The older I get the more conscious I am of the way pain and trauma move through my body
I have spent the past 6 years continuously moving to avoid the gravity of everything as it tries to settle itself on top of me
Through distractions and over piling my work load I was momentarily freed through acts that would require my full attention
Rarely things would slip through the cracks
But it was easy to maintain then
Now here I am as pain rests on the top of my skull traveling forward, slipping its way to the roof of my mouth or traveling backward and seizing the nape of my neck
The body doesn’t forget I was told a year ago
It reminds me of trees recording their own pasts
Vulnerability was something I had never been taught but have forced myself to face as I knew that what is dying will rot if not cut away immediately
To deal with this pain and to hold it in my hands after long sessions of back and forth pleading and probing
I set out now on a new mission to properly bury the remains and in return I will grow again

You over stayed your visit
I invited you in with the promise of shelter and you took up residence
At first i didn’t mind the company
Someone who would listen to my rants
Share meals with
Hold in the comfort of a storm
But a house needs the compliance of all residents
It needs to be as equally cared for by each individual
I maintained the foundation while you watched cracks in the ceiling form
Only pointing them out to later disappear to your own confines
I called in ever repair man asking for advice even bringing others in to help and you just stood in the doorway silent eyed and reserved
Thats how these things happen I knew
Silence became louder
The drop of a plate would resonate throughout
The life of the house seemed to disappear
A mausoleum is what you left me in
A trap made of marble once decorated so lively but darkened over the years

Now i stand in the house that we shared
I see the outlines of picture frames
Nostalgia clinging to the furniture
I can feel memories but they are fuzzy from all the dust collected
Your plants all died from neglect and so did a piece of me as well
I am stuck with a heavy decision to find anything left salvageable and remain here working from the foundation
or to up and burn this entire place down and start on a new site.

No smart man loves the sea
For she is unkind and unmerciful
The sea does not care about a single soul
Rather she is a beast with an enormous appetite
You cannot trust the sea like you can not trust the night
For danger lies in the deep
You can take the challenge
Sail out into the world of a god or fear her like a smart sailor does

Do you remember flying kites
The anticipation
The frustration of trying to catch just enough wind to feel finally caught
Through extension of a thin line we would be flying high and oh how the air felt nice and as the wind pocked up we would soar higher into that mesmerizing blue sky
We werent in control but that didnt matter for the sky is a much more forgiving sea
We sailed the skies reaching as far as the amount of string we had

Summers of golden rod chewed to a pulp and juniper berries wrinkling with time
Wooden forts abandoned in search of a new location
mosquito bites speckling young legs later to be pressed with x’s that cure the urge to itch
Hours spent in the cold, isolation becoming a comfort when accompanied with an angsty album
Memories of biking turned to racing ending up with crashing and the marks that will arrive either on sight or appear and stay for days later
Nights by fireside surrounded by warmth and the smell of gasoline one to **** pests the other to dull your senses and ability to remember
These traces that i can barely follow back are like animal tracks slowly being buried as winter ensues on its journey to engulf everything
Maybe its best that these memories stay faint and become indistinct for who knows what I will find within the wolves den

Baby pour me some love it looks like my cup is dry.
I spend my money like quarters at a game ball machine cashing out on a measly 3 tickets.
You know love, I never had much of an aim but I shot right for your heart and we were both pretty surprised when my lips met yours that fateful night. What courage that took but now here I am too many years down the road wondering if I had ignored the signs what turn did I miss to deserve this