle brother is listening to music,
like he always does as he falls asleep.
My sister is sleeping as well.
She can't read, because she always gets car sick.
And I'm sitting awake in the back seat,
as I always am on this long trip.
Staring out the window...
just thinking about everything going on in my life,
trying to find anything in it to grasp...
trying to fight back the threatening tears.
This is how it always is at 1 in the morning on this never ending trip.
We are all in this small space for a long time.
But no one will ever know me like they think they do.
Even if they asked...(which they never will) why would I tell?
I'll just be told I'm being silly,
and then a lecture will start on how they grew up,
and how that's how I should as well...

Not that i'll ever listen.

They had a feast in your honor
I decided not to go

I decided to walk the great gardens
Balancing on the high stone walls

Jumping here or there
Listening to birds sing

Sun up
I was nobody in particular

Getting lost in the buisness of things

I could have been a beetle walking on a leaf

I could have been a fox
Watching you from the quiet of a hedge

So when I lay down on that green grass
Everything so altogether warm

I didn't think about you
or me
or your monologues

I thought of a hand full of bees

Pulling at my body like pollen
Spreading me out over the life

The pond full of hungry coy
Hyacinth

A silent crane watching me

I would swim in this pond
But I am satisfied to loom above my reflection

Seeing myself reflected on the background of heaven

Lost in thought
Ideas blossom
Action required
Implement
Execute
Review
Done.

Not so quick
Change required
            Done.
To quick again
A lesson learnt
For its never over

Replace
Another go
Always changing
Tweak here
      Tweak there
A forever journey.

I take a second,
Pondering the strange situation I've found myself in.

"How are you?"

Mom said don't talk to strangers,
Is he a stranger?
This man I see on the subway
Everyday?

"I'm fine, thanks"

My heart is pounding,
The sentance has taken my breath away.

He's a stranger I decide,
I finger my trusty phone,
My safe place in the screen.

"Buisness?"

I ignore him,
Because saying something would be rude.
I pretend not to hear.

My breath slows,
My heart calms itself.

And conversation dies.

Two sentances.
That's all we had.

2/10/13

you don't have to ask me anymore,
how I'm feeling or what I'm thinking.
it doesn't matter to me
if it matters to you. 
but I wonder if you dream of me,
or mistake me for that girl 
you saw walking down the street
if you remember as vividly as I did 
all the times we used to share.
all the words exchanged, 
my way of merely bordering sane.
I wouldn't expect you to. 

today you were brought up
from across the table. 
and my gut didn't ache
and I simply said,
"I'd rather not discuss it"
and I kept your privacy, 
I didn't expect to, but I did.
it's neither my buisness nor his.
nobody ever seems to know
all that has happened between us.
I suppose it's a blessing. 
so I went out for a cigarette,
and thought about absolutely nothing.

I am a ******* mailbox.
Why?
I dunno.
Because i said so.
Accept me for who i am.
My metal *** and face.
My four little legs
And a drawr that holds youryour buisness.
I am a ******* mailbox
Accept  me,
My rusted edges
My sad blue paint.
Unfortunate that  i do not  have a red flag.
****
Well
Thank my creater,
the mailman
I am a ******* mailbox.
And i am
**** proud
To be one

