Have you ever wanted someone to beg for you?
To push against you and plead to feel you ?
To tell you how theyve ached for you .. All... Day ..long.
I need that .
Begging and baring teeth ,
Crazed without my fingertips.
I want him pacing , anxiously awaiting my return, where i can remind him again why im worth waiting for .
I want him up all night counting and recounting the 100 different ways i drive him crazy , a constant game of teasing and rewards.
I want my name to give him goosebumps, closing his eyes and hearing how it sounds rolling off his tongue.....
I want him crazy about me .

Laying in an ice cold room,
IV in my hand,
I close my eyes and plead with god
Trying to understand .

" im sorry we cant save it ,
But theres a chance that you could die;
I know your in a lot of pain
And Its ok to cry ".

I feel my husband squeeze my arm,
Im trembling in fright  ,
Im sad and im defeated
And I dont have that much fight .

" Your bleeding into your belly
We need to operate right now ,
Continue to be strong for us "...
.....But i just dont know how.

A foggy conversation ,
And their whisking me away ,
My eyelids get real heavy
And i just start to pray.

Waking up to quiet ,
Im tired and im sore ,
Depressed without a baby
On the maternity floor.

God must have a plan for me
That i just can not see ;
Even through our struggles
Whats meant to be ...
Will be .

I stood in our closet
For what felt like 100 years
Talking myself out of staying
And holding back my tears.

I couldnt form a single thought;
Felt like part of me had died,
I was the one who gave and gave
The only one who had tried.

Shaking hands , hollow heart,
And nothing left to say.
Pack our memories in a box
And ill be on my way.

Anger and sadness fill my heart
And now im just feeling lost ,
Love can be a dangerous thing
And my heart is the cost .

I fell in love with the way your demons slow danced with mine , twirling around the floor so gracefully i forgot i was flawed.

Its been years since your fingertips
Have lived on my skin.
Months and days since my taste
Has been on your tongue.
It feels like a lifetime since ive woken up
To your smiling face , or fallen asleep to you
Whispering quietly in the dark.

Why does it feel then, like only yesturday that i lost you?
I swear time has slowed to a crawl since that day,
I watched your mom cry as we both said our goodbyes to you, grasping each other ,
Clinging to the only person who loved you as much as I did.

I had packed your things away ,
And as hard as i tried ; the smell of you
And your clothes wouldnt leave our closet .
For a while i masked it as much as possible ,
Till standing breathing you in brought
Me comfort.

I went to visit you today , it bothered me
To see Your life narrowed simply down to
Chiseled cursive in stone reading
"A beloved son and brother " .

It made me want to tell everyone who you were
About the things you did that mattered;
The time i knew you ,
The dash between the dates .


And on the first warm day ; every spring ,ill feel you;  with brand new flowers budding ,
I have peace of mind knowing
There is always a new start , even after the harshest of winters.

..And in the dark cathedral you call your soul, your broken pieces have formed the most beautiful stained glass windows, i cant help but want to peer inside ...

Tiptoeing down the hallway
Praying my parents wouldnt wake
Sneaking out the back gate
To meet you by the lake.

Its become tradition
To grace this spot at night;
And down behind the cattail bog
We can disapear from sight.

Crickets hum and whisper
The lightening bugs aglow ,
They dance and flit about us,
Putting on a show.

Summer heat , a giant moon
and only you and i ,
On a blanket making love
Beneath the twilight sky.