Thank you poetry
  my escape
My councious thoughts

I imagine you as a young man
with a meek smile
   but a Large heart
Filled with promise
of justification

I'm
Not surprised
describing my wants
Which contain you

Poetry helps me escape
the idea of you
  I write it on paper
   so the idea becomes real   Real to me

Thanks poetry.
One step closer

I met you, and I saw you
but I didn't really see you.

I see you, and you see me
I'm not used to this feeling.

We've talked, and shared
why haven't you shared it all?

You listen so well, you understand
but I'm so afraid.

These feelings I have, what are they?
I only have them for you.

These feelings I have, what are they?
I only have them for you.

I need you, you make me happy
spend time with me.

I love being with you, but I'm scared
I can't get hurt again.

I don't understand, you said you felt the same
what have I done wrong?

You're perfect, I just can't do it
please you deserve better than me.

I can't take it, I'm leaving
going far away.

Please don't leave, I need to see you
but I'm too scared to tell you.

I love you so much, I miss you already
but you cannot know.

You left, I feel empty
I don't know what to do.

Goodbye. I love you.
I'll always love you.

*Goodbye. I love you.
I'll always love you.

Stopped.
Gone.
Disappeared.
Vanished.
Where art thou?

Because it just stopped.
And it won't restart i promise.

But at least it's stopped and numb,
Rather than beating furiously,
Life pouring out of it from the pain and desire.

My heart.

when I woke this morning
my eyes shot open
and I realized how truly awake I was

a strong desire to fall back asleep
to avoid feelings that have been haunting me

each night my lullaby is a prayer
asking for help
not for me
but for you

it helps me sleep soundly
knowing that God had heard my pleading prayers
because I am helpless in this state

I am ok
I understand that now
that I will be fine
but I worry about you

God separated us so violently
so maliciously
and so carefree

because I needed to truly find myself
to understand my feelings
and my heart

had I never lost you
I would have never found my art
my poetry

it may have driven me into the arms
of a ****** up love with someone else
but now I am so strong

so I pray for you

I pray God is testing you as well
opening up a door you long bolted shut
prying his fingers underneath where I couldn't reach

I wish I could break down this door
but it is a part of you
and I wish to never break you again

I'm sorry for everything
we both know

but I'm not sorry for God's plan
for we can feel it in the room
in our heart's frequencies

I am here
do not be afraid
do not let her make you feel sorry
or helpless
or scared

you told me you do not need anybody
and that includes me
and that is alright

but please get out
I am so afraid for your health
all I want is your divine happiness
and all she is bringing is frustration

I know you still feel it too
in the air
in between our bodies

But you're too afraid to love
I'm much too proud to wait
I'm leaving
you're staying

so we ignore our existences
both growing numb
so this pain will never be felt
again

there is someone that will always be your "hopeful second chance"
the one that got away
broke your heart
without even lifting a finger

these are the people we need to stay away from
because just because it was love didn't mean it was meant to be

just because he gave you a feeling in your chest that felt like the burring of 1,000 suns doesn't mean the two of you should be together

you need to remember how he wasn't there for you
both emotionally and physically

so please don't let a past love that broke you
break you again

let the love you have now flourish your soul
and turn you into the person you've always wanted to be

hold onto the love that makes you feel like you can change the world
love the man that loves you with the burning of 1,000 suns

if  you looked at me as your life

did it ever dawn on you

to treat me better than you treated yourself

because had you really treated me such

i wouldn't be writing poems at 8 am

wide awake with sadness

I'm really mean to my cat sometimes and I don't know why
today as I lay in bed
sweaty with a headache after work
all I wanted was kitty cuddles

I spooned her fluffy-ness and had a flashback to when she was a kitten
and you spooned me
and I spooned her
I awoke in the night terrified thinking I rolled over her
only to find her on one side and you on the other

I had my family
I was so content
with my two loves

you were angry at me for getting a cat
because you were allergic
but again like always you failed to inform me of how you felt and later retaliated against me when I couldn't read your mind
always claiming "I knew"