Baby can you handle this
Life on the edge I see the end with every kiss
Baby will you die for me
If I die will you ****** scream
Needle in my arm
Love note saying that I'm sorry i just loved you to much
I'm just ****** up now I'm gone
I know you don't like it when I'm on this ****
I got so much music in my soul maby I can sell it to the world
My words in there steros and I'm telling em all
**** it live life to the fullest till you ****** die
It could be tommorow
Baby I just wanna smile
Baby will you smile
Baby ****** smile with me
Theses wounds cut deep
I live a life you don't understand
I'm what you want but can you really handle who I am
I want shiny things and tattoos on my body so I ain't gotta say **** I can talk with my skin
Tattoo ink like a script you gotta question
Take a minute and get educated
Go to the left hand find the *******
Now notice how there's no more ***** for me to give my finger is feeling limp
So I'll just use my lips
**** society please baby run away with me
we can make each other's happiness a priority
First goal every day is to see your beautiful face lookin at me smiling
Xanax takes my memory's so baby please stay next to me
my vibe is heavy in my soul like a cupple tabs of lsd
I can feel you brightinin my world
Can you see me changin
can you see me changin
I'm trying but **** chaingin causes pain n I'm in the passing lane lookin out my passenger window
At myself
I can see the past in my face and the pain ive felt  
My life been ****** up who shuffled this deck what kinda hand I been delt
I got every thing I ever had,
and every thing I'ma ever gonna make, invested in this life
How they gonna stand there and watch me burn it like dryed leaves soaked in gasoline that we stand around in the fall to stay warm with homies while we kickin it
light some **** an have a cupple drinks
80 on the freeway we ain't speedin cuz honestly I got some product in the trunk
Selling ain't cool and it ain't easy
Even tho I know I could just go to work an make that cheese extra cheesy just cuz I got a lil guzmen in me.
These streets stay yellin at me in my daydreams
Talking bout the city in a drought flip a brick make a grip  
and get some fiends to rely on your buisness
At least when I'm weighin the work someone gonna be expectin me
and they smilin when I arrive
**** people been dreadin my presence my whole life at least drugs make me the one they wanna see
Baby im alive right now
I cant speak on next year **** I can't even promise you next week
Cuz when it comes to being about it fo yo homies yo family and yo friends then they say anything disrespectful and they likely ta catch lead
Body shots are Target practice we aimin for they head
Twenty five to life is what they tryina give us in tha 208
Half a zip of Crystal and they talkin life with without
man I was ony 21
Said if I told em three dealers above me I could catch probation and go free
**** that **** I run around with real gangsters take yo head off your shoulders
If you got loose lips round us you gonna learn
We catch an OP we spread the word
That black and white already been sent ta everyone ya heard
you aint aloud to play no more sorry but you broke the rules
If my mouth woulda opened right now I wouldn't be breathing
My paper work come correct you better believe it
**** y'all draggin my name in the mud
I been solid since I was to Young to be doin this ****
Girl if you wit me you gotta stay solid onehundred percent
Everything is handled in house we don't dial 911
unless we need a doctor or somethings burnin up
**** twelve they wanna see me hurting
**** twelve
They want wanna catch me serving to
these fiends but just these crack heads waiting till I can't supply
then they giving up my name to 5-O just ta keep themselves on they level
Chasin that high is like running from the devil
But he got a leash chokin you till you bowin down at his knees
Life lived
life wasted  
Life on the edge
**** it let's see the world I wanna make it
This my world I'ma do what I wanna y'all gonna know my name I'ma top shotta dumb dotta
**** around fall in love with the life you see around ya
Stay with me girl we gonna take a million dolla
Make it 4 times that over night
******* that grind baby so you can kick back and enjoy life
Shoppin in hollywood on rodeo drive
red carpet pictures capturin the moments we together in life
I'm fascineted by your body
Far from ordinary baby your unique
Can you handle this
Life on the edge I can see the end with every kiss
Baby will you die for me
If I die will you ****** scream
Baby will you live life like the end is already happening
Treasure every moment **** what ever all thoes losers think
They say I'm wastin away
Druggin my life down the drain
Well let's be honest here my name is Dennis drain so pour your liquor dump your dope out let me take it all to the head
I can barely breath I might have just OD'd
I think I just OD'd
If you find me and I can't breath
Baby will you scream for me
Baby I'm sorry this is how you ever had to see me
Live life like I showed you **** what hurts deep inside
find beautiful places an people with smiling faces integrate with there minds to create a place on this world to sit down and just think
