7/16/2021

If I could speak to you
I’d tell you how special you are
I’d tell you that what makes you cool
Is that I can see the love of Jesus shining

If I could give you counsel
I’d tell you how valuable you are
I’d tell you how infinitely important it is
To wait patiently on God’s will for your life

If I could ask you a question
I’d want an answer from your heart
What is your pressing passion, I’d ask
What drives you, what things do you love?

If I could watch you
I’d want to see you smile
I’d want you to be safe and happy
I’d want to watch you live your dreams

If I weren’t so self-conscious
I’d be confident and encouraging
I’d want to be intentional and inviting
I’d want to be the person I’m meant to be

They say I’m disconnected
that I’m withdrawn
that I wander off a lot
Aloof—someone who doesn’t conform

but what’s wrong with that?

why should I act
as if I am the same with others
when I’m trying to be myself---

---myself, who likes to think a lot
myself who sometimes doesn’t want to talk a lot
myself, who I am still trying to find
myself, who I am trying to build

what’s wrong with that?

and I can feel what I want to feel
I can be happy
I can be miserable at a certain time i need to be
I can be confident
I can be assured


I can shut down
and get away
when I feel like everybody
is draining the hell out of me

I’m just human
A person of my own
I have my individuality
ain't even stepping on anyone’s boundary

if I am like this,
what is wrong with that?


- c.s. (120319)

without the burden of expectation,
i flourish the way i’ve always wanted.
i have planted a seed of loving myself
and doing it so ******* fiercely
that it can’t be denied, and it blooms.
regret, fear, and uncertainty have burned
away and their ashes nurture this new soil.
i will tend this garden in myself
and speak crystal clear and loudly proclaim
that i am worth loving and i do it boldly.

I seem to be at home on the margins
where I can be alone
with my folly
sweltering in my private bowl of stew
simmering in the sins
surrounding and piercing me
but you found me there
invited me into your heart
where you loved me
redeemed me
sewed my seams
pulled together my crazy quilt
made separate parts into a whole.

Caught up in the sweet talk
Sugar and lemons
Coated with walls
Beneath was a clamber
Tussle of heart and the mind
Could say it out loud
But save it in the void
Honeyed and spiced.
Would it be mellisonant enough to be poised?

Please, follow me
off The Grid.
I’ve had no lasting verity
since I came here.

I’m getting
so overwhelmed.
They don’t see me through
the smoke and mirrors.

Everything is
quick as a whip,
and I can’t look at you
properly here.

I want you in
tunnel vision.
I want to feel love
for the first time.

You can clearly see out
you can speak, even raise your voice
you think you're being clear, emphatic,
maybe even a bit loud
but actually,
no one hears or sees you
No-ones’ even noticed
you're on the other side of the glass

The curtain,
the veil, the barrier, the obstruction
whatever you want to call it
that distance between you and the rest of the world
the no-mans land between borders
the space in time between receipt of input
and your output
where all the frantic calculations are made
where all the possibilities and ramifications are considered
before blurting out something misjudged
more thought doesn't always lead to a better outcome
you can overdo it

Silence
O' which seals from me
The torment of thy thoughts –
Thoughts not meant to enter me
But sensed in mists of spheres.

In solitude
I'm dwelling hence
For'a hermit doth not lure the cold –
The thrusting cold o'that which
Is plaguing the foresaken.

Solitude, then to me
Is to radiate that ease –
That ease swaning circular and gracefully
on the calms of the Hydriads' waters.

alone at last
a blessing it is
to remove my masks
in solitary bliss
no more acting
and trying to please
just me myself and
my mind at ease