I'm really mean to my cat sometimes and I know why
when we can't find someone or something to blame we will pick anything to make us feel better
even if subconsciously we have no idea we're doing it

you were allergic to her and it strained our relationship
I blamed a cat I love with all my heart
because I could never understand how you could have flipped into a totally different person
it's not her fault
it's not my fault
it's not the other man's fault
it's not even your fault

losing love hurts especially when it just happens
we may love until we feel our bodies writher from pain from crying
we may love until we are dead

but I will not take the blame anymore
and I wont put it on my cat either

don't blame the rain on the weatherman

no one will be prettier than you and I together
no one will be compatible like you and I together
no one will be in love like you and I were
no one can love like we did
not even us

not right now
not for a long long time

stop looking at me across the way
either I'm no one or I'm the only one

I miss the innocence
and sincerity
of knowing nothing
about
someone

they are anything you view them
or want them
to be
for just an instance

they are mysterious
beautiful

but one day you pull back the curtain
and behind is a lot of thorns
anger
violence

protecting a heart covered in bandages
that cannot take another blow
for it took many very young


the mystery of knowing nothing about someone
is as simple
and beautiful
as love

without love we know no pain
but what is love without pain?

a smile could be a mere smile
and each day would just be another day
never having to re-adjust to being alone
after a year has passed

young people are searching for someone
to make them feel complete
possibly wanted
wanting to feel purpose

but they don't understand
how simple
and painless
it is to know someone from
afar

to only carry your own battles
only your own worries

the day someone walks in your life
and you fall in love
NOTHING will ever be the same

nothing

it is both good and bad

I think I lost my innocence when I fell in love
and I'll spend my whole life looking for love that can replace in my heart what I feel has been

lost

but will I too resort to thorns guarding a shivering heart?

i used to be afraid of drugs
health class would tell me it would put holes in my brain

i do drugs anyway
because maybe it wouldn't be so bad
i could be lucky enough
and maybe there's a chance

maybe the holes would go in places where it hurt
where memories torment me
and the holes would gouge them out forever

so i never have to see your face again

not even in my dreams

Remember when you kissed my mouth but you really had no idea what you were doing? You just looked at me and rocked me back and forth because you were so incredibly happy. I was just sitting there looking at you and I fell in love with you. Right there. No going back. Completely imprisoned by your dumbfounded laugh and lanky body shape. And I am still stuck here. I pretend I've escaped to a better place. In bigger arms and a warmer heart. But I'm still trapped in your judgmental mind. So in love. I wish I could just leave. Please. Let me go.

there's that one person
either you met them or you'll meet them
either you're with them you will be or they're the one that got away

but when you first saw them you held glances
sometimes looking away and feeling silly
other times holding it
just to see how long until someone got too bashful

and when that person smiles at you?
wow
just wow

the sun will burn out
one day

it seems
this is a paradox
it is the sun
after all

light
warmth
life

the heat on your face in the summer
can eventually run out
of marb red cigarrettes

burning on a meal a day

sometimes i wonder
how can she do it

laughing down on you
like the smiling baby face
on pbs kids
incessantly

bringing inspiration
the reason
for
well

everything

to create
eat
just
just

hiding behind cloudy skies
which are metaphors
uplifting wet concrete bones
which are metaphors
in the stark of shivering sadness
not a metaphor

i am alaska
six months of darkness

sleep sun
eat sun
scream!!

it really hurts to know you are happy
without me
and you are moving on
without me

but I only want happiness for you
even if it's
without me

but I still feel you babe
when I think about you
I can still feel you
so that proves that love is real
Or I am way more ****** than I had originally thought..

i'm still startled when asked about you
memories jump backward
i go back into that odd state of mind i had

everything was enveloped by my feelings for you
it was crippling

but i still tap back into those emotions

my chest ached from the pain
my head constantly cloudy with confusion

but I knew that i loved you
and at that moment, it was all i needed

****

get out of my head

i feel weird that i've moved on
because i never thought i would
i remember preaching to you how i'd never be over you
just crying and crying every night

and walking around in a daze because you weren't mine
now that i don't want you
or anyone for that matter
i don't know what to do

i've lived my life for someone else through it all
just wanted that one person who wants me
and i did everything to make them happy

but now that i don't have that person
i have to make me happy

i don't know how to make me happy

I fell in love with a man,
and that man taught me to love myself.

