When I was younger I used
to think
I'd be the cheerleader
all the boys want
I used to think of
being the popular girl
with a perfect family
and no doubts about life
I used to think that
kids like me
were weird

Now I sit here
and think about life
But now I don't see much
of a future
My veins are hurting
I want to see their blood
but I don't
because I don't want to see the therapist
my father threatened me with
If you really look
the scars are still there
waitin to be broken open

Now I'm thinking
of the food I just ate
And it's lingering in the back of my throat
while I'm debating if it should come back up

Now I look in the mirror
at myself
with pity
I feel sorry for the girl
from what seems long ago
who though she would have
the perfect life
Without all these thoughts
and pain

I breathe in,
I breathe out,

sunlight comes in through the window and graces this
single particle of dust when it twirls the universe around;
like us when we dance

- it all comes into focus

Mommy said if he's mean it's because he likes you.
She said boys are backwards and upside down.
She said boys are young dumb and fullofcum.
She said close your eyes when you fall so you don't see how much it's going to hurt.

I still have bruises, she said.

I keep old movie stubs in my pockets
Polaroids
Concert tickets
Loose mints
Half pieces of gum
And the fortunes from cookies I ate at my favorite chinese restaurant
The one nestled between a church and a thrift shop
I keep an abundance
Of miscellaneous items
I like the reminders
Remembering
What was important to me at the time
And even though
I keep these things
I am not a hoarder
I am a collector
Of memories
Of moments
Of past that I refuse to let go of
I hold on
Much longer than I should
Fold every sweet second
Into the palm of my hand
And save them for later
Saving the sun for overcast days
Saving light
For nights when the darkness is too much
It is my memories
That keep me alive
But the same ones
Could very well
Be the death of me
I am a collector
Of both things good and bad
I hold on
Much longer than I should
But happiness
Does not have an expiration date
And there is always reason
To reflect
To smile
At a piece of paper
A picture
A note
Something
Anything
That once held significance
People change
Locations change
Life
Changes
But inanimate objects
Stand still even when time does not
I am a collector
And I am attempting to preserve
The fading.

Coffee is Coffee
and Tea is Tea
Burn your lips and think of me