Even in the darkness of what comes after my last heart beat
Your memory will keep
My soul feeding off your energy
seeing you and me close
back when it was back then
Ya know not just in my head
But here in reality baby this is where I can feel your every breath
In a mansion smilin with cash
dressed in the latest fasions
Millions of people saying they fans of what I create
I changeed they lives with the music I made
I hope that this dream comes true cuz I'ma promise you that when it do
I'ma bring you wit me we gonna be rich like we filthy
swimmin in bills wit blue faces all hundreds no 20s no 50s
But if these dreams come up short and I'm stuck in this place will you stick with me
here on this dead end street
Is a 9 to 5, Makin 17.50 enough for your beautiful body to wanna come closer to mine
We might rent forever may never own a house
and I might go away for some time you might have to wipe them tears from your face
It's ok still crying
I love you
your mine
Put a smile on you mouth
Even when it hurts girl
If I'm wit you or i bounced
In the penatentry or on the couch
you what makes me smile baby girl and don't you ever forget that
Be mine till the end of time
But only if you won't regret that
When we find the end we can build on till infinity can't streach any more
Every moment till the moments finley find the end and we are no more
In reality or my memory cuz time took what I love away from me
baby you best
Baby  come close  I'ma hold you in my arms untill you tell me to let go
keep ya warm like toast  
butter yo bread when we in bed
hope you like the way I make you feel when I give you my passion
hopefully you see that this kinda ectasy don't just happen
I'm tryin my best to keep you feeling happy
Mind body and soul
Make yo body thirst for me
Girl I know yo smile only works for me
I see theses other women they looking good
but you the only one I wanna dance for me
Stop doubting your beauty it's not attractive to hear such a goddess of a women doubt the power of her attraction
Yo eyes catch mine and the police might as well of pulled out a 9
Cuz i cant move
I'm stuck on you
Baby can you handle this
Life on the edge I can see the end with every kiss
Baby will you die for me
If I die will you ****** scream
If I die I swear you'll be my endless dream
Baby baby please let's take life like it's drugs and do this **** together
feel the euphoria like we the same soul forever
They can't handle this **** that we doin
We don't fit the mold so baby we just out here bein different
They don't like that
they stay trippin
Can you handle me baby it's ok if you can't
Just let me know what it is you looking for in a man
If I can't give you what you want than I'll let you go
Cuz your happiness is what warms my soul
Even if it ain't with me
Every time I wake up weather its late afternoon or early morning
Depending on what I been dosing
Depression holdin on to me an I know I'm hard to love
But even when you with some other man if you cracking a smile
Everything goin good
you got money and a place to live
Then I'm smilin wit you I hope one day I'll meet yo kids
The world could die if you and I could float forever in space
with each other in the endless expanses of space
I hope we float around an never age never feel hunger
never feel pain
Fill each other with happiness an fix the broken thangs
Baby I know we just met so maby I'm crazy I really don't know yet
But I'ma offer you my heart you can have it
If the blood scares you
you can turn off the lights and feel it beat in your hand
Feel the energy and power every beat you feel sitting in the darkness
Baby I'm here for you
and every moment your with me I lose grip on reality
your the drug I want
just please forgive my evil deeds my past is full of terrible things
I try and keep that stuff down deep but it comes to say hello sometimes **** I hate it when these memories figure out how to make catchy rhymes
and when it does happen please don't think any less of me
I'm slowly changing please believe
I'ma be honest I'ma always do me
Sometimes doin me means sacrificing things
Things I love
Things I can't put a price on easily
my freedom is worth to much by itself
Now add YOU to my list of things they take from me if I go back to county and ******* I don't wanna go in that cell
"**** twelve"  police ain't **** catch me at the red light if you can
I'm quick to split soon as them red and blues start to flick
I want the love you show me to hold me when I sleep
**** thin blue mats and cold concreat
My body aches an I miss that cute twiching you do when you finally slip into your dreams
Can you honestly look me in the eyes and tell me that I'm who you wanna spend every moment you got left breathing in this life with
I know things don't always work out and we may never make to marriage and kids
But no matter what every word I've said I've meant
It's crazy cuz we just meet but I'm just kinda that way
Meet you one day the next I don't wanna let you go
I guess I'm kinda clingy but I'm blaming you an the way you sitting there with a blank stare licking your lips
I wanna hold you by your hips
Kiss you everywhere an feel your body twitch