This beautiful man with beautiful skin,
I lost him.

I fell in love with a man,
I fell in love with his skin,
I fell in love with his family,
with his people,
with his country,
his beautiful culture.

As much as I try to fight for what I believe in,
all I believe in his him.

I don't know if I'm meant to be in love, but I think, deep deep in my heart... that when I'm laying there dying, you will be there holding my hand. you're going to be the last face I see either with my eyes or my heart in my last moments.

I don't understand
how my heart has a feeling
it's just supposed to beat
and put liquid life through my veins.

but when I think of you
and know that I will never have you
and that it was indeed the last hug
the last kiss
the first time and last time I held your hand

it hurts so bad.

I want to tell it that it is confused
no heart
don't do that
stop.

there isn't a hole there
if there was I would be dead.

but why does it feel like that?
that my chest is continuously caving in
that all pressure is on one spot.

no heart
don't do that
stop.

you can't get mad at me
because I remember when you begged
and you cried on the phone
and told me you read all of my poems
and that you were sorry
and you would make everything better

because you knew how I loved you so

but it was already so far gone
it was much too late

I had already cut out a piece of my heart
and soul
that I will never get back

so you can't get mad at me
for struggling to give you space
because you and me was all I ever knew

and I made it all the ******* way back
this time last year I wanted to **** myself
**** MYSELF FOR JESUS ******* CHRIST
AND IM STILL HERE
WITH NO HELP FROM YOU

I made it I made it

I made it

tears of joy fall down my face now
because I didn't do it!!
I didn't do it
God knew I was far too important to take my own life
and that I deserved to find myself again

I can't promise you most things
but I will promise you this

I won't fall in love again like I did
and I'm not trying to be sentimental
or nastalgic

love tears you to pieces
while you think it's stitching you together
until you realize
the stitches were made of glass
and the hands you left your heart in were made of thorns

so I stole it back
and I'm stitching up myself now

I'm using my pain as my indestructible thread
to piece myself back together

so you can't be mad at me for trying to deal with things the best I can

because I MADE IT BACK
I DID
you may have felt your own pain but you can never be in my head
and I wouldn't wish that upon you

so don't accuse me of trying to destroy you
when the only thing I've come close to destroying is myself

this isn't about you
this has always been about me

All I needed
To hold on another hundred years
It was all I needed


All I needed
All I need

hello
i love you
your middle name?
i don't know

but i said that i love you
enjoy your ****** fantasies
pour concrete into art
pour me into your plants
pour you into me

do whatever you will
wherever you may
with whomever you please

just try and think of me

just know that i love you

sometimes i see you in my dreams
this could be seen as painful
for i will never have such a time with you
in reality.

but maybe we should all look at this as a blessing

when i see you there are no fights
i am not nervous
and we both seem to forget the hate we have
the anger we have
the sadness
regret
towards one another

it is peaceful
merely two people crossing paths once again

we are polite
and curious
and we listen to one another

so maybe when i see you in my dreams
i should treat it as a loved one from the grave

although you are very much living
all the love we had was dead now

i will be content with only seeing you
in my dreams
in fact - i’ll look at it as a blessing

better to see you
in a pure figment if my love for you
to not see you at all

or to see you
with anger stricken on your face
from the very sight of me

without
the pain in my stomach and forever lump
in my throat

we can just be
just
be
around each other

i suppose it is better
than nothing at all

Last night I just sat there
For hours
Doing nothing

I didn't want food
Drugs
Sleep

I just lay there
Thinking about how sad I am

Then I thought of you

Your beauty
Everything I love about you

And my heart imploded
My eyes bled
My brain to mush

I hate that I'm so in love with you

the moment i realized that i would love you no matter who you loved and what you decided to do with your life whether it included me or not was the moment that i realized i was never going back and you would be pulsating through my veins forever.

the sadness never goes away
it just peeks around the corner every so slightly
so most days you just shoo it away

but then some days
it blind sides you
and it is screaming in your face
and you have to pretend it isn't there
but it's breathing your air
in your comfort zone
cracking your ribs from the inside

it is choking you
and your heart is being held in its hands
and it won't stop squeezing

it's like a mother screaming at her child in the supermarket
you can intervene
but you know that when they get home
it is just going to continue
but it will be much worse

so most times you turn your head
and ignore it
but your heart is still so heavy
and you will never forget seeing the mother
scream at her child

this sadness is hanging with me
and as much as I can turn my head
I will still feel it screaming in my face
but no one can save me

I'm upset with you.

