where your heartbeat used to rest, next to mine
i was hoping for you to come back, watching the news with everyone around me,
waiting for the pin to drop,
and it did !

i miss the rivers and the lakes you know,
wish i could reach for the stars always but right now
i just wanna reach for you,
and get drunk on the feeling
of you and your laugh and your soft voice and the way your smile gets pointy when you're truly happy, the way your beauty grins move around your face like living creatures,
the way you say my name
each day again and again
the way you ask for me to come back
anytime i'm the one who leaves.

i can't ask you to fill the hole in my chest
i'll fill it my own ****** self but know that ;
i miss you.

I cant go to sleep
I swear I want to, swear I try, swear I did all the steps right
But you know what

There is only one body in this bed
And it's mine,
And it misses you
And it wishes it did not have to.

When we touch I let myself be held,
let my body rest in your warmth, protected.
I show you the most vulnerable part of me,
the one that is small and quiet, soft.
I let you near
the crevices in my bones
the beating drums in my chest
the wreckage of desires I refuse to see for myself.

But when I hold somebody else,
someone I should love the same,
someone I should want to touch in a more intimate way than I want to touch you,
someone who could be a lover,
the feeling is not the same.
I protect. I witness the pliant animal that is her body, safe in my hands,
but it's not the same.

I miss you,
I imagine your arms instead.

Sometimes i wonder if i exist in someone else's sketchbooks,
a tiny drawing of me living.
My life captured by learning hands

I think about the pictures people hold on their phones or albums,
The ones i didn't realize existed but still have a little moment of who i am

How many spaces have i filled that i simply didn't know about ?
I want to count them all and know, see how much i breathe in others' eyes But

I'm okay with me
I exist for me
I don't need that kind of comfort except for curiosity.

I was writing you words of love, thinking it would be sweet and beautiful
Because that's what love is, isnt it
Took my pen and papers and started inking the pages

But my words were not as kind as I expected
Instead I wrote about
Fearing I would never be enough for you, because when you shine so bright
Surely I can't be anything but dull.

I thanked you for
bearing with me, because I was hard to know
and I thanked you for your patience
in front of my self loathing
and for your will to stay
when clearly I was too much or not enough
both at once.

So I tore down the letter.
Why were these words the only ones that came to me, why does love hide so many
ugly truths
I don't want them to be the only traces left of us

So, someday, I will tell you instead,
and my letter will only be the candid,
the beauty.
And the raw, devastating parts of
loving someone so much it hurts,
I'll hold on to them a little bit longer.

Because I'll grow out of hating myself,
But I wont grow out of loving you.

theres a paper copy of taylor swift stuck on the window, an acab sign in her hands
this is the start,
there's an uber driver on a bike singing like i don't exist

this is the part where im cold

here the water overflows and this street understands my journey
two strangers talking about music and growing up with AC/DC and the Red Hots, parents' music shaping you up,
they understand me too

there's leaves falling, the sounds like bricks on the pavement
i sit down, back turned to the church
i heard there's at least one spider living every two meters
im scared of them, like a child's memory never truly leaving,
but the rain has calmed down, or calmed me down, which is which
i heard that wheather is always partly in the mind
i don't resent drops and winds and lightning anymore
i made them, right ? i'm strong enough for that
if i can create water and angry skies then
why do i fear creating anything else.

and when the world around us stopped spinning
i'm glad you were here with me, holding on.

when our hearts started beating too loud for our bodies to keep on
at least we were two,
and my bed, warm like a hug made it easier
to breathe with you.