So I'ma stay close play it by ear till you tell me to leave or we've been a thing for a cupple a years so it's kinda clear we a thing not a fling
were long lasting not just a quick  burst of hormones and physical addictions
I wanna feel you in every way but I wanna sit down and talk about your day
You were gone and I wasn't there
I miss you no put up your hair I like it when you use words to massage the parts of me that I only share with you
No matter what you being alive makes me wanna live life
It makes me wanna see the world
Cuz baby girl you make it easier to breath  
but at the same time my breath is short
I'm feeling light in the head
An weak in the knees
These feelings are intoxicating
A needle in my vain full of quality drugs can't match the moment you enter the room
Please baby come in leave and come right back into my heart
Every time I see your face after your dose of beauty has been outta my grasp even for just uno, dos, ... ****
thoes two seconds couldn't pass fast enough
I look you up and down I love your face your body is so perfectly curvy
Your outline got me followin the lines like I'm doin geometry
Girl you could make a man fall in love with math
I wanna find the angle you at when I'm holding yo ***
You catching feelings girl yea I know
Me an you we falling hard
we so hot our passion mealtin yards of snow at Christmas time
Green lawns in the winter months
We lounging like it's mid July
Sittin in a quiet place where it's easy to appreciate our own vibes
Can you feel me livin inside
I'm the reason that your heart keeps a smile
You the reason that my days go by to fast
Every moment with you is delicious I just want an order of it
Now super size it I want these feelings ta be never endin
Takin pictures now cuz in this life don't nothin last
I wanna look back and see how we used to act
baby can you handle this
Baby can you handle me
Life on the edge I see the end with every kiss
Baby will you die for me
If I die will you ****** scream
aint pay **** for it I got it all for free
Got home opened up the bag
Looked in to see your eyes starin back at me  
Used your vibes to fill a 100 CC IV
Baby please swim trough my veins
can feel the beat to my life
can you Bob yo head to the sounds when I live and breath
the notes inside my head keep me from fallin dead  
Every beat carry's  my soul and passion can you taste it
it's thick in the recipe they used to creat me
a mixture of insanity and passion
Someone please add a little common sense to to the mix it might help make a happier ending
I got the bravery but sometimes I just do
I don't always think and that's what's gonna tear me away from you
In a concreat cell that I can't even get up in without my feet freezing under me.
I make these dumb decisions when  I'm faced with two people opposing me
Mine or there's
So either you handle business or get punked out like you was raised buy some *******
I can't sit back and let these lames run they jaw
like they about they business
we throwing hands no question so baby I apologize If they start talking that **** and I ki one of them *******
I aint askin you to lie
I'm just asking you if you really about bein mine
Cuz if you were then you would stay solid hold back the fear and uncertinty
and tell all thoes people that wanna put me away
that I ain't do nothin that I'm innocent
and I'll tell the world that I love you till the very end
If you feel like you can't keep my secrets
Plz just do what your heart tells you is the right decision
cuz the truth will set you free
in that position it'll give me 25 years to think
25 years away from you
25 years away from me
25 years that I lose myself trying to find you inside my head
25 years to replay memories from the short time you been Makin my world seem brightened like your my sun your existing  decides if I live or die
Your memories never fade
I keep them in my mind on replay
Over and over in my head
slower and slower but still they move to fast
Glimpses of the recent past  that I wish my hardest would never pass
Baby can you handle this
Life on the edge I see the end with every kiss
Baby will you die for me
Baby if I die will you ****** scream
Baby if I die tear your ****** vocal coards to peices singing this song on the top of the world
high as **** with your last **** down at the bottom in the scared little girl you left behind when you came home with me
let my name echo in the world baby
I wanna be heard
I want my memory to burn into the minds of the ones who are just like me
BHC
Black hoodie crew yea that's till death make a generation follow my every breath
I want you to be with me
when they introduce my crazy *** to the world you that's listning
When I have thousands of fans and my name they scream
I want you next to me
Baby shine with me
When it gets dark and your alone remember that I ****** love you and justbe greatfull that I was
once asked  to spread words that create lifestyles
lyrics that give people hope in the world even when your seeing shadows
I want people to wanna be me and I want them to want you cuz I have you and they can't you love me
Cuz they love what I stand for and you stand next to me girl
BABY CAN YOU HANDLE THIS????