I'm very upset that you treat me the way you do

Why is it that everything I do is pending approval,
Every action better be warranted,
And be the ultimate secret.

All I've ever wanted was to be in your life,
I got a taste and made love to you,
Because that is all that I could have.

You have the AUDACITY ,
While we are together,
In the most intimate moment,
"DO YOU LOVE ME?!"

OF COURSE I ******* LOVE YOU
IVE LOVED YOU EVERY DAY
TEARS RUSH DOWN MY CHEEKS
ALL BECAUSE I CANNOT HAVE YOU

WHY MUST I BE SO STRONG TO KEEP MYSELF
FROM YOU

WHY DO U NOT HAVE ANY FEELINGS
FOR ME
WHY AM I THE CRAZY ONE
WHY CANT I GIVE AWAY
A
SLIVER
OF MY FEELINGS

JUST SO I CAN STEP AWAY

and breathe

Nomatterhowharditryalloftheemotionsifeelforyoucometogetherwiththo­ughtsanddreamscircumstancesthatwonthappenimaginingeverycontourofy­ourbodyreplayinyourlaughinmyhearandthen iseeyouatwork and everything becomes

c l e a r

i glance over inbetween heads of people
just enough to get a look
but covered enough to hide if i get caught

almost every poem i have written is about a man
why is that
why must i fall in love with every creature i deem beautiful

why do i feel this sense of NEED to have you when
you've been in my life
less than a month

more importantly i feel the NEED for you to NEED me
WHY

more importantly
you fall in love?

only for me to crash it down?
only for me to detach
and walk away
as if i never felt a thing

why am i someone who yearns for something until they achieve it

and when it is achieved there is no use

what do i really want?

I will wait for you.
As long as it takes.
No matter how many days,
or how many girls you will have to experience prior.
That is all okay with me.
As long as at the end of it all, you're with me.

I need not a soul but my own
trouble finding it
lost like keys
hidden under clothes

when I picture your face
it is soft
skin like sand
sink your body into it
warm yourself

unorthodox appearance
rhyme or reason
idiosyncratic
but pleasing

my mouth is watering
control is merely an idea
hard to compute
mathematics to an art major

let me put together
a perfect picture
redwood brown for your eyes
sweet salmon lips

heart flows to stomach
stomach flows to heart
internal lava lamp

tea kettle rising
on the back of my neck
keep it cool
while you’re heating up

coffee shakes
chug a water
to slip
into it

four years -
it's been four years since I fell apart for the first time over just a boy..
i don't even remember how much I hurt.
but I remember feeling I wasn't good enough.

I remember hating my body and hating everything about myself.

four years later I wouldn't say I love everything -
but I would say I can look in the mirror and like what's looking back.

because of you I fell in love with another skateboarder.
because of you I took time to listen to the quiet ones.
because of you I learned patience, and to keep fighting for what you love no matter the pain.

I mean maybe I didn't need that last part-
Considering I've been chasing the same young boy ever since I stopped chasing you.

He called me one night - years ago..
after reading the poem about you , and a few I had written about him.

Crying because he felt the love fading...

it faded.

Was that to welcome you back in?
Do things happen for a reason?

Maybe the boy I used to watch skateboard by the grocery store on clairmont is the one I've had in my heart all along...

But I must warn you:

My heart- its much colder now.
There are thorns around it - and if I thought I couldn't get to yours all of those years ago, how would we get to eachothers?

Your love is the strangest I've known.
No one talks of me higher,
but no one has so little to say...

If that makes any sense at all.

I'm excited to see you tomorrow.

You're the one who got me writing these.

You're the person who sparked Shauna's journey into herself.

Thank you.

Can't wait to see you.

