How do you heal from words when you can not speak

I cant hear you now. Theres always been a voice in my head, often jumping from person to person. And for a prolonged stint it was my own paranoia. She was irrational and brash, isolation was key and i didnt mind being alone with her. Then his voice carved a space in my head uninvited he stayed there with dignity, he was the one who tried to bring me down, see me wallow on my hands and knees. As distance grew and nostalgia blurred old wounds he was replaced with a quiet voice. Wouldnt talk to much, mostly just hummed and sang a broadway song but there was a coexistence between us and we had a deal worked out. She would push and i would pull. I couldnt keep that voice. It hurt too much after the fall. I pushed and pushed and finally something snapped or maybe its because i can no longer remember what she sounds like.

It is summer now and things are quiet. I am still searching for my own voice, it got buried over time but I’ll keep on.

I refuse to shrink myself down to a smaller version that you can handle.
You never wanted the whole of me,
You wanted the small pieces that would give their all.
You didn't want that parts that always put up a fight
You wanted a smaller version of who i am and I'm sorry because i refuse to condense myself down for you any longer.

Came into this world
Told i was a little girl
Daddy never raised me right
So now i just cry at night
Wondering why my body doesn't feel right
My skin seems to scream
My chest feels like a weight
Dont know how much more i can take
Little girl makes me cry
I always wondered why
How do you say its he not she
Please someone just let me be
Im not your little girl
You never showed me the whole world
Everything is a lie
Please stop coloring me pink
When I've always been blue

We used to believe that storms lived inside us,
That with every touch was an electric current and we thanked the soles of our shoes for keeping us alive for one more day.
We knew that arguments were just thunderstorms needing to be heard so we let the loose as if we really had a choice.
And you so often made my eyes pour and i would water the desert and make every flower bloom.
But darling the storm didn't just live inside of you, no you weren't fortunate for that
You were the embodiment of a storm cloud.
You'd leave after hailing down everything you felt and then, without a word drift away to only come back and reack the same havoc.

Reality is a freight train and im tied to the tracks

Youre in love with the story,
The details of a broken heart.
You romanticize the words but not their meaning.
Your ideals are toxic,
with expectations that only heaven could fulfill.
So you burn every bridge someone builds for you and blame it on them for trying to love you.

I will not apologize that i stopped writing for you.
However i will remember to be thankful that I disappointed you with an unfinished story and your heart still intact.