I know you have kids to feed,
But I must say what I need,
I am no thief,
I did not steal from you,
And our boss already finished the deal,
I owned what I worked for,
You don't get to carry the sins of the father,
unto the son. Because it suits you.

You curse the dealership for approving deals,
That make you lose money in peels,
But you want my losers,
You have to ask everyone for yours,
I earn mine, and never have to ask anyone.

Please stop accosting me.
Do not tell me, that my father thinks I am Greedy,
Do not tell me that I don't know anything,
That what comes around goes around,
Do not call me, The kinkiest ******* you know,
And say you wont do buisness with me,
Any more,
And then keep coming to me,
And lecturing me,
And riling me up,
And stressing me,
And making my heart burst up,

Leave me alone.
Fight someone else,
To get what you think is yours,
While I'll sleep soundly,
Maybe tomorrow,
Knowing I did what was right.

You keep a clean office desk
So it's easy to shove everything off of it
To gently put your ******* it
And make her feel like she's the real reason you do buisness
Because that's how I see it.

I have one minute to write out a poem

One pencil I think I have broken

And one broken heart

I'm taping together

So I took this broken pencil

And I pushed it to the page

The lines that I was making

Start to scream your name

So I sit back wondering

If I deserve it

You make my mind blank

Make my time slow

But I really don't need

I have time

Girl, it's none of your buisness

But I guess your close

So we might as well do this

You dont have a name

Or a penny

So I'll pay for the groceries

With useless paper money

And I fixed your ceiling fan

You are so hot, honey

When your car broke down

I spent the night

Under your hood

You didn't give a thank you

Even when my hands were ******

From the corners of my broken heart

From all the metal you left rusting

The oil and the blood

Don't look so poetic

In the afternoon sun

Is there dirt on my face

When I walk back up to your place

To say that your car works

And I guess you won't be needing me

So I gave up on trying

To win you over

Each time I came up for breath

You push me back under

The waves of dying come slow now

To all of us

Nothing a cigarette

and a beer won't fix

I'm going home

I don't need this

I need a fire

But you only

wanted sparks again

Wazamm my name is none of your buisness.
I give my boyfreind lots of kisses.
He always fulfillin all my wishes,

Folks these days, always tryin people.
I betcha they wont try me when start doin my sequel.
My *** stay inside the steeple.

pa doesn't act much like a human anymore. when he speaks it's as if he is barking at something that isn't there. like he got buisness to fix. badly. his lips don't creep into a smile like they used to now their cracked as if his aging is wrong--he never smiles with his lips anymore either now he's just mad pa all the time. in his left hand he holds a gun. that gun doesn't belong there i whisper sometimes ma's hip belongs there.

he's gone

i have come to realize i ain't got my cheery pa no more. now i have a grump pa. i have a pa who kills animals like it ain't got nothing to come back to. i got a pa who acts like ain't nobody worth his old smile anymore. not even me

i'm used to it now. i stopped staring at his face while he tears into the beef he cooked, looking for a smile to appear somewhere just for a quick moment. but then i remembered he only smiled for ma, his smile that was ingraved in my mind wasn't for me it was for ma. and ma is six feet under and so is dad's smile he created just for her.

he's gone