I still have the Skype app on my phone
I hadn't used it since the 11th grade
But now it takes up my phone's memory
Just in case you might call

You know it's been what?
5 days? A week?
**** still *****

We hadn't even started
and here I am in this anguish

Maybe that's why it hurts

Goodbye my almost lover
Goodbye my hopeless dream

Wow that really sinks it's teeth into my charred heart now doesn't it

I can smell you in my brain still
Feel my hand in your hair
your wide chest made my broad shoulders feel like elegant vines

you made me feel beautiful
makeup barely touches my face these days
every time i take the black stick and brush my eyelashes
i hear your voice
"Don't do it! You don't need it."

...

I just want to laugh with you again.
Funny - what I would give
to be in a hotel room
worried about my period
drinking Jack with a boy
that I've had a crush on since the 11th grade...

...

Did I make it that easy to walk right in and out

of my life?

This is why my heart feels like it is pumping tar
instead of blood.

I don't understand why this happened to me
why did "God" bless me with such a memorable month
only to pull it from underneath me?

I am like a toddler that gains the momentum to walk
only to trip on my own feet
and barrel head first into a coffee table.

But worse-off
I didn't end up with a harry potter scar
but a physical pain in my chest
made up by a feeling... in my head?

THIS is why I think I'm crazy-
Because how could any sane person
fall in love
with someone
she saw for a month
mostly through a computer screen?

Is it?

Is it possible

To fall in love

In one night

In La Crosse, WI

in a hotel room

a walk down a torn up road

a makeout at a random bar

catching a cab

falling asleep

and waking up

in the same position

because

it

felt

like

home.



is it? is it possible?

the last thing I want you to do is leave
the first thing I want you to do is leave

it is not your fault i have these feelings for you
I will not burden you with the knowledge
of my deep deep
....

when i think of you my eyes get heavy
a smirk forms across my face like gingerbread

my chest feels like a woofer slamming to the beat of my heart

so many cliche ways of saying

i feel for you

more importantly

i do not want to affect your trajectory
your goals
art
passion

is why my heart feels plump as a plum
where it felt like stale bread less than a month ago

i count every moment with you and feel it is sacred
i wish to spit out my feelings like a crazy daisy

am i naive to think no one notices?
how i stare
smile at every word
can't keep my invisible hands
off
you

most memories have faded from me
narcotics stole my soul

you reminded me that i had one

now
i understand radiohead songs

you were a blip of light in the dark
a firefly floating close to your face
you catch a glimpse in time to see the magic
and then it is gone

like the first sip of a fresh bottle of coke
that doesn't quite taste the same later

although it was a small moment
the smiles and laughs
are ingrained in me like a S + Z in an old oak tree

but now the oak tree has been torn down and forgotten
so now only the memory lives on

i think what hurts the most is your beauty
and how you failed to see it

how every curvature of your being was exactly
what i pictured
perfect would be like

how i felt like i was 16 again swooning over you from the shadows

how every moment i had the opportunity to speak with you
was like a dream come true
but i guess that is exactly it

a dream

something you wake up from and have trouble remembering
you pick for the pieces of shattered glass but they disintegrate with every touch
until the dream in merely a spirit floating in your head
whispering hints of your touch
and how your arms felt around me

IM SO ANGRY
that i only had one moment with you

that I AM SO ******* FAR AWAY
from all the love I want

it could be so different
i'm crying now

i had less than 72 hours with you
and if i could i would replay the night over and over
memorize the details

your kiss

BECAUSE I AM SO ANGRY!!!

this place has robbed me of all of my happiness and i don't know how i'm going to make it out alive....

I'M SO SCARED YOU ******* SCRUB IM SO ******* SCARED

AND YOU AREN'T EVEN HERE ANYMORE TO HELP ME

IM SO ******* SCARED I JUST WANT TO ******* DIE

IM SOBBING

IM SOBBING

IM SOBBING


and then i shut it off

and i am numb






all


over



again

sometimes our pain shows in our dreams
and i see you there

I told you today
Sometimes I wish I had never fallen in love with you

I had to hurt you to see if you felt anything at all
And you did
I'm sorry

It was the truth
I'm even more sorry for that

But still
I love you today
I'll love you tomorrow
And I'll love you even when you stop loving me